What is expected of me?

Bear with me on this one - I need to tell an anecdote but it does get to a point eventually!

I had a weird day yesterday (Sunday 10th June 2018). I got up to go to the cathedral to acolyte and I already knew something was wrong. On Friday we had our summer party, and though I did not drink or stay up particularly late, I still had a long day (including taking two classes at placement) and an energetic party. Then on Saturday I got up at 4.45am to catch a train to Cambridge, where I spent a full day reflecting on my trip to Johannesburg in September before getting the return train to Durham, getting back, cooking/eating, and going to bed.

So I already knew Sunday, yesterday, was going to be a bit of a struggle. I was tired, but to start with I only had that odd ache that's not actually painful in my head and face, if you know what I mean. I arrived at the cathedral, and the others in the serving team came in one by one, and we ended up in a different configuration to the plan - I was altar server rather than acolyte, and I was to administer the chalice for the first time.

But my theatre background did me some credit, being able to roll with these punches. But I got a much bigger 'punch' when one of the team came in, sat down, and opened with "You are always so rude". Startled, I asked for clarification, and thus began a strange conversation that I did not really have the spoons for (if you don't know this phrase, see this explanation) but I got through anyway.

It was about my conduct towards this lady, namely not noticing her, such as not responding to her 'Good morning' to the group when she entered, and other times that she listed off when she had seen me at college or in town and I 'had ignored' her. Now, I had met her only once before as far as I could remember, so I tried to point this out - is it not a reasonable thing that I did not notice her when my brain doesn't know her face well enough to recognise it in contexts where it is unexpected? That didn't wash though.

She then tied it to ministry, checking if I was an ordinand at all. At this, I got super nervous. She was tapping into one of my self-doubts that I've have since I decided to become a stage manager, let alone a priest - I have always struggled with a) recognising people and b) being observant, which leads to situations like this where people think I'm 'an arrogant snob' ignoring them, or that I don't care to remember them. Particularly, people expect a priest to be the exact opposite, and this lady expressed real concern that I wasn't the type of person who should be becoming a priest at all.

I defended myself to a certain extent, reassured her that I would never have snubbed her on purpose and it had never been personal (I genuinely don't remember ever seeing her outside the cathedral! Make of that what you will), and thanked her for her feedback which I made sure she knew I appreciated. But I was mortified that I had upset her with my behaviour, intentional or not.

Reeling, I lined up with my candle in formation and by the time we sat down for the reading, I had a nasty headache. I tried to concentrate in the service but I was shaken, seriously disturbed, with all sorts of thoughts swirling like sand stirred on a river bed in my mind. But by communion, I was distracted from my crisis of vocation by increased pain - after the distribution I was almost panting and I realised this was the onset of a migraine, which I have experienced only 3 or 4 times previously.

We got up at the final blessing and I could not stop tears leaking as I gritted my teeth to finish the service. I made it up the aisle, and out into the vestry, and after some curt goodbyes, stumbled home, took some codeine and buried myself in bed, relived from the intolerable pain and falling heavily asleep. I woke hours later, and had a peaceful afternoon and evening.

But as I returned to bed at a more traditional time last night, I was beset with the doubts of the morning. I had resolved in my woozy state in the service that I surely needed to turn my life to be less self-centred and more focussed on others, but how can one become more observant, and better at recognising people? Is that something I have control over, something it is even possible for me to improve?

Being recommended for training gave me a boost of self-confidence, but really, being an ordinand hasn't allayed any of my doubts about my suitability. And I think this encounter shows the high level of expectation laity put on clergy (I actually wrote mine here) and the personal investment even a fleeting relationship leads to. Even of an ordinand, who from my perspective is still laity and a work-in-progress, the capacity to live to this higher standard is expected.

I don't dispute this, I suppose I just had not truly absorbed it, that I am basically already an echelon of clergy. That's weird to digest when I'm not getting ordained until 2020. How much do I give myself some slack and how much do I hold myself to account here?

This is part of a greater discussion about feedback and by whose authority, whose standard should I be held up against, and it's complicated. It's hard to find the balance of judgement of what to take onboard and what to hear with a pinch of salt. Where do I go from here? Do I reassure myself that I am doing the best I can or knuckle down to try and change my behaviour to fit in with this lady's expectations of clergy? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am called as I am with the gifts that I have to offer, with the understanding that discernment and training is a process of learning/gaining knowledge and skills, both of my innate gifts, and of others that aren't as natural that I need as a priest?

How much of priesthood is shared, and how much is unique I suppose is my question. Who gets to tell me 'a priest should be like this' when I am discerning what kind of priest I will be, and if I am not meeting people's expectations as an ordinand, how much of a warning bell is that for my focus in improving myself for future ministry?

I am grateful for this feedback, for another perspective of my behaviour, and for a glimpse at one of the pressures clergy are under. But it has set me spinning. So all I can say at the moment is - God help me.

Video: Self-care as an ordinand (Know Thyself)

"Nosce te ipsum." - Ancient proverb

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Hamlet Act 1, scene 3

Video: I am an ordinand...WHAT?!

I would have uploaded this ASAP but our college house has not had working Wifi so I write to you now from a week into being here at Cranmer Hall, Durham.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm not really very relaxed about being an ordinand. It's still weird, and scary, and unbelievable, after such a long time getting here, actually being here doesn't feel like it should be happening. Surely there's another hoop to go through? Surely I'm not truly ready to claim the title 'ordinand'.

The implications of coming to train are vast and varied, and the thought that I am actually going to be a priest is only one. New city, new house, reduced money situation, being away from my friends, taking all the opportunities available to me, being a student again, living with other people again - it's been exhausting dealing with it all at once. I'm lucky that I've moved a lot over the last few years, so the move is less dramatic, but there's still an emotional wrench of moving from the south east to the north east, with a different rhythm to the city, learning to find my way around, not living on my own any more, not using public transport every day...oh, and the temperature. I am a delicate English rose, and working out how much clothing I need every day, investing in thermal underwear, and finding out where nearby sells electric blankets, all makes for a tad more stress.

I've already fallen down in my self-care. I failed to remember how I know I operate, that I need intimacy with God, with close friends, and with myself, to balance my mental health into a good state. Plus this week has involved a lot of meeting people, forgetting their names, and working out which ones will be more work to get on with than others, which is a drain even on an outgoing extrovert like yours truly. So I had a slightly emotional night last night, which I am in the process of remedying, so no harm done. But lesson learned, the hard way.

We've had introductory talks, a prayer day in the cathedral, a day of lectures from a world expert on Thomas Cranmer, a college freshers' fair (I signed onto the mailing lists of LGBT+ Soc, FemSoc, and the theatre society), many cups of tea in the common room, and matriculation when I was thrilled to have my first outing in a cassock and used my cloak to boot.

A lot of the induction this week has been like any other university - like the police officer telling us not to take drugs, and the fireman telling us not the cover our smoke alarms with clingfilm - just with more Christianity, and advice/info being spoken into our proto-clergy situation, like the dual nature of our focus, that our academia is merely half of our time here, and our spiritual lives take as much precedence. This of course echoes ministry, giving us good practice.

I will be honest, the academic side terrifies me. I was pretty good at school work, though not essays, and this is my first degree to do 'proper' essays, as opposed to the self-reflective ones from my previous degree. Doing reading, spending time in the library, it's all alien and I'm not confident in my own ability to do very well.

At least I'm on the way to making friends here. The house is finally settled, with only an ice cube tray to source  (for the gin and tonics you understand). I like the fact that I have an uphill 15 minute walk to college everyday, and morning prayer to do, evening worship to join as well. I've managed to arrange a space in my room for my prayer stool, so I can kneel in front of my small standing cross. I'm being good with my diet, taking heed of the warnings against 'the Cranmer stone'. I'm also damn pleased to have my comfy armchair in the living room!

Blimey. I am an ordinand. We'll see how this goes.

Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: Twelfth visit to the rector

The topic Lucy emphasised in our conversation was 'unmendedness', that of others and that of yourself, and coping with it as a priest. It isn't skill, but wisdom, part of the wisdom of just being a person - remaining 'alive' inside, and finding strategies that keep you connected.

Sometimes there's a temptation to 'pastoral lust', the desire to give someone clear direction because you think you can fix their life. But Lucy said you are always wrong. You've got to let people go to hell in their own way; your job is to accompany them but not end up in hell yourself. The way to do that is getting into your own mess. The harsh truths about myself don't stop here, the job is a perpetual journey and the harsh truths keep coming. The strategies that keep you connected have to deepen your trust in God.

It was all very interesting and really getting into the formation nitty gritty of priesthood, the personhood that is essential, the wisdom that must be opened to rather than learnt like a skill.
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Since things are going to get serious once the DDO kicks off the next stage, Lucy also wanted to make sure I don't approach this like any other job interview, like some exam or achievement to attain. As much as positive thinking and optimism is essential to fend off despair and hopelessness, neither extreme is the right attitude.

Between getting a BAP date and going on it, Lucy recommended that I take some time out to truly imagine getting a 'no', or a 'not yet'. It's important that I don't lose sight of the reality of the possibility that that will be my result. The way I put it was that I'm consciously trying to keep my attitude in the 'if' space. I never say 'when I go to theological college', only 'if'. Otherwise I'm really risking my emotional health.

That's about it, the cliffsnotes version anyway. See you after the next meeting!

Video: This is what discerning feels like/DDO 5

This won't make sense unless you watch the video, which is clips from 5th December and 15th December so make sure you watch it first:

This post was written throughout the following weeks since the video over Christmas.

I will paraphrase the report, as it is a personal document between me, my DDO, and the psychotherapist who wrote it, so I'll try not to break confidence and quote it directly. The part that caused concern was it was felt that my emotional maturity still needed some development; that I didn't let or allow painful experiences affect me ie. I put truly difficult feelings at a distance. This led to doubts that I should go forward for selection at this time. It wasn't a 'no', just a 'not yet'.

Firstly, I'll step back and address why this was flagged; why, if it's true, this is a problem for a potential priest. Lucy was helpful in explaining this context. It has become an important part of the discernment process that as well as assessing whether someone has the call, would be good at the job, and would an asset to the Church and its congregations, etc, there's also an emphasis on assessing whether they will be able to handle the job, and can look after their own health and mental health.

Priests are under so much pressure and encounter so much of the drama of life, so much of other people's suffering, that without the proper tools - eg understanding how they work best, having a support network that is reliable, making good use of that network, having stable strategies to deal with their own emotions in emotional situations - they will probably eventually implode or explode, or 'burn out' as is the common phrase.

This is referencing Criterion D: Personality and Character, which says "Candidates should be sufficiently self-aware, mature and stable to show that they are able to sustain the demanding role of an ordained minister. They should be able to demonstrate how they have faced change and pressure in a balanced and flexible way and how they manage stress." To evidence this to the selectors, candidates "should be able to speak of how they have coped with difficult life experiences, how they have reflected upon them and incorporated them within their life and understanding."

Drawing further from the criteria, I don't think the therapist thought I am completely reconciled to my own vulnerabilities and limitations, and she had worries about my capacity to assimilate and deal appropriately with my own response to negative or difficult life experiences. If I were to be a priest like this, the chances are that it would break me.

Talking with Lucy was tough. I felt like she really jumped on this as a grade A excuse to stop me going forward, making suggestions of what I could do instead in September, like spending a year at a L'Arche community. I was glad I went to her, because she emphasised the importance of not thinking about the timing, not letting the practicalities cloud my thinking about the important stuff, which was in fact discerning something personal. But it was disheartening that she seemed quite so keen to stop me; she did say she would support me if I decided to continue, but with a look that suggested she was already trying to work out how to comfort me when I get rejected. But this could just be bias based on residual resentment from the first part of our exploration, when I was wrongly frustrated at her.

I have since talked to my parents, who have the advantage of coming at this report with a fairly comprehensive understanding of my emotional/psychological history, and I was unsurprised that it was this conversation that has been most helpful. I can now see the grain of truth that the psychotherapist was trying to point out. She didn't get it right, of course not, she met me for only 90minutes, so she over-estimated what she saw. But she did identify something that could be a problem if I went ahead unaware of it.

I do compartmentalise when it comes to crisis or problem-solving or being helpless. And there have been times that I have parked my emotional response to a situation over to one side and not dealt with it as well as I could have. But it's not something I do every time. Most of the time I do deal with it, but up til now it's not been a conscious process - I've been lucky that without realising I needed something, like to do something about the situation, or talk to my boyfriend, or go out with friends, or take a day to myself, or whatever the strategy was, I did it without thinking. So the times I didn't handle it well were the times that I wasn't lucky, that I didn't accidentally sort myself out. Now I'm aware of my lack of strategy, over the next few years I can put conscious thought into what I need and eventually those moments of failing to deal properly will be very rare and not based on accidental luck.

Pausing the discernment process now isn't going to help. Yes, there are things I could do to show I have started addressing the issue raised, and talking to my landlord who is studying to be a priest himself, I understand I can't just give empty reassurance that I will mature in my relationship with my emotions - they need hard evidence, so I will have to do one or two of those things, like work experience with a prison chaplain or volunteering for the Samaritans. Lucy was keen that I get more experience of being in situations where someone is suffering and I cannot fix it, which mean I can't respond with action, and those seem more plausible options than her main suggestion.

Sure I can see her concern that if I was plopped into a job as priest right now, I might not cope so well. That's what the psychotherapist thought as well. But I'm not going forward to be a priest now. I'm going forward to selection for training. Three years of academic study and formation at college, then three to four years of experience and formation in curacy - this will bring me to being a minimum of 31yo before I am officially able to work as an unsupervised priest, and 31yo me will look a lot different to 24yo me. She'll have learnt about herself and gone through years of life, and life generally matures you even if you resist. And now I'm forewarned of one of the issues to put some effort into developing, I'm doing the opposite of resisting!

This report hasn't been given to me to stop me. Like I said in the video, I would know something like that in my gut, in my bones. It's not got the feeling of a change in direction. No, this was handed to me as an opportunity to start digging into myself below the surface, and listen to the people around me. I had a similar experience in the first year at Guildhall, so God has precedent doing this in my life. That time I needed to become more aware of myself and some of my faults to get into the right frame of mind to train as a stage manager; this time I need to do the same and go deeper, building on everything my 8 years in backstage theatre has given me, to begin the second stage of my vocation, and become the priest I'm meant to be.

As Lucy and I discussed, this is what discerning feels like. This is the inward looking journey that I need to go on, because it's not just the Church that needs to get to know me - I need to learn more about myself as well. This has been hard. As you can see, I got this news weeks ago and it's only now that I'm getting a handle on what it means for me. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had issues to resolve - you can see in the video how determined I was in my initial reaction to circumvent the long hard look at myself to which Lucy pushed me. But this is what is needed. Even if I become the Archbishop of Canterbury - first among equals, primate, archbishop, bishop, priest - I am always laity first, a frail human being that is a single part of the body of Christ. If I don't know who I am as a person, I won't come to know myself as a priest.

I want to see Lucy one more time before I go back to the DDO and tell him I want to continue. Hers is always a useful insight and I want to further our conversation with the developments in my own thinking since our last meeting. I've also received a 'write something every day for 365 days' notebook for Christmas, and I've challenged myself to express my emotions in this notebook - not what I think, but how I feel, and it's already proving that I'm not very clear on my own emotions, so hopefully it'll be another useful tool in self-awareness.

Post Script
As for the priest's report, to be honest it was just really nice. He said I seemed to have two sides, a more precise side and a wilder side, and he said that as a compliment, he found me to be engaging; and it's also had quite an impact on me by pointing out that I do in fact have quite a dedicated prayer life, I've just been too perfectionist about it. This was useful to have pointed out, and I'm less anxious now about feeling inadequate vis a vis prayer. Those are the things that have stuck with me, so I'm not going to get it out and analyse further.

Happy New Year! (Next time you see me, I'll be filming on my new camera, wahoo!)

Video: DDO 4

Thoughts on the lay person's report:
She very much structured her conversation and her report within the Criteria, which is interesting to see. Her report doesn't give a lot of opinion or judgement but she lays out who she thinks I am by summarising what she heard. So for example under criterion A: vocation, she doesn't say whether she thinks I have one, but puts what I said about it, sometimes couched as 'Georgina recognises this'. Later, she says I am committed to ministry, which is not how I phrased it, that's her interpretation, which is good, I'm glad she got that impression, because it is true, but such a clear statement is in my favour. A really nice and positive sentence is "I found Georgina to be very self aware and perceptive." Whoop! And the end is just great: "I found Georgina open and honest with an enormous amount of enthusiasm...Georgina is willing, articulate and reflective, with an engaging manner." That's encouraging.

My to-do list:
- Revise my enquiry form
- contact the chaplain at a prison
- contact a friend who is a priest in a 'normal' parish about shadowing for a week
- contact the army chaplain I spoke to about visiting her
- start the process of getting a spiritual director
- list examples of leadership that I have done
- go to open days (scary!)

Sidenote: If you in the UK, the Gabriel Collective are having an event in London on December 10th 2016, which should be amazing. We'll be making films about the meaning of Christmas. Sign up on the website.

Video: Assessments coming up

5/11/16

Contrary to my last statement in the video above, it's not the latest update, I just didn't get round to putting it up before I filmed the next video! That one ^ was about how I'm feeling about the forthcoming Examining Chaplains, and the next one below is about my chat with the rector about how to go about them. You also get a great opportunity to compare what I look like with and without make up!

9/11/16

Video: 3rd chat with curate / 7th chat with rector

Going Further: the heart of my faith = sharing the good news?

See this post for an intro to this series.

What is the heart of [the candidate's] faith: the good news they would wish to share with others? 

This is a very well-timed post to write considering my recent conversation with the rector about her reservations concerning my faith - what my relationship with God looks like, and how I express it to others.

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So turning to the question, my immediate response is the heart of my faith is a trust in God, and the the good news I wish to share with others is that they can trust God too. God is for everyone. That doesn't mean everyone should be Christian, be religious, or even put Jesus at the centre of their lives. Jesus is the good news but the Messiah, the Son of God, the Word Made Flesh is so much more than the bloke from Nazareth.

Jesus embodies the right ordering of creation, that God and humankind are in harmonious relationship. That is the good news, that is what Jesus being born into the world and fulfilling the Law shows us. God is for everyone because everyone should have a relationship with God. I like John's gospel best, even though it is dense as a jungle and a bit mind-bendy, because of the emphasis on the Spirit and that beautiful prologue about the Word. To have a relationship with God through Jesus is to know the Word by the power of the Spirit, and I don't think that necessarily means knowing the bloke from Nazareth.

I think our mission is to spread the Word, and the Word is however God best has a relationship with each person. Our Word, our story is a unique back and forth between each of us and God. Sure, I think the Christian church and being a follower of Jesus of Nazareth is probably the best road for the majority of people. But the 'majority' of all humankind that has lived, is living, and will live, still leaves a whopping number of people who are the minority (the minority of a massive number is still a big number).

I like the 'many paths on the mountain' pluralism metaphor. If God is the destination, the top of the mountain, there are many ways up the mountain. There are lots of places to start from, there are paths that intersect, and cross, and converge at points. And the top is big, so when people are looking to it, and reach it, it looks different to each individual. Exclusivists, those that say their path is the only one, imagine the mountain has a fence, and a gate to only one, fenced path. Pluralists think it's a free for all. Inclusivists like me think Christ has cleared one path, without any barriers, but some people want or need to go another way and it's just as legitimate, just maybe not as easy.

Terrible drawing of exclusivism

Terrible drawing of inclusivism

Terrible drawing of pluralism

I feel like the perception that is most pervasive among both religious and non-religious folks is that all religion is inherently exclusivist, and that doesn't sit right with most people in modern western first world culture, AND a lot of people in cultures of eastern religion (eastern theological thought is often a lot more pluralistic). I want to share the good news that it isn't like that! God is vastly more complex and loving than to have a boxed in, one-size-fits-all relationship with humankind, when humankind is beautifully and wonderfully made intrinsically varied and diverse. God has created each us as a unique soul so why would God need uniformity in our relationships with God?

The heart of my faith is a trust in God. Some people have trust issues; their relationship to God looks very different to mine. I rejoice with anyone who has a relationship to God and want to invite others to see the glory of serving the Creator who is at the heart of the world. But I don't want to tell them they have to trust God, or follow Christ, or anything other than what Jesus summed up as the only universal truth that everyone can take to heart is 'love God, love neighbour'. Everything else is up for debate, including what that looks like in different people's lives.

I feel the only evil we have to overcome is human evil, and the how and why are right there in the Great Commandment. I don't like overuse of 'evil' as a concept, which links to the terrible messages most people are getting about religion. I am religious because I want to see a better world, and following God in my way gives me the tools and strength to do my part in bringing about that better world. It's not a dogmatic as 'do what God says and you will receive the kingdom of heaven'. More like 'form a relationship with God and seek the ways of love that bring about the kingdom of heaven on earth'. The Word, and Love, are huge, world-encompassing aspects of the vastly greater reality of God, and for me, they are the aspects on which my trust hangs as the heart of my faith, and the aspects I feel called to express and bring people to, in their own way, by the grace of God partly working through me.

Going Further: why are you here and why now?

See this post for an intro to this series.

During their meeting with enquirers, DDOs and Vocations Advisers will want to listen carefully to the vocational stories of the enquirers and to tease out from the enquirers their response to two key questions: ‘why are you here?’ and ‘why now?’  

Why are you here?
My life has been leading towards an inexorable future, and I fully embrace it. I am meant to be a priest, and I want to be a priest. Church is where I belong, and I want to continue the tradition, and also improve it, and provide humanity with the tools for living their lives as God's children; give them liturgy, show them wisdom, encourage dialogue and thinking about divine, philosophical, and ethical matters. I'm not wired to be able to prioritise my relationship with God without having it tangibly at the centre of my life ie. as my job, and my very identity, but it has become my priority to serve God in the best way that I can do, so I must arrange my life accordingly.

I feel such a desire to be a priest, but my calling is more than that. There is a resonance, a rightness to it, like my soul has finally been plugged into the universe and powered up. I think I would be good at it, with the right training, practice, and focus. I've always thought I would become a priest, and when the time came to put my feet on the path, I was overjoyed, terrified, unsure of the exact path ahead of me but sure that ordination was on it somewhere along the line. I think it would suit me, and be the best way for me live to the fullest - "The glory of God is a human being fully alive" (Iranaeus).

I want to nourish people's souls, even if they don't realise it. This is my part of the Church's mission to a tangible expression of God's love to the world, and becoming a priest is the best way for me to do that - it's the only way I'll fully realise it. A constant theme in my life has been stories, and I am called to use stories, listen to stories, be in stories, tell stories, spread stories, explain stories, absorb stories, nudge stories. It is by changing the stories in and the story of the world that we end suffering and bring about the next chapter - the kingdom of God.

Being a priest is the best way for me to do that in the most important context, in people's spiritual lives, their most intimate and personal relationships - with God, others, and the world. A priest has that place in people's lives. People expect you to hear their stories, you're allowed to tell stories, it's not surprising for a priest to get stuck in and change the story; your life is dedicated to the greatest story ever told, you represent that story, people look to you to get to heart of stories, and share the stories that matter. The epitome of that is reenacting the story of the Last Supper in the Eucharist, and meeting Christ at the very human setting of a shared meal. It would be amazing to have authority and duty to introduce people to Christ. It is one of my greatest joys to learn, discuss, teach, and expand my and others' horizons.

It's also important to me to express my identity, and the most important part of who I am is being a disciple of Christ. We are called to evanglise, and I think I am best suited to convey that by my unapologetic identity in devotion to following Jesus. I want to communicate the mission of spreading the good news in people's lives by trusting God to work through me, and being a priest gives me the context to do that. My gift is focus, so it makes sense that my job, and beyond that, my full-time identity, is a religious context, to put my focus to God's work. I want to have the licence to be truly enthusiastic about God and Christ, to really let my geek flag fly. I love God, and if my life can be spent in God's company, doing God's work, spreading God's love, being used by God, every day all day, in my favourite place or with lots of different people, challenged, tested, and maybe in the end doing something that has meaning - that sounds like true happiness.

Why now?
God has always been in my life. When I was a child, it was just obvious, a definite truth I didn't think about. My parents didn't tell me God existed or didn't. But when I read my children's illustrated Bible, I loved it. When I went to a CofE primary school, I learnt the Lord's prayer, said grace, went to church for harvest and Christingles; and it was great, and I wasn't really thinking about God but the worship was positive, and I wanted to keep going to Christingles after I left that school.

I realised as a teenager that I needed to start thinking about things a bit more clearly because we were studying different religions. I came to understand that I had a relationship with God through Christianity as a default setting rather than conscious belief, and that wouldn't do. At that point I actually acknowledged my faith in Christ specifically, rather than as just the version of a story of God that I went along with. I learnt about the variety of beliefs and worship styles and built a picture in my head of what sort of Christian I was, and out of the blue decided to wear a cross to publicly express that. 

God has been working my life in this step by step way the entire time, starting as the distant Father. When I started at SJP, I really started to get to know God in Christ, in fellowship and discipleship. Now I think I'm getting to know God the Spirit, a much longer, deeper process that is wakening my spirit within me. 2015 was a tough year in my spiritual life because I was building my stage management career and kept missing things at church, kept failing to develop a prayer life, and the worst point was not going to Holy Week, and feeling no sense of jubilation Easter morning.

It was at the point at which I tried to buckle down in my SM career that the heavens moved. I was not meant to establish a secular career. One day in September, I got a spiritual kick up the backside, the doors opened, and boom, NOW IS THE TIME.

I had always known this would happen. I recognised my sense of calling at 16, very clearly understanding and instantly accepting that I would end up a priest, eventually, one day. But God's schedule was not the one I had anticipated. The call, the kick, the moment that now, NOW I was to seek out my second and ultimate vocation, came much earlier than I thought. But in the grand scheme, it makes perfect sense that I drop everything and begin the next part of my journey.

My spirituality is blossoming. I've gained 8 years of personal development from my first vocation as a stage manager. I've received 5 years of parish experience and religious development. Continuing in theatre would have pushed my faith to the sidelines. And now the perfect opportunity to begin in ministry itself as plopped into my lap, to be the PA at SMITF. The reason I'm here now is because God has called me now, and God has called my now because it is the right time in my life.

Video: Spiritual retreat on Holy Island

I spent five days on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, off the north east coast of England, on retreat. I've never been on retreat before, and I decided to just take myself off to somewhere quiet and remote, pray, walk, and not set myself any goals or schedule. I could have done all sorts of guided retreats, silent retreats, or gone to retreat houses where you can get spiritual direction, but for my first time, I wanted to just give my self space to be with God, and also just have a break.

I wrote a journal, so as to keep track of my activities and musings. I've typed it out here if you want to read it, and I've also summarised my spiritual thoughts and revelations at the bottom of this post with a video of a few snippets of the experience. But you will miss the chronicle of an epic sheep drama!


Tuesday 26th April
3.20pm
Trains were all fine and the taxi driver was lovely. I've booked him to pick me up on Saturday.
Got shown round. My room is small and, like the rest of the house, plain. I am regretting not bringing my slippers. But it shouldn't be too cold. [Famous last words]
I've unpacked and just given myself an hour or so to relax and settle, just playing Tetris, listening to a podcast. I'm going to make a cup of tea.
3.55pm
Sitting in the social lounge (as opposed to the silent one) with my cup of tea, I've been getting to know an elderly couple also staying in the house and helping with the crossword whilst writing out Isaiah 61:1-3 in one of my notebooks.

4.25pm
Just finished reading over my hand written faith story and put a final sentence to end it.
5.15pm
Feeling tired, been reading. Bit like a detox period at the moment, I think.
5.50pm
Just finished evening prayer. It will be good to do it several times to get over the novelty and relax into the actual prayer.
Aiden, the founder of the monastery and school on the island, was a 'gentle Bishop', so hopefully something about his example might bring out the gentleness in my soul, if I let it, and God willing.
7.30pm
Lovely dinner of chicken leg, beautifully tender with tasty, crispy skin; perfect baked potato, soft fluffy and flavourful, almost crackling, salty skin; salad, and coleslaw.
Great conversation - there's 7 of us. Susan (50s?), Avril and Colin (70s), Betty and John (60s?), and Anne (70s) [though at this point of writing, I was still learning names!]
These old, northeast bunch of people, they're a bit of laugh. We're in the lounge, just chatting.
10pm
Just finished talking for over an hour with Colin about how to deal with differences of opinion within faith and the problems of religion, scriptural interpretation, the concept of dogma, all sorts! He prayed for me just before going to bed, and he was really positive about petitioning God that if it be God's will, that God make my path open to the priesthood. So I can't have said anything or had any attitude or manner that made him think I wouldn't be good. It was such a fun conversation.

Wednesday 27th April

7.50am
Well, it's not fun doing morning prayer whilst being able to see my breath whilst inside the church!
It's nice to be able to do it first thing. Though doing it with others, the sensory experience is of droning, not exactly uplifting. Not too bad for evening prayer, but I would hope for morning prayer to be a little more energising, even when solemn.
8.35am
I could barely concentrate on the Eucharist, I was so cold! After breakfast, I have to fill the morning. First day of challenge.
10.10am
Bit of porridge and coffee for breakfast. Bit of chat with the others, then they headed off to the house's morning prayers, at a more civilised time two hours after the parish church's. I headed out. the weather is pretty lovely, so I'm glad I'm out and about.
The key I think is being in the moment. Being just here, on this rock, watching those sheep, and the sea. This is not getting away from my life, this is still my life, God given, blessed, and God is only closer here because of the way I am here. If I could be peaceful, and quiet anywhere, God would be just as close.
11.55am
In some ways it's easier to relax somewhere unfamiliar. If you have no ties, you have no responsibility.
The island has a different feel when the tourists come. I've spent the morning doing all the visitor things - up to the castle (though not in it, not for almost ten quid!), around all the town's shops; got some fudge and indulged in a beautiful silver pendant, St Cuthbert's cross, with a garnet at the centre;

the mead/winery, had a taster, I suppose mead is quite nice, but I wouldn't have a bottle in the house; keep wanting to get a standing cross, but it would only add to the clutter on my desk, or my knick-knack shelf.
I'm currently sitting waiting for the hermit's island to clear of people. I'm not going to pay to go in the priory or museum. I did that last time I was here [whilst on holiday in Northumberland with friends, the summer after A-levels], and I got some great views of the ruins from the lookout tower, first thing after breakfast.
12.50pm
The key to enjoying the outdoors here, in April (apart from getting lucky with the weather, like I have this morning) is finding the sheltered corners. The minute the wind isn't in your face - loud, cold, messing your hair - it's idyllic.
I'm just waiting for lunch. I spent the last 45 minutes sitting on the far side of the hermit island, in the sun, out of the wind, without a single person or dwelling in view.
My thoughts wandered all over the place, and then I did indulge in reading Facebook. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't worrying, and that was pretty blissful!
No divine inspirations yet, though.
3.45pm
Lunch was tomato soup, bread roll, cheese, biscuits, chutney and fruit. It might seem odd that I'm cataloging the food, but I'm trying to take life as a whole experience, rather than seeing certain bits are 'counting' more than others.
After dumping my morning's purchases in my room, I headed straight out. I went down to the castle, and headed round the island's coast. I'm writing this on a break, just before the last leg back into the village, having circumnavigated the whole island!
It was so wonderful, and I've been blessed that shockingly it's been blue skies and sunshine.
I sang most of the way round. I was totally alone, with an occasional sheep, so I blared out a mixture of church and Disney music.
Of course, I wasn't totally alone. God was there. I couldn't see a person, nor even any sign of humanity, just sea, sky, dunes or fields or grassland. But I wasn't alone.
I can't believe I'm sitting here worried about sun burn. I set off in teeshirt, cardigan, big hoody, zip up hoody, and winter coat. Now I'm down to shirt and cardy.
It was a good thing I brought my hiking boots. Well done me.

5.15pm
I suppose I feel a bit like I'm finally starting to set roots down. These last two decades have seen seed planted, shoots appear, small leaves come up, and shoot grow slightly into sapling. This period I'm going to say is the lengthening of roots, becoming more secure a base and reaching for resources.
5.55pm
Lord, let me be worthy to take up the mantle of shepherding your people, your church, your bride, your beloved; worthy to follow in the footsteps of so many before me who have given their lives to you and your gospel.
7.50pm
I am pooped! Barely 8pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Dinner was lovely again. Boiled ham (amazeballs), mash, carrots and parsnips, but I didn't partake of the curly kale; followed by ginger cake with lemon sauce and sorbet.
Sitting in the living room, wondering when is polite to retire. I have less patience with the old folks natter without any energy.

Thursday 25th April
9.30am
Shower, morning prayer, Eucharist (again, too cold to concentrate), porridge and coffee, and then a bit of a rest. Yesterday was energetic, today will be calm. But it does mean I'm a little stumped on how to get going. Hopefully the day will be of prayer, contemplation, reading, and insight.
10.55am
There's basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God.
3.45pm
Started reading a novel I brought - looked in the front and realised that I bought it in Alnwick, just nearby, last time I was in Northumberland! It's funny how my friend recommended I buy it from the gigantic second-hand bookstore, and I've had it six years but not had the impulse to read it. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's not that profound.
Lunch was cream of potato soup, lovely, with same sides and cheese as yesterday.
Afterwards, I popped into one of the gift shops I didn't go to yesterday, and it was good thing too. Last night I'd been getting fed up of the tiny mugs here, you know the ones, white standard that you get cheap in bulk. Serviceable but can't get a proper cuppa.
I had in mind to get a mug today, and the shop had a great selection! I got one with designs from the Lindisfarne Gospels.
I really want the pastoral assistant job I've applied for. I'm going to be bereft if I don't get it. It'll be a consolation if I get one of the other ones, but I really want the original one, the one that sparked.
It's raining at the moment - it was blessed luck that I had such fantastic weather yesterday, though I got a great picture of the castle and priory after morning prayer.

7.10pm
This afternoon, reading the Celtic midday prayer, the sentence "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us" stood out.
Then at evening prayer, the word 'beauty' came up again, in a prayer given by the leader and I suddenly welled up with emotion as an image rose to mind - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches and leaves, thick lead lines, and red shining leaves - and I felt sure and reassured that my tree, the tree whose roots I sensed yesterday, will be beautiful.
Dinner was goats cheese and cheddar tart, with a few tomatoes, accompanied by potato wedges, beetroot, and salad with homemade mayo; followed by fresh fruit salad and cream.
10.16pm
Went to the pub tonight. Had a drink with John, and the chef after he clocked off. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to talk a little Geordie?!
Tomorrow's looking to be another indoors day. I'm hoping I'll be a little less scared to pray, and also a little more connected to the communal morning and evening prayer.

Friday 29th April

7.15am
Last day, I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow. Looks rainy.
10.35am
I had hoped to have a hot breakfast at the nearby cafe, but they hadn't opened by 9.30, I gave up and had a large coffee instead. I've been reading most of the morning.
I stopped to pray, and decided to use one of the exercises I had put together for my Circus Spirit talk on Sunday. I brought them with me, and thank God I did!
I chose the one that just sets out a formula for writing a prayer, and got out my, well I suppose you would call it a prayer diary, of sorts.
It's an old notebook that I used at one time to write my intercessions 3 or 4 years ago, when I first attempted the Daily Offices.
As I started to write, it was a bit of an epiphany moment. The part of prayer that scares me most is thinking my own words to God, but writing them is actually fun! It seems so obvious; I'm always writing, I blog for pity's sake, it's been a natural pastime since I learned my letters as a child.
I think it's going to really help if reincorporate my prayer diary into a routine of prayer.
4.55pm
I've spent most of the day either reading the novel, listening to podcasts, or the radio. Lunch was chicken and veg soup with the usual trimmings. I found out that I had got my wires crossed about where to get a hot breakfast, so I'll try again tomorrow.
This afternoon I also went through my copy of Daily Prayer, going through the notes and writing a summary how-to guide in the cover. I own it so I have no qualms about writing in it, in pencil mind. I also had the great pleasure of spending two hours listening to one of my favourite radio shows live, for the first time in years, because normally I listen to the podcast.
Just been in the sitting room with Betty, John, Anne and Susan (Colin and Avril left yesterday). A banana bread has appeared in the kitchen, as baked goods are wont to do here, every other day or so.
We sat talking about writing novels, cats, Supervet, The Durrells, Home Fires, and then Betty's heartbreaking childhood. Makes me so grateful that I have been blessed and extremely lucky to have a great childhood and wonderful parents.

8.00pm
Dinner was a slight disappointment. I'm not keen on fish or seafood, and it was salmon. I pleaded off having any, and piled my plate with new potatoes, carrots and broccoli, and had the white sauce with parsley. It was alright. Slightly redeemed by two portions of apple crumble and custard!
8.45pm
Just arrived at the pub. Really great folk duo, singers on fiddle and guitar. Beautiful harmonies, she's got a lovely voice, his blends well. I got in as it started to hail.
9.30pm
The third dog just left, leaving two still here. Dogs make a proper pub!
9.35pm
This is a moment of happiness. Cider, book, fire, great music, hubbub of not too many people. Not a care. Maybe a taste of heaven. Got a feel of the eternal, maybe. Music touching my soul, content and on fire.
10.20pm
Nice conversation with a Scottish couple down from Aberdeen, on a whim, for the night, sitting on my table. Actually, I sat at their table.
Do you ever feel that musical talent is inherently attractive?
10.55pm
In bed, about to say (whisper) Compline.
The sky cleared whilst I was whiling away in the pub, so that as I walked back in the crisp, clean air of an island at night (cider jacket keeping me cosy), having said thank you to the Edinburgh duo (I stayed for an extra tune when he cracked out the wooden flute, which was even better when he sang in Gaelic), I gazed up at the perfect sea of stars in the deep blue-black. Bonus of the night was reading the phrase "Jesus cockadoodle Christ!"
O, tonight was indeed rather fabulous.

Saturday 30th April
10.15am
And so it is my last morning. What a glorious morning! Woke up to beautiful sunshine, and now I'm enjoying the great outdoors on this quietly gorgeous island before heading back south.
I'm watching an unfolding drama. A very loud female sheep leading her lamb who stops very often, making mum bleat all the louder. But I'm on the lamb's side - where is she going? She's left the flock behind at this point, totally out on her own.
I'm surrounded by midges, and I'm probably going to catch the sun, again.
10.30am
Can't believe I forgot to mention I got my full English, finally! It was pretty standard, nice enough.
Group of what sound like Germans walking below me, singing.
10.45am
I have solved the sheep drama! Down behind a wall I couldn't see around before, there was another sheep and two lambs. By the reactions when finally the bellow-er and reluctant lamb reached them, one of the new lambs is the twin of the reluctant one.
OMGoodness more drama. They've all moved to the marshy bit and the friend sheep started bleating, and was replied by a fourth lamb on the other side of the water. They've all just raced round to be united; how on earth they all got scattered, heaven knows.
Heading back now, just passed the musicians from last night - he was sporting a marvelous poncho and what I can only describe as a rather suitable minstrel's hat!

11.30am
Parked up in a caf round the corner from the station. Kind of shot myself in the foot with caution. The scheduled time for the causeway to be passable [to get off the island - it's cut off from the mainland at high tide] was 11.15. It's a half hour drive to the station, but I put in some contingency time, and booked a 14.12 train, I suppose thinking I'd grab some lunch.
But because I had a large cooked breakfast at half nine, that does not appeal. So I'm going to nurse a cup of tea here long as I can, then I'll take up residence in the station waiting room.
2.45pm
Thinking of strategies for a new prayer regimen. Last plan was three reminders on my phone at 8.30am every morning - pray, reading, reflection. This meant do one session of some sort of prayer, read the Bible reading for the 'read a Bible in a year' (which I am actually keeping on top of!) and read the reflection on the CofE app.
But there was no schedule, and there couldn't be with my work being so different every day. New plan is be less strict so I don't get as guilty if I don't manage it, and mix up morning/midday/evening/night prayer between CofE and Celtic prayer, and each time I pray I read bible or reflection.
That should work, and can be adapted with different work situations. Have considered putting alarms on my phone, but don't think that'll be good.
4.30pm
Finished the novel.
6.25pm
Just an hour away from home now, so I'll try and wrap up. In some ways, I feel the same way about being on Lindisfarne as I do about being at church. I like the person I am on Lindisfarne, same as I like the person I am at church. It gives me hope that such spiritually motivated settings bring out what I feel is one best in me; maybe that's indicative that that's where I belong in my life.
I've come to terms with a few concerns I had, that were preoccupying me. Staring at the sparkling sea puts you in a useful frame of mind when contemplating tough things in life. Or maybe I was just more open to God's guiding and healing grace.
And I've already talked of my motivation for a routine of prayer. Maybe this is the spark I've been waiting for, the launchpad of the next step in my development.
God knows.

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• Gentleness - if I could be peaceful and quiet elsewhere, God would be as close
• Never alone for God is there
• This period of life is deepening my roots for a secure base
• There is basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God
• Beauty vision - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches, thick lead lines, and red leaves - reassured that my tree will be beautiful
• Use my prayer diary to write prayers
• New strategy for prayer
• reassuring that I find spiritually and/or religiously motivated places bring out the best in me - does that indicate it's where I belong?

Answering some questions

These questions came out of the vocations day I attended a few weeks ago, and I'm finally getting around to trying to answer them.

• Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?

Ultimately yes, but emotionally it would be very challenging to process that I had misinterpreted what I feel as a calling to ordained ministry. Intellectually, I trust God and want to do God's will, so the path via which I'm meant to do that will be the right one. I know that, but it was take a long time to accept if the path is not the one I thought it was, a time of confusion, self-reflection, and a sort of grief I think. I'm looking forward to being ordained, so it was would be sad not to be; but I would hope that with the revelation that I am not called to ordination would come a joint revelation of what I am actually called to, as God has always worked in my life in the form of opportunities at the right moment.

• What is my leadership style?

Embryonic. I'm still very much working on my leadership skills. The confidence to lead I have naturally, but the finesse of a style eludes me. What I do in leadership roles is geared around enthusiasm, attention to clarity and detail, and thoroughness. I can be quite good at anticipating issues and planning accordingly. I'm better at planning and executing a plan than I am at thinking on my feet. I know from feedback that I need to work on my personnel interactions as I can lack subtlety and diplomacy sometimes - I find it hard to 'play the game'.

• What is my heart's desire?

Making the most of life

Expressing and facilitating love

To be good and right, to understand

To support passions, and facilitate understanding

To help inspire God's people to worship and to love

• What are my motivations?

Morality. Love. Thorough understanding.

• How has God used me already?

I suppose in the usual ways as an example for people to see a Christian try and live a good life and not use their religion as a weapon, or a defence, or blackmail, or an alibi; I provide conversation, companionship, advice, comfort etc in some people's lives; I am helping a church community that does great social justice, support, and a sensible evangelism.

• What is the way God calls me?

OPPORTUNITY. I am shown the right step at the right time, it all fits into place and only looking back do I see the pattern. Since I realised I believed in Christ and wanted to follow him, I'm always had a sense that it was important, and that included a vague instinct that I would go into the church some day. That instinct grew into a certainty, then a background niggle, and at the right time it sprang to the forefront of my mind as a necessity. Over the years, the priority of my faith has grown stronger but never too strong within the context of my life within each stage.

• What is the Gospel to me?

A story with a nuanced and deep message of love, forgiveness, a harmony of inner and outer truth, and a call to enter into relationship with God at the heart of the universe. It is the starting point from which we can branch out in all humanity's glorious diversity in understanding the world, and a form of truth (ie a story) which unites us in the core truths we all share.

• How do I know when it is God talking?

After the fact by seeing the consequences of following a course of action.

• What is the church here for?

To be a space for humanity to concentrate on the spiritual, but also the place where they experience God to centre the rest of their life around God. That includes discussion, debate, worship and ritual, song and dance, and creating a community that takes common goals and together go out in the world and achieve them. The church should be a reminder to return to the priorities of love, kindness, and interdependence. The church facilitates the development of relationships with God, with tools, encouragement, and wisdom.

Video: Step Forward 2016

Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.

Entrance hall

The programme looked like this:

10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart

"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones'  to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:

• Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
• Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
• Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain

(details in my blog posts first, second, third and fourth).

The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:

Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality

Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling

Abilities - Communication, Organisation, Energy

Personality - Confident, Generous, Focus, Love, Cheer, Honesty, Passion

Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ

Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).

Window in the main conference room

"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.

After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:

• hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
• non-negotiable icons of Christ
• burden of non-stop priesthood
• learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
• Both in the world and in God's world
• Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
• Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
• Live from within my heart

Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.

Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.

Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.

Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!

Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.

I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates

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On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!

Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.

I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.

How I've changed in the last 6 months

So I'm not yet on the official diocese discernment process, I've only talked to my rector and my curate about my calling, but I've been on a discernment process since the start of September 2015. It's been six months, and yes, it's frustrating that it's taking what feels like forever to feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I was reflecting recently, and looking at myself, I think I have actually already got somewhere.

Six months ago, I was ball of excitement and impatience, and I've got a handle on that now. God is doing what God always does in my life. My path is a series of steps, and I am given the opportunity to progress to the next step ONLY when I am ready, and almost never when I actually

want it. God gives me the amount of time I need on each step to grow and develop in whatever way that step is for - it's like completing a level on a computer game and going up to the next, except I don't know the aim of the step, or how long it will be for, or how many levels there are (I suspect, from the trend of the last 23 years, I won't ever run out of levels), or how close I am to completing it. But I just have to keep faith, because I'm on God's schedule, not mine. That has always been the path that has served me well, and so unsurprisingly, the last 6 months haven't been the purposeless waiting game that they felt like many times.

I am more confident talking about my calling. In my first conversation with the rector, I talked in vague terms and she had to coax me to even say the word 'ordination'. I had generally been embarrassed to talk about my sense of calling, worried about people thinking less of me for listening to the 'imaginary friend in the sky telling you your destiny'.

But I know what I feel. I am called to do the right thing, be a good person and show others they should be too, for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime.  That's what the story of Jesus Christ, the good news, tells me. I am called to be part of God's church, to have role in helping humanity have a relationship with God and the universe that balances inner truth and outer truth in active and reactive harmony. This discernment process is to explore the interpretation of that call that leads me to believe that I can fulfill that call best in the priesthood.

A big part of these last months has been reading the stories of others on their discernment of ordination (see my blog roll), and being inspired and educated. It's inspiring even reading of people who are rejected at BAP, because they don't give up, they keep going in their journey to serve God. That's so encouraging when I face the prospect that it might one day happen to me. And the stories that reach a 'yes' answer from the BAP fill me with hope and excitement that God willing that is what will happen to me.

As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've been working on prayer, knowing that it needs to become the cornerstone of my life. That in itself is a slow process, God and I are something like sporadic penfriends rather than bosom buddies right now, but that's an improvement on relatives who talk 3 times a year because they have to, which is sort of what it was like before I got the massive kick from my calling and started putting some effort in. My main barrier is I am terrible at getting into habits, especially as freelance stage management doesn't have the same routine for more than 4 weeks max. But over this period, I have stopped worrying so much about 'being bad at prayer' or not praying enough, and taking the pressure off makes it less scary. So that's an improvement.


As well as reading blogs, a huge part of my activity has been reading books (see my reading list). I love reading, which is helpful, but it hasn't just been a case of leisurely interest. It has kept my focus, explained about the priesthood, military chaplaincy, prayer, vocations, the theology of Jesus, being friend's with Christ, and whetted my appetite to keep learning, deepen my understanding, and not stop, forever and ever amen. Whilst reading, I get a touch of what a God centred life is like, because they're good at being a constant reminder to turn back to God, to remember God.


It's been a similar thing reading the Bible everyday - the same as the other books, it's turning my focus back to God, back to the divine within the ordinary. My eyes have also been opened to the narrative structure of the OT; before I was used to hearing the individual extracts of specific episodes, and now I have a much clearer understanding of who Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses were.

I worked a job in September/October/November and then took December off to do Christmas at church. Things weren't too bad during that contract; I was excited about setting up this blog, and meeting the rector several times, and simply getting used to starting the discernment process, finding out what it involves and working out how I was going to come at it. Then I did a job January/February, and this happened. I stressed out to the point that I did break down a week before the job ended, and my beloved had to put the pieces back together so I could hobble to the end. That's not job stress. Yes, the job was more stressful than previous jobs, but I think it got to me because I was stretched, torn between two paths that I was attempting to follow simultaneously. I have been challenged to follow my path whilst also working as a Deputy Stage Manager, and basically I think I failed. I'm not sure yet if it was my failing, or an indication that the two are incompatible, but I lean towards the latter.

It was horrible, but I love my job. Even that bastard of a contract was enjoyable. Here and now, reflecting on both jobs, I can see a comparison of the happiness for myself that I get at work vs the joy inspired in me by the happiness of others when I help at church. And it is the latter that feels the most right, and also the more fulfilling. I'm now taking March and April off to do Easter, some more conferences, and a spiritual retreat, and these last few weeks of first recovering, and then setting out my to-do list for church things, and life things, and discernment things - I feel back on track.

Another gain over the last six months has been affirmation, be it not very much so far. Several people when asked have said they think I'd make a good priest, and a couple have said so without prompting.

A more recent change has been starting to appreciate evangelism. You'll remember from my selection criteria video (which was a bit long, true, here's a link to the relevant section of the video) that I don't like charismatic worship, and have issues with the mission element of ministry (this section of the video). Reading about RainbowGirl's similar problems has helped me work through some of my own, and I'm a lot more open to learn about the positive evangelical worship and ethos, without being worried it'll be all conservative negativity.

Changes galore. Baby steps along the path, but at least heading in the right direction and making progress.