These questions came out of the vocations day I attended a few weeks ago, and I'm finally getting around to trying to answer them.
Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?
Ultimately yes, but emotionally it would be very challenging to process that I had misinterpreted what I feel as a calling to ordained ministry. Intellectually, I trust God and want to do God's will, so the path via which I'm meant to do that will be the right one. I know that, but it was take a long time to accept if the path is not the one I thought it was, a time of confusion, self-reflection, and a sort of grief I think. I'm looking forward to being ordained, so it was would be sad not to be; but I would hope that with the revelation that I am not called to ordination would come a joint revelation of what I am actually called to, as God has always worked in my life in the form of opportunities at the right moment.
What is my leadership style?
Embryonic. I'm still very much working on my leadership skills. The confidence to lead I have naturally, but the finesse of a style eludes me. What I do in leadership roles is geared around enthusiasm, attention to clarity and detail, and thoroughness. I can be quite good at anticipating issues and planning accordingly. I'm better at planning and executing a plan than I am at thinking on my feet. I know from feedback that I need to work on my personnel interactions as I can lack subtlety and diplomacy sometimes - I find it hard to 'play the game'.
What is my heart's desire?
Making the most of life
Expressing and facilitating love
To be good and right, to understand
To support passions, and facilitate understanding
To help inspire God's people to worship and to love
What are my motivations?
Morality. Love. Thorough understanding.
How has God used me already?
I suppose in the usual ways as an example for people to see a Christian try and live a good life and not use their religion as a weapon, or a defence, or blackmail, or an alibi; I provide conversation, companionship, advice, comfort etc in some people's lives; I am helping a church community that does great social justice, support, and a sensible evangelism.
What is the way God calls me?
OPPORTUNITY. I am shown the right step at the right time, it all fits into place and only looking back do I see the pattern. Since I realised I believed in Christ and wanted to follow him, I'm always had a sense that it was important, and that included a vague instinct that I would go into the church some day. That instinct grew into a certainty, then a background niggle, and at the right time it sprang to the forefront of my mind as a necessity. Over the years, the priority of my faith has grown stronger but never too strong within the context of my life within each stage.
What is the Gospel to me?
A story with a nuanced and deep message of love, forgiveness, a harmony of inner and outer truth, and a call to enter into relationship with God at the heart of the universe. It is the starting point from which we can branch out in all humanity's glorious diversity in understanding the world, and a form of truth (ie a story) which unites us in the core truths we all share.
How do I know when it is God talking?
After the fact by seeing the consequences of following a course of action.
What is the church here for?
To be a space for humanity to concentrate on the spiritual, but also the place where they experience God to centre the rest of their life around God. That includes discussion, debate, worship and ritual, song and dance, and creating a community that takes common goals and together go out in the world and achieve them. The church should be a reminder to return to the priorities of love, kindness, and interdependence. The church facilitates the development of relationships with God, with tools, encouragement, and wisdom.
On March 11th 2016 I had my long awaited chat with a military chaplain. Early as it is in my process, I have a leaning towards chaplaincy; I have been looking at the various options, and out of the big ones (hospital, prison, university, military) for an unknown reason military has pinged on my radar.
I expressed this to my rector back in the mists of time (November) when we had a few meetings about my calling, and she happened to be working on a study guide to a memoir written by a priest who she had met at a conference, who was a military chaplain. So she e-introduced me to her, and I set up a meeting. This was back in January, and we met in March because she lives way out West and only comes to London occasionally.
It was a really nice conversation over a cup of tea. I told her my story of faith and calling (see the first handful of posts on this blog) and she told me about her calling, and then about chaplaincy. A lot of what she said sounded great and really like something I could do and enjoy, and she affirmed a lot of what I said in return.
She was encouraging and said I could email her any time, and she told me a lot about military chaplaincy that I didn't know. I'm trying to keep an open mind and really look at chaplaincy as a whole at this early stage, but nothing she said really put me off. Luckily I probably have at least nine years until I have to start contemplating chaplaincy and job prospects more seriously.
-
-
As weird, embarrassing, and scary as telling people about my calling is (especially clergy) it is by far one of the most productive exercises that helps me understand myself better, gain new insights, and use their feedback and perspective in my own understanding of what God is asking me to do, and how to go about it. It also makes it a lot more personal, less abstract, and is very encouraging, I suppose because it becomes that little bit more tangible, more realistic. It is also always a great relief when no one laughs and tells me the thought of me as a priest is ridiculous.
It's most exciting (and least embarrassing) when the specific purpose of the discussion is specifically for me and my calling. It's hard not to feel egotistical when talking about it in more casual, social conversation. I've stopped talking about it with some people in my life, just because I feel bad for going on about it.
That's one of the many reasons I'm looking forward to being referred to a member of the diocese vocations team; their role is to help me, so I won't feel bad about focusing on my calling when talking to them. I also got another reminder today that I should really get a spiritual director - it's on my to do list, and if I remember, I plan to ask for recommendations from the ADO or whoever I talk to.
Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.
Entrance hall
The programme looked like this:
10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart
"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones' to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:
Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain
The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:
Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality
Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling
Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ
Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).
Window in the main conference room
"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.
After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:
hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
non-negotiable icons of Christ
burden of non-stop priesthood
learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
Both in the world and in God's world
Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
Live from within my heart
Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.
Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.
Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.
Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!
Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.
I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates
-
-
On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!
Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.
I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.
