07/09/2020 Five years later - now ordained!

See my previous anniversary posts: One year, two years, four years

My ordained team photo, taken outside my curacy church

My other anniversary posts might have been a bit late into September, but it is unfortunate this year that I have made it into October before getting round to it. I do think I can be given a bit of slack though, due to the global pandemic and the small matter of getting ordained. 

So it's finally happened. I'm sitting here in a clerical collar. And I must say I really haven't processed the whole thing yet. Let's start with a look over the last year.

It's been a much bigger shift than my last anniversary posts have covered. Last September I was starting third year, courting a curacy, and worried about my dissertation. I was part of a community, with a house full of friends, and I had a very full and exciting summer with lots of travel and new people and experiences. I felt like I was on a conveyor belt. 

Now the whole world has changed, and then my corner of it has changed even further.

I didn't get to enjoy my final term and engage in the the rituals of ending properly. I moved house in fraught and subdued circumstances, back to a city with a very different rhythm to the one I was leaving. An empty house with my three pieces of furniture, all on my own, my first time in full control of a household. I started a curacy without being ordained, and with worship a far cry from what is usually is. 

When you read the literature about stress, I tick most of the boxes for big life changes - moving house, new job, committing to a relationship, money worries, on top of times of uncertainty, lack of control, and additional responsibilities. I am very lucky that I have secure employment and housing, and I have not been bereaved, but I think it's still fair to say I have had a lot to handle.

Yet again, it is lots of life stuff, not so much God stuff that has taken most of my time and energy, and whilst everything has been turned on its head (again), the religious stuff is coming to the fore, but not so much my own spirituality. Learning and committing to a new church as one of its clergy, at a time when everything is weird and we don't know what Advent will look like, is bloody hard. All clergy have to put effort into maintaining their own spiritual lives underneath day to day ministry, but I think those of us starting curacy this year are at a disadvantage that we have more to get under without the benefit of years of practice.

Anyway, the ordination. Here's a glimpse of what I was feeling the day before it happened, and some snippets from the livestream of the service itself.

(the full ordination service is available here)

It definitely now feels like I've started something, I'm in a new chapter (and of course, I have joined deanery chapter, haha!). Who I am has now clicked into place with the life I've been living, and all the small inconsistencies have been smoothed out. Even just watching this video back a few weeks later, I do feel like a different person. It's not dramatic, but it is noticeable. And I'm not as worried about having a 'schema'; all the rhetoric about being yourself as a clergyperson rather than fitting into a set pattern of 'what a priest is' makes so much sense - who I am behind this collar is as much a clergyperson as my colleagues, but in so many different ways, and that's beautiful and marvellous.

My sense of self has definitely cleared up since I wrote about it in August. I am no longer fractured or unsettled. My identity is more certain. I cannot know how this all would have gone down if I had been ordained in July in a world without Covid-19, but no matter. 

How are me and God doing? Well, in a previous post I wrote "God and I have a very slow-moving relationship, because it is true that I do better at things in life if I get to work up to it in a thorough and methodical manner. God understands that better than I do when I'm being blinded by my enthusiasm and passion." This still rings true. I understand quickly but retain slowly, so building up to being an ordained curate by doing it as a lay one first might have been a bit of a blessing.

God is the undercurrent, as always. I get comfort and reassurance when I stop and check in. As per my MO, daily corporate prayer is an anchor point, particularly the eucharist on a Monday evening. The eucharist has also been a touchstone place for me and God.

Am I still on my axles in God's workshop? I haven't thought about this imagery much lately, but I re-read some posts and came across it. I thought when I last wrote about it that I would eventually "set down off the stand ready to hit the throttle into curacy, to warm up the tyres and get to grips with the upgrades, so that I can journey well in the rest of my life in ministry". I don't feel like I've necessarily hit the throttle as such. I was stuck revving the engine with a depressed clutch for a while, but I have nosed out the garage doors now. I can feel the sun on my new, novel parts, and I'm slowly testing out my new shape and features in the yard.

I can see the life-long learning ahead of me. Growing as clergy will happen every day - slow days, days off, bad days. I like who I have become in five years. I am where I should be, lucky son of bitch that I am. I love God, I love people, I love the Church (for all its flaws). I love being ordained, at least so far.

Being public property will get wearing. Working too many hours will be hard. Holding people through the highs and lows of life will take a toll. Meeting problems I cannot fix will wound my soul. I cannot predict what else this life is going do to me, or the people in my life. I cannot predict what my life will look like. But thank God I was called so young - the unexpected adventures ahead, the anticipation of the unknown, it's an incredible gift. I hope I never take it for granted. And I hope I can keep taking you along with me.

Video: Penultimate term as an ordinand

What is expected of me?

Bear with me on this one - I need to tell an anecdote but it does get to a point eventually!

I had a weird day yesterday (Sunday 10th June 2018). I got up to go to the cathedral to acolyte and I already knew something was wrong. On Friday we had our summer party, and though I did not drink or stay up particularly late, I still had a long day (including taking two classes at placement) and an energetic party. Then on Saturday I got up at 4.45am to catch a train to Cambridge, where I spent a full day reflecting on my trip to Johannesburg in September before getting the return train to Durham, getting back, cooking/eating, and going to bed.

So I already knew Sunday, yesterday, was going to be a bit of a struggle. I was tired, but to start with I only had that odd ache that's not actually painful in my head and face, if you know what I mean. I arrived at the cathedral, and the others in the serving team came in one by one, and we ended up in a different configuration to the plan - I was altar server rather than acolyte, and I was to administer the chalice for the first time.

But my theatre background did me some credit, being able to roll with these punches. But I got a much bigger 'punch' when one of the team came in, sat down, and opened with "You are always so rude". Startled, I asked for clarification, and thus began a strange conversation that I did not really have the spoons for (if you don't know this phrase, see this explanation) but I got through anyway.

It was about my conduct towards this lady, namely not noticing her, such as not responding to her 'Good morning' to the group when she entered, and other times that she listed off when she had seen me at college or in town and I 'had ignored' her. Now, I had met her only once before as far as I could remember, so I tried to point this out - is it not a reasonable thing that I did not notice her when my brain doesn't know her face well enough to recognise it in contexts where it is unexpected? That didn't wash though.

She then tied it to ministry, checking if I was an ordinand at all. At this, I got super nervous. She was tapping into one of my self-doubts that I've have since I decided to become a stage manager, let alone a priest - I have always struggled with a) recognising people and b) being observant, which leads to situations like this where people think I'm 'an arrogant snob' ignoring them, or that I don't care to remember them. Particularly, people expect a priest to be the exact opposite, and this lady expressed real concern that I wasn't the type of person who should be becoming a priest at all.

I defended myself to a certain extent, reassured her that I would never have snubbed her on purpose and it had never been personal (I genuinely don't remember ever seeing her outside the cathedral! Make of that what you will), and thanked her for her feedback which I made sure she knew I appreciated. But I was mortified that I had upset her with my behaviour, intentional or not.

Reeling, I lined up with my candle in formation and by the time we sat down for the reading, I had a nasty headache. I tried to concentrate in the service but I was shaken, seriously disturbed, with all sorts of thoughts swirling like sand stirred on a river bed in my mind. But by communion, I was distracted from my crisis of vocation by increased pain - after the distribution I was almost panting and I realised this was the onset of a migraine, which I have experienced only 3 or 4 times previously.

We got up at the final blessing and I could not stop tears leaking as I gritted my teeth to finish the service. I made it up the aisle, and out into the vestry, and after some curt goodbyes, stumbled home, took some codeine and buried myself in bed, relived from the intolerable pain and falling heavily asleep. I woke hours later, and had a peaceful afternoon and evening.

But as I returned to bed at a more traditional time last night, I was beset with the doubts of the morning. I had resolved in my woozy state in the service that I surely needed to turn my life to be less self-centred and more focussed on others, but how can one become more observant, and better at recognising people? Is that something I have control over, something it is even possible for me to improve?

Being recommended for training gave me a boost of self-confidence, but really, being an ordinand hasn't allayed any of my doubts about my suitability. And I think this encounter shows the high level of expectation laity put on clergy (I actually wrote mine here) and the personal investment even a fleeting relationship leads to. Even of an ordinand, who from my perspective is still laity and a work-in-progress, the capacity to live to this higher standard is expected.

I don't dispute this, I suppose I just had not truly absorbed it, that I am basically already an echelon of clergy. That's weird to digest when I'm not getting ordained until 2020. How much do I give myself some slack and how much do I hold myself to account here?

This is part of a greater discussion about feedback and by whose authority, whose standard should I be held up against, and it's complicated. It's hard to find the balance of judgement of what to take onboard and what to hear with a pinch of salt. Where do I go from here? Do I reassure myself that I am doing the best I can or knuckle down to try and change my behaviour to fit in with this lady's expectations of clergy? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am called as I am with the gifts that I have to offer, with the understanding that discernment and training is a process of learning/gaining knowledge and skills, both of my innate gifts, and of others that aren't as natural that I need as a priest?

How much of priesthood is shared, and how much is unique I suppose is my question. Who gets to tell me 'a priest should be like this' when I am discerning what kind of priest I will be, and if I am not meeting people's expectations as an ordinand, how much of a warning bell is that for my focus in improving myself for future ministry?

I am grateful for this feedback, for another perspective of my behaviour, and for a glimpse at one of the pressures clergy are under. But it has set me spinning. So all I can say at the moment is - God help me.

Video: Self-care as an ordinand (Know Thyself)

"Nosce te ipsum." - Ancient proverb

"This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man." - Hamlet Act 1, scene 3

First term as an ordinand

My goodness look, she’s put up a text post, huzzah! I know, I know, I’ve been a bit lazy and just put up videos for a while.

But in the wake of my first term as an ordinand, I don’t think I can reflect coherently on how I am and how things are in a video. It’s been a packed 11 weeks, busier than I anticipated. I’ve needed to be easy on myself, and not get guilty about the things that I’ve felt I haven’t done well.

I didn’t know what to expect going in. I didn’t know how to organise myself with an academic degree – ‘doing some reading’, lecture notes, the library, ‘pre-reading’. Foreign territory, all of it. And since my last post about the retreat, we’ve had several deadlines for essays, which has been the real meat of the term, academically speaking. I was totally unprepared for that, and I’ve learnt a lot of lessons which will hopefully mean next term will be better.

Amongst that I’ve been struggling the sustain myself spiritually and socially, plus not been able to do exercise, and I even had to give up cooking in the last few weeks, and only eat in the dining hall. I ended up in a bit of a heap by the end. But I feel overall positive about the whole thing, which seems odd, but like I said, I’m being easy on myself. My first term of nine may not have been smooth but there were no disasters, nothing actually ‘went wrong’, and I’m still happy to be where I am.

I’m making friends, getting good marks back from the essays, getting on with my housemates, connecting with various clergy in the area. I’ve been on placement with a great chaplain and I’ve even given a sermon! I had visitors from the south a couple of weekends, there was a fantastic Christmas party to finish term and say goodbye to the deputy warden – trying to summarise the whole term is pretty tricky, but there are tons of positives.

But life has been very full. I have felt a little dragged along with it, getting on with things when I didn’t understand them 100%, didn’t have time to get to grips with them as fully as I would have liked, which for me is a stressful place to be in. I’ve not really acknowledged my underlying stress, and I should. I’m not ‘stressed out’ but I just have not felt grounded.

My tutor pointed out that one factor is not really having a lot of contact with my home ground kind of church – I’m spending most of my time at either much lower, at college, or higher, at my placement chapel; and I think she’s right that it’s had an impact. I was at St James’ on Sunday for the morning service and Nine Lessons and Carols, and there was a relief to be with people ‘like me’. Now I realise that this is partly an evolutionary hang up that we really must get over, but that doesn’t stop me feeling that way.

At least I have actually enjoyed building relationships with evangelicals and conservatives at college, even if it’s been an effort. And it’s not been as bad as it could have been, because said evangelicals have been very open; the way I put it is they may think I’m going to hell, but if they do they don’t seem to hold it against me.

Like I said, hopefully I’ll have more of a handle on my academic work next term, which means I can schedule in down time, exercise, socialising, and other stress release things. Plus some of this term’s stress sources should be a lot less stressful because I’m now more familiar with everything new, and I'll start seeing a spiritual director.

So, first term as an ordinand. Overall positive, lessons learned, hopeful in moving forward. God is with me.

PS How AWESOME that the new Bishop of London, my sponsoring bishop, is a woman!!

PPS watch out for my next adventure - I'm flying to Switzerland next week!

Video: Being an ordinand - settling in

Video: I am an ordinand...WHAT?!

I would have uploaded this ASAP but our college house has not had working Wifi so I write to you now from a week into being here at Cranmer Hall, Durham.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm not really very relaxed about being an ordinand. It's still weird, and scary, and unbelievable, after such a long time getting here, actually being here doesn't feel like it should be happening. Surely there's another hoop to go through? Surely I'm not truly ready to claim the title 'ordinand'.

The implications of coming to train are vast and varied, and the thought that I am actually going to be a priest is only one. New city, new house, reduced money situation, being away from my friends, taking all the opportunities available to me, being a student again, living with other people again - it's been exhausting dealing with it all at once. I'm lucky that I've moved a lot over the last few years, so the move is less dramatic, but there's still an emotional wrench of moving from the south east to the north east, with a different rhythm to the city, learning to find my way around, not living on my own any more, not using public transport every day...oh, and the temperature. I am a delicate English rose, and working out how much clothing I need every day, investing in thermal underwear, and finding out where nearby sells electric blankets, all makes for a tad more stress.

I've already fallen down in my self-care. I failed to remember how I know I operate, that I need intimacy with God, with close friends, and with myself, to balance my mental health into a good state. Plus this week has involved a lot of meeting people, forgetting their names, and working out which ones will be more work to get on with than others, which is a drain even on an outgoing extrovert like yours truly. So I had a slightly emotional night last night, which I am in the process of remedying, so no harm done. But lesson learned, the hard way.

We've had introductory talks, a prayer day in the cathedral, a day of lectures from a world expert on Thomas Cranmer, a college freshers' fair (I signed onto the mailing lists of LGBT+ Soc, FemSoc, and the theatre society), many cups of tea in the common room, and matriculation when I was thrilled to have my first outing in a cassock and used my cloak to boot.

A lot of the induction this week has been like any other university - like the police officer telling us not to take drugs, and the fireman telling us not the cover our smoke alarms with clingfilm - just with more Christianity, and advice/info being spoken into our proto-clergy situation, like the dual nature of our focus, that our academia is merely half of our time here, and our spiritual lives take as much precedence. This of course echoes ministry, giving us good practice.

I will be honest, the academic side terrifies me. I was pretty good at school work, though not essays, and this is my first degree to do 'proper' essays, as opposed to the self-reflective ones from my previous degree. Doing reading, spending time in the library, it's all alien and I'm not confident in my own ability to do very well.

At least I'm on the way to making friends here. The house is finally settled, with only an ice cube tray to source  (for the gin and tonics you understand). I like the fact that I have an uphill 15 minute walk to college everyday, and morning prayer to do, evening worship to join as well. I've managed to arrange a space in my room for my prayer stool, so I can kneel in front of my small standing cross. I'm being good with my diet, taking heed of the warnings against 'the Cranmer stone'. I'm also damn pleased to have my comfy armchair in the living room!

Blimey. I am an ordinand. We'll see how this goes.

My BAP and the result

If you don’t follow me on Twitter (which you should, of course, so click here) then you won’t have heard the news. Before I had even had time to process the BAP enough to put together a blog post about it, I got the result – I’ve been recommended!!

To keep in chronological order, I’ll tell the full story of hearing the news after telling you about my BAP.

Now, for good reason, candidates are advised not to go into too much detail about exactly what we were asked etc so I wrote some notes as I went about how I was feeling.

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Thoughts from the BAP:

Monday 26th June 2017

12.30pm – D-Day

About to head to the station to catch my train. I've given myself a nice easy morning feeling relaxed and a little productive. I'll go over my notes from the last few days on the train. I should have built in enough contingency time if something goes wrong with the transport - otherwise I'll arrive with enough time to unpack and settle before we kick off.

I'm feeling like you do when you wake up at half 2 in the morning to go on holiday - that tension in the stomach that comes from excitement and nerves, even though you know what you're doing and it's all currently going to plan. I'm all jangly with adrenaline, my senses feel heightened, but I think I'm okay.

I've done all I can. I've followed the call and prepared myself for this week. I think I've got a good shot ie I think God has called me as I am and at this time, and I've just got to trust that my judgement on it is accurate. I trust that the outcome will be what it's supposed to.

Monday 26^th June 2017

4.30pm – start of the BAP

Arrived and settled into my room. I can’t believe I’m here, and I can’t believe this is it. I’ve been getting so many messages of support including some arriving to post to the retreat house! I have all the cards lined up on my desk, and I have lots of little messages from St James’ people that I will open throughout the next few days to keep me going.

It’s a lovely little room with a view out onto the garden. My fluttering heart seems out of place in the tranquility of it. But this is the quiet before the storm – I’m always calmer once the storm hits! I’m going to spend a few more minutes going over my notes and then head down.

8.30pm – end of BAP day 1

Only one assessed exercise so far; we’ve been getting to know each other a bit and had supper. I’m relaxed now, which is good. It’s exactly what I thought I would do – I’m a confident person so I’m lucky that it’s been fear of the unknown that's made me most nervous. And it’s just ordinary here. It’s people in a place, it’s rooms and corridors, tea and lanyards, garden, chapel – yes, it’s a holy time that we are spending prayerfully, but that doesn’t mean puritanical monastic discipline and everyone being all serious all the time. Which really helps. So I think so far I have managed the main goal – be myself.

Tuesday 27^th June 2017

5pm – part way through BAP day 2

Meant to write something before lunch but it’s all been quite tiring! It’s only sitting around talking and listening but it’s a lot of concentration. The guys running it are all very good at putting us our ease without losing the sense of being focussed on the task at hand.

Three more assessed tasks down. This morning of presentations was quite fun really, and this afternoon I had my first interview, which went better than I thought, thank you God. It was almost fun too. I felt more relaxed than I thought I would be, I didn’t blank like I thought I would, and I didn’t regret anything I said. I even had something to say at the end when he asked “would you like to add anything?” which I normally blank at as well!

Wednesday 28^th June 2017

9am – start of the last BAP day

My second interview yesterday evening went well too, so here’s hoping that my last one this morning will make a hat trick! A lot of us candidates spent an hour or so after compline having a few drinks in the lounge, which was nice. It’s always good for me to be able to socialise, and for us all to have some completely relaxed time, with people who aren’t judging us.

I can’t believe it’s almost over. This fulcrum point in my life has not felt as profound as it actually is – but then, I’m making the turn at the moment, but the new direction won’t be confirmed until the phone call from the bishop. So really I’m still in suspense even come the end of the BAP.

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Getting the news and how I’ve been since I heard:

I got back home the evening of Wednesday 28^th June, and a week later in the evening of Thursday 6^th July, I was sitting eating beans on toast waiting for Mock the Week to start on TV when an unrecognised number rang my phone. Yes, it was the bishop. When he told me that the assessors had recommended me and he was happy to accept, I made this funny high pitched noise, like a cross between a yelp and a squeal! He very kindly also said "They knew a good thing when they saw one" which made me blush.

And to be utterly honest, after the phone call ended, I turned the sound back on the TV as the opening credits of Mock the Week started and after a few quiet tears, I sat back and laughed at the jokes. I sit here now, several days later, and I’m still a little numb with shock, like my nerves have been fried, overloaded and overwhelmed.

Being a bit of a detailed planner, I had already written a list of people to tell immediately so when the programme ended, I methodically messaged them all, then went to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I prayed something incoherent, not able to muster the inner stillness to encounter God, but eventually did get to sleep.

Like a lot of the process, life has gone on around this massive life changing thing without the pause that's needed. I didn’t haven’t time to contemplate on Friday, I had things to do! I had a friend come over for lunch and we baked cakes. It wasPride in London on Saturday, so I had to do preparations, like bake cakes!

Timing went awry. She left about 5pm and I started making two placards (I’ll put Pride pictures at the end of this post). Then half 9 at night my mother called me to try and talk about that oh-yeah-i-forgot-I’m-going-to-be-a-priest thing, and I muffled (incoherently again) at her while I stuffed crisps and biscuits down my throat as ‘dinner’ and said goodbye to set up for the next task. I started painting my nails at 10.10pm, got to bed at 1am, got up at 6am.

Got to St Martin’s at 8.30am with face paint and temporary tattoos done, and set about writing out the liturgy I had figured out with the priest the day before into a service sheet, whilst refugees cooked in the kitchen. 10am, about 25 people gathered in the church for said service, prayers for Pride, and it was very moving.

Can you tell yet that I was fairly well distracted? Saturday was awesome, having lunch with the St Martin’s people and going to march with them in the parade, and the Pride Eucharist was beautiful at St James’. But I was so tired by then, even the mystery of the sacrament didn’t penetrate.

Then back to work Sunday, including pelting across Westminster after leading the children’s club at St Martin’s to arrive in time to give a notice at the end of St James’ service to share my good news. And then getting home exhausted, barely catching my breath, before going on a nostalgia trip of what might have been, going to watch a show that, had I not left theatre, I would have been working on.

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I still feel numb. I need time, and rest, and space, to soften, to settle into the reality of what my life will now be, what has finally been decided. I can say that I was aware of the tension I hadn’t realised was there lifting after that phonecall. I realised my body had relaxed, after a week of subconscious anxiety, waiting for the news.

I'll go see the DDO to look at the report later this week, and see the rector at St James' for a bit of a debrief. And then more paperwork and plans for Durham! Aaiii.

I reckon it’ll hit me in a few weeks, when I’ve got time off work to go to Taize. I’ll let you know. But oh my God you guys, I got through…

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(Pride pics as promised)

Getting crafty making placards

Baking cakes, because we queers need a lot of sugar!

All the colours! Pride is only reason
I own orange nail polish

Not as good as last year,
but gets the point across

Going for a subtle look....

TERRIBLE PUN YEAH

St James' AWESOME altar cloth

St Martin's Rainbow flag on Trafalgar Square

Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: Going to see the bishop

For those who are astute, you'll notice that this meeting and video took place on Ash Wednesday and I am posting this quite a way into Lent. Apologies for that; I'll lay no excuses.

But it does mean I can tell you the good news that I have a BAP date! I'm all set to go in June, so these last few weeks have setting off on the epic adventure of the paperwork involved, which I might cover in a later post. I'm also arranging to go see colleges, so it's feeling really  real!

So watching this video several weeks later in the knowledge of the certainty of my BAP, here are the points I want to remind myself of:

• Remember that BAP examiners are real people rather than the 2D constructs in my head
• I should probably practice one-on-ones a bit more
• Make sure I prep reading my paperwork beforehand
• Reacquaint myself with 'what a priest is'
• Work on my answer to 'where are you ecclesiastically'

I'll hopefully be catching up with a few more posts soon.

My new job as Pastoral Assistant

(So yes, as I announced in my last post, I got the job that I mentioned in this post - in the video I talk about it 1:45 til 4:40 - I'm going to assume you've watched that and read the post.)

In September, I am going to start as pastoral assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields, a CofE church on Trafalgar Square, of high worship style, liberal theology, and a great culture of enterprise to get out and help people. It's known for it's charity The Connection at St Martin's, as well as it's Vicar's Relief Fund and almost a century of Christmas Appeals with BBC Radio 4. They also have popular cafes in the Crypt and the Courtyard, and occasionally celebrity/royal events.

The church also has a fantastic music programme, with concerts for free at lunchtime, or by candlelight in the evening, masterclasses, jazz nights, and six in-house choirs. Every time I've been to any service, the first thing I tell people when they ask about it is "well, the music was incredible!" I don't know if I'll be able to join any of the choirs, but I really want to if I can!

I have specific duties in my role in children's ministry, liturgy, and pastoral care; and in general my role will be assisting the clergy, working with all the staff, and experiencing the breadth of the church's work. The job very much has a mutually beneficial dynamic - the PA is a team member who is part of the running of the church's work, but is also there to experience ministry with an eye to going further into it.

As I mentioned in the video, there was some discussion on whether I would be sponsored in discernment through SJP not SMITF, as they have more often sponsored their PAs themselves. As far as I'm aware, it's all okay for me to carry on with St James', so that's good.

I was so nervous before the interview. As I said in the video, I had a gut reaction to this job, and I wanted it BADLY. I've never been so nervous. If I had fucked up and not got it, I really didn't know what I would do - it seemed inconceivable that I would continue being a stage manager. It just made perfect sense that this opportunity came at exactly this moment, but unlike other perfect opportunities in my journey of faith and vocation, this was not just something I had to take. Other people decided whether I could take it.

This has been my first experience of human gate keepers in following my calling from God, and it wasn't pleasant. I had to remain realistic throughout, and whilst I kept a hope and faith alive that what I felt was right would be my path, it ultimately lay in the hands of others, and there was a chance they would say no. That is the same scenario I will encounter at every stage of the official discernment process and this preview has shown me, by gum, it's going to be hard.

But anyway, I did get it. After four days without news, I was so stressed I just upped and walked out the house and stomped out to the fields, and sat on a bench by the river, sighing, crying, and staring into the distance, like I was in an Austen novel, minus lacy hanky. I eventually rang them, but got the answer machine. Despondent, I started back home, and as I walked up church lane, they rang me back. When the good news was imparted, I stopped in my tracks and literally bent over, leaning on my knees, in utter relief. When we finished speaking, I hung up, and thew my hands in the air with an almighty "YEEEESS!" bellowed into the sleepy quiet of the village. When I got back, I told my parents and burst into tears.

I am over the moon. It's going to be an amazing job that I will enjoy, get a lot out of, and also be pretty good at. Only yesterday a friend was congratulating me on managing get paid to spend the majority of my time doing something I love ie being at church! But more seriously, the job is going to put a lot of stuff that I've only thought about in theory to the test ie. ministerial qualities and skills that I need to be a priest - do I have them? We shall see. It's going to be doing ministry, watching clergy at close quarters to see how they do it, be backstage and involved in the liturgy in a depth I just didn't have access to as a lay volunteer, and getting to grips with what it takes to run a church.

To sum up, here's an extract from my application statement:

"I have been involved with various vocations events, like day conferences, and weekends away, as well as attending a variety of services within the Anglican tradition, and going on retreat on Holy Island; but discussing and sharing conversations about my faith, my calling, and myself can only go so far in the exploration of vocation. Actually doing it is the best way to work out how one operates and what one’s gifts are; the difference I saw between talking about being a stage manager and being one at college was tremendous, only overtaken by the difference between training on the job, and doing the job as a professional!

Also being part of a prayerful worship community full-time is a unique context in which to encounter, respond to, and connect with God. I suspect there will be developments in my relationship with God that would only be possible in the opportunity of being a pastoral assistant. The role of service is an integral part of finding freedom in God."

Video: Another affirmation

Video: Seeing myself in Peter

In reference to the video, this is what I wrote this morning:

"At the moment I'm in the middle of reading the book Jesus and Peter: Growing in friendship with God. I've wanted to get to know more about Peter for a while, and this is the book my rector recommended. I've always liked Peter, but it was this past Palm Sunday that it started niggling at me, because I played the part in our dramatic performance of the Passion story.

(Yes, our church doesn't care about casting historically accurate genders in it's dramas - the point of dramatising the story is to make it more affecting, and seeing your pew neighbour up there denying Christ, betraying Christ, or being Christ makes it very effective, regardless of the gender they are.)

Thinking about Peter as I stood next to the person playing Jesus, it struck me, I think for the first time, how real the people in the gospel stories were."

Will ya just calm down Peter?!

I thought about this when standing with the friend I mention in the video; thought of Peter standing next to his friend Jesus just I was standing next to my friend, and both our friends handing out wisdom and trying to calm us down.

Peter in the gospel is a passionate, hell for leather kind of guy. Good intentions, not so much forethought, rushing in confidently but often crashing around a bit. I can SO relate. Calm, helpful Jesus would probably have had conversations similar to the one my friend had with me, getting Peter to slow down enough to think.

I suspect Peter probably had times when he felt overwhelmed and torn as well, trying to balance talking to Jesus, praying, checking with the others, getting supplies, sorting the money, scheduling the travel plans, keeping all the Jewish needs seen to, eating and drinking right, staying out of the sun when it was hot, keeping up with the news locally and from other cities, maybe even contemplating romance, possibly having medical issues, enjoying getting a tad drunk sometimes, doing a heck of a lot of walking, thinking about his fishing days and missing his dad...Anyway.

Just like I talked about Paul in another vlog, Peter had his period of stumbling, but both men became pillars and leaders in the early church, in Acts. I read the outcome of the their stories and think "Oh I want to get there too! How?!" and the answer is the same as for them: through Jesus. Simple and complex at the same time. At the moment, I have Peter's enthusiasm and Paul's clouded vision. My relationship with Jesus and our journey together mirrors theirs as well - through prayer and community; and their example in the NT's pages gives me courage to keep going.

The book about Peter talks of 'mature discipleship'. That's a great phrase for how I see my calling, the end goal, whether that be in the form of ordination or not. I'm like Paul, without Peter's advantage of being the same spacetime as Jesus the incarnation - my relationship is with the ascended Christ, the Son of the Trinity. So my discipleship is not following him around for three years and sorting his travel arrangements. It's moving towards him in prayer, centering my life on his example, and helping others do the same, bringing humanity closer to the coming of the kingdom of heaven.

He will meet me in prayer, and in community. And very much in the meeting of souls when I talk to my friends. Jesus for me is my friend, the person at my shoulder, often with a warm, comforting, rock solid hand on my shoulder, giving me the strength with the Spirit, wisdom from the Word, and a guiding, if not always obviously, path from the Father.

Today is a bad day

Continuing the week's theme of existential crisis, I realised last night that I am pissed off that God kicked my calling into gear in September. I'm pissed off because since then I have been feeling more and more overwhelmed, and it's all because of this vocation/calling/discernment thing. It's like a smog that has descended onto my life and clouded everything that I thought I knew and scrambled my coping mechanisms.

Life was pretty good back in August. I had got together with the man I had been in love with for years in my first proper relationship, I had improved vastly at doing my job since graduating the year before, I had been employed consistently during that year, I was managing to see friends, I had found new things out about myself by going against my expectations, I was flying high at church...

There was a vague plan, a basic map of where my life was going and how I was going to manage it. I've already talked about not worrying about having a plan, but I've got to be honest, since September, I've felt the loss of the security increasingly, until now I basically feel swamped, overwhelmed, unable to cope.

I don't know how to juggle my calling, my work, my relationship, my family, my friends, doing the groceries, and the laundry, deciding what to wear in the mornings, applying for the next job, daily reading, prayer and reflection, developing my prayer life, doing my hair every other day, cooking, eating, washing up, times to get up, to leave, to arrive, transport issues, looking after my friends when they need me, which shoes cause blisters on which part of my foot, feeding my landlady's cat when she's away, keeping up with the news, TV, Youtube, Facebook, doing a diary entry every Sunday, finding somewhere to live after February, remembering to text my mother occasionally, learning my music for choral evensong, two of them in fact...

Yes, I'm no different to every bugger on planet earth. As my boyfriend said last night, it's called having a life. But the smog of my calling has destroyed the balance. My world is uncertain, and just getting on with things doesn't feel like enough any more. I feel like I'm teetering, off-balance and barely holding on, for the first time in my life.

I like doing things 'properly'. I feel most secure when I feel like I know what I'm doing. And God's curve ball has knocked the confidence out of me. There's no manual, no how-to guide, no 'proper' way to do this discernment process. Bloody London diocese doesn't even give you a basic idea of how it might go. From a deep down, irrational, emotional place inside me, I am extremely uncomfortable because if I don't know how to do it properly, how will I get it right? And if I keep going, and don't do it properly, that irrational feeling tells me I'm not going to be okay; I'll have messed it up and I can't start again, and this big important thing in my life that I've been on this comprehensive, step by step process towards will be a mess. It'll be all over the place, an organic, disorganised process, which means I might miss something.

When navigating, I have no sense of direction, and in general I forget things easily. Doing a process properly, with a clear understanding of how to do it, ideally written down, is how I manage. That's how I cope. God has stripped those options away from me for the thing that for years I have felt my life leading up to. If I'd had the 7 more years that I had expected I would get before following my calling to ordination, I might have felt prepared. But, like cantoring on a Sunday morning when I've only been told I am on the Saturday night, my inner knees are knocking, I'm in fight or flight mode, I'm terrified I'm going to fuck up, and I can't check out, I can't give up, I can't just not do it.

Without the safety net, it feels inevitable that I'll forget something, do something wrong, whatever it might be, and it'll irreparably fuck everything up. And then just like that, it's goodbye ordination, hello what the the fuck do I do with my life?

It's different to the prospect of being rejected for ordination itself. If I have gone through the process 'properly', done all I can to the best I can, then sure, I can accept that my calling wouldn't be to ordination. It's the prospect of a rejection based on an incomplete picture - if I miss something, or do it wrong, my petition will be a false representation; and missing out on what could be the way I should live my life, failing to achieve God's will for me, but only because I made a stupid mistake - that is a thought I cannot bear.

I know logically this is nonsense; I know my anxiety isn't based on anything rational, and the truth is life doesn't have a manual, and the discernment process is organic in nature. If it's God's will, it'll happen, whether I feel prepared or not. I should have faith and trust in God, and rely on God's strength.

I still feel overwhelmed.

I still don't understand why it's happening now.

I'm still worried I'm going to mess up.

Today is a bad day.

What my experience as a stage manager can bring to being a priest

This is a helpful little exercise I've decided to set myself as I'm vaguely aware that there are a lot of transferable skills and experiences, but I've never done a thorough run down. It's certainly from a secular angle, tackling the part of being a priest that is actually 'a job'. So here goes:

The big one is Relationships. Reading the Summary of Criteria 'relationships' section is very similar to reading a realistic job description for a stage manager. In SM, you're biggest responsibility is your relationships, and being the central force to establish and sustain cohesive working relationships, creating boundaries, and maintaining a professional standard, whilst also being the department that provides the pastoral care. Stage managers are the ones company members come to with any problem, and that often can include things not related to the show. It becomes habit - "I have a problem: I'll go to the stage manager." The ability to be inclusive within diversity is paramount as well, as the theatre is full of more varied selection of people than outsiders might think - a stage manager cannot reject any of them, even the really annoying ones, or the ones who can't do their jobs (as much as we would sometimes like to).

The next biggest one is Stress or Pressure. The responsibility of a stage manager is broad and deep,

with little things and big things of wildly different sorts all coming under their remit - the prop pencils on the set desk have to be arranged just so, and also the company time sheets have to be cataloged; make the coffee, and also coordinate the timetable to accommodate every single department's needs. Often needing to be in three places at once, doing a lot of running around the building/city, coming in first and leaving last, being expected to be in charge of facilitating everyone else's ideas in time, to budget, often without much help. All with the other expectation that you are the cheery one, the calm one, the one that knows everything that's going on even (though no one seems to bother to tell you anything), the one everyone can rely to put in the extra effort, and achieve miracles out of nothing.

Piggy in the middle AKA the SM department

I like to call one of the traits of stage management Translation, and I think this applies to being a priest as well. It means being a radial point from which vastly different spokes connect for the one interconnecting reason or goal, and therefore needing to know exactly what each spoke wants, how it operates, what it needs out of the other spokes, how to get that, and most importantly, how to translate the one's needs into the other's language so they can coordinate.

Linked that idea is involvement in Negotiation/Conflict. Your spokes, even with you translating, can push against each other, and as the radial point, it is your job to put the reason/goal for working together first, often reminding them of it - the stage manager is the person who puts the show and the humanity of the people involved first, helping everyone compromise to achieve their shared goal (once they've remembered what that was) and do what is best for that goal and each other, rather than letting ulterior motives, or petty issues of pride dictate the company's choices.

A little bit of blasphemy...

How does one achieve that? Change and Flexibility. Being able to speak the language includes adapting to each spoke's needs. But also on different shows, the lighting spoke on this show might be very different to the lighting spoke on the last show eg style, people, resources. The stage manager has to still hit all the criteria, but that can look very different when you have more direct people, less people, no money, rather than people who 'play the game', loads of people, and a bit more money (it is never enough money...). How I interact with my line manager or my director has looked vastly different show-to-show, based on the sort of people they are and the show we're doing.

It comes down to Facilitating, Collaborating, and Communicating.

At least on the outside...

So what sort of characteristics does a stage manager need? I'm going to copy and paste from the Criteria again. Mature and Stable - there are enough egos, motivations, dreams, emotions and mental states to deal with and manage, without the person who's supposed to coordinate them adding to the complicated mix. Stage managers are relied upon, by dint of being stage management, to keep calm. It is the stage management department that in practical terms, has 'being the grown ups' as part of the job description. That also means having an exterior support network that you can rely on when you need time to be your own person, so as not to lose you humanity. You have dreams and emotions and the rest of it too, so it's important to have people in your life you can express those to, when most of your time is spent putting them aside for the sake of others.

Another thing that a company will rely on is the Integrity, the Trustworthy-ness of its stage management. It's that putting the humanity of people first thing again, and going back to the acceptance of all, rejection of none motif. If you go to your stage manager with a problem, as part of their role as problem solvers, the importance of trusting their judgement, and also knowing that you won't be judged yourself, is paramount for that vulnerable relationship to function.

This links in with the element of Leadership. SMs have 'manager' in their titles, even the assistants. I find this one quite challenging, as I've never been a person people naturally follow. Enough words have been written on the characteristics of leadership without me adding much to them, but for an SM, or a priest, it is a leadership through serving, ultimately. You make decisions, give advice, lay down the law occasionally, but when you get down to it, we are doing all we can to improve the lives of the flocks we have committed to minister to with everything we have in us, and bring about a creation, a world where all are happy, their dreams have come true, and (S)He's purpose for us all has been brought about. (People in my life have realised that I may tell an anecdote and mention someone known only as 'He' or 'She', and they've worked out that the only person it can be is the director of whatever show I am currently working on, as often, making them happy becomes the centre of my life, and their pronouns are therefore capitalised).

And of course you want to be the cool guy that everyone likes.






The last parallel I'll draw is the element of Lifestyle and Vocation. Okay, so no one gets a 'calling' to be a stage manager, but it is still a vocation in the secular sense. You're not just taking on a job, it's a whole life. You're schedule is precarious, often overloaded and changed last minute. Don't even try and have a sleep pattern. And the diet goes out the window. It sounds like priests often have a similar diet to stage managers on those days when a 'lunch break' or 'dinner' are basically out of the question - microwave meals, a quick sandwich in between or even during meetings, and phrases like "I haven't eaten since breakfast" lose their drama when echoed more than 3 days in every 7. There's an unwritten, unspoken expectation of 24/7 service, and as much as we know we should carve out private lives and personal time, and even rest once in a while, we often find ourselves checking the email, taking the call, or agreeing to do just a little more, because that's not just what we do; it's who we are.