First term as an ordinand

My goodness look, she’s put up a text post, huzzah! I know, I know, I’ve been a bit lazy and just put up videos for a while.

But in the wake of my first term as an ordinand, I don’t think I can reflect coherently on how I am and how things are in a video. It’s been a packed 11 weeks, busier than I anticipated. I’ve needed to be easy on myself, and not get guilty about the things that I’ve felt I haven’t done well.

I didn’t know what to expect going in. I didn’t know how to organise myself with an academic degree – ‘doing some reading’, lecture notes, the library, ‘pre-reading’. Foreign territory, all of it. And since my last post about the retreat, we’ve had several deadlines for essays, which has been the real meat of the term, academically speaking. I was totally unprepared for that, and I’ve learnt a lot of lessons which will hopefully mean next term will be better.

Amongst that I’ve been struggling the sustain myself spiritually and socially, plus not been able to do exercise, and I even had to give up cooking in the last few weeks, and only eat in the dining hall. I ended up in a bit of a heap by the end. But I feel overall positive about the whole thing, which seems odd, but like I said, I’m being easy on myself. My first term of nine may not have been smooth but there were no disasters, nothing actually ‘went wrong’, and I’m still happy to be where I am.

I’m making friends, getting good marks back from the essays, getting on with my housemates, connecting with various clergy in the area. I’ve been on placement with a great chaplain and I’ve even given a sermon! I had visitors from the south a couple of weekends, there was a fantastic Christmas party to finish term and say goodbye to the deputy warden – trying to summarise the whole term is pretty tricky, but there are tons of positives.

But life has been very full. I have felt a little dragged along with it, getting on with things when I didn’t understand them 100%, didn’t have time to get to grips with them as fully as I would have liked, which for me is a stressful place to be in. I’ve not really acknowledged my underlying stress, and I should. I’m not ‘stressed out’ but I just have not felt grounded.

My tutor pointed out that one factor is not really having a lot of contact with my home ground kind of church – I’m spending most of my time at either much lower, at college, or higher, at my placement chapel; and I think she’s right that it’s had an impact. I was at St James’ on Sunday for the morning service and Nine Lessons and Carols, and there was a relief to be with people ‘like me’. Now I realise that this is partly an evolutionary hang up that we really must get over, but that doesn’t stop me feeling that way.

At least I have actually enjoyed building relationships with evangelicals and conservatives at college, even if it’s been an effort. And it’s not been as bad as it could have been, because said evangelicals have been very open; the way I put it is they may think I’m going to hell, but if they do they don’t seem to hold it against me.

Like I said, hopefully I’ll have more of a handle on my academic work next term, which means I can schedule in down time, exercise, socialising, and other stress release things. Plus some of this term’s stress sources should be a lot less stressful because I’m now more familiar with everything new, and I'll start seeing a spiritual director.

So, first term as an ordinand. Overall positive, lessons learned, hopeful in moving forward. God is with me.

PS How AWESOME that the new Bishop of London, my sponsoring bishop, is a woman!!

PPS watch out for my next adventure - I'm flying to Switzerland next week!

Video: Love the Lord with all your bits

Video: Named, Known, and Called 2017

Video: Being an ordinand - settling in

Video: I am an ordinand...WHAT?!

I would have uploaded this ASAP but our college house has not had working Wifi so I write to you now from a week into being here at Cranmer Hall, Durham.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm not really very relaxed about being an ordinand. It's still weird, and scary, and unbelievable, after such a long time getting here, actually being here doesn't feel like it should be happening. Surely there's another hoop to go through? Surely I'm not truly ready to claim the title 'ordinand'.

The implications of coming to train are vast and varied, and the thought that I am actually going to be a priest is only one. New city, new house, reduced money situation, being away from my friends, taking all the opportunities available to me, being a student again, living with other people again - it's been exhausting dealing with it all at once. I'm lucky that I've moved a lot over the last few years, so the move is less dramatic, but there's still an emotional wrench of moving from the south east to the north east, with a different rhythm to the city, learning to find my way around, not living on my own any more, not using public transport every day...oh, and the temperature. I am a delicate English rose, and working out how much clothing I need every day, investing in thermal underwear, and finding out where nearby sells electric blankets, all makes for a tad more stress.

I've already fallen down in my self-care. I failed to remember how I know I operate, that I need intimacy with God, with close friends, and with myself, to balance my mental health into a good state. Plus this week has involved a lot of meeting people, forgetting their names, and working out which ones will be more work to get on with than others, which is a drain even on an outgoing extrovert like yours truly. So I had a slightly emotional night last night, which I am in the process of remedying, so no harm done. But lesson learned, the hard way.

We've had introductory talks, a prayer day in the cathedral, a day of lectures from a world expert on Thomas Cranmer, a college freshers' fair (I signed onto the mailing lists of LGBT+ Soc, FemSoc, and the theatre society), many cups of tea in the common room, and matriculation when I was thrilled to have my first outing in a cassock and used my cloak to boot.

A lot of the induction this week has been like any other university - like the police officer telling us not to take drugs, and the fireman telling us not the cover our smoke alarms with clingfilm - just with more Christianity, and advice/info being spoken into our proto-clergy situation, like the dual nature of our focus, that our academia is merely half of our time here, and our spiritual lives take as much precedence. This of course echoes ministry, giving us good practice.

I will be honest, the academic side terrifies me. I was pretty good at school work, though not essays, and this is my first degree to do 'proper' essays, as opposed to the self-reflective ones from my previous degree. Doing reading, spending time in the library, it's all alien and I'm not confident in my own ability to do very well.

At least I'm on the way to making friends here. The house is finally settled, with only an ice cube tray to source  (for the gin and tonics you understand). I like the fact that I have an uphill 15 minute walk to college everyday, and morning prayer to do, evening worship to join as well. I've managed to arrange a space in my room for my prayer stool, so I can kneel in front of my small standing cross. I'm being good with my diet, taking heed of the warnings against 'the Cranmer stone'. I'm also damn pleased to have my comfy armchair in the living room!

Blimey. I am an ordinand. We'll see how this goes.

Video: 07/09/2017 Two years since start of exploration of vocation

This is a weird place to be. To have done so much and come so far, and still to be at the beginning of something - come October, it's somewhat of a clean slate for me. I haven't processed yet, for sure. I was in the St Martin's bubble, the London bubble, it was all happening to me and it's almost like I can step into my own journey now, I can do it rather than it happen to me.

I thought I could be more coherent in text but I'm struggling to write as much as I was struggling to talk in the video. I can't yet reflect on the last year, the way I did in my last anniversary post, because it hasn't settled in me yet, the momentum still has it suspended before it can land and sink in.

Sorry. What a terrible blog post. At least it reflects what I'm feeling - an unspecific jumble. I'm out of focus; hopefully I'll come into frame ready in October. And I'll take you with me.

Video and photos: Taize 2017

My BAP and the result

If you don’t follow me on Twitter (which you should, of course, so click here) then you won’t have heard the news. Before I had even had time to process the BAP enough to put together a blog post about it, I got the result – I’ve been recommended!!

To keep in chronological order, I’ll tell the full story of hearing the news after telling you about my BAP.

Now, for good reason, candidates are advised not to go into too much detail about exactly what we were asked etc so I wrote some notes as I went about how I was feeling.

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Thoughts from the BAP:

Monday 26th June 2017

12.30pm – D-Day

About to head to the station to catch my train. I've given myself a nice easy morning feeling relaxed and a little productive. I'll go over my notes from the last few days on the train. I should have built in enough contingency time if something goes wrong with the transport - otherwise I'll arrive with enough time to unpack and settle before we kick off.

I'm feeling like you do when you wake up at half 2 in the morning to go on holiday - that tension in the stomach that comes from excitement and nerves, even though you know what you're doing and it's all currently going to plan. I'm all jangly with adrenaline, my senses feel heightened, but I think I'm okay.

I've done all I can. I've followed the call and prepared myself for this week. I think I've got a good shot ie I think God has called me as I am and at this time, and I've just got to trust that my judgement on it is accurate. I trust that the outcome will be what it's supposed to.

Monday 26^th June 2017

4.30pm – start of the BAP

Arrived and settled into my room. I can’t believe I’m here, and I can’t believe this is it. I’ve been getting so many messages of support including some arriving to post to the retreat house! I have all the cards lined up on my desk, and I have lots of little messages from St James’ people that I will open throughout the next few days to keep me going.

It’s a lovely little room with a view out onto the garden. My fluttering heart seems out of place in the tranquility of it. But this is the quiet before the storm – I’m always calmer once the storm hits! I’m going to spend a few more minutes going over my notes and then head down.

8.30pm – end of BAP day 1

Only one assessed exercise so far; we’ve been getting to know each other a bit and had supper. I’m relaxed now, which is good. It’s exactly what I thought I would do – I’m a confident person so I’m lucky that it’s been fear of the unknown that's made me most nervous. And it’s just ordinary here. It’s people in a place, it’s rooms and corridors, tea and lanyards, garden, chapel – yes, it’s a holy time that we are spending prayerfully, but that doesn’t mean puritanical monastic discipline and everyone being all serious all the time. Which really helps. So I think so far I have managed the main goal – be myself.

Tuesday 27^th June 2017

5pm – part way through BAP day 2

Meant to write something before lunch but it’s all been quite tiring! It’s only sitting around talking and listening but it’s a lot of concentration. The guys running it are all very good at putting us our ease without losing the sense of being focussed on the task at hand.

Three more assessed tasks down. This morning of presentations was quite fun really, and this afternoon I had my first interview, which went better than I thought, thank you God. It was almost fun too. I felt more relaxed than I thought I would be, I didn’t blank like I thought I would, and I didn’t regret anything I said. I even had something to say at the end when he asked “would you like to add anything?” which I normally blank at as well!

Wednesday 28^th June 2017

9am – start of the last BAP day

My second interview yesterday evening went well too, so here’s hoping that my last one this morning will make a hat trick! A lot of us candidates spent an hour or so after compline having a few drinks in the lounge, which was nice. It’s always good for me to be able to socialise, and for us all to have some completely relaxed time, with people who aren’t judging us.

I can’t believe it’s almost over. This fulcrum point in my life has not felt as profound as it actually is – but then, I’m making the turn at the moment, but the new direction won’t be confirmed until the phone call from the bishop. So really I’m still in suspense even come the end of the BAP.

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Getting the news and how I’ve been since I heard:

I got back home the evening of Wednesday 28^th June, and a week later in the evening of Thursday 6^th July, I was sitting eating beans on toast waiting for Mock the Week to start on TV when an unrecognised number rang my phone. Yes, it was the bishop. When he told me that the assessors had recommended me and he was happy to accept, I made this funny high pitched noise, like a cross between a yelp and a squeal! He very kindly also said "They knew a good thing when they saw one" which made me blush.

And to be utterly honest, after the phone call ended, I turned the sound back on the TV as the opening credits of Mock the Week started and after a few quiet tears, I sat back and laughed at the jokes. I sit here now, several days later, and I’m still a little numb with shock, like my nerves have been fried, overloaded and overwhelmed.

Being a bit of a detailed planner, I had already written a list of people to tell immediately so when the programme ended, I methodically messaged them all, then went to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I prayed something incoherent, not able to muster the inner stillness to encounter God, but eventually did get to sleep.

Like a lot of the process, life has gone on around this massive life changing thing without the pause that's needed. I didn’t haven’t time to contemplate on Friday, I had things to do! I had a friend come over for lunch and we baked cakes. It wasPride in London on Saturday, so I had to do preparations, like bake cakes!

Timing went awry. She left about 5pm and I started making two placards (I’ll put Pride pictures at the end of this post). Then half 9 at night my mother called me to try and talk about that oh-yeah-i-forgot-I’m-going-to-be-a-priest thing, and I muffled (incoherently again) at her while I stuffed crisps and biscuits down my throat as ‘dinner’ and said goodbye to set up for the next task. I started painting my nails at 10.10pm, got to bed at 1am, got up at 6am.

Got to St Martin’s at 8.30am with face paint and temporary tattoos done, and set about writing out the liturgy I had figured out with the priest the day before into a service sheet, whilst refugees cooked in the kitchen. 10am, about 25 people gathered in the church for said service, prayers for Pride, and it was very moving.

Can you tell yet that I was fairly well distracted? Saturday was awesome, having lunch with the St Martin’s people and going to march with them in the parade, and the Pride Eucharist was beautiful at St James’. But I was so tired by then, even the mystery of the sacrament didn’t penetrate.

Then back to work Sunday, including pelting across Westminster after leading the children’s club at St Martin’s to arrive in time to give a notice at the end of St James’ service to share my good news. And then getting home exhausted, barely catching my breath, before going on a nostalgia trip of what might have been, going to watch a show that, had I not left theatre, I would have been working on.

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I still feel numb. I need time, and rest, and space, to soften, to settle into the reality of what my life will now be, what has finally been decided. I can say that I was aware of the tension I hadn’t realised was there lifting after that phonecall. I realised my body had relaxed, after a week of subconscious anxiety, waiting for the news.

I'll go see the DDO to look at the report later this week, and see the rector at St James' for a bit of a debrief. And then more paperwork and plans for Durham! Aaiii.

I reckon it’ll hit me in a few weeks, when I’ve got time off work to go to Taize. I’ll let you know. But oh my God you guys, I got through…

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(Pride pics as promised)

Getting crafty making placards

Baking cakes, because we queers need a lot of sugar!

All the colours! Pride is only reason
I own orange nail polish

Not as good as last year,
but gets the point across

Going for a subtle look....

TERRIBLE PUN YEAH

St James' AWESOME altar cloth

St Martin's Rainbow flag on Trafalgar Square

Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: Open Days at Theological Training Institutes

Video: sacrifices for my calling

Towards Ordained Ministry: Session Six

This post details my experience of Session Six of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one, two, four and five to find out what the TOM course is.

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Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

It was our final session, and although this was a great course, I was looking forward to having my Monday nights back! The odd thing about this last session was it was run by none other than Bishop Pete Broadbent! So having met the man for an all important interview the previous Wednesday, there he is again at the front of the lecture room. A bizarre amount of times to see a bishop in the space of a week, especially in the wake of my rector Lucy also doing a session! I half expected my DDO to walk through the door, to complete the set of priests involved in my discernment.

Pete was talking about mission. He said it was appropriate for a bishop, as "leading the church in mission" is one of the things for which we have bishops.

He started by describing the sort of context that we're working in for mission, which is one of non-traditional sacredness, "believing without belonging"; and also of course "more pluralist" within a diversity of faiths, especially in London. Our inheritance as future priests in the church is a trajectory of secular pluralism. At the local level, the common good can benefit from contributions from all faiths, but how it will go in the UK as a whole, what the future of the pluralism will look like, we can't know.

The rest of the session was based on Capital Vision 2020, which is the London Diocese's mission statement/strategy/idea/movement/premise...thing which is trying to innovate, create and support mission in the diocese but without reinventing the wheel so to speak.

A lot of my notes you can get from just browsing through the material available online about CV2020 itself, so here are few choice thoughts from +Pete as he went through.

• He quipped that church planting was "not just HTB clones!"
• He posed the question "are we a post-Christian society?" 
• 'Growth' is not just numbers but the growth of individuals' discipleship, and community impact
• The parochial system is odd but it still works; different in London of course
• 'Church' = "baptism, Bible, Eucharist, prayer, fellowship" but community might not be called to be 'church'
• London isn't very good at ecumenism
• CofE isn't very good at lay ministries such as evangelism, healing and teaching
• "The DNA of believing that God is going to make thing happen is crucial"
• He posed the question "is 'mega-church' good for us and is it working?"

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

Towards Ordained Ministry: Session Five

This post details my experience of Session Five of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one, two and four to find out what the TOM course is.

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Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

The person who was supposed to take this session phoned the organiser an hour beforehand to say they were ill and wouldn't make it; so Neil himself had to do it. Revd Neil Evans is the Director of Ministry for the London Diocese, and it was encouraging that 20 years of ministry stood him in good stead to cover the entire topic of spirituality in ministry with only an hour's notice!

He started with the classic reassurance that we all struggle and wrestle with prayer, and there is no such thing as a expert in prayer, followed by the hackneyed but true "pray as you can, not as you can't".

A bit of background on him and his experience of prayer started with his training at Mirfield, where he learnt monastic prayer, which is regular, communal and supportive. Once he left the community, he had to find a new way to pray, and he explained three ways he has found useful.







One is apostolic, or 'on the go', which is living in a prayerful way, going out in the world but always being firmly based in an underlying spirituality.



The second is the daily office which is tool that you can hold onto, and he has found it has rooted him; morning prayer is a great place to start the day and go out from; and not being able to choose favourite chunks of scripture is good, being given them means you engage more thoroughly.




And the third is an annual retreat, always finding space for it every year.


He asked us to discuss with our neighbours "What does prayer mean to you?" and the answers that were fed back included
- liturgical vs charismatic prayer has a difference for each of us
- the acronym PACTS is useful - Pause, Adore, Confess, Thank, Supplicate
- there are examples to follow in the Bible
- working in a church really cements the difference of private vs corporate
- pastoral, with people in the moment
- discipline as there is no substitute
- bring everything to God including the mess
- we don't have to pretend and yet we are still loved
- there is space for spiritual gifts as different expressions of awe
- not just speaking to God as Father but also approach as Creator
- counter to common perception, it is not just asking but more being in the presence

There are very different ways to pray but one can't disagree with somebody's else's way - it's not wrong. just not right for me. Church buildings soak up prayer and cathedrals are saturated with it, but the key to any type is 'is God being honoured'? The "gift of the CofE" is that that can be done in many traditions! If God is worshipped, disagreeing with a tradition is meaningless.

So what works for somebody comes from who they are; the sort of person I am invites me to pray in a certain way. All personality preferences are valid (though you can take it too far) as God will not desert us where ever we are. We are entering into the presence of God, putting ourselves in the way of God, by and for finding ourselves in that presence.

There are dangers in praying, pitfalls we can easily fall into, such as telling God what to do, avoiding getting things done ourselves, and also in such environments like prayer groups, falling into gossiping. There's also a lot of complexity around prayers for healing, and Neil only touched briefly on the subject, basically saying that miracles do happen but there are no simple answers and ultimately it boils down to "Thy will be done".

He moved on to 'ministerial development review' and the question of how one went about judging a priest's prayer life, but basically, in an intangible way, people do just 'know' if their priest is praying. More tangible measurements are questions like 'who supports you in your prayer life?' which he posed to us and some answers that came back included:
- spiritual director
- having a day off
- I said my agnostic/atheist boyfriend and a woman across the room empathised that her similar husband had also helped her
- tools eg emails, apps - structure
- other broken people you can't fix
- room mates who are also 'bad at prayer', collectively providing accountability
- church prayer ministry team
- being around someone who is themselves disciplined, by example or 'osmosis' as it were
- social media - both friends and strangers

We finished with as form of praying scripture (Mark 9.2-29) which wasn't really for me but I did get an interesting moment or two out of it.

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

The last one will be:

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Video: Going to see the bishop

For those who are astute, you'll notice that this meeting and video took place on Ash Wednesday and I am posting this quite a way into Lent. Apologies for that; I'll lay no excuses.

But it does mean I can tell you the good news that I have a BAP date! I'm all set to go in June, so these last few weeks have setting off on the epic adventure of the paperwork involved, which I might cover in a later post. I'm also arranging to go see colleges, so it's feeling really  real!

So watching this video several weeks later in the knowledge of the certainty of my BAP, here are the points I want to remind myself of:

• Remember that BAP examiners are real people rather than the 2D constructs in my head
• I should probably practice one-on-ones a bit more
• Make sure I prep reading my paperwork beforehand
• Reacquaint myself with 'what a priest is'
• Work on my answer to 'where are you ecclesiastically'

I'll hopefully be catching up with a few more posts soon.

Video: Thirteenth visit to the rector

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session Four

(Yes, I missed the third one!)

This post details my experience of Session Four of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one and two to find out what the TOM course is.

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Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

This was a slightly odd session for me because it was taken by Revd. Lucy Winkett, who is my sponsoring priest. She was talking about ministry, what it is, how she goes about it, what is expected of us and what is important. I was reflecting on the bus home that it was like reading an essay breaking down a piece of music and explaining all the component parts, but I recognised it, I knew what it sounded like because I had seen it played out for years.

I was also once again bowled over by my luck that I know her and have been able to learn from her, let alone work closely with her on my discernment journey. People were queuing up to talk to her at the end and I was completely unsurprised. 

She introduced herself and explained that she would "do theology the way I know how to do theology" which is in a relational way, so she had stories and props. a bit about herself include the struggle of training for ministry at a time when women couldn't be priests, making the point that even if things look impossible, "you just have to start". "Discerning my vocation has never stopped" as it's a life long task and we "never stop learning".

The phrase "exercising" ministry was rejected. The important starting point is that our greatest calling, our deepest calling is to be a human being made in the image of God - "to be you as God made you" and "relate to other people as Jesus did". The Holy Spirit "is a dynamic and live Spirit" which sometimes the institution can confine; the balance needs to be struck between necessary competency and freedom of that fundamental calling.

Lucy's didn't quite look like this
 but you get the idea

Her first prop made me smile when she took it out of the bag. It was a scallop shell; specifically The scallop shell on a string that she wore during her cycled pilgrimage down the Camino de Santiago, which is the Way of St James, and a symbol of that saint, so very much an image within the life of St James' Piccadilly, my and Lucy's church. She gave this backstory and made the connection that pilgrimage is to "make a faithful journey with a purpose" is also a description of life.

The shell reminded her  that she doesn't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so she can't lose her sense of adventure. There's a danger that it can lost in the church's repetition, which leads to the disillusion quest for control.


Second out of the bag came a stole, a red one she was given in Jerusalem. She covered its practical symbolism, that of the towel Jesus wrapped around himself to wash the disciples feet, putting it on in the fashion of a deacon - "look a bit like Miss World" -  and then as the 'yoke' of a priest, 'my yoke is easy, and my burden is light' - of the life of a priest, "deep, deep down it's a life you're asked to love". Following your calling can be hard but God works like satnav, so even you divert off-course, the path is just recalculated so you still end up where God wants you to be. Lucy reassured of this gentle "movement of the Spirit."


The third prop was a Bible. This must infuse our lives, but it gets"tribalised" and that must be resisted. Ministers must know, read, love, and be instructed by scripture. "Encounter it every day" and it will make you counter-cultural, making sure the encounter is a conversation, even if it's an interrogation, where you wrestle with it like Jacob and the angel [at this point she grabbed hold of the pages in demonstration, gripping them in her fists, which was quite effective for being so startling]. And the encounter should be with your head, your heart, and your feet, getting out and being with people to meet Jesus.



Next was the topic of Holy Communion, combining the Bible and the stole in the importance of being rooted and grounded in Word and Sacrament; that's what it means to be a priest in the CofE. It's the one true thing that defines and separates a priest, being the only one who presides at the Eucharist. Being called to be a priest is to be called to stand at a crossroads, at the boundary "between time and eternity" as well as going to the edge, to the margins.

Mary Poppins-like, the props bag produced another item, this time a tennis ball, which Lucy proceeded to chuck back and forth amongst the bemused candidates. Don't forget to play was her point. "I realised that 'church fun' isn't actual fun" was met with much hilarity. Do things that you enjoy, and when you're in a position of leadership, bring those ideas to planning church events, get 'actual fun' into church life. One of Lucy's common sayings is "warm white wine and Twiglet just don't do it for me".

In a more serious vein, we are called to emulate what Paul calls kinosis, the emptying of God. But if we are to give ourselves away, play "insures there is a self to empty". Jesus was emptied on the cross but was also resurrected, so we're not called to be completely laid waste. And your misery as a minister could cause havoc. "As a basic, you do have to like people," she said, which means you need to know yourself and how you connect best and find that balance. Extroverts [like me] need to learn to not always be with people all the time. It's not necessarily a goal of 'emotional harmony' in a community; to build an apostolic church is to have a outward-looking community of combined celebration and forgiveness.

Our last prop was an air raid helmet. The obvious is true, that priests need a bit of a thick skin, but beyond that "I think priests should get into trouble...good trouble." Conflict isn't inherently bad; the creative possibility it creates should be moved towards rather than avoided. There's a strand of ministry to be prophetic ie see what others overlook, and developing a "theology of your own mistakes" can help build that creative environment where all "feel equal enough to disagree".

Moving away from the visuals, Lucy reclaimed a maligned Biblical character as a model for priesthood - Martha. She's known for being practical, and being a priest is a practical job - you've got to roll your sleeves up sometimes. And after Lazarus died, she was proactive, confronting Jesus and showing an example we should follow in prayer, in being honest when speaking to God. That speaking up, that "naming what is stinking", that harks back to the prophetic, passion for justice, and getting into trouble for it. And she also "names the truth", contemplative in a way Peter isn't (Peter ends up having a row with Jesus).
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So cleverly, I have made notes from the Q&A but did not write down the questions, some of which I cannot remember. For the first question I wrote down "miraculous God - the reality is so far away, obviously fear but need to trust, then can accept that."

Next I wrote the Yiddish saying "Man plans. God laughs" which I rather like and resonates with my own story.

I do remember that the next question was something like 'which is more important, Scripture or Sacrament?' and I wrote "in the end, scripture and eucharist are inseparable - cannot dispense with either - confidence vs rigidity" that last bit referring to the argument in the church over the relative importances, and you should have confidence in your own spirituality and tradition without being rigid about it."priests - narrators, "keep saying what you believe and try and live it."

Then came a question about boundaries. Priests should be "seen to be open and fair" - boundaries are important but difficult. There is a restlessnesss in relationships with congregation members that you don't have with friends, and that comes from your responsibility as a leader/
Sidenote about friends from before your ordination - keep hold of them! You will end up reworking them but you need them, even if they say things like "don't you put your vicar face on!"

This segued into a conversation about being visibly a priest in public, such as "people love watching what vicars buy" and her anecdote about being mistaken for a strippergram. She brought it round to the serious point that you don't actually have to be this glorified and unrealistic ideal people expect of you being 'holy'. Jesus is a visceral example of not being 'holy' in the expected way. Don't worry about what people think.

The last question was a candidates fear about his lack of musical ability. Lucy connected this with the previous question, opening it up to encourage everyone to have an opportunity to not be good at something, as omnipotent priests discourage volunteers!

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

Future sessions will be:

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Video: Shadowing a priest in Scotland

That's a little snapshot of my week. I had such a good time. I've known the family for years, so it was good to be with friends and make new ones, and get away from work of course, but I also learnt a lot. I asked Alasdair if I could shadow him because staying with him and his family on previous occasions, I saw peripherally how his life as a priest was so different to the priests I know in central London.

The incident that set the idea in my mind was on his day off, answering the door in his pajamas and having to put on his wellies to go open up the church hall because whoever was supposed to hadn't! The vicar at the church where I work certainly wouldn't have cause to do that. It's good for me to see with my own eyes a situation I haven't really come across, namely a priest who is a radial point, the only full time person who ultimately looks after the church.

Also, his tradition is pretty Anglo-Catholic, and though my churches down in London are high enough to have robed servers and processions, Alasdair's Scottish Episcopal church is almost as far away from what I'm used to as the worship I experienced at the other end of the candle at Momentum or on Pentecost last summer, though not as high as my weekend with the Society of Catholic Priests. It's an important part of being in the Anglican Communion to understand the diversity of traditions held within it, and crucially it is in experiencing all these types of worship for myself that I am able to comprehend on a spiritual level that whilst my tastes and needs in liturgy and worship are different, God is in all of it.

So in doing thee's and thou's morning and evening prayer next door everyday, Mass both east facing and west facing (sometimes just the two of us), serving in cassock and cotta - I got my hands dirty in a way I didn't on the Catholic weekend away, plus Alasdair was very happy to answer my questions. Being with a priest who is not 'my' priest or just 'a' priest, but rather a friend, was a very useful space because (and this is also a mark of Alasdair's patience) I was able to push him to answer my questions further and defend anything I didn't understand or maybe didn't agree with, and also push back and challenge me.

That personal connection and staying with him and his family in the rectory was also able to give me insight into a priest as a whole, 'normal' person, that they talk about at vocation events, but is hard to actually understand in reality, to imagine a priest complexly, as the saying goes. At the same time, when off duty and in civvies, whilst not being the rector, even I as a friend and temporary member of his household could not shake an awareness of him being A Priest. That issue of perception is also often talked about at vocation events.

One thing I learnt about myself was I clarified why I don't like doing certain acts of kneeling in worship. I don't like kneeling to receive communion, and when I served on the Sunday in Scotland I had to genuflect, and boy, I did not like that either. It was as if, as my knee hit the marble, God winced. That kind of abasement is not part of our relationship. That's not to say I don't have a great reference for the Lord of the Universe, but you can have deep respect and show complete obedience without prostrating yourself. Sure, that's how some people show it, but I don't!

I'm also still processing something I 'learnt' in a way, but it's hard to articulate. It's something about being rooted in a place and how I don't feel called to that, at least not right away. I'm reminded of a sermon I heard about Psalm 84, and Hebrews 11 "They confessed that they were strangers and foreigners on the earth, for people who speak in this way make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of the land that they had left behind, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one." I've written before how I don't feel like I have a 'home', but not in a bad way, because I look to making a home in God, and in a more tangible way, making a home where I find God in other people. I don't know, it just doesn't feel like that rootedness is part of my path ahead of me, til the distant future...

Anyway, I got away from my liberal urban bubble and also got to know some of the laity. They were all lovely and when I tagged along for home visits, everyone welcomed me in very gracefully. Sure I heard gossip and politics, but you get that everywhere there are people, and there was no maliciousness amongst the people I met. Talking to the theologian/CofS minister was also interesting to get away from Anglicanism and hear another story of vocation.

But against all that it was just a church serving God and creation. It is reassuring to feel the same undercurrent where ever two or three are gathered in Jesus' name, and to learn from people who are dedicated to God. As I said in the video, where ever I go, "it's still church".

Video: Gabriel Three and Leicester

Check out this post to see what Gabriel Collective is.

Gabriel Three vlog: London 10th December - Christmas

Gabriel Leicester vlog: Leicester 4th February - Love