Called to be miserable (currently, not forever)

I am in the belly of the beast at the moment, just over midway through my 8 weeks at Sandhurst, and I have ended up with a bit of free time. Sadly, on the second exercise in the field, I sprained my ankle, so I have not been able to complete the third exercise, which all my fellow cadets are currently on. It's not a weekend off, but it is a weekend without structure on what to do, so I have made a list of things that will be productive. I was struck this morning that a bit of in-the-moment reflection on my calling and discernment would be incredibly useful. I'm sitting waiting for the Sunday service at my old church to start streaming, so let's get a bit godly in advance.

This frustrating time is an incredible challenge to my sense of being where I am supposed to be. These last five weeks have been very hard, but it has all felt purposeful, even when feeling sleep deprived, worried about getting hypothermic while lying on the wet ground on patrol at 6am, coming last in the navigation exercise, and being at the back of every run. And I have not struggled as much as I could have done. Those experiences are places where I have done my best to do what my people do and understand the community I have joined to serve. But now I do not feel that I am where my people are - I'm getting uninterrupted sleep in a bed, three hot meals served every day, and even time to watch TV for pity's sake; I'm not miserable, running into a section attack, or getting up in the night to go on sentry, or eating cold rations in a hurry.

What does it mean that I am still called to be here? I could hold onto this time at Sandhurst being some benighted agony of necessary evil that the padres are being forced through before we start the 'real job'. I don't buy that, but then that means I have to make sense of my current experience are already doing the job. 

What I am holding onto are the stats of Incarnation. How Jesus spent his Incarnate time was [very roughly]: 

- 0.01% passion/crucifixion/resurrection, 

- 9.09% rabbi, 

- and then 90.9% being one of us. 

Thirty years as a baby, boy, student, man, eldest son, awkward brother, apprentice then master craftsman, head of the household, synagogue member, helping in the community, drinking and feasting and fasting, hanging out with his friends, settling arguments, discussing problems, going through struggles and difficulties, being with those struggling alongside him - first century Palestine bog standard bloke life. What I have been learning, and that this injury has very much hit home, is that this job is 90.9% being, being myself, who and how I am, with these people in this place. Being one of them most of the time, living the 2023 Surrey bog standard cadet life.

I wonder how much Jesus thought about all that he was missing and all that he felt he 'should' be doing during those thirty years. I wonder if he struggled with his dual identity, and what it meant to keep all that he was beyond his humanity still in sight when it was mostly put off.

Holding onto the fact that I am so much more than a cadet is a deeply challenging struggle. Now, there have been many moments that I have done some 9.09% stuff - I have had one-on-ones with other cadets, I have had fellowship with the padres and we've done prayers with anyone who came along, I have organised an All Souls event, and challenged the staff very directly. I have also been a person, going to see the people I love, reading my books and writing my journal, browsing a catalogue, planning a holiday, ie living my life beyond my role, and rooting myself in who I have become that feeds my role. 

All of this is doing the job already, and next module I will do some 0.01% stuff (either a field service or a company prayer service). So it's not benighted agony of necessary evil - it's time to figure this stuff out. These 12 weeks total training are as much for me as for the army to instruct me in what they think I need to know. This is exactly the same as at drama school and at theological college: it is easy to not see the time as the gift that it is and get frustrated that we aren't 'doing' the thing we signed up to do, rather than exploiting the opportunity to reflect and grow as a person, which is filling the jar that pours into the role.

I am not waiting to get to my unit so I can 'finally' take up my calling. I am called to be struggling through officer's training, I am called to heed to medical centre's instructions, I am called to try my best at things I know I am not good at. I am called to be mostly a cadet, and I'm sure at my unit, I will be called to be mostly 'present', forging relationships over the daily minutiae of life, listening to complaints about the army and negotiating when to explore that further and when to leave it as a necessary expression without follow up. I'm sure parish priests can relate - as much as there are services to take, pastoral care to do, and teaching to be done, so much of what a priest is called to do includes admin, buildings, arguments, meetings, and paperwork. The system isn't perfect and it is a huge blessing that in the army I have clerks that do some of that, but my point still stands. 

The Incarnation teaches me a holistic view of calling. I am called as a whole person; I do not hang up my calling like a hat when I get in and spend time away from the role, nor am I attending to my calling any less when I feel very un-priestly crawling in a very undignified manner through dewy ferns behind someone with a rifle, or going to bed at a reasonable hour of my own choosing to rest my injured body. That is what a priest called at this time to be a padre looks like. This, me, I am what a priest called at this time to be a padre looks like. 

Awesome. Thank you, Jesus.

I'm in the army! Eight years discernment later

 

Apologies for putting this video on the blog a while after it was published on Youtube. Also many apologies for not realising I had used the camera's audio not my mic's! 

I write this at the Chaplaincy Centre and watching that back, it feels like a million years ago even though it's only a few days since I said goodbye and moved out. It's all going well so far!