tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-17857870475318779852024-03-05T08:02:18.050+00:00Called to Ordination - A Journey of Young VocationSharing my experience of a calling to be ordained, and the process in the Church of England, as it happens.Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.comBlogger116125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-63994538747874906302024-02-01T12:00:00.003+00:002024-02-09T10:03:55.224+00:00And out the other side – life after Sandhurst<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Friends, I survived. After three months of training, a crash course couple of weeks in the unit, and then the blissful embrace of the Christmas holidays, now I am a padre. Admittedly, I have a few years official ‘probation’, but I’m still the single padre responsible for my unit, with a senior chaplain available at the end of a phone. Everything still feels very new and strange, and I am relieved in moments I get to do something ‘normal’ and priestly, but it is exciting. This role is already such a privilege, but it needs a lot of self-sufficiency and taking the initiative.<br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0sQPcTXIWg1s5UnSApQAj63sZHr5xeAVXhdT5D-sBGDWg5WM6oOdnizhubTHxye5cSDJyORkEXlJuSuMwIetV5s0AIdaRgx0yhzZvq770lr3sWRqymKnWNJfPBRN4LqrHnlxs7k098Ha7zCea5mpamvyxDz00lAzQFV6p_znUw0oRskuezWTYmOtYT0k/s1545/IMG_8579.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="Royal Army Chaplains' Department cap badge, a cross and crown with the words "in this sign conquer"" border="0" data-original-height="1545" data-original-width="1032" height="200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0sQPcTXIWg1s5UnSApQAj63sZHr5xeAVXhdT5D-sBGDWg5WM6oOdnizhubTHxye5cSDJyORkEXlJuSuMwIetV5s0AIdaRgx0yhzZvq770lr3sWRqymKnWNJfPBRN4LqrHnlxs7k098Ha7zCea5mpamvyxDz00lAzQFV6p_znUw0oRskuezWTYmOtYT0k/w134-h200/IMG_8579.jpeg" width="134" /></a></div></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">Around that, I have finally landed in a house, after sleeping (or not) in eight beds and a sleeping bag over the last five months. There are still boxes to unpack, but we are slowly getting everything out, though it will be a little bare even when we are through. I bought white goods for the first time in my life, which was a bit of a milestone, and the kilometres of road between me and various people I love are becoming intimate friends, though I will never like the M25. Never. I am very happy with my new car, which is doing well at all I am asking of it. I have connected with the Cathedral, the Deanery, the SCP Chapter and an Archdeacon. I have found a Pilates studio, the local pool, and the stables – God sniggering up the divine sleeve when, in my first lesson back on a horse after fifteen years, the creature I was on was badly behaved, disruptive and difficult, and it was called… Parish. No, really, genuine name.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9834626560/h95EA933C/horseback-riding-only-sport-where-equipment-can-choose-not-cooperate" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="730" data-original-width="735" height="318" src="https://i.chzbgr.com/full/9834626560/h95EA933C/horseback-riding-only-sport-where-equipment-can-choose-not-cooperate" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Anyway, I am still very much processing the huge change since I said farewell to the actual parish in August, and the immense number of experiences I have had. The emotional toll was great, with extreme highs and lows, without a moment to catch my breath, and I am incredibly grateful to my friends, family, and colleagues who have supported me through it all. It seems bonkers to contemplate, really. I returned to St John’s for Epiphany Carols and the musical director’s leaving do this month, and it was a little like the army and Sandhurst was some fever dream, except the fact that I could tell that I am not the same person that last walked out those doors, not least because many struggled to recognise me with my grown-out hair!</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.talkbass.com/attachments/qr54bee3dts41-png.4245501/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="640" data-original-width="640" height="320" src="https://www.talkbass.com/attachments/qr54bee3dts41-png.4245501/" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />Every shift along my journey of calling and discernment has felt momentous, and not just life-changing, but person-changing, and this is no different. My life was that of a stage manager, then ordination candidate, pastoral assistant, ordinand, curate, now padre. I am still a theatrical, and a discerner of calling, and an Anglican, and a priest, and now a (professionally qualified) officer (in the distinctive and nuanced way of army chaplains) as well. And that’s just my identity. I have learned patience, temperance, and understanding; I have learned the value of a phone call, of sacrifice, of every single incomprehensible human being God has made; I have become more considerate, confident, and theologically-minded.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://unlockedpotentials.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/life-coach-in-dubai.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="533" data-original-width="800" height="213" src="https://unlockedpotentials.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/life-coach-in-dubai.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />As I have oft observed on this blog, that is partly due to just growing up, but I think there’s also something to finding the right path and following where you are called in which transformation is inherent, which should not surprise us coming from a resurrected Saviour. That transformation is not always being built up – I have lost my life in theatre, I have broken friendships, I have been split in two at points, as part of that process of transformation, which should not surprise us coming from a crucified Saviour. And it is holistic, both this holy thread of ministering, communion, and purpose, and weaved with the mundane ropes of packing, logistics, and fridges, which should not surprise us coming from an incarnate Saviour.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FcY8Y32aAAAcyhj.jpg:large" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="180" src="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/FcY8Y32aAAAcyhj.jpg:large" width="320" /></a></div><span style="font-family: inherit;"><br />I am where I am called to be. That is very reassuring given all I’ve done to get here! Now to discover what I am called to do here, what I am called to join in with, or start, or prevent, how I am to love and be loved. I hope to be a gift, as much as these people are already a gift to me.</span></div><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p><p></p>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-86887695326292421702023-11-10T17:00:00.002+00:002023-11-10T17:00:00.131+00:00Called to be miserable (currently, not forever)<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/03/Badge_of_Royal_Military_Academy_Sandhurst_(Charles_III).png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="287" data-original-width="193" height="176" src="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/03/Badge_of_Royal_Military_Academy_Sandhurst_(Charles_III).png" width="118" /></a></div><br />I am in the belly of the beast at the moment, just over midway through my 8 weeks at Sandhurst, and I have ended up with a bit of free time. Sadly, on the second exercise in the field, I sprained my ankle, so I have not been able to complete the third exercise, which all my fellow cadets are currently on. It's not a weekend off, but it is a weekend without structure on what to do, so I have made a list of things that will be productive. I was struck this morning that a bit of in-the-moment reflection on my calling and discernment would be incredibly useful. I'm sitting waiting for the Sunday service at my old church to start streaming, so let's get a bit godly in advance.<p></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/news/2018/08/18/TELEMMGLPICT000171853095_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqvWdfq-a34Yz0x6lFPidU73BN7wquremafcWvM6jFD-I.jpeg?imwidth=480" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="300" data-original-width="480" height="142" src="https://www.telegraph.co.uk/content/dam/news/2018/08/18/TELEMMGLPICT000171853095_trans_NvBQzQNjv4BqvWdfq-a34Yz0x6lFPidU73BN7wquremafcWvM6jFD-I.jpeg?imwidth=480" width="227" /></a></div>This frustrating time is an incredible challenge to my sense of being where I am supposed to be. These last five weeks have been very hard, but it has all felt purposeful, even when feeling sleep deprived, worried about getting hypothermic while lying on the wet ground on patrol at 6am, coming last in the navigation exercise, and being at the back of every run. And I have not struggled as much as I could have done. Those experiences are places where I have done my best to do what my people do and understand the community I have joined to serve. But now I do not feel that I am where my people are - I'm getting uninterrupted sleep in a bed, three hot meals served every day, and even time to watch TV for pity's sake; I'm not miserable, running into a section attack, or getting up in the night to go on sentry, or eating cold rations in a hurry.<br /><p></p><p>What does it mean that I am still called to be here? I could hold onto this time at Sandhurst being some benighted agony of necessary evil that the padres are being forced through before we start the 'real job'. I don't buy that, but then that means I have to make sense of my current experience are already doing the job. </p><p>What I am holding onto are the stats of Incarnation. How Jesus spent his Incarnate time was <i>[very roughly]</i>: </p><p>- 0.01% passion/crucifixion/resurrection, </p><p>- 9.09% rabbi, </p><p>- and then <b>90.9%</b> being one of us. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://images.angelstudios.com/image/upload/v1663968667/the_chosen/blog/was-jesus-a-carpenter.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="397" data-original-width="800" height="113" src="https://images.angelstudios.com/image/upload/v1663968667/the_chosen/blog/was-jesus-a-carpenter.png" width="228" /></a></div>Thirty years as a baby, boy, student, man, eldest son, awkward brother, apprentice then master craftsman, head of the household, synagogue member, helping in the community, drinking and feasting and fasting, hanging out with his friends, settling arguments, discussing problems, going through struggles and difficulties, being with those struggling alongside him - first century Palestine bog standard bloke life. What I have been learning, and that this injury has very much hit home, is that this job is 90.9% being, being myself, who and how I am, with these people in this place. Being one of them most of the time, living the 2023 Surrey bog standard cadet life.<p></p><p>I wonder how much Jesus thought about all that he was missing and all that he felt he 'should' be doing during those thirty years. I wonder if he struggled with his dual identity, and what it meant to keep all that he was beyond his humanity still in sight when it was mostly put off.</p><p>Holding onto the fact that I am so much more than a cadet is a deeply challenging struggle. Now, there have been many moments that I have done some 9.09% stuff - I have had one-on-ones with other cadets, I have had fellowship with the padres and we've done prayers with anyone who came along, I have organised an All Souls event, and challenged the staff very directly. I have also been a person, going to see the people I love, reading my books and writing my journal, browsing a catalogue, planning a holiday, ie living my life beyond my role, and rooting myself in who I have become that feeds my role. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://storage.googleapis.com/pod_public/1300/119093.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="534" height="236" src="https://storage.googleapis.com/pod_public/1300/119093.jpg" width="157" /></a></div>All of this is doing the job already, and next module I will do some 0.01% stuff (either a field service or a company prayer service). So it's not benighted agony of necessary evil - it's time to figure this stuff out. These 12 weeks total training are as much for me as for the army to instruct me in what they think I need to know. This is exactly the same as at drama school and at theological college: it is easy to not see the time as the gift that it is and get frustrated that we aren't 'doing' the thing we signed up to do, rather than exploiting the opportunity to reflect and grow as a person, which is filling the jar that pours into the role.<br /><p></p><p>I am not waiting to get to my unit so I can 'finally' take up my calling. I am called to be struggling through officer's training, I am called to heed to medical centre's instructions, I am called to try my best at things I know I am not good at. I am called to be mostly a cadet, and I'm sure at my unit, I will be called to be mostly 'present', forging relationships over the daily minutiae of life, listening to complaints about the army and negotiating when to explore that further and when to leave it as a necessary expression without follow up. I'm sure parish priests can relate - as much as there are services to take, pastoral care to do, and teaching to be done, so much of what a priest is called to do includes admin, buildings, arguments, meetings, and paperwork. The system isn't perfect and it is a huge blessing that in the army I have clerks that do some of that, but my point still stands. </p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://files.nccih.nih.gov/nccih-2021-strategic-plan-whole-person-twitter-card-01.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="800" height="146" src="https://files.nccih.nih.gov/nccih-2021-strategic-plan-whole-person-twitter-card-01.jpg" width="259" /></a></div><br />The Incarnation teaches me a holistic view of calling. I am called as a whole person; I do not hang up my calling like a hat when I get in and spend time away from the role, nor am I attending to my calling any less when I feel very un-priestly crawling in a very undignified manner through dewy ferns behind someone with a rifle, or going to bed at a reasonable hour of my own choosing to rest my injured body. That is what a priest called at this time to be a padre looks like. This, me, I am what a priest called at this time to be a padre looks like. <p></p><p>Awesome. Thank you, Jesus.</p><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvH9amwEiQP6EAgpl1LGuArpdo8FahiGev6lkQ7hMviBv_U63ek36yhyphenhyphenmX5d4qb59MhQeA3ynJPpgSXWoCVsswdHy-vtJd2_jvjvw3iUBvj-x-1YpaQMU7ZPV0KbGRxQHGUHyAZ4My5zNnDCQettBPC334IIp3GLyF5kRcGFblKkSBYXiZf7bn1IQjWaw/s3664/676C70D5-E9B2-435C-8327-D7938076D6B9.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2062" data-original-width="3664" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvH9amwEiQP6EAgpl1LGuArpdo8FahiGev6lkQ7hMviBv_U63ek36yhyphenhyphenmX5d4qb59MhQeA3ynJPpgSXWoCVsswdHy-vtJd2_jvjvw3iUBvj-x-1YpaQMU7ZPV0KbGRxQHGUHyAZ4My5zNnDCQettBPC334IIp3GLyF5kRcGFblKkSBYXiZf7bn1IQjWaw/s320/676C70D5-E9B2-435C-8327-D7938076D6B9.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-18952535526320470082023-09-07T10:04:00.000+01:002023-09-07T10:04:23.991+01:00I'm in the army! Eight years discernment later<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/JFrhmuGP3Sg" width="320" youtube-src-id="JFrhmuGP3Sg"></iframe></div><p><br /></p>Apologies for putting this video on the blog a while after it was published on Youtube. Also many apologies for not realising I had used the camera's audio not my mic's! <p></p><p>I write this at the Chaplaincy Centre and watching that back, it feels like a million years ago even though it's only a few days since I said goodbye and moved out. It's all going well so far!</p>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-30489616224411745782022-09-07T12:00:00.001+01:002022-09-07T12:00:00.198+01:00My future in the army? Seven years following a call<p>I am into my third year of curacy, and my second of priesthood. (If you want to see a little of what I've been up to, I have updated my <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/p/based-on-timeline-from-short-guide-to.html" target="_blank">Steps</a> page with some highlights). As I have said throughout this blog, discernment of vocation is a rolling task, and my journey to ordained priest was just one chapter. Okay, may be more like a volume, but one of many in the series of my life. Our calling as Christians is never just one thing, to be figured out, then just keep doing it until you die. Even for clergy, whose calling has this headline to it, the context in which we are a priest changes; either called to the same place and/or people which will inevitably change simply with time, or called to different places and different people at different times.</p><p>Third year of curacy takes a turn towards 'the next step', looking ahead and starting to think about 'what's next', because just like the official discernment process looks to BAP, the BAP looks to college, and college looks to curacy, curacy looks to (usually) First Incumbency. This is often framed as the <i>You've Made It ⭐️ </i>stage: discernment and formation is done, the ordinand caterpillar has gone through the goo of the curacy chrysalis and emerged a slightly wet vicar butterfly. The diocese will help you with things like training, supervision, and mentoring (I believe), and eventually you'll be on the hamster wheel of MDRs (Ministerial Development Reviews). </p><p>From what I can tell, the latter can be used brilliantly as a tool for clergy to continue in discernment and formation, but depends entirely on the drive of the individual, so some use it as a tickbox exercise because they are all-consumed by their parish. Any thought of personal development is dismissed or repressed because it is not priority enough to warrant carving time for amongst the day-to-day demands of their current role. Because it is 'personal', it is hard for clergy to see the wood for the trees - their 'ministry' only counts if it is parish-related.</p><p>I don't blame clergy who end up in this position one jot, and I will inevitably find myself in that groove at some point. I can only hope that I will manage to climb back out of it before I am irredeemably entrenched.</p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">Theologian Frederick Buechner defines vocation as the place where “your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.” (See more </span><a href="https://www.frederickbuechner.com/quote-of-the-day/2017/7/18/vocation" style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);" target="_blank">here</a><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">.) It is easy to slide from one extreme to the other on that scale, either doing something joyful and purposeless or something worthwhile and soul-sucking. The CofE is built on the parish system; it's the beating heart of this member of the body of Christ on and of this land, and I don't think it is possible to understand oneself to be part of the CofE without some tether into that system. So the majority of the clergy that are ordained into it are rightly called to be parish priests of some variety. </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">I may at some point in the future discern that my calling will take me there, but at the moment, I feel called somewhere else. That is not currently where my </span><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);"> </span></p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">The seed of a calling to chaplaincy was planted in 2014 (God bless the Church Times book tent at Greenbelt!) you can see my post about it in 2015 </span><a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2015/11/an-interest-in-chaplaincy.html" style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);" target="_blank">here</a><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">, and it has snowballed. From </span><a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2015/12/third-informal-chat-with-rector.html" style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);" target="_blank">another post</a><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">, a summary of my calling can be: </span></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>"The main thing the [military] personnel reflected was that the Padre must care; </b></p><p style="text-align: center;"><b>and I thought "I can do that".<span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);"> </span></b></p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">I started reading about military chaplaincy. I talked to my first military chaplain in March 2016, see <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2016/03/meeting-military-chaplain.html" target="_blank">here</a>. I started to grasp that military chaplaincy is a 'niche' calling, and discerning it was going to have to self-directed. At events, I chose to attend anything that discussed chaplaincy (where I got nuggets like thinking of it as a bit like being a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Friar" target="_blank">friar</a> in a community). Once I got to theological college, I did a placement with a school chaplain, but got excited when an RAF chaplain visited, so signed up to their recruitment stuff and did a visit in the summer of 2019. </span></p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">That May, I had talked to an incredible woman. [I love this story so I'll put it in full. A friend of mine from sixth form ended up in Newcastle, so we hung out while I was up in Durham. He invited me to a trip with his uni alpine society that includes alumni, and so we drove down to Cheddar Gorge. Over that weekend, I spoke to another alumni, and the clergy thing came up, and then so did the interest in the army. He said he was a reserves medic and loved their padre, and put me in touch with her.] That conversation not only got me so excited ("Sign me up, I want to do that!") but she put me in touch with the priest running the pilot Chaplain Cadet scheme. So I ended up spending Sep 2019-June 2020 at the NUOTC on placement.</span></p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">My point is, this idea that I want to sign up as an army chaplain after curacy, rather than be an incumbent, has not come out of the blue, and it's not about running away from something (parish) but towards something (padre). It has been 8 years of discernment as a thread in my wider discernment. I'm looking at my 'next step' fairly early; one usually doesn't look until Christmas in year 3. But the application process means coordinating the behemoth institutions of the Army, the CofE, and the NHS, so I was advised that cracking on in January 2022 meant I would be sorted well in advance of the entry point Sep 2023.</span></p><p><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">I want to end my curacy with both feet still in the door. It might seem like getting things sorted early is the opposite of that, but doing all the application forms and visits and fitness training (I've joined a gym! WTF?! Follow me on <a href="https://twitter.com/TechieGeorgina" target="_blank">Twitter</a> to keep up with <i>that </i>drama) well in advance means that I won't be doing it in the last six months of being here, so I can really <b>be here </b>up until the last.</span></p><p>Like I said, I am a CofE priest, and that means I be definition can't <i>leave</i> the parish system as such. I am still operating under a bishop's licence as a chaplain, and I might up end up transitioning to be a reservist, where you are much more anchored in a diocese. I don't want to be a chaplain who disconnects, holes up in their institution, and imagines their ordained status as 'absolute' ie unrelated to any place (in the CofE, one cannot be ordained without being ordained <i>into </i>a role), as if their ministry is floating in a bubble. </p><p>Some people suggest chaplaincy as a place for curacy and that is a rather stupid idea in my opinion. Curacy is, as Lucy always says, where you learn your muscle memory as a priest, and a priest in the Church of England is a priest of this Church and of this place, England. The ministry of <span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">this member of the body of Christ is defined as on and of this land, most definitively exercised in the parish system. Cof E Chaplains have anything to offer the places they serve because they are rooted in that system, and technically so are all the people they serve. If you are in or of an English diocese, you are under the cure of a bishop, shared to a specific priest in each place. I never want to forget that, and so regardless of my growing call to chaplaincy, this curacy has been my focus for its parochical nature. I am a CofE priest, I cannot pick and choose parts I like and think are 'relevant' to some future role I may have. </span></p><p>I get that I am sounding a little defensive. I have picked up some very unjust opinions of chaplains from within the parish system, and so it is important to me in my reflections that I do not see them as different and certainly not opposed. Chaplaincy is more important now as less people go to church because it means the church going to where the people are. I see it as a very twenty-first century ministry in that regard, in a similar way to the church waking up to the importance of cathedrals. </p><p>So at the moment, the next chapter looks set to be army chaplaincy. I say looks to be because firm plans are rarely a good idea in discernment; I try to keep to dreams and ideas most of the time, until decisions are needed, and they are not needed yet. The application process is rolling on, but I benefit from the policy that if I am offered a commission, I have five years to take it up. There's a lot of other factors in life to consider in the decisions to be made, and I'm trying not to rush, whilst at the same time sensibly getting on top of things that take time.</p><p>My questions are still the same as ever - where am I called to, what am I called to, who am I called to? My prayer always comes back to the verse quoted in this blog's title: "Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning, for in you I put my trust. Teach me the way I should walk in, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143). Discernment continues to be hard, which is not what I thought would happen. I thought I would make it through to being a fully qualified priest at the end of curacy and it would let up slightly, that I would have established my sense of purpose so following a path would be easier.</p>But it is a rolling task, as I said. I feel lucky that I have been gifted the years of groundwork that mean I do not see end of the curacy as a big, scary void that I have to fill with some job somewhere that I'm only starting to think about now. My next step is not decided, but it is slowly being sketched out, a dream of a butterfly with camo wings. I think it will be both worthwhile for the world and joyful for me; I can imagine that I will work to feed a part of the <span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);">world's deep hunger, and get my own</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(189, 193, 198);"> deep gladness. That's what it feels like when I contemplate being a padre. I can do that.</span>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-48897940436630815642021-12-25T22:32:00.002+00:002021-12-25T22:32:56.074+00:00Love story of redemption<p>I don't do this often, if I've even ever done it, but I was kind of chuffed with a recent sermon of mine, and seeing as some (though very few) have asked to read it, I thought to post it up here.</p><p><br /></p><p>Christmas Day 2021</p><p>A week or two ago, I saw on Twitter that there was a radio adaptation of one of my favourite books, <i><a href="https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0007299265" target="_blank">Howl's Moving Castle</a></i>, so one evening when I was too tired to even watch television, I got a hot water bottle, a blanket, and a cup of tea, and I just listened to the story. It was a lovely hour, and afterwards I said to my partner, “I don't really know why I love this book so much”, and his instant response was, “love story of redemption”. And I was just stunned, first by how well he knows me and as I will explore, being truly known is a cornerstone of love, but second by the totemic and fundamental nature of that phrase. Love story of redemption. That’s an integral understanding of our faith. That's four words that sum up the gospel. And from an agnostic!</p><p>So if you don’t know it, <i>Howl's Moving Castle</i> is a fantasy novel about Sophie Hatter, a young woman full of grace and truth who has an astonishing power – her words can breathe life into the world. She inadvertently speaks spells over the hats she makes, and draws the attention of the villain, The Witch of the Waste, an incredibly vain woman who has given her heart to a fallen star in exchange for power, and who is threatened by Sophie’s magic. She curses Sophie to appear to be an old woman.</p><p>Sophie doesn’t think it’s too bad, but it does mean she has to leave, as she can’t tell her family about the curse, and they won’t recognise her. Once she heads off, she ends up at the titular moving castle, which floats over the hills around her town. She enters and finds Michael who is the apprentice to the castle’s owner, the Wizard Howl, and she also meets Calcifer, a fire creature stuck in service to Howl in a contract that Calcifer persuades Sophie to figure out and break. He promises in exchange to lift her curse that he has been able to recognise. When Howl turns up, he accepts Sophie as a live-in housekeeper, and she starts to get to know him.</p><p>Howl thinks he is literally king of the castle, but really he’s a mess. He’s overdramatic, spends hours getting ready in the bathroom, and he pursues young women until they fall in love with him, at which point he scarpers. Sophie describes him thus: “he's fickle, careless, selfish, and hysterical. Half the time I think he doesn't care what happens to anyone as long as he’s alright but then I find out how awfully kind he's been to someone. Then I think he's kind just when it suits him, only then I find out he undercharges poor people. I don't know, he's a mess.” A prophetic moment is when Michael says that he'll know when Howl is truly in love when Howl doesn't bother to primp and preen before going out.</p><p>Now here come some spoilers, but luckily I can’t possibly sum up the whole book, because there’s a whole series of storylines that all wrap up together at the end, so please, do read it if you haven’t already. Sophie realises she’s fallen in love with Howl, but resigns herself to being invisible to him. The Witch of the Waste wants the punish Howl because she is one of the women he dumped, and so sets up an elaborate trap. Sophie falls for it, thinking there’s an innocent woman to save, and in an act of sacrifice for Howl, Sophie is captured in the Waste. Howl comes tearing across the country to save her, unshaven, clothes a mess, dirty and dishevelled, his complete focus on Sophie causing him to ignore his own appearance. Sophie finally works out that Calcifer is a fallen star who has Howl’s heart to stay alive, so she takes Howl’s heart from Calcifer, a heart blackened and shrivelled, and breathes new life into Calcifer, before putting Howl’s heart back in his flesh and dispelling its darkness. She finds she has been transformed back to a young woman, and it turns out that Howl has been falling in love with her in return. They defeat all the baddies, Calcifer decides to stay, and the three of them with Michael become a happy little family.</p><p>So. It’s a love story of redemption. What I see is relationship, existence, and identity. What I see is the Christmas story, at least from the cosmic perspective, from the perspective of John’s gospel. It’s not a huge surprise as the author, Dianna Wynne Jones, attended lectures at Oxford by both JRR Tolkien, and CS Lewis.</p><p>Relationship, existence and identity, exactly that I see in <a href="http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=507471346" target="_blank">the John reading</a>. It's all there. How do you know love? How do you see it? How do you choose it?</p><p>The villain is ego, diverting our resources towards power and control, and making snap judgements based on appearances and fear, manipulating the world with aggression and duplicity.</p><p>The hero is unassuming, devoted, kind, compassionate, and very brave. Words, which are both rational and creative, see through the dazzle and the lies. The truth is brought to light, and life is breathed into the world, where even the wastelands would break forth into song. To persist, to see, and know, and love, that is what wins, a sacrifice that might not be requited. That is what leads to a tidy home, the end of evil, and a disparate household that becomes a united family.</p><p>The protagonist – look, I’m afraid in this analogy, we’re the wizard, humanity is Howl. On his own, he is an absolute mess, without eyes to see, not living a true life. His heart is confined by bad habits and destructive ways of thinking. He resists love at first sight, even at second and third. He needs light to see and truth to know. And he can’t do it on his own. It is only when he begins to take responsibility that he runs towards what is good for him, that he devotes himself to the right relationship, not power, that he starts to leave behind that which was sucking the life out of him. It is only when he is honest about his need for the one who loves him that he starts to participate in the work that will truly redeem both himself and his world. </p><p>But even once he has made the right choice, it is the one who is the word of life who must give him his new heart, his new flesh, the ability to love truly. She came to him, to be with him, and she saw him, the truth of him, and she loved him. Being known, truly, is a cornerstone of love. He was blind at first, but then he saw, he chose, he changed, and no longer king of the castle, he became hers. The relationship shifted, deepened, and his heart newly recreated beat with intimate access to the cosmic reality that is true love.</p><p>Relationship is our purpose, the ability to love truly.</p><p>Existence means nothing with power, but everything with love.</p><p>Identity is dynamic, chosen and given, seeing and knowing and devoting.</p><p>God sees us, and knows us, and sought us out even as we built our illusions and castles in a world forlorn. God persisted, even as we did not know him, born in a backwater, little tiny heart beating for the world in his little tiny chest. He loved us into existence, his purpose in being born was to invite us into relationship, and in choosing love he gives us our identity, he gives us a heart of flesh, the gift of true love. A love story of redemption</p><div><br /></div>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-91379754817445258042021-10-15T17:30:00.008+01:002021-10-15T17:30:00.166+01:0007/09/2021 Six years a-calling<p>Yet again an <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/search/label/anniversary" target="_blank">anniversary post</a> that is a little late!</p><p>What does it mean to have a calling once you've been ordained?</p><p>The 'process' is so geared towards this final goal of ordination that it has nothing more to say afterwards. It's about post-ordination training. You're not discerning any more, you're doing it, you're living out your calling.</p><p>Well, I think that's not the right attitude at all. At the moment, I am following a training path of discovering what kind of priest I am to be. Then I must discern where I am called to after curacy, how to navigate things on my own, and also negotiate all the different parts of my life together as a priest. Discerning the lifestyle that goes with the vocation is as never-ending a task as the vocational stuff itself.</p><p>Life leading up to priesting proved a challenge. I kept forgetting that I was going to be priested, that it is a big deal and that I should have been getting excited by it. There was no building of anticipation. I will have to look back on my life and see two ordinations that were stripped back, joyless stepping stones, rather than celebratory, defining moments, as well as attend the ordinations of others that will be everything I never got, and I am severely disappointed. Is that selfish? Should I not just be glad that I <i>could</i> be priested? </p><p>I have had some very formative moments recently enabling me to put into practice the theory about boundaries - how to put ministry things aside when having time off, how to put personal things aside when at 'work', plus deciding what priorities I have, when does the personal reasonably intrude, when does ministry reasonably ask sacrifice. This is also the tussle I'm having with my feelings about the priesting. I find it hard to discern what is reasonable to be upset about, and what is actually just one of the many parts of the vocation that I have to accept as asking a lot and move on. </p><p>Once you're ordained, what are you willing to do or forsake for your calling?</p><p>My answer to that in 2021 will be different to what I would have said in <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2015/11/what-this-blog-is-about.html" target="_blank">2015</a> before all this, and to what I would have said in <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/06/" target="_blank">2019</a> while at college. It will change again over the years, I am sure. As will the answer to what I am not willing to do. </p><p>Luckily, I am in a tradition where I could get excited about my first mass. Being priested meant starting to preside at the eucharist, and the first time I did that, I was able to actually be with the people who love and support me, as well as the people of my parish. What it means to have a calling right now is reflecting on what the eucharist means and what my part in it will be, as well as learning how my TI wants me to do it, and what I like and what I don't. </p><p>Thoughts of the future are also getting bigger and bigger. In 2016, life narrowed down to the next year at SMITF, then it turned to the next three years at Cranmer, now it is the next 20 months of curacy with thoughts to what next after that. Will I get into the army, train at Sandhurst, then start as a chaplain? Is that where I'll be in 2024? Nothing is certain, nothing as been certain since I started this journey, but with the priesting, there is only being signed off my curacy as the final, definite hurdle, after which the world opens up again and I can look to live with opportunity and possibility, with more certainty, or at least choice and autonomy, than I'll have known for almost ten years. Only 20 months left on the vocation treadmill, and then... anything. </p><p>Am I 'called' to be an army regulars padre? Am I called to a combination of roles, part time at a cathedral, a college chapel, and reserves army perhaps? Am I called to a particular part of the country, or to travel to different places around the world?</p><p>Right now I'm more concerned with the sermon I haven't finished, the <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/resources/living-love-and-faith/about-living-love-and-faith" target="_blank">LLF</a> discussion group next week, the Advent course to write, the Christingle service to plan, the Deanery Chapter meeting we're hosting, posters to design and send off to print, a possible wedding couple to meet, an assembly series on the Lord's Prayer to design, going on two self-led readings days, trying to get ahead on Christmas cards and presents, my tax return is due, and the works on my leaking roof are still going on.</p><p>I wrote about the micro and the macro in my <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2021/06/being-priested.html" target="_blank">last blogpost</a>, and that continues. What I've been reflecting on recently is how much I'm working out what I have learnt over the last six years. Noticing moments that I can track back to my year at St Martin's for example. My hairdresser commented recently that she was always impressed that I was able to answer all her questions, that I knew so much and could quote the Bible. Now, I don't think of myself as excelling in theological education - I have evangelical friends who know the Bible way more, catholic friends who know history and liturgy way more, and fellow curates who are much better and wider read than me in theology. </p><p>But six years in, one thing I have is six years of doing this, intentionally, on top of interest and church engagement for 4 years before that. I am so, so grateful that I got three years to study, that I have a budget for putting books on my expenses, the time to put aside two days to read. I don't talk theology academically a lot, but those 6-10yrs are the underpinning of all that I do (on top of 29 years in relationship with God). </p><p>Whether I'm debating integrity with the vicar, explaining marriage law to the LLF group, bantering at <a href="https://www.london.anglican.org/support/ministry-and-vocations/training-and-development/post-ordination-training/" target="_blank">POT</a> about how many sacraments there are, having tea with the only other female clergy person in the deanery, having dinner with a bereaved congregation member, chatting with the headteacher after assembly, shadowing the local hospital chaplain, scheduling emails, voting for Synod, handling DBS checks, hauling chairs from church to my house, communicating on the parents WhatsApp, or interviewing an evangelical who is against same-sex marriage - it's all coming from the years already done and the continuing study and formation, and generally not consciously at all.</p><p>It feels like, since August, I have started to turn a corner in my curacy. I am starting to show a marked confidence in most of what I'm doing, which is really encouraging. One factor will definitely be that since things opened up again in July and people are feeling more confident about living with Covid, I've been able to know people better, get to know some I had not even met yet, and just spend time over things that used to be restricted or impossible.</p><p>I definitely need a retreat though. This comes up every time I have spiritual direction. I had gotten into the discipline of a week's true retreat once a year, generally in the summer. That just wasn't possible last year, fair enough, but still hasn't been possible this year, which is starting to be a problem. That's why I'm using up annual leave for a week off soon, and two of those days are dedicated non-fiction reading days - both in bookshop cafes, one in this city, one in another. It's a plaster over the issue, and I'm planning on a proper retreat in the new year, but it'll tide me over, I hope.</p><p>One last thing I'll leave with you. The feeling of 'calling' waxes and wanes; sometimes I just don't have any sense of why I'm doing this with my life, other times I am overwhelmed with a sense of rightness and purpose. One of those times was when I read this <a href="https://chapel-archives.oit.duke.edu/documents/sermons/March29PriestsForever.pdf?fbclid=IwAR2f5N2GtJ4YytQRBnApYfFN08XCFhLnqxGc6zs1CAxfISNuQ7ac5ZnVHCE" target="_blank">sermon</a> by Sam Wells as part of my sermon prep. It brought up feelings I don't think I've really felt in earnest since I plunged into college. I now relate to the opening illustration, the sense that my priesthood is bigger than my religion, the difficulty of being obedient, and holding to the fundamentals as "being practiced in the presence of God and being a reconciling presence in the life of others". I have definitely started to see what it means "to open your heart not only to see your own tears but to share the tears of others, to face the bleakness and
tragedy of much of human life sustained only by one fragile consolation – that nothing can separate us from the
love of God in Christ".</p><p>I'm up and running in 'Year Two' of curacy though it feels a bit like 'Year One 2.0'. Six years later I've come so far, and I thank God for getting me here. Who knows what will happen over the next 12 (11!) months?</p>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-92076506712806822862021-06-21T12:00:00.001+01:002021-06-21T12:00:00.214+01:00Being priested<p>Please note: Some of these posts were written on my retreat, and because of Covid, it was a restricted experience compared to 'normal'. This blog is committed to recording how I felt in the moment throughout my journey of vocation, so please take these thoughts in that spirit, especially coming from an external processor (!) rather than being a definitive picture of my eventual opinion of the whole experience.</p><p>Also, pictures are near the end!</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Friday 18th June 2021 11am - 1pm</h4><p>The retreat itself is a pretty restricted affair, due to various factors. On Wednesday, we gathered at the church in the evening for the Bishop's charge, and a rehearsal of the service. We left our robes there, and returned home (though one of the other curates and I went to a local pub for pizza first).</p><p>Yesterday I was at home, logging onto Zoom a few times for prayers and addresses from the retreat leader. Around these online pockets, the plumbers were in looking at a leaky pipe, I did my laundry, did the hoovering, and cleaned the bathroom, made meals and drinks, had a lovely nap, went into church to have a practice of my first mass, read the paper, scrolled Twitter, and spent the evening as I usually would, watching streaming platforms on the TV.</p><p>I think it was a very good way to spend the day. Others have different needs and capabilities in these weird times of 'remote' retreats, and all power to them. I really enjoyed doing the offices, even on Zoom, especially in the morning as we don't pray corporate morning prayer at my curacy church; and the addresses have been good too, based on the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Five_Megillot" target="_blank">Five Little Scrolls</a>.</p><p>Now we have arrived at the retreat house, Friday morning. We started with a Eucharist, then our third address, and now we're just milling around the lounges until our rooms are ready at 4pm. I made the point at my <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2020/10/07092020-five-years-later-now-ordained.html" target="_blank">deaconing retreat</a> (which was Wed-Sat) how it took me two days to actually settle in, "properly stop and feel myself relax" because it is difficult to wind down. I do not anticipate getting to any state of reflection before we go to the church tomorrow afternoon. I would normally go on retreat somewhere in the country, and spend a lot of time on my own, both in private in my room, and on long walks. The latter is of no use to me in East London - this retreat house is fine and lovely but the location just doesn't suit me for a retreat - and the former is rather curtailed by the wait. I totally understand that checking into these places necessitates these waits, but we're leaving at 4pm tomorrow, so I just don't think I am going to get the time and space I need for this retreat to have significant impact.</p><p>At least I am less nervous/stressed than I was about the deaconing. There's no intimidating grandeur like there was at the cathedral, with the diocesan bishop, and I'll have a few more people in the congregation (last time it was 4, tomorrow it will be 15. Friends! Parishioners! BOTH my parents!!). Everyone is not clenched and terrified about Covid practice and being caught getting it wrong; we all know the drill now. I feel confident and excited about taking on these new orders, taking on the responsibility of presiding at the eucharist, this calling set apart to minister in word and sacrament, and "<a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/prayer-and-worship/worship-texts-and-resources/common-worship/ministry/common-worship-ordination-0#mm013" target="_blank">tell the story of God's love</a>". </p><p>Regulars on this blog will know my use of the <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/06/" target="_blank">analogy of God's workshop</a> in my vocation journey. Previously I was up on my axles, then I was pootling round the yard getting used to the changes. Now I think is the time I will leave the yard, and head out onto the road. I am called to be a priest, and tomorrow I will be ordained a priest. Being deaconed was a major boundary crossing, adding holy orders on top of being part of the laity, so in one way, being priested is a lesser boundary. But it is the culmination moment, the climax of this first chapter of following my vocation, they are the orders that ultimately determine who I am supposed to be.</p><p>Tomorrow will be what it will be, another restricted affair, after a disappointing retreat, but it's really not the end of the world. I'll get over it. I'm going to be a priest! That's the thing that means anything. I can go back to my parish, and bless them, declare that they are forgiven, and step into the role of our great high priest to provide that liminal space that God may meet God's people, and the people may meet God, at Jesus' table. Ritual matters, and ordination services as they usually are have a purpose; I look forward to the future when they can return in full glory. But I will not be less of a priest without it. My family, friends and people of the parish will not be less part of our journey together as a community of many callings of which this is one milestone.</p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Saturday 11am-12noon</h4><p>After lunch yesterday, I ended up chatting to some of the other deacons and it was really great, having spent months not being able to get to know them at post-ordination training because it was on Zoom. We got into our rooms about half three, and I unpacked, then watched an episode of something before Evening Prayer. It was good to finally have some privacy and truly be able to relax. I may be an extrovert, but being on retreat is one time I will happily claim the need for solitude and quiet. We prayed, then had a lovely dinner, followed by drinks and nibbles together. It was really nice just to socialise with our peers. This extrovert got both things she needed! After compline, I retreated (lol) again and had some quiet time before going to sleep. </p><p>This morning we had breakfast, morning prayer and our last address, I read a bit of the paper, and now we are milling around again having had to leave the rooms at 11. Again I recognise the necessity of this whilst expressing my frustration that the situation does necessitate it. I'm now in the lounge again, surrounded by some day visitors having tea. We will have a final act of worship, lunch, then some are leaving at 2 for the first service, we're leaving at 4. Who knows what we'll do while we wait, I have already suggested the pub! I am currently in my jeans as we've been told we can ask to have a room briefly to get changed in later.</p><p>Today I will be ordained a priest. I was very glad that the retreat leader gave us permission in her address that today is not a day for profound thoughts. The pressure for this retreat to be so solemn and reflective and profound has been noticeable, though who knows if I'm imagining it. You can read the subtext in what I have written that I am trying to justify that it has not felt that profound or explicitly 'spiritual' so far for me. It hasn't been wasted time for all that though. It has been a chance to put aside all other pulls on my resources and time, an opportunity to be together with those going through the same journey, and a pause to ready myself for the whirlwind this evening. God is good at taking advantage of such things. I trust that the Spirit is always working.</p><p>I have made the most of it in truthful acknowledgement of my capabilities and needs. I am also lucky that I don't have a spouse, kids or any other household to coordinate much with, other than telling my guests what they need to know, so I can concentrate on myself before I am made a priest in the Church of God for the rest of my life. I am also lucky that I have parishioners in my curacy church who want to come a celebrate this moment with me, so the next chapter of my priesthood over the next few years has connection to the people I will be serving first. I am supported, by those who love me, those I work with, and those I am church with, which is a joy because they all play a part in this moment of my life following Jesus, a life which means nothing without others. I am not being made a priest for me, I am being made a priest for all God's people to and with whom I will minister, over the next decades of my life.</p><p>There's an overlay of the micro and the macro today. Short-term, being priested now means going back to the parish and being able to preside, starting next Sunday. It means a change of rota, a change of focus in my training, additional ability to connect with people. But long-term, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ontology" target="_blank">ontologically</a>, being priested now means starting a significant part of what my life means, of my purpose and place under God. It means going forward to many places and being able to preside there too, to be eventually trained to the point that I will follow calls to other places, and many people, and exercise all that priestly ministry encompasses. </p><p>I want to hold to both of these. It is the unenviable position of Christians to live in the abundance of both/and, for we follow the Christ who <a href="http://www.queervirtue.com/more" target="_blank">ruptured false binaries</a>, such as divine and human, joy and suffering, micro and macro. It does not lessen the importance of either to hold to both, and in that complicated and difficult sweet spot, I feel closer to God, for I am closer to the Truth, the Way and the Life. My way and my life today is both celebrating with my friends and family that my years of priesthood are beginning, and also embracing my immediate future of being part of leading our little corner of the kingdom from my privileged position at a <a href="https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/7/78/Altar_of_St_John_the_Evangelist%2C_Hyde_Park.jpg" target="_blank">simple wooden table</a>. </p><p>This retreat has given space for us to reflect on the the personal significance of being priested, and I am grateful. From tomorrow, it will get subsumed into the micro, and I will joyfully be part of that as well. Both/and. Giving up your life and receiving abundant life. Living for others and knowing Christ died for you. Church of God and parish life. </p><h4 style="text-align: left;">Sunday 7pm-8.30pm</h4><p style="text-align: left;">I am a priest. Boom. </p><p style="text-align: left;">It is bizarre to look back and see how long it has been since I first articulated a call, a call to this, this which I am now. I am no <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charismatic_Christianity" target="_blank">charismatic</a>, but I have had a few moments of mystical encounter, and lots of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Divine_providence" target="_blank">Providence</a>. One thing these last few days has linked now with all the way back to my late teens, 16-18, when I first said something about priesthood (which was ridiculous because I had only ever gone to church annually for the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christingle" target="_blank">Christingle</a>). I drew something, which I saw in my head, in some notebook somewhere. It was a black and white compass. I was bowled over last September when I went to the Royal Foundation of St Katherine and found that same image in the <a href="https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EJp42QyXkAAMtE2.jpg" target="_blank">marble of the floor of the chapel</a>. This time round, I have been able to accept and process this, this wonderful connection point that gives such continuity to a journey that has not always taken an obvious path. And the quote around it from St Augustine of Hippo is outstanding - "We do not come to God by navigation, but by love".</p><p style="text-align: left;">Yesterday was amazing. My heart was pounding as we started the service, having been cloistered away from all our supporters as they arrived. The moment of kneeling with the bishop's hands on my head, and my training incumbent's hand on my shoulder, was one of unexpected peace, calm and deep joy. I found so many reasons to smile throughout the rest of the service. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqhH8RwXKljTdI-sKQdkyR4b9ADpKlhi7qdhhGoWqw4efY8lCt_a3H8LtE3WyhgX9kztcFTZUbUoKNtzj9rCcrjLvp7tJ8Yxzfl9ZUuoCbMhDX4YFgnnzXt2FhkDD2J-d_SD5xp_O21A/s1600/PHOTO-2021-06-19-17-50-26.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitqhH8RwXKljTdI-sKQdkyR4b9ADpKlhi7qdhhGoWqw4efY8lCt_a3H8LtE3WyhgX9kztcFTZUbUoKNtzj9rCcrjLvp7tJ8Yxzfl9ZUuoCbMhDX4YFgnnzXt2FhkDD2J-d_SD5xp_O21A/s320/PHOTO-2021-06-19-17-50-26.jpeg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Laying on of hands</td></tr></tbody></table><p style="text-align: left;">It was such a happy time afterwards to greet all my supporters - representatives from my parish, my friends from my sending church, clergy who have been part of my journey, my family, my godfather, my friend who has been with me since those odd times as teenagers, and my incredible partner who did a sterling job holding me steady in my over-excitement. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-A3TB2dynWnCAO2vhEknrl-JNuBgIDdgFyXU2wJwdMNaXUwk_byE6NOP1tk6q6ARgPjlqV9DKFlqH1izl7Zfon11tmFRxRw8-JHKjuSz5mgoAbCRyQrKYMWFOxlm8uq2GZz5h1nXGCBY/s1600/PHOTO-2021-06-20-19-26-33+4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-A3TB2dynWnCAO2vhEknrl-JNuBgIDdgFyXU2wJwdMNaXUwk_byE6NOP1tk6q6ARgPjlqV9DKFlqH1izl7Zfon11tmFRxRw8-JHKjuSz5mgoAbCRyQrKYMWFOxlm8uq2GZz5h1nXGCBY/s320/PHOTO-2021-06-20-19-26-33+4.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Training incumbent Steve, and members of St Johns'</td></tr></tbody></table><p style="text-align: left;">After much cautious hugging and greeting everyone who had come, I got changed went for dinner with family and friends at a local pub. It felt so normal, and I was overwhelmed that I got some fabulous presents, ranging from <a href="https://uk.wattsandco.com/collections/oil-stocks/products/holy-oil-stocks-i-b-c" target="_blank">holy oil stocks</a> and a wooden <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=paten&rls=com.microsoft:en-GB&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&startIndex=&startPage=1&rlz=1I7GGHP_enGB442" target="_blank">paten</a> and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chalice#Christian" target="_blank">chalice</a>, to a Jesus Shaves mug and a ring with a saga behind it. We ate, we drank, we were merry.</p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8NNN7a0JugLRV5lcn7xWc_Q-Qg5eS7X6r7KsBVMqnqPuspLfH2NpGnR8I5hWtJ_gCVp1BqpWmefQvuh3zZYqlBjkVlGvxnKTgiZ0cxjuGzg-1h2TeMFmL7plq5B890qs1tys-82GtACo/s2048/IMG_20210619_203423.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2048" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8NNN7a0JugLRV5lcn7xWc_Q-Qg5eS7X6r7KsBVMqnqPuspLfH2NpGnR8I5hWtJ_gCVp1BqpWmefQvuh3zZYqlBjkVlGvxnKTgiZ0cxjuGzg-1h2TeMFmL7plq5B890qs1tys-82GtACo/s320/IMG_20210619_203423.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me and my friend Simon, a fellow cider drinker</td></tr></tbody></table><p style="text-align: left;">This morning I attended the two services at my curacy church, laying the altar and reading the gospel. I wore my stole in its new arrangement - as a deacon, I wore it across my body over the left shoulder and tied at my right hip, for the diaconate is a serving ministry, and this is reminiscent of the towel Jesus tied around himself to <a href="http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=491214277" target="_blank">wash the disciples feet</a>; </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkd9nhcDZTEfJpzkzvCBPW8aS5bqGoXZOoLsiKyictOJlC6GOltNA_Ih_fFaj5LarhN854QhkX351ad5SoT9Yzp8AScF4PljLfRFy0vQWfL1AwhSaDepqXjzwa-PrJkwAWLPs1UM0JR6E/s2048/_E8A5489.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1128" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkd9nhcDZTEfJpzkzvCBPW8aS5bqGoXZOoLsiKyictOJlC6GOltNA_Ih_fFaj5LarhN854QhkX351ad5SoT9Yzp8AScF4PljLfRFy0vQWfL1AwhSaDepqXjzwa-PrJkwAWLPs1UM0JR6E/s320/_E8A5489.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Deacon</td></tr></tbody></table><br />I am still a deacon, but now I have had the orders of a priest added, and so I wear the stole around my neck and hanging down on either side of my front, for a priest takes the role of Christ at the table, and so takes on his yoke, which we kiss when we put it on because <a href="https://www.blogger.com/#">the burden is light</a>.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWc3tTrzwTeOJtxYTUs9pdcaU5OznSOmQoPbgyjxKfenEHuJPgIlxpfQqh6UvoHdbVYDNzaQYPY3yWXKhyphenhyphenlzoBnkUxAz_qHE7cROxMyEtwnrCnpZ8X_70DUCvVrafsvoqJ2LgsIsrhl0c/s2048/IMG_20210619_183120.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="1038" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiWc3tTrzwTeOJtxYTUs9pdcaU5OznSOmQoPbgyjxKfenEHuJPgIlxpfQqh6UvoHdbVYDNzaQYPY3yWXKhyphenhyphenlzoBnkUxAz_qHE7cROxMyEtwnrCnpZ8X_70DUCvVrafsvoqJ2LgsIsrhl0c/s320/IMG_20210619_183120.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Priest!</td></tr></tbody></table><p style="text-align: left;">Sitting there in St John's sanctuary with this small change to indicate what had changed in me, I felt like I had landed. That's the best way I can describe it. This is where I am, and who I have become, and it is right and good. It's an incredible feeling, like realising you're in love with someone and they are in love with you, and everything has aligned just right; like walking into somewhere you feel is home and relaxing in your bones with tension you didn't realise you had; like finishing the last of a long series of books you've been reading for years. </p><p style="text-align: left;">The journey continues. This is not the end, but another beginning (yay for cliches). And I am well up for it!</p>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-8071547325383280452020-10-14T12:00:00.038+01:002020-10-14T12:00:02.806+01:0007/09/2020 Five years later - now ordained!<div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">See my previous anniversary posts: <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2016/09/07092016-one-year-into-exploration-of.html" target="_blank">One year</a>, <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2017/09/07092017-two-years-since-start-of.html" target="_blank">two years</a>, <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/09/07092019-four-years-since-start-of.html" target="_blank">four years</a><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAnKOU_u1_e57FHZdXe1cWH49BkSOVqUms3RmW2PyM8pXmk9gDjj9FFKmBpzvGUwK3tXmjx07q-2WCkMFUhd3CC97PJSgcOZGFCFvkyxauaLBJpymo1iZL6rtEzU03eY76pZ8NWlKCiXM/s1415/IMG_4702.jpeg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1415" data-original-width="1237" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiAnKOU_u1_e57FHZdXe1cWH49BkSOVqUms3RmW2PyM8pXmk9gDjj9FFKmBpzvGUwK3tXmjx07q-2WCkMFUhd3CC97PJSgcOZGFCFvkyxauaLBJpymo1iZL6rtEzU03eY76pZ8NWlKCiXM/s320/IMG_4702.jpeg" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My ordained team photo, taken outside my curacy church</td></tr></tbody></table><br /></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">My other anniversary posts might have been a bit late into September, but it is unfortunate this year that I have made it into October before getting round to it. I do think I can be given a bit of slack though, due to the global pandemic and the small matter of getting ordained. </span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">So it's finally happened. I'm sitting here in a clerical collar. And I must say I really haven't processed the whole thing yet. Let's start with a look over the last year.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">It's been a much bigger shift than my last anniversary posts have covered. Last September I was starting third year, courting a curacy, and worried about my dissertation. I was part of a community, with a house full of friends, and I had a very full and exciting summer with lots of travel and new people and experiences. I felt like I was on a conveyor belt. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">Now the whole world has changed, and then my corner of it has changed even further.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">I didn't get to enjoy my final term and engage in the the rituals of ending properly. I moved house in fraught and subdued circumstances, back to a city with a very different rhythm to the one I was leaving. An empty house with my three pieces of furniture, all on my own, my first time in full control of a household. I started a curacy without being ordained, and with worship a far cry from what is usually is. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">When you read the literature about stress, I tick most of the boxes for big life changes - moving house, new job, committing to a relationship, money worries, on top of times of uncertainty, lack of control, and additional responsibilities. I am very lucky that I have secure employment and housing, and I have not been bereaved, but I think it's still fair to say I have had a lot to handle.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">Yet again, it is lots of life stuff, not so much God stuff that has taken most of my time and energy, and whilst everything has been turned on its head (again), the religious stuff is coming to the fore, but not so much my own spirituality. Learning and committing to a new church as one of its clergy, at a time when everything is weird and we don't know what Advent will look like, is bloody hard. All clergy have to put effort into maintaining their own spiritual lives underneath day to day ministry, but I think those of us starting curacy this year are at a disadvantage that we have more to get under without the benefit of years of practice.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">Anyway, the ordination. Here's a glimpse of what I was feeling the day before it happened, and some snippets from the livestream of the service itself.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/WxSO-PHC9dk" width="320" youtube-src-id="WxSO-PHC9dk"></iframe></div><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">(the full ordination service is available <a href="https://youtu.be/fKcWIggNLys" target="_blank">here</a>)</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">It definitely now feels like I've started something, I'm in a new chapter (and of course, I have joined <a href="https://www.london.anglican.org/directory/westminster-paddington-deanery/" target="_blank">deanery</a> <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chapter_(religion)" target="_blank">chapter</a>, haha!). Who I am has now clicked into place with the life I've been living, and all the small inconsistencies have been smoothed out. Even just watching this video back a few weeks later, I do feel like a different person. It's not dramatic, but it is noticeable. And I'm not as worried about having a 'schema'; all the rhetoric about being yourself as a clergyperson rather than fitting into a set pattern of 'what a priest is' makes so much sense - who I am behind this collar is as much a clergyperson as my colleagues, but in so many different ways, and that's beautiful and marvellous.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">My sense of self has definitely cleared up since <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2020/08/what-even-is-lay-curate.html" target="_blank">I wrote about it in August</a>. I am no longer fractured or unsettled. My identity is more certain. I cannot know how this all would have gone down if I had been ordained in July in a world without Covid-19, but no matter. </span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;">How are me and God doing? Well, in a previous post I wrote </span><span style="font-family: arial;">"</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><span style="color: #444444;"><i>God and I have a very slow-moving relationship, because it is true that I do better at things in life if I get to work up to it in a thorough and methodical manner. God understands that better than I do when I'm being blinded by my enthusiasm and passion</i></span><span style="color: #444444; font-size: x-small;">.</span>" This still rings true. I understand quickly but retain slowly, so building up to being an ordained curate by doing it as a lay one first might have been a bit of a blessing.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;"><br /></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white; font-family: arial;">God is the undercurrent, as always. I get comfort and reassurance when I stop and check in. As per my MO, daily corporate prayer is an anchor point, particularly the eucharist on a Monday evening. The eucharist has also been a touchstone place for me and God.</span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><span style="background-color: white;">Am I still on my axles in God's workshop? I haven't thought about this imagery much lately, but I re-read some posts and <a href="http://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/06/" target="_blank">came across it</a>. I thought when I last wrote about it that I would eventually "</span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><i>set down off the stand ready to hit the throttle into curacy, to warm up the tyres and get to grips with the upgrades, so that I can journey well in the rest of my life in ministry</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;">".</span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 14.85px;"> </span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I don't feel like I've necessarily hit the throttle as such. I was stuck revving the engine with a depressed clutch for a while, but I have nosed out the garage doors now. I can feel the sun on my new, novel parts, and I'm slowly testing out my new shape and features in the yard.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: arial;">I can see the life-long learning ahead of me. Growing as clergy will happen every day - slow days, days off, bad days. I like who I have become in five years. I am where I should be, lucky son of bitch that I am. I love God, I love people, I love the Church (for all its flaws). I love being ordained, at least so far.</span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: arial;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: arial;">Being public property will get wearing. Working too many hours will be hard. Holding people through the highs and lows of life will take a toll. Meeting problems I cannot fix will wound my soul. I cannot predict what else this life is going do to me, or the people in my life. I cannot predict what my life will look like. But thank God I was called so young - the unexpected adventures ahead, the anticipation of the unknown, it's an incredible gift. I hope I never take it for granted. And I hope I can keep taking you along with me.</span></span></div>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-86239988821644660602020-08-12T11:00:00.011+01:002020-09-10T16:24:32.643+01:00What even IS a lay curate??<div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETtmRz4JwGUOqiM_pB1UVRbt9kv4wDFBvZn6CKtUTeytJwbKBxKGv9b5lxd7xR7iL_nb_OwlHpuvNZlwHjHLfbDOybuizUIL7zTQ2zPFa80Jz1hNumRCBLXnEWEBeWAZXw1_xAAqF2aw/s1319/IMG_4696.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1094" data-original-width="1319" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhETtmRz4JwGUOqiM_pB1UVRbt9kv4wDFBvZn6CKtUTeytJwbKBxKGv9b5lxd7xR7iL_nb_OwlHpuvNZlwHjHLfbDOybuizUIL7zTQ2zPFa80Jz1hNumRCBLXnEWEBeWAZXw1_xAAqF2aw/s320/IMG_4696.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">My lay licensed worker team photo, taken outside my curacy church building</span></div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><span style="font-family: georgia;">When I was told that my <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Holy_orders#Anglicanism" target="_blank">ordination</a> was going to be postponed until at least <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michaelmas" target="_blank">Michaelmas</a> because of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/COVID-19_pandemic" target="_blank">Covid-19</a>, I was hit with shock, like a gut punch. But I was lucky, because I was told in March, and as I was due to be ordained in July, I had time to rearrange my concept of my future. Some of my contemporaries were not so lucky, getting radio silence from their dioceses until the last minute, or pin-balling </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">throughout March-June </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">between umpteen different scenarios in regular updates on what to expect. </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">Also, I had enough to think about as I finished my dissertation, got through the last of my teaching (online), planned my house move, and dealt with the emotional fallout of lockdown in a global pandemic. </span><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">I moved on the same day I had planned, started working on the same day as had been agreed, and I have been doing the work of a new <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curate#Anglican_Communion" target="_blank">curate</a> (in a pandemic) with only one difference based on my <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Laity#Anglicanism" target="_blank">lay</a> status. </span><span style="font-family: georgia;">That one difference is that I sit in the congregation at services, in my smart work clothes, rather than in the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chancel" target="_blank">sanctuary</a> in robes. </span><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">Laid out like this, it all seems like I should be happily bobbing along, content with my situation and basically unhindered by my lack of ordination.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">However, I feel a little bit like I'm going mad. That sounds dramatic. What I mean is I have a slight, underlying feeling of being somehow fractured, unsettled, like some of my feathers are sticking up the wrong way just behind my periphery. This is not how things are supposed to be. I don't quite fit this state.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">Now I know that in some dioceses this is actually a normal scenario, a new curate being ordained at Michaelmas, so I don't want to imply anything about that situation. All I can do is express my own experience, and it is one of a very disconcerting sense of an indeterminate and uncertain identity. I am one of the clergy and not ordained - this is not something for which my blueprint of the world has a reference point. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">One of the most tangible symbols of this is my clothes. "</span><span style="font-family: georgia;">Well now", you might say, "what have clothes to do with being a minister? You're still ministering, right? Getting to know the parishioners, settling into the team dynamic, continued study, helping plan services, pastoral care, working on a theology project, updating the <a href="https://www.stjohns-hydepark.com/welcome" target="_blank">church website</a>, leading the offices - how are any of the things you are actually doing with your time affected by your clothes?"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">None. I will grant you, none of these things are being done differently because I am not in a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerical_collar" target="_blank">clerical collar</a>. But we are not simply the sum of our actions, and it is my sense of self within these tasks that is off-kilter, plus my theology of priesthood is ontological, not functional*. The collar is an outward sign of something of the self, and its absence - in a context in which it is expected - makes me aware of my lack. And it doesn't help that, whilst I spent three months knowing and preparing to be a lay curate, I previously spent <i>years </i>preparing to be an ordained curate. I can't throw off such long-held expectation so easily.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: georgia;">I walk the streets of this parish and pray, and I get what I can only describe as cognitive dissonance, and I feel guilty. I know it's irrational, but that's how my heart twangs. <i>Cognitive dissonance </i></span><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><i>occurs when a person holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values; or participates in an action that goes against one of these three, and experiences psychological stress because of that. </i></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">The action of praying for the parish connects with my understanding of a clergyperson's duties - a deacon or a priest prays for their people and their place. But I ain't no <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deacon" target="_blank">deacon</a>, and so my mind immediately connects with my lay status and boom, internal turmoil. And I feel guilty because part of me is disgusted that I would pretend to be ordained. And then I get annoyed at myself - obviously a lay person can pray for whoever they blooming like, what theology am I touting here?! </span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;">I'll reach up and gently touch my exposed throat, and grief will rise up in my belly. </span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;">I'll remind myself that I only have to wait just a little bit longer, but the time is not exactly flying by. I'm having a wonderful time, I have no complaints, but it's like going down a slide sideways. Not quite aligned to fit the groove and motion of travel.</span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I don't mean to complain. These are not problems of huge suffering, and I acknowledge that. Plus I am guaranteed an end, it is acute not chronic, and these three months will dwindle to insignificance as the years of ordained ministry pile up. But this is my reality right now, a lay curate who can't figure out what that means to me. It challenges my ecclesiology, and makes me question what the difference between 'ordained' and 'not' means. </span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">An ordained person is still a member of the laos, the people, for all in the laos have a calling to something, the baptismal priesthood of all believers, and there just happens to be a minority for whom that is vocational priesthood. They are 'set aside' somewhat, but not separate, not vaunted or raised up. In my opinion, it's ontologically a sideways move to a distinct place in the Church.</span></span><span style="background-color: white; font-family: georgia;"> So ordination is not some huge elevation, but it is important, and integral to how the body of Christ is on earth. </span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am functioning as a curate, that's my role, but I'm not in my place in the Church yet. My very nature is held back from slotting into place. I must admit my role is also a little held back, besides not robing - the collar will add to people's perception of me, so I have not done the exploration of the parish that I would have already started if I were already ordained. I want to go into the businesses of the parish and say hello, but I know that's going to be less awkward with the collar, so I'm delaying it until after I am ordained.</span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">This is true even if you don't have an ontological view of priesthood - wearing a collar means something, it is <i>affective</i>. </span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">I am the curate, but I am only half way to what that means to me. It will be such a relief when it happens, even though my role here in the parish will not change from one side of the weekend to the other. I will be a member of the people of God's Church, and on top of that something of my being, my mind, body and soul, will be dedicated and empowered in a new way. Until then, I'm going to feel (irrationally) like a fraud, functioning in an ecclesial identity I don't actually have. Yet.</span></span></div></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">*there's an interesting pair of blogposts about this argument within Anglicanism from both sides, <a href="https://www.psephizo.com/life-ministry/ordination-does-not-make-you-a-priest/" target="_blank">here</a> and <a href="https://www.psephizo.com/life-ministry/priestly-ministry-and-the-church-of-england/" target="_blank">here</a>.</span></span></div>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-5939505710439896032020-07-09T09:18:00.000+01:002020-07-09T09:18:04.212+01:00When I am a curate...<div>This is a post that was first drafted, I don't know, about a year and a half ago, maybe. It's been sitting here, and every so often an idea has occurred to me to think about later, so I've opened this draft up and popped the idea in, creating a list. Now I've started as a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Curate#Anglican_Communion" target="_blank">curate</a> (though as a <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/vocations/exploring-lay-ministry" target="_blank">lay licensed minister</a> rather than a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deacon#Catholicism,_Orthodoxy,_Anglicanism,_Methodism" target="_blank">deacon</a>) so I'll have to stop simply adding things to it and then forgetting about them, and instead post it in the hope and intention that I will start doing them.</div><div><br /></div><div>I've got three categories here. The first is 'personal', and it is the longest. Now, on a vocations blog, you might think such a list would focus on more religious things than anything else, but I'm here to show you the reality. All the gumpf one encounters on the <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/vocations/preparing-ordained-ministry/understanding-selection" target="_blank">discernment</a> hamster wheel is very religious, and so is a lot of the training. Sure, this is a good focus, and should be the groundwork that such a process gives candidates. But my experience has had a wider impact on the <i>un</i>religious parts of my life, and, to be honest, I'm not surprised there is not a lot of attention or guidance to these areas, because of course this is the part that makes every vocation story different.</div><div><br /></div><div>There is no standard story. I have been incredibly frustrated over the last five years (wait, <i>five years</i>?!) by the vague tone of almost every piece of guidance and advice, as all I wanted was some concrete how-tos and a reassuring roadmap. Sadly, this was never going to happen, and it's only now that I can see it. There is no how-to, there is not a roadmap beyond the vague guidance. Said vague guidance is the only content that it is possible to give to everyone, because ultimately they're not going to have a universal experience. Some will have similar patterns and some will overlap, but many will not.</div><div><br /></div><div>No two vocation stories are the same, and some are incredibly, wildly different. I mean, just look at me and <a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC0Ty__EHbGj9FhR0_UXnQ0g" target="_blank">my brother</a>. We shared a lot in a 16-year window of our stories, then <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2015/11/my-faith-story-so-far.html" target="_blank">mine</a> went through drama school, lodging in London, working at a church, theological college, and then becoming clergy. <a href="https://www.instagram.com/alexelsey/?hl=en" target="_blank">His</a> (to give a very inaccurate and brief overview) went through a normal uni degree, moving back home, training to be an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mixed_martial_arts" target="_blank">MMA</a> fighter, working for a shop, then in an office, becoming a coach as well as a fighter, and then also getting a normal part time job.</div><div><br /></div><div>You might not believe me, but there are other curates in the Church of England right now whose story has as much in common with mine as my brother's does ie. not a lot. Even if one shares a general vocation to something like 'priesthood', no two vocation stories are the same, and some are incredibly, wildly different.</div><div><br /></div><div>Anyway, so one of the reasons for the disparity of vocation stories is the personal context. Different backgrounds, life structures, responsibilities, financial situations, personalities, priorities and values lead to a wonderful variety of clergy lives. My life as a clergy person is unique, and that is mostly due to the personal context, not the religious.</div><div><br /></div><div>Okay, enough waffle, here's my first list. </div><div><br /></div><u>Personal</u><br />
<ul>
<li>I would like to create and stick to a running schedule</li>
<li>It would be wonderful to get some singing lessons</li>
<li>I am really keen to try to get to know the people who live nearest to me</li>
<li>I plan to subscribe to newsletters for local events, and cultural opportunities eg theatres</li>
<li>It would be a good idea to do the DVSA enhanced rider scheme</li>
<li>I want to sign up to give blood and possibly other donation options eg eggs, bone marrow etc</li>
<li>I would like to ride my motorcycle to visit friends across the country</li>
<li>I want to occasionally visit my grandparents</li>
<li>I want to subscribe to a daily newspaper and the <a href="www.churchtimes.co.uk" target="_blank">Church Times</a></li><li>I fancy getting and using a bread maker</li>
<li>I am very keen to try to be more eco-friendly</li><li>It would be nice to visit other curates I know from <a href="https://community.dur.ac.uk/cranmer.hall/" target="_blank">Cranmer Hall </a>who are in London</li>
</ul><div>So I've been in my curacy house for just under 4 weeks now. I've already met some neighbours, subscribed to a local newsletter, and digitally to a newspaper, plus gone to see my grandparents. I have also been setting up my new house with <a href="https://ecovibe.co.uk/" target="_blank">eco</a> in mind, so all my cleaning <a href="https://www.ethicalsuperstore.com/" target="_blank">products/equipment</a> are as <a href="https://www.theplasticfreeshop.co.uk/" target="_blank">plastic-free</a> as possible. I did plan to start running before starting at the church, but that hasn't happened, still on the to do list, as are a lot of things. </div><div><br /></div><div>The CofE have got a good thing right in some of their training, because in the last five years (seriously, <i>five years</i>!) I have imbibed a good sense of looking after oneself as a priority within the context of ministry. These things are on this list because they will hopefully help build a life where I am able to minister to the best of my ability, and lay a foundation for a full life that won't lead to burn out. The groundwork is important, and it continues from college into this phase.</div><div><br /></div><div>The next two sections are the religious stuff, and I have separated out 'spiritual', which overlaps religious and personal, and 'clerical', which are things I want to do specifically because I am clergy.</div><div><br /></div><div>Now I'm sure those of us in discernment/training/ministry all have a picture in our minds as to the kind of priest we dream of being, and I'm also sure that none of those dreams will ever be real people. We instead will learn over the years what kind of priest we are and will grow into. My sending <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rector_(ecclesiastical)#Anglican_churches" target="_blank">rector</a> has always said that curacy is the time to build up my 'muscle memory' for the basics of priesthood, and I'm trying to hold to that. Obviously my training <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vicar_(Anglicanism)" target="_blank">vicar</a> has responsibility within that, seeing as he has the experience to know what those basics should be that we want to work on.</div><div><br /></div><div>This list is not coming from that perspective - I don't need to make a list of the basic priestly things the learn in curacy, for starters because <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/ministry-division" target="_blank">ministry division</a> already have criteria I need to meet to pass IME phase 2! (<b>I</b>nitial <b>M</b>inistry <b>E</b>ducation - phase 1 was training at college) And it is again a slightly vague and unquantifiable thing - there is still a focus on personal formation, but there's also things like liturgical education, and every training incumbent is going to have slightly different priorities on how to use the 3-4 years of curacy to best effect. There is so much that priests do and could do, and not enough time to cover it all, so those priorities lead to a triage of what to cover and what to leave to 'get round to' or just not cover at all.</div><div><br /></div><div>So this list is none of that. These are things I have seen done, heard about, or thought of for one reason or another over the last few years that I fancy having a go at to see how much they might play a part in the priest I'm going to become.</div><div><br /></div>
<div><u>Clerical</u></div>
<div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>seek out my local <a href="https://ctbi.org.uk/" target="_blank">Churches Together</a></li>
<li>visit all the cafes, shops, businesses and bars in my parish</li>
<li>research local initiatives and see if there's anything I can support</li>
<li>track my hours</li>
<li>register with the local library</li>
<li>Maintain links to the army chaplains department</li>
<li>Attempt to train in <a href="https://www.godlyplay.uk/" target="_blank">Godly Play</a></li>
<li>acquaint myself with the key people in my episcopal area and diocesan offices eg funeral directors</li>
</ul><div>I have visited some shops in the parish - I know by name two of the three people who work at the deli down the street, for example; and my long-awaited <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/in-pictures-53290746" target="_blank">haircut</a> was achieved at the salon right next door to said deli. But I've got a long way to go. I have printed out an unlabelled map which I hope to fill with my own labels as I explore the parish. I'm lucky that it is in fact only about 0.5miles square in size! But that does add the pressure to get around all of it - no excuses. Churches Together is something to check with my vicar; tracking hours is a tad optimistic I reckon, but I thought I'd give it a go; I have registered with the local library service, so I need to pop down to my nearest one and have a look; I have already had lunch with the senior army chaplain for London; wow, I had forgotten the Godly Play thing, this is why I write things down; and we'll see how the last one goes, considering being in the middle of a pandemic.</div><div><br /></div><div>Lastly, there are two things that I really hope I can achieve from a spiritual point of view.</div><div><br /></div>
</div>
<div><u>Spiritual</u></div>
<div>
<ul>
<li>I’ll go on a retreat, where I can access Anglican services, once a year</li>
<li>set up a 'prayer space' to see if that is helpful to me</li>
</ul><div>The first one is priestly 101, and a habit I have been trying to form over the last few years, so we'll see if I can keep that going; and the second one is going to be interesting, given that I have not got the luxury that some of my contemporaries do of a five bed house with a garage and a garden. I have been very lucky in where I am living, but its smaller square footage does make finding a corner for said prayer space a little bit of a challenge. </div><div><br /></div><div>There it is, the list I have been sitting on. Now is the time to activate it and see what sticks. </div><div><br /></div><div>As you can see this is not a post reflecting on 'the end of my time as an ordinand'. I may have anticipated doing something like that, but now I've reached this point, typing this in my first week at <a href="https://www.stjohns-hydepark.com/" target="_blank">St John's</a>, it's not the big transition I thought it was going to be.</div><div><br /></div><div>Going from lay person to ordinand shattered my whole world and I started again. Going from ordinand to curate is continuing to build on top of being an ordinand. I am not starting again, because it is the same project, the next step, rather than a new journey. And I feel ready for it. It may be exhilarating, and make me a little nervous, but becoming a curate is nowhere near as frightening as the feeling of stepping into the void that starting at college was. Let's be fair, I've also grown up three more years since then, so that's a factor too. I'm more confident, I feel a fraction more knowledgable and experienced, and I am eager to learn more and more of what I've started absorbing into who I am and how I honour God with my life. </div><div><br /></div><div>I am doing what I have been doing for five years, and wish to do for decades to come - following my calling, living my vocation, discerning God's path for me. I am so lucky, and I will give it my all.</div>
</div>
Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-80153610040220745952020-04-17T13:52:00.000+01:002020-04-17T13:52:18.926+01:00Video: Curacy and Lockdown<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-11943811460236526882020-01-09T16:12:00.000+00:002020-01-09T16:12:29.483+00:00Video: Penultimate term as an ordinand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-2652898449081950912019-11-17T17:43:00.000+00:002019-11-17T17:57:13.043+00:00Being a third year ordinandSome things are common across any <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/life-events/vocations/preparing-ordained-ministry/your-pathway" target="_blank">ordinand</a> who is in their final year. We are in a weird limbo where <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/curacy" target="_blank">curacy</a> conversations have probably started over the summer, and for many, visits, confirmation, a bit of bureaucracy, then an announcement might actually come before Christmas.<br />
<br />
So first term is a lot of extra effort arranging the next step, but by the end, it might all be set up, and you've still got two terms to go before actually taking it. It is one of the most common comments about final year, that one is both <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kingdom_theology" target="_blank">now and not yet</a> (yes, that's a theological reference, a-thank you) excited about curacy but having to concentrate on dissertation or ILP, assignments, lectures and placements. Plus still dealing with the infantilisation of being a student, accommodation issues, finance juggling, and trying to actually have a life beyond college.<br />
<br />
This week I had a curacy visit, and everything else at college has been an extra effort; my motivation has been seriously affected by the future talk, going round the parish, getting to know the team (and I'll reiterate what I wrote last time, no, I can't tell you where it is yet) and all the exciting details that are triggering my imagination. My mind is time-travelling to next summer, my <a href="https://pin.it/7kgffcsqpa6guf" target="_blank">Pinterest</a> is full of furniture I'll never be able to afford, and wait, what further biblical studies essay?<br />
<br />
On the horizon I will be ordering an ordination <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stole_(vestment)" target="_blank">stole</a>, inviting people to the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ordination" target="_blank">ordination</a> service, buying other <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vestment" target="_blank">vestments</a> and clerical wear, that day that is coming when I will put on a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clerical_collar" target="_blank">clerical collar </a>for the first time, and eventually organising moving dates. All that will come with more academic deadlines, leavers events and who knows what else will be thrown at us before we can finally get our teeth into this curacy business.<br />
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Other things are singular to third years, who are commonly very much a minority, as more people have two years of ordination training at college than three. I have made several comments this term to the effect that being a third year means pendulum-swinging between cynicism and nostalgia, adding to an already complex long-term relationship with the establishment. In getting to know yet another bunch of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed first years, it is hard not to feel some empathy with the ancient of days (oh my, another reference, this time <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ancient_of_Days" target="_blank">biblical</a> - that'll be the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Evangelicalism" target="_blank">evangelical</a> influence!) using phrases like some old codger in the nursing home - "back in my first year, it was all very different. You don't know how lucky you are!"<br />
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This is probably true of most third or further year students across academia, but I think there is something particular to an ordinand - most of us had a life before this, a first degree, a career, friendship circles and established favourite drinking holes, and now we've moved, we're retraining, and we're going to move again; the world-weariness is deeper, with those extra laters, than a 21yo finishing their economics degree is going to have.<br />
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Being a third year ordinand means finally feeling confident on placement but not having the collar of authority and invitation that a lot of friends and peers who have already gotten ordained have in <i>their</i> ministry contexts.<br />
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It's being incredibly bored at this point of explaining the discernment and training process to people in your life who, let's be honest, have actually heard it fifteen times already, but unlike the people at college, aren't living it, and therefore it slips from their memory.<br />
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It's looking at the four walls of your student accommodation and seeing the ghosts of piles of packing boxes, both as a step back in time to arriving at college, and a glimpse into the future of leaving, finally, getting out, and getting on.<br />
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It's being determined within all this nonsense to be present, to not make the mistake of some of the two sets of third years you've seen go before you of checking out early. So yes, get to know the shiny new first years; go to college events as if a party in a lecture hall is still incredibly exciting fifth time around; complain about the food (whilst incredibly grateful that you have it, especially with enough experience to know what is worth having and what is worth avoiding); and yes, make stupid theological jokes in general conversation/blogposts because you're <b>still here</b>.<br />
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You're still in this confessing college environment. You're still chained to the academic machine that demands words in chunks of 1500, 2500 and eventually 12,000. You're still living your life, every moment, every breath God gives you, and each of <i>these</i> days is of equal length, and ideally of equal value, to any days coming which are the other side of that line in the sand that is ordination. The line in the sand that was going to theological college is a distance memory, disappeared over the horizon behind you, and it seems like such an age since you crossed it that surely this stage is over. But it is not. It is still going, and you are called into this moment, as with every moment, to be blessed, and to be a blessing, whatever that means in this context, right now.<br />
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These lines in the sand are useful reference points; we are but only human after all. But they are not set by us, they are not in our control - what we do between them is.<br />
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As a third year, I am constantly reminding myself that I do not want to look back at my time at college with a glumness that it was a grind to get through and thank God I'm out of it. No, I want to look back and remember thanking God that I was here, now, with these people and in this place.<br />
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I'm trying, and I'm failing, and I'll keep trying. For one more year.<br />
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-570505226784483142019-09-15T11:00:00.000+01:002019-09-15T11:00:07.645+01:0007/09/2019 Four years since start of exploration of vocationNow obviously the date this post is published is not that of the title, but the idea of the post is to mark the date in the title, so I've kept it for the look of the thing!<br />
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I've been looking over the past anniversary posts, and whilst I did one after <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2016/09/07092016-one-year-into-exploration-of.html" target="_blank">one year</a> and one after <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2017/09/07092017-two-years-since-start-of.html" target="_blank">two years</a>, I am shocked that I didn't do one last year, and I can only apologise. 2018 and 19 have been sparse for content here, but that doesn't mean I've not been doing anything - it's just that I've been getting on with college, concentrating on the detail of my vocation rather than contemplating the big picture. Why would I? Once I arrived here, I had three years set out in front of me, a red carpet that I only had to follow.<br />
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But the end of the carpet is in sight and suddenly the prospect of stepping off it needs addressing. To be honest, <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/06/continuing-great-adventure-to-holy.html" target="_blank">my post a few months ago</a> did a good job of summing up the feeling of second year. Since then, I have spend <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2019/08/video-belgium-trip-2019-and-new.html" target="_blank">two weeks in Belgium</a>, and done 4 weeks parish placement, which was lovely - great people, and a fabulous vicar, with loads of experiences and stuff; I was very pleased to reflect that I felt very comfortable being the ordinand, the one alongside the vicar ie. I felt competent.<br />
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I have also spent 4 days with RAF chaplains, who were so hospitable and generous; I had a proper holiday which did me a lot of good, as well as a holiday visiting friends who are simply mad and joyful; I had a week's retreat at Pluscarden Abbey, which was okay, though I should have gone to an Anglican one really; I took my motorcycle to Scotland so I've had a lot of experience to make me a better rider; and I have just got back from a two week placement with the army chaplains, which was amazing.<br />
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That's a lot to go through in 14 weeks. I'm so glad I have a little bit of time before term starts to reorientate and sort out my life a bit. But also, since then the wheel has been turning on conversations around curacy - in case you don't know, I can't tell anyone <i>anything </i>until a curacy is absolutely confirmed, but I can say I am looking at somewhere. Plus I really need to get cracking on my dissertation. The end of this chapter is nigh and the planning for the next already in motion.<br />
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In amongst it all, feeling like one is on a conveyor belt, contemplation of vocation is hard to fit in, though I will say I am very interested in army chaplaincy, and I am very pleased that I will be doing my term time placement with a <a href="https://www.army.mod.uk/who-we-are/corps-regiments-and-units/university-officers-training-corps/" target="_blank">university officers training corps</a>. I haven't had any doubts that I am supposed to be here and I am called to be an ordained priest in the Church of England, and I've been doing overall pretty well. I'm so happy to have the motorcycle, and I think that will have a significant effect in my third year.<br />
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It's still weird to think that this time next year I'll be ordained a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Deacon" target="_blank">deacon</a>. Wearing a collar, ministering in a parish, oh, and have money coming in again! A very different life to the last two years, and a new sense of being - to be ordained itself still seems distant and unimaginable.<br />
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Four years later, life has changed completely, several times, and will change completely again. God remains consistent and steadfast, but I am changed, almost completely as well. Some of that is growing up, and some is shifting priorities and wider understandings.<br />
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I'm starting to waffle, I'm sorry. Life is pretty full and whilst I am glad about that, I can sometimes lose sight of 'me' in 'my life', so reflecting on the last year is a little hazy. Hopefully it'll get processed in the depths of memory and I'll have figured it out once I look back on it in the future. I think that's a common experience of full time college, even without the priestly formation stuff.<br />
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Who knows what third year will bring? I cannot guess, but I'll let you know.<br />
<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-10806749082874900512019-08-03T17:29:00.000+01:002019-08-03T17:29:13.323+01:00Video: Belgium trip 2019 (and new motorcycle!)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Also, in case anyone is interested, here's a close up of my new tattoo which makes a couple of appearances in the video. I got it in May 2019, a year after my first one (the rainbow on my arm). It is based on a design from the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_John%27s_College,_Durham" target="_blank">east window</a> of the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/St_John%27s_College,_Durham" target="_blank">St John's College</a> chapel of an ancient symbol for Christ called a <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chi_Rho" target="_blank">Chi Rho</a>. So now I carry the New Testament Christ over my heart.<br />
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And I am now the owner of my own motorcycle! This is me half way home to Durham having been hanging out with some RAF chaplains down south for a few days. His name is Jimmy, and he is a Suzuki GSF600 Bandit. And yes, hanging out with the chaplains was pretty cool too, but no, me on the motorcycle did not mean it was all like <a href="https://i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2018/10/09/20/4895936-6257677-Throwback_He_was_only_24_years_old_when_Top_Gun_was_released_to_-a-14_1539114740180.jpg" target="_blank">Top Gun</a>.</div>
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-66363296349066466552019-06-09T11:00:00.000+01:002019-06-09T11:00:01.088+01:00Continuing the Great Adventure to Holy Orders - Two years into trainingThe actors training alongside me at drama school used to say that their experience of their time there was akin to being broken into small pieces then reassembled bit by bit. I've got to say, my experience of theological college has been very similar. <br />
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In my <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/sites/default/files/2017-10/Sending%20Candidates%20to%20BAP.pdf" target="_blank">BAP</a> paperwork, I said my hope was that “my formation will be an anvil to God’s blacksmith”, but it’s more like my formation is the workshop for God’s mechanic. I’m up on the axle stand, and I am being sort of taken apart in an act that is actually creative rather than destructive. Some parts are taken out of the whole and worked on separately, or replaced entirely. Some parts are being serviced, renewed and polished, revealing the potential that was already there. Enhancements are being added, new buttons put into the dashboard to access new features, but the essence of the car is not changed. Same colour, same design, same history, same owner, but renewed purpose and updated manual.<br />
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Hopefully, this is a similar process to the one described in <a href="http://bible.oremus.org/?ql=426820448" target="_blank">Colossians 3</a>, that we have "stripped off the old self with its practices and have clothed yourselves with the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge according to the image of its creator". Only time will tell.<br />
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I'm coming to the end of my second year as an ordinand, and I have one more academic year to go. I have started conversations with London diocese about <a href="https://www.churchofengland.org/curacy" target="_blank">curacy</a>, but I have yet to be told if I will be released or not. I have another jam-packed summer ahead of me, including 4 weeks in a parish, and hopefully some placements with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Military_chaplain" target="_blank">military chaplains</a>, but also I've scheduled some actual 'holiday' time, which is better than last year, as well as personal spiritual retreat. Next year, I will write a dissertation, and finish my BA degree, as well as prepare to move and start curacy.</div>
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It is so weird to still be here, in Durham, at Cranmer Hall. Not that I mean I'm surprised I haven't been kicked out, but it's just unusual for me to be in the same place with the same people for so long. And even though the community make-up has changed, and it'll change again come October, life is all still basically the same, and that is very unfamiliar territory for me. I might be talking about curacy, but it's still a whole year away; the future has never been so far. Suddenly I'm the one radically changing, not my circumstances. Since coming to Durham, I have gotten two tattoos and a motorcycle licence, and that's just scratching the surface. </div>
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I have delved into the Bible in a way completely unknown to me; I have settled into my relationship with God in a manner unfathomable before; I have realised a passion for writing prayers and preaching which has astonished me; I have fought against more <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Biphobia" target="_blank">biphobia</a> than I have ever experienced in my life; and I have truly picked up the mantle of my future and set it on my shoulders.</div>
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But I'm still up on the axle stand, I still feel like I'm in pieces; my capacity to love is growing, my pastoral ability is being enhanced, my vocabulary has been almost replaced it's so different, my commitment to being a Church of England Anglican has been renewed, my potential as a leader has been revealed, and new features include obscure biblical references and unlikely friendships have been added. But at the moment I do not feel like a cohesive whole, and parts of my life and my self sit around me, only strung together by the barest of threads.<br />
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The same as <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2018/06/video-self-care-as-ordinand-know-thyself.html" target="_blank">this time last year</a>, my mental health has not be so good, making this lack of cohesion harder to bear, but I've made it to the end of term, and now I have a series of interesting projects and trips over the summer to recharge me to get through the last three terms of my degree. And God is constant through it all.</div>
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I've still got a year to go, and details of my future to confirm, so I have hope and faith that I will be made ready in time, and I'll set down off the stand ready to hit the throttle into curacy, to warm up the tyres and get to grips with the upgrades, so that I can journey well in the rest of my life in ministry. I am in pieces but not in despair, and I am being held by the Spirit, the college, my friends and my family.</div>
Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-13731321094727057182019-02-03T17:30:00.000+00:002019-02-03T17:30:07.513+00:00Video: I went to a liberal evangelism conference<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Check out <a href="https://twitter.com/hashtag/LibEvangelism?src=hash" target="_blank">#LibEvangelism</a> to hear other people's experiences of the day, and lots of great quotes from the speakers.</div>
Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-679323626599433462018-11-07T17:46:00.000+00:002019-07-27T23:40:05.969+01:00Video: a month in Johannesburg 2018This is the final instalment of posts about my series of adventures over the summer. The first was a vlog of my <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2018/08/what-have-i-been-up-to-video-holy-land.html" target="_blank">pilgrimage to the Holy Land</a>, the second was a video about my time as a volunteer for a <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2018/10/what-else-have-i-been-up-to-video-month.html" target="_blank">month in Taiz</a><span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;"><a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2018/10/what-else-have-i-been-up-to-video-month.html" target="_blank">é</a> - and now, here's my vlog of my four week placement in South Africa.</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; font-family: inherit;">In real time, it's Reading Week of my first term in second year as an ordinand. I've settled back in and everything seems to be going quite well.</span><br />
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-26943495375956858012018-10-04T16:39:00.001+01:002019-07-27T23:39:55.611+01:00Video: a month in Taizé 2018<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">And so continues the series of posts about my adventures over the summer between my first and second years as an ordinand. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The first was about <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2018/08/what-have-i-been-up-to-video-holy-land.html" target="_blank">my trip to the Holy Land</a>, and now comes a slightly different style of video about my time as a 'permanent' volunteer in <a href="https://www.taize.fr/en_article6525.html" target="_blank">Taizé</a> for five weeks.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">The third and final instalment will be a vlog of my month in Johannesburg on placement with the cathedral. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">In real time (Oct 2018), I am now in induction week at the start of my second year. I landed in the UK Tuesday morning and was at college Wednesday afternoon, so no let up! </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif;">But it's all worth it. I go wherever God calls me to be, even if that does make my schedule a bit hectic!</span>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-7353536236040536622018-08-28T13:33:00.000+01:002019-07-27T23:39:43.045+01:00Video: Holy Land trip 2018Right, one year down, two to go! I will write or video an update about my third term and how I'm doing come the start of second year, but for now I will be uploading videos of the adventures I've been having over the summer!<br />
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Just to give you an idea, I was in the Holy Land for a week, then I went to Taize for five weeks. I spent a week in Scotland with friends, I was at Greenbelt (and talking on a panel of all things!) and soon I will be flying out to Johannesburg for a month long placement!</div>
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Hopefully that excuses my lack of updates. You can see I'm busy doing ordinand-y shenanigans. </div>
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So without further ado, the first video of my pilgrimage to the Holy Land!<br />
(It's a tad long, but trust me, stick around for the hilarious ordinand double-act sketch!!)</div>
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Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-67778201806797440672018-06-11T18:27:00.002+01:002018-06-11T18:27:56.235+01:00What is expected of me?Bear with me on this one - I need to tell an anecdote but it does get to a point eventually!<br />
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I had a weird day yesterday (Sunday 10th June 2018). I got up to go to the cathedral to acolyte and I already knew something was wrong. On Friday we had our summer party, and though I did not drink or stay up particularly late, I still had a long day (including taking two classes at placement) and an energetic party. Then on Saturday I got up at 4.45am to catch a train to Cambridge, where I spent a full day reflecting on my trip to Johannesburg in September before getting the return train to Durham, getting back, cooking/eating, and going to bed.<br />
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So I already knew Sunday, yesterday, was going to be a bit of a struggle. I was tired, but to start with I only had that odd ache that's not actually painful in my head and face, if you know what I mean. I arrived at the cathedral, and the others in the serving team came in one by one, and we ended up in a different configuration to the plan - I was altar server rather than acolyte, and I was to administer the chalice for the first time.<br />
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But my theatre background did me some credit, being able to roll with these punches. But I got a much bigger 'punch' when one of the team came in, sat down, and opened with "You are always so rude". Startled, I asked for clarification, and thus began a strange conversation that I did not really have the spoons for (if you don't know this phrase, see <a href="https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/blogs-ouch-22972767" target="_blank">this explanation</a>) but I got through anyway.<br />
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It was about my conduct towards this lady, namely not noticing her, such as not responding to her 'Good morning' to the group when she entered, and other times that she listed off when she had seen me at college or in town and I 'had ignored' her. Now, I had met her only once before as far as I could remember, so I tried to point this out - is it not a reasonable thing that I did not notice her when my brain doesn't know her face well enough to recognise it in contexts where it is unexpected? That didn't wash though.<br />
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She then tied it to ministry, checking if I was an ordinand at all. At this, I got super nervous. She was tapping into one of my self-doubts that I've have since I decided to become a stage manager, let alone a priest - I have always struggled with a) recognising people and b) being observant, which leads to situations like this where people think I'm 'an arrogant snob' ignoring them, or that I don't care to remember them. Particularly, people expect a priest to be the exact opposite, and this lady expressed real concern that I <b>wasn't the type of person who should be becoming a priest at all</b>.<br />
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I defended myself to a certain extent, reassured her that I would never have snubbed her on purpose and it had never been personal (I genuinely don't remember ever seeing her outside the cathedral! Make of that what you will), and thanked her for her feedback which I made sure she knew I appreciated. But I was mortified that I had upset her with my behaviour, intentional or not.<br />
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Reeling, I lined up with my candle in formation and by the time we sat down for the reading, I had a nasty headache. I tried to concentrate in the service but I was shaken, seriously disturbed, with all sorts of thoughts swirling like sand stirred on a river bed in my mind. But by communion, I was distracted from my <b>crisis of vocation</b> by increased pain - after the distribution I was almost panting and I realised this was the onset of a migraine, which I have experienced only 3 or 4 times previously.<br />
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We got up at the final blessing and I could not stop tears leaking as I gritted my teeth to finish the service. I made it up the aisle, and out into the vestry, and after some curt goodbyes, stumbled home, took some codeine and <b>buried</b> myself in bed, relived from the intolerable pain and falling heavily asleep. I woke hours later, and had a peaceful afternoon and evening.<br />
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But as I returned to bed at a more traditional time last night, I was beset with the doubts of the morning. I had resolved in my woozy state in the service that I surely needed to turn my life to be <b>less self-centred and more focussed on others</b>, but how can one become more observant, and better at recognising people? Is that something I have control over, something it is even possible for me to improve?<br />
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Being recommended for training gave me a boost of self-confidence, but really, being an ordinand hasn't allayed any of my doubts about my suitability. And I think this encounter shows the high level of expectation laity put on clergy (I actually wrote mine <a href="https://thewayishouldwalkin.blogspot.com/2015/11/what-does-lay-person-want-out-of-priest.html" target="_blank">here</a>) and the personal investment even a fleeting relationship leads to. Even of an ordinand, who from my perspective is still laity and a work-in-progress, the capacity to live to this higher standard is expected.<br />
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I don't dispute this, I suppose I just had not truly absorbed it, that I am basically already an echelon of clergy. That's weird to digest when I'm not getting ordained until 2020. How much do I give myself some slack and how much do I hold myself to account here?<br />
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This is part of a greater discussion about feedback and by whose authority, whose standard should I be held up against, and it's complicated. It's hard to find the balance of judgement of what to take onboard and what to hear with a pinch of salt. Where do I go from here? Do I reassure myself that I am doing the best I can or knuckle down to try and change my behaviour to fit in with this lady's expectations of clergy? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am called as I am with the gifts that I have to offer, with the understanding that discernment and training is a process of learning/gaining knowledge and skills, both of my innate gifts, and of others that aren't as natural that I need as a priest?<br />
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How much of priesthood is shared, and how much is unique I suppose is my question. Who gets to tell me <b>'a priest should be like this'</b> when I am discerning what kind of priest I will be, and if I am not meeting people's expectations as an ordinand, how much of a warning bell is that for my focus in improving myself for future ministry?<br />
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I am grateful for this feedback, for another perspective of my behaviour, and for a glimpse at one of the pressures clergy are under. But it has set me spinning. So all I can say at the moment is - God help me.Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-6812326888789857182018-06-01T19:00:00.000+01:002018-06-01T19:00:04.028+01:00Video: Self-care as an ordinand (Know Thyself)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Nosce te ipsum." - <i>Ancient proverb</i></span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="background-color: white; line-height: 20px; text-align: justify;"><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">"This above all: </span><b style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">to thine own self be true</b><span style="color: #222222; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: left;">, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - </span></span><span style="color: black; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><i>Hamlet Act 1, scene 3</i></span>Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-53586960782219514932018-05-07T14:02:00.000+01:002018-05-07T14:03:52.993+01:00Video: Oralsong! (aka Ordinand life update)<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-32652606405193204762018-02-08T11:30:00.000+00:002018-02-08T11:30:03.911+00:00LGBT ordinand<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;">A sermon by a bisexual ordinand</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"> in a school chapel, </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;">speaking on LGBT history month.*</span></div>
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*including my story, bisexual nuns, Peru, Frida Kahlo, and textiles.<br />
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Video has no visuals, just the audio, as I was at a school, so cannot show the footage that includes the children. My audio equipment failed, so the sound is just the inbuilt camera mic - I recommend putting on the <b><u>subtitles </u></b>(button bottom right of the video) to follow more easily.Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1785787047531877985.post-20590535499109637652018-01-08T13:36:00.000+00:002018-05-07T14:03:41.612+01:00Video: Taize Basel, European Meeting 2017<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />Georginahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/04249837718702941385noreply@blogger.com0