Going Further: why are you here and why now?

See this post for an intro to this series.

During their meeting with enquirers, DDOs and Vocations Advisers will want to listen carefully to the vocational stories of the enquirers and to tease out from the enquirers their response to two key questions: ‘why are you here?’ and ‘why now?’  

Why are you here?
My life has been leading towards an inexorable future, and I fully embrace it. I am meant to be a priest, and I want to be a priest. Church is where I belong, and I want to continue the tradition, and also improve it, and provide humanity with the tools for living their lives as God's children; give them liturgy, show them wisdom, encourage dialogue and thinking about divine, philosophical, and ethical matters. I'm not wired to be able to prioritise my relationship with God without having it tangibly at the centre of my life ie. as my job, and my very identity, but it has become my priority to serve God in the best way that I can do, so I must arrange my life accordingly.

I feel such a desire to be a priest, but my calling is more than that. There is a resonance, a rightness to it, like my soul has finally been plugged into the universe and powered up. I think I would be good at it, with the right training, practice, and focus. I've always thought I would become a priest, and when the time came to put my feet on the path, I was overjoyed, terrified, unsure of the exact path ahead of me but sure that ordination was on it somewhere along the line. I think it would suit me, and be the best way for me live to the fullest - "The glory of God is a human being fully alive" (Iranaeus).

I want to nourish people's souls, even if they don't realise it. This is my part of the Church's mission to a tangible expression of God's love to the world, and becoming a priest is the best way for me to do that - it's the only way I'll fully realise it. A constant theme in my life has been stories, and I am called to use stories, listen to stories, be in stories, tell stories, spread stories, explain stories, absorb stories, nudge stories. It is by changing the stories in and the story of the world that we end suffering and bring about the next chapter - the kingdom of God.

Being a priest is the best way for me to do that in the most important context, in people's spiritual lives, their most intimate and personal relationships - with God, others, and the world. A priest has that place in people's lives. People expect you to hear their stories, you're allowed to tell stories, it's not surprising for a priest to get stuck in and change the story; your life is dedicated to the greatest story ever told, you represent that story, people look to you to get to heart of stories, and share the stories that matter. The epitome of that is reenacting the story of the Last Supper in the Eucharist, and meeting Christ at the very human setting of a shared meal. It would be amazing to have authority and duty to introduce people to Christ. It is one of my greatest joys to learn, discuss, teach, and expand my and others' horizons.

It's also important to me to express my identity, and the most important part of who I am is being a disciple of Christ. We are called to evanglise, and I think I am best suited to convey that by my unapologetic identity in devotion to following Jesus. I want to communicate the mission of spreading the good news in people's lives by trusting God to work through me, and being a priest gives me the context to do that. My gift is focus, so it makes sense that my job, and beyond that, my full-time identity, is a religious context, to put my focus to God's work. I want to have the licence to be truly enthusiastic about God and Christ, to really let my geek flag fly. I love God, and if my life can be spent in God's company, doing God's work, spreading God's love, being used by God, every day all day, in my favourite place or with lots of different people, challenged, tested, and maybe in the end doing something that has meaning - that sounds like true happiness.

Why now?
God has always been in my life. When I was a child, it was just obvious, a definite truth I didn't think about. My parents didn't tell me God existed or didn't. But when I read my children's illustrated Bible, I loved it. When I went to a CofE primary school, I learnt the Lord's prayer, said grace, went to church for harvest and Christingles; and it was great, and I wasn't really thinking about God but the worship was positive, and I wanted to keep going to Christingles after I left that school.

I realised as a teenager that I needed to start thinking about things a bit more clearly because we were studying different religions. I came to understand that I had a relationship with God through Christianity as a default setting rather than conscious belief, and that wouldn't do. At that point I actually acknowledged my faith in Christ specifically, rather than as just the version of a story of God that I went along with. I learnt about the variety of beliefs and worship styles and built a picture in my head of what sort of Christian I was, and out of the blue decided to wear a cross to publicly express that. 

God has been working my life in this step by step way the entire time, starting as the distant Father. When I started at SJP, I really started to get to know God in Christ, in fellowship and discipleship. Now I think I'm getting to know God the Spirit, a much longer, deeper process that is wakening my spirit within me. 2015 was a tough year in my spiritual life because I was building my stage management career and kept missing things at church, kept failing to develop a prayer life, and the worst point was not going to Holy Week, and feeling no sense of jubilation Easter morning.

It was at the point at which I tried to buckle down in my SM career that the heavens moved. I was not meant to establish a secular career. One day in September, I got a spiritual kick up the backside, the doors opened, and boom, NOW IS THE TIME.

I had always known this would happen. I recognised my sense of calling at 16, very clearly understanding and instantly accepting that I would end up a priest, eventually, one day. But God's schedule was not the one I had anticipated. The call, the kick, the moment that now, NOW I was to seek out my second and ultimate vocation, came much earlier than I thought. But in the grand scheme, it makes perfect sense that I drop everything and begin the next part of my journey.

My spirituality is blossoming. I've gained 8 years of personal development from my first vocation as a stage manager. I've received 5 years of parish experience and religious development. Continuing in theatre would have pushed my faith to the sidelines. And now the perfect opportunity to begin in ministry itself as plopped into my lap, to be the PA at SMITF. The reason I'm here now is because God has called me now, and God has called my now because it is the right time in my life.

Why I don't think I'm called to be a Lay Reader

Won't be in my wardrobe

The discernment process is not a series of tests and interviews for me to convince the church that I should be a priest, or at least it should not be seen as such. It is not just the hoops I have to go though to attain a dog collar as the end goal. No, the goal is the discernment what I am being called to. The doctrine is that everyone has a vocation, all Christians have a calling (see 1 Corinthians 12), so when someone like me gets the urge to consciously put the effort in the reorientate my life to follow God's will for me, it is key not to just assume that ordination and the priesthood is part of God's plan.

A question amongst the many in this process is "If not ordained ministry, then what?" and it's a question I am rather terrified at looking at. Obviously there's the angle that if I even dare contemplate living my discipleship in another way, it feels like I'm undermining my desire and pull towards the priesthood, like I have to be 100% otherwise I'm a fraud. This is nonsense, but it is my response, irrational as it is, nonetheless.

It's also scary because it throws the net so much wider, and I feel like I'm 15 again in PSHE class, looking at career options. The vastness is daunting, in a murky way, for I know not where to begin and certainly have limited understanding of what my other options actually are.

But there is a clear option top of the list when given alternatives to being priest. Lay Reader, or just Reader I think is the official term. Writing this post was inspired by reading the excellent discernment process blog The Pilgrim Explorer. I've been reading his story in order, and I've just reached 17th Feb 2014, weirdly exactly two years ago last week, when he met an Examining Chaplain who asked him "So why do you want to be an ordained priest and not a Lay Reader?"

Now defining a Lay Reader is tough. I just read through this short but thorough piece, but it is still hard (as the pilgrim explorer himself discusses) to work out a concrete difference between them and non-stipendiary priests. They have some training in theology, and preach/teach, and step in when a parish doesn't have an incumbent. There's a pastoral element to their ministry, and they are often the quiet face of the church, having authority but without the baggage that comes with a dog collar that can put some people off. They also have a job and a secular life. A good blog post by a Reader who contemplated ordained ministry can be found here.

Basically, I get the impression that a priest lives the theology of Sunday, and a reader is involved with the theology of Monday. I think I am the former.

I definitely want to be sacramental, be a direct conduit and facilitator for people's relationship with God. My focus when I think about helping people like that is towards the spiritual within people's lives, not spiritual within the wider world, if that makes sense. I think about serving God, and there's less of the every day - I'm built for the crisis stuff, the stress and emotion including big transitions like marriage and death, and I am drawn to live in the the world of story where people understand their lives, not necessarily in the day to day living of their lives.

ASMing, not what I'm built for

It's very similar to my feelings on being a deputy stage manager not an assistant stage manager. An ASM is on ground level within the cast, just like a Lay Reader operates within a congregation. In stage management, I prefer to work on the behalf of the cast with authority and distance, even though we do create a bond, and know and trust each other. I'm not the voice from on high, but I'm not one of them either.

That's linked to my aversion to the fact that they are most often based in a parish. Yes, there are Reader chaplains, and I'm interested in chaplaincy, but I relate to the clarity that a dog collar provides - being identified as a disciple of God as a defining part of who I am and my role resonates more than just doing the job as a lay person.

It's that focus, that full time lifestyle that suits me better than fitting my ministry around another job. And I also want to operate within the formal structure of the church.

I wonder if I'll remember all that if I get asked the same question in an interview...

Video: Seeing myself in Peter

In reference to the video, this is what I wrote this morning:

"At the moment I'm in the middle of reading the book Jesus and Peter: Growing in friendship with God. I've wanted to get to know more about Peter for a while, and this is the book my rector recommended. I've always liked Peter, but it was this past Palm Sunday that it started niggling at me, because I played the part in our dramatic performance of the Passion story.

(Yes, our church doesn't care about casting historically accurate genders in it's dramas - the point of dramatising the story is to make it more affecting, and seeing your pew neighbour up there denying Christ, betraying Christ, or being Christ makes it very effective, regardless of the gender they are.)

Thinking about Peter as I stood next to the person playing Jesus, it struck me, I think for the first time, how real the people in the gospel stories were."

Will ya just calm down Peter?!

I thought about this when standing with the friend I mention in the video; thought of Peter standing next to his friend Jesus just I was standing next to my friend, and both our friends handing out wisdom and trying to calm us down.

Peter in the gospel is a passionate, hell for leather kind of guy. Good intentions, not so much forethought, rushing in confidently but often crashing around a bit. I can SO relate. Calm, helpful Jesus would probably have had conversations similar to the one my friend had with me, getting Peter to slow down enough to think.

I suspect Peter probably had times when he felt overwhelmed and torn as well, trying to balance talking to Jesus, praying, checking with the others, getting supplies, sorting the money, scheduling the travel plans, keeping all the Jewish needs seen to, eating and drinking right, staying out of the sun when it was hot, keeping up with the news locally and from other cities, maybe even contemplating romance, possibly having medical issues, enjoying getting a tad drunk sometimes, doing a heck of a lot of walking, thinking about his fishing days and missing his dad...Anyway.

Just like I talked about Paul in another vlog, Peter had his period of stumbling, but both men became pillars and leaders in the early church, in Acts. I read the outcome of the their stories and think "Oh I want to get there too! How?!" and the answer is the same as for them: through Jesus. Simple and complex at the same time. At the moment, I have Peter's enthusiasm and Paul's clouded vision. My relationship with Jesus and our journey together mirrors theirs as well - through prayer and community; and their example in the NT's pages gives me courage to keep going.

The book about Peter talks of 'mature discipleship'. That's a great phrase for how I see my calling, the end goal, whether that be in the form of ordination or not. I'm like Paul, without Peter's advantage of being the same spacetime as Jesus the incarnation - my relationship is with the ascended Christ, the Son of the Trinity. So my discipleship is not following him around for three years and sorting his travel arrangements. It's moving towards him in prayer, centering my life on his example, and helping others do the same, bringing humanity closer to the coming of the kingdom of heaven.

He will meet me in prayer, and in community. And very much in the meeting of souls when I talk to my friends. Jesus for me is my friend, the person at my shoulder, often with a warm, comforting, rock solid hand on my shoulder, giving me the strength with the Spirit, wisdom from the Word, and a guiding, if not always obviously, path from the Father.

Video: What I was born to do

(I'm writing this assuming you have watched this video and those videos that are linked in it.)

As hard as it is to think about God's plan for us, it is a very human thing to try and gain a sense of perspective, especially nowadays when we have a greater scientific understanding of the 14 billion years of spacetime, and therefore also of the seeming insignificance of our own 80ish years on one small part of this single planet. Add in millennial issues of what counts as success - as The Circus Spirit are discussing this month, how relevant - and often finding it difficult to deal with failure, either trying too hard or not bothering to try at all, and it's unsurprising that I find it a tough subject.

We want an obvious goal in life. That would make it simple. My rector Lucy likes to tell of someone who told her it was easy - Job House Man Car. Tick all those off, and well done, you've succeeded at life as far as she was concerned. But there is very little that is one size fits all, and so we can't really make it simple.

Do I need to figure out what my list is to tick off for success? On the one hand, having a clearer understanding of what I want out of my life and what I think will make me happy will help guide my decision making, give me something to aim for as a starting point, and who says I can't keep adding things to the list? On the other hand, would I be able to cope with failure, if I were to be so bold as to articulate what I want? It would be hard to shrug off failing at something that I had given the significance of being an official thing to achieve in life.

Have a plan for my life vs. take it as it comes. I suppose I fall into the former camp because I don't just want to wait for opportunity to knock, I want to get out there and be proactive in my own life - "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!" to quote the film The Holiday. If I'm going to do that, then I must have something aim for - proactivity is powerless without direction. If I need something to aim for, doesn't it seem best to
- aim for what is most important
- aim for what makes me happy
- aim for what makes others happy
- and aim for what makes the world a better place?

That's summarised by the Great Commandment - love God, love your neighbour as yourself.

- God is most important, for God is Love and Love is at the centre of all things; so aiming for God is to love God.
- If I do that, I'll be aiming for what makes me happy, because I'll be going in the right direction, going with the grain of the universe and living a life of love, which I've always been drawn to. Love gives us connection to the people and world we live with, which is what gives life meaning.
- Love your neighbour as yourself is literally aiming for what makes others happy, from a place of love that is based on self-love
- and this is the divine game plan that will bring the kingdom of heaven, ie. make the world a better place.

My current thinking is that God wants me to a priest, and I agree that this is an opportunity to make me happy, others happy, and the world a better place, in small ways anyway. So it seems like a good plan to direct my decisions over the next few years.

Was it what I was born to do? The character who sings this song, Campbell, wants to be the captain of her cheerleading squad, and lead them to victory at the national championships. She sees this as the one achievement she was 'born to do'.

But that opportunity is taken from her. She's moved to a new school that doesn't have a squad. Sadly, she still thinks it's the entire point of her life, so she lies and cheats to make the dance crew into a squad to take them to regionals then nationals, in an attempt to achieve her raison d'etre. She can't accept the failure so she ends up ruining burgeoning friendships when her deception is revealed.

But there are two characters with better perspective and more maturity than her, and show her where she went wrong and what is really important. Randall explains how high school is not the be-all-and-end-all of life (shockingly) and there are much bigger dreams to dedicate your life too; and Danielle, seeing that she and her crew have got something out of the cheerleading they've been doing despite the deception it was based on, gives Campbell a second chance, giving her a different reason to compete.

They go to compete, but they ignore the rules, forget about winning, and just be themselves, expressive, excited, a crew that loves being with each other and excelling at what they love together. They don't win and Campbell's old team do, but Campbell realises that she won is everything else that matters.

It's a daft show, with great music and a lot of comedy, but that story dealing with not getting what you dreamt of, and realising you don't have to be restricted by your own expectations of your life - that's deep, man.

How do I know I've succeeded? Do I need to know what I was born to do to do it? Do I need to do it? Campbell's story can say several things. You might be wrong about what you were born to do, and if that's the case, it's not the end of the world. A goal is not bigger than the life you have already, especially the people and relationships in it, and should not take precedence over them. Understanding where your life is going is a process, and it's helpful to gain perspective, so you aren't narrow minded and restricted in where life takes you, which in turn restricts your opportunities for happiness and success.

It's counter intuitive, but by not letting the 'goals to succeed in life' that you might have gain too much importance, you will have to greater chance at succeeding in life.

For me? I can't let go a vague plan and some ideas of what I want. That plan is based on ideas of who I am, going back to Hank's video. I have labels for myself too, but he's right that really, we can never be sure of who we are. To paraphrase, I am a story I tell myself, which means it's subjective, incomplete and a little bit of a lie; not just what I was born with but the result of many factors, including the expectations from others and myself. The plan can't be sure because who I am is not sure. The plan cannot be consistent, because I am not consistent.

So I should give up wanting the plan to be sure and consistent, and give up living like the expectation of how I live my life is the only factor. I want to be doing a good job becoming the kind of person I want to be; but these wants and ideas should just be tools, not boxes.

What does a lay person want out of a priest?

So this post comes as part of my response to the Criteria, details here. As I said in that blog post, I want a list of what I think makes a good priest whilst I still write from the perspective of a lay person, so that I won't forget, or dismiss it as I go further down the path looking at it from the Church's point of view.

These are the characteristics I think are expected in a priest. But let's be clear that this does not mean I assume they will always be met. Laity should never hold priests up against a scale of perfection, as they are flawed human beings as well.

Decency
The first attribute that comes to mind is I want to know a priest is a good person. Not a perfect person but it should be a defining characteristic that they are a positive force in the world. I want to be be able to be confident that a priest has good intentions, never dominated by anything selfish or destructive.

Being wise doesn't need an armchair
but is does help the image!

Wisdom
This one's an odd one, but I have to admit that there is an expectation that a priest is a resource for
perspective, comfort and guidance. It is a lot to ask, but it comes with the position of authority within a spiritual context. I don't mean I think they should have all the answers. But there is an assumed level of knowledge of the wisdom of generations before us - ie. Church tradition and philosophy - that should influence their reactions and contributions.

Effort and reliability
Now, I don't want this to be a paragraph about self-sacrifice, but I think a priest needs to put the effort in. They have to try. Laity should be able to rely on the clergy to put effort in where others might give into the temptation not to, and sometimes that will include going the extra mile. It's not the same as other jobs where you can get away with 'doing the minimum'; it doesn't work like that. Clergy are human beings, they have a right to down time, and a personal life, but that has to come with an understanding that you can't be off the clock - you're never again be not ordained.

Being there
Again a bit odd, but when I say I think part of being priest is just being there, I mean exactly that. I suppose it ties in with the previous paragraph. There's an element of presence, a go-to place that is accessible. It's like when I set up my uni's first LGBT+ society - we didn't actually do much the two years I was running it, but constant feedback was an appreciation that it was there at all.

Be approachable, but maybe not as
creepy as Buddy Christ here.

Approach-ability
I started going to church on a regular basis whilst travelling, and a classic part of visiting a new church on a Sunday morning is being able to go up to the clergy afterwards and have a little chat. It's hard to go up to new people and introduce yourself, to try and engage with a community, but there should be a higher level of comfort going up to a priest, a confidence that they will happy to talk to you, interested in why you're there, and maybe even a gateway into being introduced to regulars, lay congregation members who are less intimidating once the priest has broken through that barrier for you.
And just branching out, it's the same for clergy who aren't parish priests. Chaplains, missionaries, 'pioneer ministers', deacons, cathedral staff, bishops even, teachers, diocese staff - there is a responsibility that goes with being ordained, in whatever capacity you operate in, to be open to engaging with those who approach. Basically, you have a lot less leeway before you are being rude or flaky.

Patience and tolerance
Priests minster to people, and people come in all sorts of varieties, and many are not all that great. Humanity can be dull, irritating, rude, opinionated, loud, obnoxious, snooty, the list goes on and on. The key is not having to somehow achieve a truly open heart and manage never to be irritated or bored etc; priests are people and sometimes people rub each other the wrong way. No, having more genuine tolerance is helpful to be fair, but patience is basically exercising tolerance, even if it's not there. Priest can't act intolerant, whether or not they are finding it difficult to tolerate somebody. Embodying the calling of expressing Christ's good news means having the patience to tolerate the intolerable. And to quote my rector, this doesn't mean rolling over and being a doormat. Some situations need a firm response - the point I'm trying to articulate is that response should never be a harsh/obvious rejection. Am I making sense?

Non-judgement
Once more this links in, especially with tolerance. As laity, I would really like to be able to tell my priest anything and not be judged for it. Yes, sometimes I am looking for their opinion, but I want to have to ask for a decision on a point of morality, rather than having a moral judgement passed on what I've told them automatically. And I certainly expect a priest to not let any judgements they have about me/my behaviour influence how they treat me.

Okay, that's a nice Jewish seven, so I'll leave it at those key elements.

Reasons I think I'd make a good priest/want to be priest

(See also my post on Why I don't think I'm called to be a Lay Reader.)

This is a hard exercise. Not because I haven't thought about and have a few ideas of why I think I would suit being a priest, and I certainly know why I want to be a priest; no, I find it difficult to stop myself feeling like I'm bragging, or being attention seeking. I've said it before on this blog, it feels like saying "look at me, I'm special", and no reasoning with myself has been enough to convince me that it isn't that.

Rationally, I understand it is important for me to be able to articulate evidence for my position, defend that position. I'm not going to be attacked per se, but I will be challenged, rightly so, questioned heavily to explore my sense of calling and what it will mean for my future, in a tangible way for other people (ie the Church) so they can be sure of implementing changes in my life.

So that's what I'm going try to do. Here goes.

Why do I want to be a priest?

To quote my spiritual journal (SJ): "It seems inescapable, inevitable and wholly desirable."

I want to be able to live my life as a disciple of Christ, because I think following the good news is the way the majority of people could live their lives and move closer to the coming of the Kingdom, establishing a closer relationship with God and therefore improving life for all.

I have had a niggling suspicion that I might be ordained since my late teens, and that hasn't scared me. It's felt comforting, I've been looking forward to it. I realised at about the same time that my faith has progressed in clear steps, thoroughly, from the ground up. I've always been given an opportunity, pointed towards the next step, at exactly the moment that I have gone through and become comfortable with the last. That upward gradient naturally carries on to ordination in the future, in my judgement of the evidence.

I can't imagine life ending up any other way. I can't see myself managing to fully live my calling to be a disciple of Christ any other way. Knowing that I could put my faith in the centre of my life in an all encompassing way? That's what I want. I won't manage to live that way, the way I want, if I carry on with just a secular job. How can I best Love God, Love Neighbour? (SJ)"Doing what I think is good, standing against wrong that I encounter, preventing wrong happening. Show love, mercy and forgiveness to all those I encounter in my life." And I have no ambition in stage management, I don't want to make a career out of it. Being a priest is the right method for me to do God's work, and it's becoming obvious that it is the best choice for me.

The church services that I connect with most are the ones when I'm at the front. I'm the cantor, or I'm a server. I'm an active role in the worship, and able to be part of the team that provides the service for others to use as worship.

Why do I want to be a priest? Stories. They are the essence of life, at least in my understanding of it. I love telling them, reading them, watching them, living my own story, being part of other people's, listening to others tell their own or another's, facilitating the telling of them. My holy scripture is in a narrative form - that's the story I want to share and blend into my own. "In church we don't just tell the story [of the Passion], we live it together day by day by eating and drinking together in this Eucharist" (I'm quoting this sermon by my rector).

What am I passionate about? Doing the right thing. Being a good person and showing others they should too for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime. That's what the story tells me.

And to quote my spiritual journal again: "I want to serve, devote my life to God's will and God's people, spreading the story, and bettering the world in the aspiration for the kingdom of God."

Why do I think I'd be a good priest?

When I first got an inkling of a call, I would not have made a good priest. I was proud, blunt, inconsiderate, only just reconnecting with others after years of loneliness, quick to take offence and slow to forgive.

But the core parts of me were appropriate; there was groundwork for a holy life. I've always been passionate, and focused. I have a strong confidence that I think comes from a bedrock of trust in God, and a positive outlook on life. When I commit, I'm dedicated, and even back then I would go the extra mile for projects or for other people. I've always felt an intense connection with love, though at the time, hormones influenced where I focused my energies! Eros was my idol for a while, I will admit that; I was not immune to the angst of the teen years.

But in the years since, I have grown into a stronger sense of agape. As I've written before, I committed to self-improvement when I realised I was not coming across in a particularly universally liked way, so I learnt patience, forgiveness, greater consideration, grew a thicker skin and calmed down my rather aggressive style. I refuse to hold grudges or stop giving people chances. I'm now a good listener for example, I have been told a number of times since; I genuinely enjoy hearing people talk and gaging how to respond to them. Doing stage management has been a training ground for ministry, for sure. There is change, pressure and stress, with a need for balance and flexibility (I'm paraphrasing the Summary of Criteria) in all that stage management do, and I have been developing the skills for just that. Now I'm the one on the team who takes joy from what I can, big or small, and shares that with others.

I think a gift I can bring is helping others see the sacred in the secular. And it might sound illogical if I can't claim to manage to do so in my own life, but helping others is an overall theme I want in my life, and however odd it seems, that feels like part of that theme. You'll see in my profile that "I feel like a good word to sum up who I am and what I do is 'Facilitator'" and I stand by that as supporting my opinion that I would make a good priest.

If I look at the 'official gifts', I'd say my top 3 are mercy, faith and hospitality, with also discipleship and possibly a little wisdom. I feel able to say I have integrity, and an innate honesty. My natural abilities are confidence, love, generosity, and focus. I'm a very good confidant. 

It baffles me that people can act maliciously for their own purposes - the idea of manipulating a situation for my own gain as the primary motivation never occurs to me. Lying is basically out of the question, and breaking the rules has to come from a very strong understanding of how fundamentally wrong the rules are. 

Why do I think I'd be a good priest? Because I'm a good stage manager. Because I want to, including being open to learn, change and improve. I suppose because I'm meant to - I trust God has given me the gifts to answer this call faithfully, that doing so to best of my abilities will be enough. Because I can love, and lead, and comfort, and help. Because I love the church. Because I want to put my relationship with God first. Because I want to be the light of the world and the salt of the earth. Because I think it is a job and a life that I would enjoy, love doing and being, and be good at.