How I've changed in the last 6 months

So I'm not yet on the official diocese discernment process, I've only talked to my rector and my curate about my calling, but I've been on a discernment process since the start of September 2015. It's been six months, and yes, it's frustrating that it's taking what feels like forever to feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I was reflecting recently, and looking at myself, I think I have actually already got somewhere.

Six months ago, I was ball of excitement and impatience, and I've got a handle on that now. God is doing what God always does in my life. My path is a series of steps, and I am given the opportunity to progress to the next step ONLY when I am ready, and almost never when I actually

want it. God gives me the amount of time I need on each step to grow and develop in whatever way that step is for - it's like completing a level on a computer game and going up to the next, except I don't know the aim of the step, or how long it will be for, or how many levels there are (I suspect, from the trend of the last 23 years, I won't ever run out of levels), or how close I am to completing it. But I just have to keep faith, because I'm on God's schedule, not mine. That has always been the path that has served me well, and so unsurprisingly, the last 6 months haven't been the purposeless waiting game that they felt like many times.

I am more confident talking about my calling. In my first conversation with the rector, I talked in vague terms and she had to coax me to even say the word 'ordination'. I had generally been embarrassed to talk about my sense of calling, worried about people thinking less of me for listening to the 'imaginary friend in the sky telling you your destiny'.

But I know what I feel. I am called to do the right thing, be a good person and show others they should be too, for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime.  That's what the story of Jesus Christ, the good news, tells me. I am called to be part of God's church, to have role in helping humanity have a relationship with God and the universe that balances inner truth and outer truth in active and reactive harmony. This discernment process is to explore the interpretation of that call that leads me to believe that I can fulfill that call best in the priesthood.

A big part of these last months has been reading the stories of others on their discernment of ordination (see my blog roll), and being inspired and educated. It's inspiring even reading of people who are rejected at BAP, because they don't give up, they keep going in their journey to serve God. That's so encouraging when I face the prospect that it might one day happen to me. And the stories that reach a 'yes' answer from the BAP fill me with hope and excitement that God willing that is what will happen to me.

As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've been working on prayer, knowing that it needs to become the cornerstone of my life. That in itself is a slow process, God and I are something like sporadic penfriends rather than bosom buddies right now, but that's an improvement on relatives who talk 3 times a year because they have to, which is sort of what it was like before I got the massive kick from my calling and started putting some effort in. My main barrier is I am terrible at getting into habits, especially as freelance stage management doesn't have the same routine for more than 4 weeks max. But over this period, I have stopped worrying so much about 'being bad at prayer' or not praying enough, and taking the pressure off makes it less scary. So that's an improvement.


As well as reading blogs, a huge part of my activity has been reading books (see my reading list). I love reading, which is helpful, but it hasn't just been a case of leisurely interest. It has kept my focus, explained about the priesthood, military chaplaincy, prayer, vocations, the theology of Jesus, being friend's with Christ, and whetted my appetite to keep learning, deepen my understanding, and not stop, forever and ever amen. Whilst reading, I get a touch of what a God centred life is like, because they're good at being a constant reminder to turn back to God, to remember God.


It's been a similar thing reading the Bible everyday - the same as the other books, it's turning my focus back to God, back to the divine within the ordinary. My eyes have also been opened to the narrative structure of the OT; before I was used to hearing the individual extracts of specific episodes, and now I have a much clearer understanding of who Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses were.

I worked a job in September/October/November and then took December off to do Christmas at church. Things weren't too bad during that contract; I was excited about setting up this blog, and meeting the rector several times, and simply getting used to starting the discernment process, finding out what it involves and working out how I was going to come at it. Then I did a job January/February, and this happened. I stressed out to the point that I did break down a week before the job ended, and my beloved had to put the pieces back together so I could hobble to the end. That's not job stress. Yes, the job was more stressful than previous jobs, but I think it got to me because I was stretched, torn between two paths that I was attempting to follow simultaneously. I have been challenged to follow my path whilst also working as a Deputy Stage Manager, and basically I think I failed. I'm not sure yet if it was my failing, or an indication that the two are incompatible, but I lean towards the latter.

It was horrible, but I love my job. Even that bastard of a contract was enjoyable. Here and now, reflecting on both jobs, I can see a comparison of the happiness for myself that I get at work vs the joy inspired in me by the happiness of others when I help at church. And it is the latter that feels the most right, and also the more fulfilling. I'm now taking March and April off to do Easter, some more conferences, and a spiritual retreat, and these last few weeks of first recovering, and then setting out my to-do list for church things, and life things, and discernment things - I feel back on track.

Another gain over the last six months has been affirmation, be it not very much so far. Several people when asked have said they think I'd make a good priest, and a couple have said so without prompting.

A more recent change has been starting to appreciate evangelism. You'll remember from my selection criteria video (which was a bit long, true, here's a link to the relevant section of the video) that I don't like charismatic worship, and have issues with the mission element of ministry (this section of the video). Reading about RainbowGirl's similar problems has helped me work through some of my own, and I'm a lot more open to learn about the positive evangelical worship and ethos, without being worried it'll be all conservative negativity.

Changes galore. Baby steps along the path, but at least heading in the right direction and making progress.