Exploring my doubts

Doubt is not something I want to put words to. Admitting that I have doubts about my calling is quite painful. But doubt is an important part of faith. I don't think a lot of people really realise that. I know for example I've had an argument with my boyfriend about the nature of faith - he thought is was something you feel and not based on evidence. I countered that he was describing blind faith, and I did not recognise his definition as the faith I have.

Faith is not always blind

Blind faith is 100% convinced, but true faith has real conviction because it constantly doubts. Why have faith in something if you haven't reason to? I have doubted pretty much every part of my faith, including the big ones like do I believe in God. I like going back to the very Jewish idea, which I think Anglicanism embraces very well, of arguing. Arguing with your faith, interrogating your scripture, contemplating other possibilities. Moses (Exodus 4) immediately springs to mind as someone who directly shouted at God, questioned God (Exodus 3), and in the New Testment, the Apostle Peter wavered in faith (Matt 14); even Jesus had moments, eg. at the Mount of Olives (Luke 22), and I considered not even mentioning Doubting Thomas as the obvious choice.

These doubters were all true role models of faith. And so I feel stronger for being able to follow their example, and speak out about my doubts, to face them head on, in the never-ending struggle and journey of faith.

***

I have worried that I am deluded. Most of the time it makes so much sense to think that I am 'destined' to be a priest, then I scold myself for being so arrogant, then I worry that not feeling special is a sign that it's not a true calling, but surely modesty is better than self-grandeur...

It gets a little cyclical, and I end up feeling lost and guilty. Okay, so confront it, what if I am deluded? (Forgetting the possibility of being deluded that there is a God, and concentrating on the possibility of being deluded that I feel a calling from God). I have been getting more and more religious, so is thinking there's a calling just part of my very thorough way of doing things and being a priest seems the obvious way of 'doing religion thoroughly', and that's the real reason I'm doing it? Does it feel right because it feels like the way to do that part of my life 'properly'?

Okay, I might have a calling, but what if I'm called to something else? Being ordained and being a full time priest is just one of many callings for Christians. I might be copping out of the hard reality of juggling Christianity and other parts of my life. Many people, most Christians in fact, live out their faith whilst in full time secular employment, why do I feel I have to put my Christianity as not just my religion but my job, and not just that but a community role, a life vocation?

Surely I'm not the right person to represent the Church and lead an example of Christ-like living. I've never been naturally a 'people person', and a lot of people find me too loud, boisterous, direct and intense. I have very liberal attitudes to things like sex and relationships that many in the Church would probably object to, even though I go about my love life with as much care to Love God as much as Love Neighbour as any other part of my life. But part of me worries that I'm just wrong. I think I'm doing good not evil, that I'm living conscientiously, trying to not sin, but what if I'm wrong? I swear, take Christ's name in vain, get drunk, shout at my family, buy nice things, don't give change to beggars. There are people in the world who genuinely think I'm a bad person; there's at least one I can think of who probably actually hates me. That doesn't sound like a priest.

No one seems as enthusiastic about it as me. Is their support just politeness? There's a lot in the literature about other people affirming your calling - nope. One crazy stranger, that's all I've had. Not my priest, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, no one has positively said they think it's a good idea. I'm not trying to criticise them - if that's how they feel, I certainly want them to be honest. So if they are, if I'm in the minority of one that thinks I could be a priest, how likely is it that I'm the one that's right?

I have no issues with my human sexuality

Let's look at the Criteria again (see also previous post) and what I can't do or haven't got.

• Others have not confirmed my inner conviction.
• I have barely any spirituality; I generally never sit in prayer to God apart from reading other people's words. Nor have I done any Bible study. I don't see how the world and others have been affected my practice of prayer, and frankly I have serious issues with the notion of 'the power of prayer'. I've never understood how spiritual practice 'sustains and energises'.
• I've struggled with maintaining appropriateness in professional relationships - I'm a flirt, blunt, emotional. I'm an out bisexual - whoops, Issues of Human Sexuality.
• People don't follow me, my leadership skills leave a lot to be desired. How can I offer an example of faith when I feel culturally compelled to not mention God so as not to make atheists uncomfortable?
• I feel anger and fear about mission, a distinct mistrust and aversion to evangelising.

***

So what do I doubt about my calling? I doubt that I'm called at all, I doubt that I'm called specifically to be ordained, I doubt that I'm the right type of person to be ordained, I doubt that I'm right to disagree with my support network, I doubt that I can fit the criteria for being ordained.

And it is terrifying. I hate having doubts. I have so much conviction, assurance and excitement about my calling, it knocks at my core to express doubt. I've used this metaphor before: I have a bedrock of trust in God, on which are pillars of faith, holding up the foundations of my soul, on which the building of my heart sits, in the infusing cloud of my brain. Doubt is lightning spearing from that cloud, and rocking the whole structure. My emotions get knocked about and chaotic, my soul ripples and sends shockwaves through my faith, and my trust is holding firm but not unwobbled.

***

If you want to read the positive side of this argument with myself, read the post Reasons I think I'd make a good priest/want to be priest.

A few books from Church House

After I made this video, I went back to my friend to give her her keys, and I popped into the Church House bookshop because it was nearby. I should not be allowed in bookshops, it's just as dangerous as browsing the Kindle store; my poor bank account suffers terribly. (Previous books I've been reading in response to my calling are listed at the bottom of this post*, and discussed in this post).

Having some hard copy books as well as ebooks is useful to me at the moment, as I'm taking

December off from working in stage management, which means I won't be regularly commuting, the time I usually use to read and therefore suited to a Kindle; reading at home I feel is more suited to a paper and ink copy. I'll try to remember to post every time I get a new book. It will be useful simply for me to keep track!

I bought 4 books at Church House. Two classics that are often on vocation reading lists, and two more specific books. The two classics are Being A Priest Today, and Called or Collared?. The latter has prompted me to draft a new post about my doubts of my calling, which should be up soon.

The first specific book is Military Chaplaincy in Contention, because I've got an interest in chaplaincy, but I'm more interested in military/prison work, rather than hospitals or universities (though an airport sounds quite interesting too, and of course theatre chaplaincy would suit me perfectly, as a professional stage manager). So I'm hoping to get an insight into what military chaplaincy is, because I am woefully ignorant at the moment.

The second is I Think It's God Calling. I liked the look of this because it's a personal account of discernment, going to theological college, and being ordained a deacon, and it started out as a blog. It was nice to read a modern and young experience, though there was more detail about life at theological college than the discernment process.



*Previous books I've read as part of exploring my vocation
The Little Book of Prayers
Religion for Atheists
Hearing the Call: Stories of Young Vocation
What Anglicans Believe
Jesus and Peter: Growing in Friendship with God

Video: Thoughts after Westminster Abbey

Reaction video - how did the service at Westminster Abbey make me think about my calling?

An interest in chaplaincy

Over the last couple of years, as my calling has come in stages to the forefront of my mind, the specifics of what that will mean in my life have gained sharper focus. It's all very well that I 'feel a calling to ordained ministry', but what does that look like?

My rector asked me this in our last meeting. Something like "If you could stop working, give up stage management and 'concentrate on this' [she was quoting me complaining about having to go through the discernment process and still keep working in a career I was planning on leaving] what would that be? What would you be doing?"

Initially, I wanted to respond, 'well that's why I'm here, sitting in your office, I don't know what to do with this nagging in the back of my head, help me woman, YOU tell ME!' But I quickly  realised the point of her question was that I do need to start working on the specifics, I need to actually think about this process as real life.

We can't all have a spinning arrow like Pocahontas

It's very easy to imagine a whole new life and pretend to set goals, but actually be creating a fantasy, writing the story you want rather than living the story you have. That way lies failure.

The discernment process is not some fairy tale spell to gain insight and magically get pointed in the right direction. I'm looking at a process that will be measured in months and years. So I need to get over the delusion that it's going to be handed to me on a plate and actually get my hands dirty.

What do I see when I think about myself as an ordained priest? The first thought is the most obvious - that of myself in a chasuble at the front of a church behind a lectern. Sure, the thought of preaching to a familiar congregation and performing the sacraments of baptism and Eucharist (Holy Communion) are nice, but with the aid of second thoughts, the responsibilities of a parish priest don't look like they suit me all that well.

Last year at Greenbelt, I was browsing the books tent and a small book called 'Being A Chaplain' popped out at me. I bought it, and read about chaplaincy in hospitals, universities, airports, football clubs, the military, and prisons, and the idea of chaplaincy really appeals.

I'm good at focus, rather than the big picture thinking of a whole parish; I'm good at creating both fleeting relationships with strangers and supportive relationships long term; I've been told I'm a good listener, I enjoying listening to people; one of the reasons I want to be a priest is to help people - I love in stage management being a resource that crew and cast can come to for anything, and being good at providing or facilitating what they need - a stage manager's agenda is not their own; it really feeds into what I was saying about stories in this post; and as a liberal inclusivist, it would be a joy to minister to people of all faiths and none.

I can't imagine lay chaplaincy. What do I see what I think about myself as a chaplain? A dog collar. I think chaplaincy will be part of my life in ordained ministry, but not the entirety,