Video: LifeCall - a CPAS day conference on Young Vocations

NOTES FROM THE DAY

• It is fundamental to call others to God.
• All disciples are called to serve God; secondary calling is what I'm called to in particular. And my calling is not 'ordained ministry', it's more specific than that
• college as an ordinand - formation and academia. Discern with fellow ordinands
• show potential for growth and development
• encourage others and nurture their gifts
• the ministry of an ordained priest is to focus, enable, equip and release others
• "Being at home in God"
• setting boundaries that are unnatural to an extrovert
• the complexity of the CofE is in its diverse experiences
• one foot in the world is important
• Sacrifices of the ordained - strained/unsure/complicated boundaries, not being able to switch off, loneliness, others' perception, not being able to put down roots
• the theological understanding 'ordination' is debated and contested. It's a moment of consecration, that can be viewed on a wide spectrum from sacramental to just authorisation for a function. It is at a base level an affirmation by the church
• there could be opportunity to do work experience in a chaplaincy
• military chaplaincy is a niche calling and so should be explored
• my deeper understanding of myself can summed in
• morality
• supporting passions
• understanding and providing tools to help others understand

TO DO

• ask others what my spiritual gifts are

Art at Christ the King, Kettering.
"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6

QUESTIONS FOR ME TO ANSWER (in another blog post)

• Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?
• What is my leadership style?
• What is my heart's desire?
• What are my motivations?
• How has God used me already?
• What is the way God calls me?
• OPPORTUNITY right step at right time, with a feeling to back it up
• What is the Gospel to me?
• How do I know when it is God talking?
• What is the church here for?

Emma from CPAS, me, and Jenny the Cranmer ordinand. Great gals!

Why I don't think I'm called to be a Lay Reader

Won't be in my wardrobe

The discernment process is not a series of tests and interviews for me to convince the church that I should be a priest, or at least it should not be seen as such. It is not just the hoops I have to go though to attain a dog collar as the end goal. No, the goal is the discernment what I am being called to. The doctrine is that everyone has a vocation, all Christians have a calling (see 1 Corinthians 12), so when someone like me gets the urge to consciously put the effort in the reorientate my life to follow God's will for me, it is key not to just assume that ordination and the priesthood is part of God's plan.

A question amongst the many in this process is "If not ordained ministry, then what?" and it's a question I am rather terrified at looking at. Obviously there's the angle that if I even dare contemplate living my discipleship in another way, it feels like I'm undermining my desire and pull towards the priesthood, like I have to be 100% otherwise I'm a fraud. This is nonsense, but it is my response, irrational as it is, nonetheless.

It's also scary because it throws the net so much wider, and I feel like I'm 15 again in PSHE class, looking at career options. The vastness is daunting, in a murky way, for I know not where to begin and certainly have limited understanding of what my other options actually are.

But there is a clear option top of the list when given alternatives to being priest. Lay Reader, or just Reader I think is the official term. Writing this post was inspired by reading the excellent discernment process blog The Pilgrim Explorer. I've been reading his story in order, and I've just reached 17th Feb 2014, weirdly exactly two years ago last week, when he met an Examining Chaplain who asked him "So why do you want to be an ordained priest and not a Lay Reader?"

Now defining a Lay Reader is tough. I just read through this short but thorough piece, but it is still hard (as the pilgrim explorer himself discusses) to work out a concrete difference between them and non-stipendiary priests. They have some training in theology, and preach/teach, and step in when a parish doesn't have an incumbent. There's a pastoral element to their ministry, and they are often the quiet face of the church, having authority but without the baggage that comes with a dog collar that can put some people off. They also have a job and a secular life. A good blog post by a Reader who contemplated ordained ministry can be found here.

Basically, I get the impression that a priest lives the theology of Sunday, and a reader is involved with the theology of Monday. I think I am the former.

I definitely want to be sacramental, be a direct conduit and facilitator for people's relationship with God. My focus when I think about helping people like that is towards the spiritual within people's lives, not spiritual within the wider world, if that makes sense. I think about serving God, and there's less of the every day - I'm built for the crisis stuff, the stress and emotion including big transitions like marriage and death, and I am drawn to live in the the world of story where people understand their lives, not necessarily in the day to day living of their lives.

ASMing, not what I'm built for

It's very similar to my feelings on being a deputy stage manager not an assistant stage manager. An ASM is on ground level within the cast, just like a Lay Reader operates within a congregation. In stage management, I prefer to work on the behalf of the cast with authority and distance, even though we do create a bond, and know and trust each other. I'm not the voice from on high, but I'm not one of them either.

That's linked to my aversion to the fact that they are most often based in a parish. Yes, there are Reader chaplains, and I'm interested in chaplaincy, but I relate to the clarity that a dog collar provides - being identified as a disciple of God as a defining part of who I am and my role resonates more than just doing the job as a lay person.

It's that focus, that full time lifestyle that suits me better than fitting my ministry around another job. And I also want to operate within the formal structure of the church.

I wonder if I'll remember all that if I get asked the same question in an interview...

Video: Another affirmation

Video: In silence with Love

Video: Seeing myself in Peter

In reference to the video, this is what I wrote this morning:

"At the moment I'm in the middle of reading the book Jesus and Peter: Growing in friendship with God. I've wanted to get to know more about Peter for a while, and this is the book my rector recommended. I've always liked Peter, but it was this past Palm Sunday that it started niggling at me, because I played the part in our dramatic performance of the Passion story.

(Yes, our church doesn't care about casting historically accurate genders in it's dramas - the point of dramatising the story is to make it more affecting, and seeing your pew neighbour up there denying Christ, betraying Christ, or being Christ makes it very effective, regardless of the gender they are.)

Thinking about Peter as I stood next to the person playing Jesus, it struck me, I think for the first time, how real the people in the gospel stories were."

Will ya just calm down Peter?!

I thought about this when standing with the friend I mention in the video; thought of Peter standing next to his friend Jesus just I was standing next to my friend, and both our friends handing out wisdom and trying to calm us down.

Peter in the gospel is a passionate, hell for leather kind of guy. Good intentions, not so much forethought, rushing in confidently but often crashing around a bit. I can SO relate. Calm, helpful Jesus would probably have had conversations similar to the one my friend had with me, getting Peter to slow down enough to think.

I suspect Peter probably had times when he felt overwhelmed and torn as well, trying to balance talking to Jesus, praying, checking with the others, getting supplies, sorting the money, scheduling the travel plans, keeping all the Jewish needs seen to, eating and drinking right, staying out of the sun when it was hot, keeping up with the news locally and from other cities, maybe even contemplating romance, possibly having medical issues, enjoying getting a tad drunk sometimes, doing a heck of a lot of walking, thinking about his fishing days and missing his dad...Anyway.

Just like I talked about Paul in another vlog, Peter had his period of stumbling, but both men became pillars and leaders in the early church, in Acts. I read the outcome of the their stories and think "Oh I want to get there too! How?!" and the answer is the same as for them: through Jesus. Simple and complex at the same time. At the moment, I have Peter's enthusiasm and Paul's clouded vision. My relationship with Jesus and our journey together mirrors theirs as well - through prayer and community; and their example in the NT's pages gives me courage to keep going.

The book about Peter talks of 'mature discipleship'. That's a great phrase for how I see my calling, the end goal, whether that be in the form of ordination or not. I'm like Paul, without Peter's advantage of being the same spacetime as Jesus the incarnation - my relationship is with the ascended Christ, the Son of the Trinity. So my discipleship is not following him around for three years and sorting his travel arrangements. It's moving towards him in prayer, centering my life on his example, and helping others do the same, bringing humanity closer to the coming of the kingdom of heaven.

He will meet me in prayer, and in community. And very much in the meeting of souls when I talk to my friends. Jesus for me is my friend, the person at my shoulder, often with a warm, comforting, rock solid hand on my shoulder, giving me the strength with the Spirit, wisdom from the Word, and a guiding, if not always obviously, path from the Father.