Video: Taize Basel, European Meeting 2017

Video: Love the Lord with all your bits

Video: Being an ordinand - settling in

Video and photos: Taize 2017

Video: Step Forward 2016

Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.

Entrance hall

The programme looked like this:

10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart

"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones'  to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:

• Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
• Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
• Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain

(details in my blog posts first, second, third and fourth).

The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:

Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality

Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling

Abilities - Communication, Organisation, Energy

Personality - Confident, Generous, Focus, Love, Cheer, Honesty, Passion

Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ

Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).

Window in the main conference room

"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.

After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:

• hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
• non-negotiable icons of Christ
• burden of non-stop priesthood
• learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
• Both in the world and in God's world
• Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
• Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
• Live from within my heart

Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.

Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.

Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.

Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!

Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.

I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates

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On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!

Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.

I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.

Song as Worship and Prayer

I never liked singing in choirs. I tried it at senior school but I didn't like singing the high soprano part but also didn't like not singing the tune on the alto part. So I decided I didn't like choirs and protested all efforts at sixth form to get me back in.

So a few months into being at St James's Piccadilly, I had been enjoying the sung Eucharist. I had previously had a few years of singing lessons, and always privately sung musical theatre and Disney tunes in my bedroom. But it was only then, singing every week, that my love of singing reared up and made itself known as an important tool for worship, so I turned up to a choir practice. It's not really a choir - it's the Lay Singers, with no audition, or even any ability to sing or turn up, required.

Without the pressure of expectation, and with some long-time choristers to cling to as I battled to find my alto line, I got over my dislike of not singing the tune, and actually started to a) sing chorally and b) improve. I realised my voice really suits traditional church music, and the hour before the service rehearsing with the lay singers in the church hall became and still is one of the most fun parts about being at church.

I also started to appreciate how much I connected with the music spiritually. Singing the Kyrie eleison was much more evocative for me than saying it. I well up every time I sing the various heart-wrenching arrangements of the Agnes Dei. If I get a sore throat, I feel like I've had a limb cut off.

The moment that really pinned down for me the connection to God we make when we sing was on the 16th of November 2014. A few months earlier, the cantor at St James' had come to me with a proposition. She, like any other employee, had holidays, which included a number of Sunday mornings thought out the year. I had seen this in action - she booked someone else to cover her, sometimes a professional church singer, sometimes a tenor from the Lay Singers. Her proposition was that I could cantor with the tenor, as a little duo, with the intent of preparing me to do it on my own.

Yeah, just stand at the front and lead the singing *gulp*

I was thrilled and honoured by the opportunity and the responsibility, but it was also a terrifying thought. There's normally 100 people minimum in the congregation at the 11am service; it's a big church for one voice to fill without a mic; I'm only an amateur singer; and lots of regulars are likely to notice if you forget something or do it differently (ie f*ck up).

It went fine of course, and we did a little duet as the anthem over communion. The main thing I was worried about was the blocking, there's even a couple of spins the cantor has to do as part of the gospel procession, but there was no tripping or going the wrong way. Sigh of relief.

I started to do it on my own, and with more frequency, as it was easier to book me rather than an outside professional. I still got paid the fee though, which was an unexpected bonus.

I have grown to love cantoring. It's such lovely music to sing, and it's great fun singing stuff I know and can do well, loudly and proudly. But mostly, I love leading, providing something for people to use in their worship. My favourite comments are not that I sang well, but those occasions when people tell me it really helped them connect, eliciting an emotional, spiritual response.

Esmeralda also also sang to God.

I didn't have the Rose Window to inspire me, but still

So, as I mentioned, part of cantoring involves doing an anthem, a piece of music whilst the congregation is taking communion, and I can't lead a choir, so I do solos and duets.

On the 16th Nov '14, I did a solo for the first time. I was nervous, but I knew I had practised thoroughly. The organ started the introduction and I forced myself to relax, forget about the people listening, and concentrate on the music. I started singing and the familiar notes calmed me further. I realised the building's acoustics were enhancing my voice and I listened as well as sang. As I started the final verse, I was filled with a great sense of joy. I lifted up on the notes and felt like I was shining with bright light. I was singing to God, I was singing with God!

It was such a beautiful moment. My time at St James' has an interlocked path of progress for my faith and my singing. It is my favourite and greatest expression of my faith and the love of God.

And now, a kitten.