Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: Thirteenth visit to the rector

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session Four

(Yes, I missed the third one!)

This post details my experience of Session Four of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one and two to find out what the TOM course is.

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Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

This was a slightly odd session for me because it was taken by Revd. Lucy Winkett, who is my sponsoring priest. She was talking about ministry, what it is, how she goes about it, what is expected of us and what is important. I was reflecting on the bus home that it was like reading an essay breaking down a piece of music and explaining all the component parts, but I recognised it, I knew what it sounded like because I had seen it played out for years.

I was also once again bowled over by my luck that I know her and have been able to learn from her, let alone work closely with her on my discernment journey. People were queuing up to talk to her at the end and I was completely unsurprised. 

She introduced herself and explained that she would "do theology the way I know how to do theology" which is in a relational way, so she had stories and props. a bit about herself include the struggle of training for ministry at a time when women couldn't be priests, making the point that even if things look impossible, "you just have to start". "Discerning my vocation has never stopped" as it's a life long task and we "never stop learning".

The phrase "exercising" ministry was rejected. The important starting point is that our greatest calling, our deepest calling is to be a human being made in the image of God - "to be you as God made you" and "relate to other people as Jesus did". The Holy Spirit "is a dynamic and live Spirit" which sometimes the institution can confine; the balance needs to be struck between necessary competency and freedom of that fundamental calling.

Lucy's didn't quite look like this
 but you get the idea

Her first prop made me smile when she took it out of the bag. It was a scallop shell; specifically The scallop shell on a string that she wore during her cycled pilgrimage down the Camino de Santiago, which is the Way of St James, and a symbol of that saint, so very much an image within the life of St James' Piccadilly, my and Lucy's church. She gave this backstory and made the connection that pilgrimage is to "make a faithful journey with a purpose" is also a description of life.

The shell reminded her  that she doesn't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so she can't lose her sense of adventure. There's a danger that it can lost in the church's repetition, which leads to the disillusion quest for control.


Second out of the bag came a stole, a red one she was given in Jerusalem. She covered its practical symbolism, that of the towel Jesus wrapped around himself to wash the disciples feet, putting it on in the fashion of a deacon - "look a bit like Miss World" -  and then as the 'yoke' of a priest, 'my yoke is easy, and my burden is light' - of the life of a priest, "deep, deep down it's a life you're asked to love". Following your calling can be hard but God works like satnav, so even you divert off-course, the path is just recalculated so you still end up where God wants you to be. Lucy reassured of this gentle "movement of the Spirit."


The third prop was a Bible. This must infuse our lives, but it gets"tribalised" and that must be resisted. Ministers must know, read, love, and be instructed by scripture. "Encounter it every day" and it will make you counter-cultural, making sure the encounter is a conversation, even if it's an interrogation, where you wrestle with it like Jacob and the angel [at this point she grabbed hold of the pages in demonstration, gripping them in her fists, which was quite effective for being so startling]. And the encounter should be with your head, your heart, and your feet, getting out and being with people to meet Jesus.



Next was the topic of Holy Communion, combining the Bible and the stole in the importance of being rooted and grounded in Word and Sacrament; that's what it means to be a priest in the CofE. It's the one true thing that defines and separates a priest, being the only one who presides at the Eucharist. Being called to be a priest is to be called to stand at a crossroads, at the boundary "between time and eternity" as well as going to the edge, to the margins.

Mary Poppins-like, the props bag produced another item, this time a tennis ball, which Lucy proceeded to chuck back and forth amongst the bemused candidates. Don't forget to play was her point. "I realised that 'church fun' isn't actual fun" was met with much hilarity. Do things that you enjoy, and when you're in a position of leadership, bring those ideas to planning church events, get 'actual fun' into church life. One of Lucy's common sayings is "warm white wine and Twiglet just don't do it for me".

In a more serious vein, we are called to emulate what Paul calls kinosis, the emptying of God. But if we are to give ourselves away, play "insures there is a self to empty". Jesus was emptied on the cross but was also resurrected, so we're not called to be completely laid waste. And your misery as a minister could cause havoc. "As a basic, you do have to like people," she said, which means you need to know yourself and how you connect best and find that balance. Extroverts [like me] need to learn to not always be with people all the time. It's not necessarily a goal of 'emotional harmony' in a community; to build an apostolic church is to have a outward-looking community of combined celebration and forgiveness.

Our last prop was an air raid helmet. The obvious is true, that priests need a bit of a thick skin, but beyond that "I think priests should get into trouble...good trouble." Conflict isn't inherently bad; the creative possibility it creates should be moved towards rather than avoided. There's a strand of ministry to be prophetic ie see what others overlook, and developing a "theology of your own mistakes" can help build that creative environment where all "feel equal enough to disagree".

Moving away from the visuals, Lucy reclaimed a maligned Biblical character as a model for priesthood - Martha. She's known for being practical, and being a priest is a practical job - you've got to roll your sleeves up sometimes. And after Lazarus died, she was proactive, confronting Jesus and showing an example we should follow in prayer, in being honest when speaking to God. That speaking up, that "naming what is stinking", that harks back to the prophetic, passion for justice, and getting into trouble for it. And she also "names the truth", contemplative in a way Peter isn't (Peter ends up having a row with Jesus).
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So cleverly, I have made notes from the Q&A but did not write down the questions, some of which I cannot remember. For the first question I wrote down "miraculous God - the reality is so far away, obviously fear but need to trust, then can accept that."

Next I wrote the Yiddish saying "Man plans. God laughs" which I rather like and resonates with my own story.

I do remember that the next question was something like 'which is more important, Scripture or Sacrament?' and I wrote "in the end, scripture and eucharist are inseparable - cannot dispense with either - confidence vs rigidity" that last bit referring to the argument in the church over the relative importances, and you should have confidence in your own spirituality and tradition without being rigid about it."priests - narrators, "keep saying what you believe and try and live it."

Then came a question about boundaries. Priests should be "seen to be open and fair" - boundaries are important but difficult. There is a restlessnesss in relationships with congregation members that you don't have with friends, and that comes from your responsibility as a leader/
Sidenote about friends from before your ordination - keep hold of them! You will end up reworking them but you need them, even if they say things like "don't you put your vicar face on!"

This segued into a conversation about being visibly a priest in public, such as "people love watching what vicars buy" and her anecdote about being mistaken for a strippergram. She brought it round to the serious point that you don't actually have to be this glorified and unrealistic ideal people expect of you being 'holy'. Jesus is a visceral example of not being 'holy' in the expected way. Don't worry about what people think.

The last question was a candidates fear about his lack of musical ability. Lucy connected this with the previous question, opening it up to encourage everyone to have an opportunity to not be good at something, as omnipotent priests discourage volunteers!

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

Future sessions will be:

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Video: DDO 6 / The Rector's Reference

Since seeing the DDO, I have seen the rector's reference and it's such a relief. It's very positive and shows the depth that Lucy has tried to get a sense of where I'm at, to be sure of her judgement before committing herself to sponsoring me, and I wouldn't expect anything less of her, though of course her doing that has made her feel at times incomprehensible and inaccessible to me.

The reference reflects and clarifies my own understanding of our journey together, which is reassuring, and I am deeply grateful for all her past, current, and continuing support. Her importance lies as my sponsoring incumbent, but I can't help being also aware that support from someone so loved, respected and admired in the Church on a national level is quite the feather in my cap.

Counter to my last statements in the video, if nothing happens for a time, I have a few things to talk about on this blog before the process continues, including the Towards Ordained Ministry course I start on Monday and a week shadowing a priest in Scotland in February, both of which are important parts of my journey I think, so you can look forward to those, plus Gabriel Collective's Leicester Event on Feb 4th, which should include the rather daft promo video which I'll tweet next week @TechieGeorgina. Because it's in February, we're doing luuuurve as our theme! If you fancy joining us, check out the above link and let me know if you're coming!

I also had my second session with a spiritual director yesterday, and it's basically going how I thought it would after finding out what spiritual direction is about, and I like her, I think she's helpful; and it was a well-timed week that the day before, the Pastoral Assistants support group had a session talking about one's inner life as the source of strength and understanding from which to centre the rest of one's life. So after feeling like I'd spiritually unplugged when I went back to my parents over Christmas, I'm inspired to redouble my spiritual efforts.

Video: Twelfth visit to the rector

The topic Lucy emphasised in our conversation was 'unmendedness', that of others and that of yourself, and coping with it as a priest. It isn't skill, but wisdom, part of the wisdom of just being a person - remaining 'alive' inside, and finding strategies that keep you connected.

Sometimes there's a temptation to 'pastoral lust', the desire to give someone clear direction because you think you can fix their life. But Lucy said you are always wrong. You've got to let people go to hell in their own way; your job is to accompany them but not end up in hell yourself. The way to do that is getting into your own mess. The harsh truths about myself don't stop here, the job is a perpetual journey and the harsh truths keep coming. The strategies that keep you connected have to deepen your trust in God.

It was all very interesting and really getting into the formation nitty gritty of priesthood, the personhood that is essential, the wisdom that must be opened to rather than learnt like a skill.
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Since things are going to get serious once the DDO kicks off the next stage, Lucy also wanted to make sure I don't approach this like any other job interview, like some exam or achievement to attain. As much as positive thinking and optimism is essential to fend off despair and hopelessness, neither extreme is the right attitude.

Between getting a BAP date and going on it, Lucy recommended that I take some time out to truly imagine getting a 'no', or a 'not yet'. It's important that I don't lose sight of the reality of the possibility that that will be my result. The way I put it was that I'm consciously trying to keep my attitude in the 'if' space. I never say 'when I go to theological college', only 'if'. Otherwise I'm really risking my emotional health.

That's about it, the cliffsnotes version anyway. See you after the next meeting!

Video: This is what discerning feels like/DDO 5

This won't make sense unless you watch the video, which is clips from 5th December and 15th December so make sure you watch it first:

This post was written throughout the following weeks since the video over Christmas.

I will paraphrase the report, as it is a personal document between me, my DDO, and the psychotherapist who wrote it, so I'll try not to break confidence and quote it directly. The part that caused concern was it was felt that my emotional maturity still needed some development; that I didn't let or allow painful experiences affect me ie. I put truly difficult feelings at a distance. This led to doubts that I should go forward for selection at this time. It wasn't a 'no', just a 'not yet'.

Firstly, I'll step back and address why this was flagged; why, if it's true, this is a problem for a potential priest. Lucy was helpful in explaining this context. It has become an important part of the discernment process that as well as assessing whether someone has the call, would be good at the job, and would an asset to the Church and its congregations, etc, there's also an emphasis on assessing whether they will be able to handle the job, and can look after their own health and mental health.

Priests are under so much pressure and encounter so much of the drama of life, so much of other people's suffering, that without the proper tools - eg understanding how they work best, having a support network that is reliable, making good use of that network, having stable strategies to deal with their own emotions in emotional situations - they will probably eventually implode or explode, or 'burn out' as is the common phrase.

This is referencing Criterion D: Personality and Character, which says "Candidates should be sufficiently self-aware, mature and stable to show that they are able to sustain the demanding role of an ordained minister. They should be able to demonstrate how they have faced change and pressure in a balanced and flexible way and how they manage stress." To evidence this to the selectors, candidates "should be able to speak of how they have coped with difficult life experiences, how they have reflected upon them and incorporated them within their life and understanding."

Drawing further from the criteria, I don't think the therapist thought I am completely reconciled to my own vulnerabilities and limitations, and she had worries about my capacity to assimilate and deal appropriately with my own response to negative or difficult life experiences. If I were to be a priest like this, the chances are that it would break me.

Talking with Lucy was tough. I felt like she really jumped on this as a grade A excuse to stop me going forward, making suggestions of what I could do instead in September, like spending a year at a L'Arche community. I was glad I went to her, because she emphasised the importance of not thinking about the timing, not letting the practicalities cloud my thinking about the important stuff, which was in fact discerning something personal. But it was disheartening that she seemed quite so keen to stop me; she did say she would support me if I decided to continue, but with a look that suggested she was already trying to work out how to comfort me when I get rejected. But this could just be bias based on residual resentment from the first part of our exploration, when I was wrongly frustrated at her.

I have since talked to my parents, who have the advantage of coming at this report with a fairly comprehensive understanding of my emotional/psychological history, and I was unsurprised that it was this conversation that has been most helpful. I can now see the grain of truth that the psychotherapist was trying to point out. She didn't get it right, of course not, she met me for only 90minutes, so she over-estimated what she saw. But she did identify something that could be a problem if I went ahead unaware of it.

I do compartmentalise when it comes to crisis or problem-solving or being helpless. And there have been times that I have parked my emotional response to a situation over to one side and not dealt with it as well as I could have. But it's not something I do every time. Most of the time I do deal with it, but up til now it's not been a conscious process - I've been lucky that without realising I needed something, like to do something about the situation, or talk to my boyfriend, or go out with friends, or take a day to myself, or whatever the strategy was, I did it without thinking. So the times I didn't handle it well were the times that I wasn't lucky, that I didn't accidentally sort myself out. Now I'm aware of my lack of strategy, over the next few years I can put conscious thought into what I need and eventually those moments of failing to deal properly will be very rare and not based on accidental luck.

Pausing the discernment process now isn't going to help. Yes, there are things I could do to show I have started addressing the issue raised, and talking to my landlord who is studying to be a priest himself, I understand I can't just give empty reassurance that I will mature in my relationship with my emotions - they need hard evidence, so I will have to do one or two of those things, like work experience with a prison chaplain or volunteering for the Samaritans. Lucy was keen that I get more experience of being in situations where someone is suffering and I cannot fix it, which mean I can't respond with action, and those seem more plausible options than her main suggestion.

Sure I can see her concern that if I was plopped into a job as priest right now, I might not cope so well. That's what the psychotherapist thought as well. But I'm not going forward to be a priest now. I'm going forward to selection for training. Three years of academic study and formation at college, then three to four years of experience and formation in curacy - this will bring me to being a minimum of 31yo before I am officially able to work as an unsupervised priest, and 31yo me will look a lot different to 24yo me. She'll have learnt about herself and gone through years of life, and life generally matures you even if you resist. And now I'm forewarned of one of the issues to put some effort into developing, I'm doing the opposite of resisting!

This report hasn't been given to me to stop me. Like I said in the video, I would know something like that in my gut, in my bones. It's not got the feeling of a change in direction. No, this was handed to me as an opportunity to start digging into myself below the surface, and listen to the people around me. I had a similar experience in the first year at Guildhall, so God has precedent doing this in my life. That time I needed to become more aware of myself and some of my faults to get into the right frame of mind to train as a stage manager; this time I need to do the same and go deeper, building on everything my 8 years in backstage theatre has given me, to begin the second stage of my vocation, and become the priest I'm meant to be.

As Lucy and I discussed, this is what discerning feels like. This is the inward looking journey that I need to go on, because it's not just the Church that needs to get to know me - I need to learn more about myself as well. This has been hard. As you can see, I got this news weeks ago and it's only now that I'm getting a handle on what it means for me. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had issues to resolve - you can see in the video how determined I was in my initial reaction to circumvent the long hard look at myself to which Lucy pushed me. But this is what is needed. Even if I become the Archbishop of Canterbury - first among equals, primate, archbishop, bishop, priest - I am always laity first, a frail human being that is a single part of the body of Christ. If I don't know who I am as a person, I won't come to know myself as a priest.

I want to see Lucy one more time before I go back to the DDO and tell him I want to continue. Hers is always a useful insight and I want to further our conversation with the developments in my own thinking since our last meeting. I've also received a 'write something every day for 365 days' notebook for Christmas, and I've challenged myself to express my emotions in this notebook - not what I think, but how I feel, and it's already proving that I'm not very clear on my own emotions, so hopefully it'll be another useful tool in self-awareness.

Post Script
As for the priest's report, to be honest it was just really nice. He said I seemed to have two sides, a more precise side and a wilder side, and he said that as a compliment, he found me to be engaging; and it's also had quite an impact on me by pointing out that I do in fact have quite a dedicated prayer life, I've just been too perfectionist about it. This was useful to have pointed out, and I'm less anxious now about feeling inadequate vis a vis prayer. Those are the things that have stuck with me, so I'm not going to get it out and analyse further.

Happy New Year! (Next time you see me, I'll be filming on my new camera, wahoo!)

Video: Assessments coming up

5/11/16

Contrary to my last statement in the video above, it's not the latest update, I just didn't get round to putting it up before I filmed the next video! That one ^ was about how I'm feeling about the forthcoming Examining Chaplains, and the next one below is about my chat with the rector about how to go about them. You also get a great opportunity to compare what I look like with and without make up!

9/11/16

Video: Big news about next steps

That's it, that's the news. That happened Saturday, then Monday I got a phone call from the DDO to arrange a meeting, and suddenly it's happening this Wednesday morning! It's like everything has been calm and serene, then a tidal wave has come out of nowhere and knocked me over and now I can't tell which way is up.

I sort of can't believe it's actually happening. This mysterious 'discernment process' that I've heard others talk about, and imagined what it might be like, is now going to be revealed to me. I'm going to do it, me. This is not a drill people, this is go time, we're going over the top!

I'm a little speechless to be honest, which you might have been able to tell in the video. I suppose it had got to the point that, whilst I had not given up that this day would come, I had at least stopped looking towards it any more.

Blimey charlie. Well, I'll see you on the other side.

Video: Eighth visit to the rector

One of the things that I didn't mention in the video was at one point in our walk, I said something about God being a river that flows in my life, which was an idea I hadn't hit before, so I wanted to explore it a little

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Excuse me a moment as I indulge in my love of Disney classics. There are two lines about rivers I want to reference from the film Pocahontas

Chief Powhatan sings to his daughter "As the river cuts his path, though the river's proud and strong, He will choose the smoothest course - that's why rivers live so long. They're steady, as the steady beating drum."

Proud and strong

Pocahontas, after he has left, says "He wants me to be steady like the river. But it's not steady at all!" then she sings "What I love most about rivers is you can't step in the river twice; the waters always changing, always flowing."

You can't step into the same river twice

And as much as it's one of Disney's heavy-handed metaphors, both lines are useful to me in describing a little of God's role in my life. God operates as both types of river, the strong, steady one that knows the best course, and the water that is never the same, bringing renewal and surprises just around the river bend.

Rapids of being caught up in divine intervention

The metaphor can go further. God as water is a common Christian theme - life giving, cleansing, pure, necessary, naturally occurring trinity (solid, liquid, gas), precious, etc. As a river specifically, there are lots of tributaries within my soul that run into and join God at the centre; sometimes God is a still pool within me and I can float on the surface, reveling in being surrounded and held up by God; sometimes God's a ferocious rapid that whips me off my feet and carries me off on a bumpy ride where I can only catch glimpses of the direction/destination when I manage to break the surface for air before being sucked under again.

Do you still wait for me, dream giver,
 just around the river bend/?

What I was thinking of as I strolled through the park with the rector and her dog was that God is a continual current running under me as I sit in the boat of my life. God catches my eye occasionally with a dazzling sparkle, or sends me down the unexpected fork, or just suddenly becomes a waterfall. But even though I sometimes lose sight of the river, and am deluded that the boat is all there is to reality, it doesn't matter because God is still holding me up, guiding me down if not the smoothest course, then at least the one of God's choosing, steady in the sense that God is always there, immovable and relentless.

More and more unexpected waterfalls

I think my problem is sometimes I take God for granted. The fact that I can trust in ending up on the
right course doesn't mean I don't have a responsibility to maintain and improve that boat in response to the river's design. It's a smoother ride when God nudges me towards a different fork if I change my sails to line up with that, and even paddle in support of the new direction. I've learnt a lot of that submission in the last year as I've become more aware of the need to 'listen' to the river on my life that is God, the need to expand my knowledge so, like a theological Bear Grylls, I can read the workings of God around me, in me, and through me, and respond to work in tandem with that river, not against it.

Video: 3rd chat with curate / 7th chat with rector

Sixth chat with the rector

On 22nd June 2016 I met with the rector again. We talked first of Scotland, as I spent a week staying with friends -

[*Side note about my time in Scotland*

My trip did not involve bagpipes.

The household was one preteen, one teen, mother and father. The latter is a parish priest, so I put my vocation hat on at various points throughout the week. Talking about my vocation to a priest who is a personal friend, more catholic than me, with a very different disposition (read: quiet, composed, academic introvert), a parish priest in Scotland not England (so working for the Scottish Episcopal Church, which is Anglican but not CofE), and not of my hyper-liberal millennial bubble, was a good experience for me. He was very helpful talking about ministry, and let me sit in on a meeting with the pastoral group, and overall it was interesting seeing a priest at close quarters in the home, hearing about and seeing the day-to-day rhythm, and events and tasks involved in the job.]

- but we quickly got down to business. Last time we met, she said she would talk to the curate, talk to my clergy line manager at SMITF, and read some blog posts/watch some vlogs. She also said that she had talked to the ADO (area director of ordinands), the person to whom she will send me when she writes a reference. I was hoping to get that process going this summer, but she put her cards on the table - she doesn't want to, yet.

Disappointed panda is disappointed

So let's address the disappointment here before I continue. Yes, it's disappointing, especially as she doesn't want to refer me for at least another few months probably, bringing my total exploration pre-official discernment process to a year.

Following your calling is often an endurance test against frustration and human gatekeepers, a feature of our chosen paths about which the writer of this blog and I have commiserated each other. It sometimes feels like God is reaching into your life and deliberately putting things in the way of the path you want to take. Apparently, the path you want to take is never the one God wants you to take, even though you're trying to follow God's calling in the first place! I've mentioned God breaking down my expectations before, so really it's my own fault that I built up another plan for the future, another set of expectations to meet, not learning from the past at all. It's just so counter-intuitive to have the level of no control that even includes no expectations, I'm finding it very tricky. Doesn't stop God, God's plans still chug along, it just leads to disappointment for me. So I'm trying not to let the disappointment hang around. I do trust in God ultimately, it's not a crushing defeat, there are no crushing defeats in following God if I listen to what I'm being told to do, so I have confidence that all shall be as it should.

It was really helpful that she expanded her reservations - we engaged in discussion about how I had not given her a sense of my faith. It was in the context of 'resilient faith', an important thing to have but also, crucially, for selectors to see that I have, as it is a serious risk that in the the first few years of ministry, new priests get burnt out without the sustenance of robust faith. So over the time that we've spent talking, she hasn't seen evidence of 'who I am in the light of God' and what my relationship with God is like.

I've got to admit, I was a little astonished. Of the nine criteria, Faith was not on my list of concerns. I suspect that it's such a fundamental part of my life, it's so obvious as a basis for my calling, I've not acknowledged it explicitly in itself, or studied it, instead focusing on the manifestations of my faith, and how to go where it leads me, rather than consider the big picture, the backdrop, the bedrock on which is all stands. "They should demonstrate a personal commitment to Christ and a mature, robust faith which shapes their life and work. Candidates should show an ability to reflect critically on their faith and make connections between faith and contemporary life. They should demonstrate a capacity to communicate their faith engagingly and effectively." I have not demonstrated this, and therefore, quite rightly, my rector does not have confidence to send me to be held up to this measure.

So my homework is to do the daily examen exercise, from which I am to write notes to bring to our next session in two weeks. Apparently she sees hints of what she's looking for in my videos, and when I read out my written notes eg from my spiritual journal, so this exercise is to the wean me into looking for God in my life more consciously, and then get me to talk about it, starting with a medium that I'm better at than the pressured situation of talking one-to-one, 'off the cuff' as it were.

Things are progressing, and though it's not at a pace that is comfortable - apparently seeing her again in two weeks is 'meeting again quickly' - all shall be well. I have faith in that.

Three priests and me

A bit more catch up on the things that have happened over my hiatus, as I explained in this post. If you missed it, the exciting outfit at an evangelical church I mentioned was discussed in this post (with pictures!)

So, what else happened?

One priest

On May 10th I had my fifth meeting with the rector about my vocation. We talked about my retreat, and the St Martin-in-the-Fields job, and referring me to the diocese official discernment process. Last time we met, we delayed to see if I got the job, because SMITF would need to be involved. This time, she wanted to check with them for confirmation that it was all okay, like, officially for SJP to carry on with me whilst working at SMITF; she also wanted to talk with the curate, as he would become my main point of contact with SJP; and the third thing she wanted to do was read this blog (if you're reading this Reverend, hello!) I sent her a list of posts to watch/read, she's talked to SMITF and the curate, and we've got another meeting this week.

Two priest

On May 16th I finally met my new boss, Revd Sam Wells, vicar at SMITF.

Three priest!

On 19th May, I met with St James' curate for the second time. I caught him up on the things I had been up to, and we also talked about the job, and I told him about meeting Sam. He latched onto Sam's question enthusiastically, which isn't a surprise; the discernment process is a case of me turning to the Church and saying 'I want to be a priest' and the Church responding 'And who are you then?' So a bit of focus on my identity will be a very helpful conversation for us to develop. I've put together two documents of questions to answer by myself to bring anything interesting that turns up to my next meeting with him in two weeks. You can find my document of questions from the DDO paperwork here, and a secular identity question sheet here.


I need to catch up on my news a bit faster! I'm going to pause my Going Further series for the moment and hopefully post quite frequently until I catch up with all that's happened/will happen.

Video: Finally visiting the rector again!

First of all, I will apologise both for the sunglasses, and the wobbly camera action near the end.

Something I didn't talk about in this video is the continuing theme of my discernment which is going against expectations. My own expectations to be precise. Apparently my pre-existing ideas about myself need to be knocked out of me one by one, until I'm pretty sure anything that I think is going to happen in the future isn't likely to work out the way I currently think it will; and certainly the person that I currently imagine I am going to be will probably never actually exist. Instead, slowly but surely God's will is being done, and my end of the bargain is to the respond, accept, and put the leg work in.

This pastoral assistant job for example. As I said, a few months ago I decided it wasn't going to be for me. A few months ago, had I read a job description that involved a heck of a lot of youth and children's ministry, I would have laughed in the face of anyone idiotic enough to suggest I might do it. But now, it's the right time for this opportunity to come to me, so I didn't reject it out of hand, I didn't sneer and grimace at the thought of running the creche and confirmation classes. It clicked, right into place, for that is how I and the universe are built at this moment in time.

This is not to say that I actually have the job yet, nor that I think it's a certainty that I will. I still have to get to the know the community and enterprise by going to some services and 'pre-production research' as I would normally call it in theatre; and then the Big Interview, going up against two other candidates. This is so unlike my usual mode in job hunting, it scares the bejeesus out of me. So I'm not saying this is *dramatic voice* MY DESTINY or any tosh like that. But it's the direction I've been turned in, and in faith and trust (and imaginary pixie dust) I will step out and do my best.

Video: Third informal chat with the rector

First, some initial thoughts from the day itself.

I sat on the train home and managed to write down all the other bits of homework that I didn't mention in that video, and I wrote a few more notes to help me remember the meeting. Lucky I did both those things, as it's now over a week later that I've found the time to sit down to do this blog post!

Things feel like they ramp up after each meeting, unsurprisingly. For example, I talked in that video about getting to other church services - I think that's going to be a long term piece of homework, as I'm not sure when I'm going to have time over the next few weeks. It's important, but I'm cataloging it as a task to keep ongoing, rather than worry myself with doing a church crawl and getting to all the denominations within only a month. And that's only one of nine pieces of homework that came out of that meeting! I'm immediately getting a little anxious, as I was in the beginning, about being able to commit to this process whilst still working. This month is alright, but I start my next show in January, and the last thing I want to do is lose the momentum, as Lucy [my rector] likes to call it.

Imagine the man in the suit is a
woman in a dog collar

Anyway, what did we talk about? Well, I told her about this blog. I was a tad nervous, as I wasn't sure if the discernment process had some nondisclosure feature that I hadn't been aware of; but she liked the idea, especially as I explained how useful it is to have to write for an unknown public audience, which means having to think things through a bit slower and more carefully than just telling friends in person. I have to write for other people with a calling, friends and family who know me personally, atheists who don't know the terminology, people new to the blog - I even have to consider that people in the church who will be concerned with the decision to put me forward for training might read what I put here. That means being honest and whole-hearted in this endeavour, as well as clear and articulate, and of course careful of what I say about others!

We also glossed over my reaction to the Selection Criteria (see this post), things like my sexuality (bisexual) might not be the big deal I think it will, and the fact I feel confident that I can "do academic". Something that came up was the joy I feel when I'm at the front, when I'm serving or cantoring, and the value I gain from leading worship. She warned me not to let the value of worship become entirely external, from the use others make of me. A homework assignment was to reconnect with the services from the pews, not as a server, not a cantor, not even as a Lay Singer. The book I'm reading at the moment, The Christian Priest Today by Archbishop Michael Ramsey, makes the point that a priest is still first a lay person, just as vulnerable and seeking as the people they are leading, and even a bishop is still a priest and still a lay person. It's a good point to remember.

Part of the conversation was about the nature of the role of priest. For example, the priest is not a pyschotherapist. There is listening training, because there is an element within the pastoral remit, but a priest should never try and treat somebody - their support is focused on the spiritual needs of the soul. Don't ignore the rest of the person, but know that it is within that realm that you are the expert called to help.

And we explored a bit more what I wrote above, that priests are still people, and Lucy had another warning, that a priest cannot lose their sense of self and still survive. On the flip side, a priest sacrifices having the choice to just talk to the people they want to - I need to remember this as a member of the team that leads our discussion group for people in their 20s and 30s; we're a pretty new group, but now we're starting to get familiar faces turn up each month, and I have to inhabit my role as welcomer and facilitator, rather than just catching up with the people I'm getting to know and like.

A repeating theme of these discussions is that the most important thing: prayer. Lay people expect a priest to pray. I like the way Lucy put it: When you perform the Eucharist, you've got to be inviting people to the table of someone you know. Prayer is the human method of maintaining and deepening our relationship with God, which as a priest should be at the centre of your life. I'm getting there, very slowly. I'm saying some sort of structured prayer once a day, but we talked about the need to explore silent prayer, extempore prayer, just me and God on our own in private. She set me the task of reading books on how to pray, so I've got two lined up in my ever increasing to-read pile.

We briefly talked of my interest in chaplaincy. She did a panel with some other women priests, including an army chaplain, so she's said she'll see if we can get in touch and meet up, which is very exciting. At the same event, she spoke to some military personnel, and they spoke of their chaplain, or Padre as the military chaplains are generally known, who smoked and swore and rode around Camp Bastion on a quad bike! Obviously they also all the serious business of services etc as well. The main thing the personjnel reflected was that the Padre must care; and I thought "I can do that".

Two last things. There is a chance it could be a 'no', which I can't let myself forget; but I think I will do theology degree either way. And as I said in the video, no promises but she is thinking of referring me to the DDO (diocesan director of ordinands, in charge of vocations in the diocese) in January. Exciting!