Video: Curacy and Lockdown

Video: I am an ordinand...WHAT?!

I would have uploaded this ASAP but our college house has not had working Wifi so I write to you now from a week into being here at Cranmer Hall, Durham.

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I'm not really very relaxed about being an ordinand. It's still weird, and scary, and unbelievable, after such a long time getting here, actually being here doesn't feel like it should be happening. Surely there's another hoop to go through? Surely I'm not truly ready to claim the title 'ordinand'.

The implications of coming to train are vast and varied, and the thought that I am actually going to be a priest is only one. New city, new house, reduced money situation, being away from my friends, taking all the opportunities available to me, being a student again, living with other people again - it's been exhausting dealing with it all at once. I'm lucky that I've moved a lot over the last few years, so the move is less dramatic, but there's still an emotional wrench of moving from the south east to the north east, with a different rhythm to the city, learning to find my way around, not living on my own any more, not using public transport every day...oh, and the temperature. I am a delicate English rose, and working out how much clothing I need every day, investing in thermal underwear, and finding out where nearby sells electric blankets, all makes for a tad more stress.

I've already fallen down in my self-care. I failed to remember how I know I operate, that I need intimacy with God, with close friends, and with myself, to balance my mental health into a good state. Plus this week has involved a lot of meeting people, forgetting their names, and working out which ones will be more work to get on with than others, which is a drain even on an outgoing extrovert like yours truly. So I had a slightly emotional night last night, which I am in the process of remedying, so no harm done. But lesson learned, the hard way.

We've had introductory talks, a prayer day in the cathedral, a day of lectures from a world expert on Thomas Cranmer, a college freshers' fair (I signed onto the mailing lists of LGBT+ Soc, FemSoc, and the theatre society), many cups of tea in the common room, and matriculation when I was thrilled to have my first outing in a cassock and used my cloak to boot.

A lot of the induction this week has been like any other university - like the police officer telling us not to take drugs, and the fireman telling us not the cover our smoke alarms with clingfilm - just with more Christianity, and advice/info being spoken into our proto-clergy situation, like the dual nature of our focus, that our academia is merely half of our time here, and our spiritual lives take as much precedence. This of course echoes ministry, giving us good practice.

I will be honest, the academic side terrifies me. I was pretty good at school work, though not essays, and this is my first degree to do 'proper' essays, as opposed to the self-reflective ones from my previous degree. Doing reading, spending time in the library, it's all alien and I'm not confident in my own ability to do very well.

At least I'm on the way to making friends here. The house is finally settled, with only an ice cube tray to source  (for the gin and tonics you understand). I like the fact that I have an uphill 15 minute walk to college everyday, and morning prayer to do, evening worship to join as well. I've managed to arrange a space in my room for my prayer stool, so I can kneel in front of my small standing cross. I'm being good with my diet, taking heed of the warnings against 'the Cranmer stone'. I'm also damn pleased to have my comfy armchair in the living room!

Blimey. I am an ordinand. We'll see how this goes.

Video: Shadowing a priest in Scotland

That's a little snapshot of my week. I had such a good time. I've known the family for years, so it was good to be with friends and make new ones, and get away from work of course, but I also learnt a lot. I asked Alasdair if I could shadow him because staying with him and his family on previous occasions, I saw peripherally how his life as a priest was so different to the priests I know in central London.

The incident that set the idea in my mind was on his day off, answering the door in his pajamas and having to put on his wellies to go open up the church hall because whoever was supposed to hadn't! The vicar at the church where I work certainly wouldn't have cause to do that. It's good for me to see with my own eyes a situation I haven't really come across, namely a priest who is a radial point, the only full time person who ultimately looks after the church.

Also, his tradition is pretty Anglo-Catholic, and though my churches down in London are high enough to have robed servers and processions, Alasdair's Scottish Episcopal church is almost as far away from what I'm used to as the worship I experienced at the other end of the candle at Momentum or on Pentecost last summer, though not as high as my weekend with the Society of Catholic Priests. It's an important part of being in the Anglican Communion to understand the diversity of traditions held within it, and crucially it is in experiencing all these types of worship for myself that I am able to comprehend on a spiritual level that whilst my tastes and needs in liturgy and worship are different, God is in all of it.

So in doing thee's and thou's morning and evening prayer next door everyday, Mass both east facing and west facing (sometimes just the two of us), serving in cassock and cotta - I got my hands dirty in a way I didn't on the Catholic weekend away, plus Alasdair was very happy to answer my questions. Being with a priest who is not 'my' priest or just 'a' priest, but rather a friend, was a very useful space because (and this is also a mark of Alasdair's patience) I was able to push him to answer my questions further and defend anything I didn't understand or maybe didn't agree with, and also push back and challenge me.

That personal connection and staying with him and his family in the rectory was also able to give me insight into a priest as a whole, 'normal' person, that they talk about at vocation events, but is hard to actually understand in reality, to imagine a priest complexly, as the saying goes. At the same time, when off duty and in civvies, whilst not being the rector, even I as a friend and temporary member of his household could not shake an awareness of him being A Priest. That issue of perception is also often talked about at vocation events.

One thing I learnt about myself was I clarified why I don't like doing certain acts of kneeling in worship. I don't like kneeling to receive communion, and when I served on the Sunday in Scotland I had to genuflect, and boy, I did not like that either. It was as if, as my knee hit the marble, God winced. That kind of abasement is not part of our relationship. That's not to say I don't have a great reference for the Lord of the Universe, but you can have deep respect and show complete obedience without prostrating yourself. Sure, that's how some people show it, but I don't!

I'm also still processing something I 'learnt' in a way, but it's hard to articulate. It's something about being rooted in a place and how I don't feel called to that, at least not right away. I'm reminded of a sermon I heard about Psalm 84, and Hebrews 11 "They confessed that they were strangers and foreigners on the earth, for people who speak in this way make it clear that they are seeking a homeland. If they had been thinking of the land that they had left behind, they would have had opportunity to return. But as it is, they desire a better country, that is, a heavenly one." I've written before how I don't feel like I have a 'home', but not in a bad way, because I look to making a home in God, and in a more tangible way, making a home where I find God in other people. I don't know, it just doesn't feel like that rootedness is part of my path ahead of me, til the distant future...

Anyway, I got away from my liberal urban bubble and also got to know some of the laity. They were all lovely and when I tagged along for home visits, everyone welcomed me in very gracefully. Sure I heard gossip and politics, but you get that everywhere there are people, and there was no maliciousness amongst the people I met. Talking to the theologian/CofS minister was also interesting to get away from Anglicanism and hear another story of vocation.

But against all that it was just a church serving God and creation. It is reassuring to feel the same undercurrent where ever two or three are gathered in Jesus' name, and to learn from people who are dedicated to God. As I said in the video, where ever I go, "it's still church".

Going Further: Different models of mission and ministry

I've been digging through all the documents, forms and guidelines for candidates, DDOs, advisers, reference writers etc (available on the CofE website here). 

I would really recommend doing this - it gives a much better idea of what the church is looking for and what you're going to go through than pretty much any of the supposedly informative resources that are supposed to help you!

It's thrown up a few interesting points that I think I need to explore, either because I haven't yet explored them, or because I haven't explored them in as much depth as the documentation emphasises. I'm going to write a post on each point and this series of posts will be called "Going Further".

"Can the candidate reflect on different models of mission and ministry that they have experienced?"

I have been working on experiencing different models of ministry, but I'm not sure about different models of mission, and I haven't really reflected on the experiences I've had. Next month I'm hoping to put together some clips I've been recording about various churches I've visited, but two minutes to camera straight after a service isn't really deep reflection.

I will be the first admit that I haven't experienced a large range of ministry. When I first started going to church, it was in Australia whilst I was travelling, and I went to a different church every week as I made my way down the east coast, and continued doing so in New Zealand. But my memory of these services isn't extensive; they felt more in the vein of market research than worship at the time, and really I only remember being deeply impressed by the Antipodes' predilection for cake with their tea every week, not just biscuits!

Since then, I went to a few churches in London before St James' Piccadilly, but it is there that I have actually got to grips with communal worship and got involved, the only place I would class myself as a 'member of the regular congregation'. In the last few months, I've worshiped as a visitor in various places; I have been to lots of weekday services, worshiped at vocations events, done a whole weekend of Anglo-Catholic worship, and started familiarising myself with worship at my new church, St Martin-in-the-Fields. I have also chatted with several university chaplains, and helped one with some service feedback research.

Reflection
The Catholic weekend provided my first proper understanding of common parish ministry. It was very clear how geographical the focus was ie. their jurisdiction is the people and places within the parish bounds, and that was the biggest factor is the demographics of congregants, and the sort of services and programmes the churches offered. The physical parish sets the parameters of the ministry. There was no point in an incumbent being appointed and coming in with their own agenda. Their role seemed very reactionary, and the onus was very much on the clergy to be hands-on, in-charge, doing what was needed.

This ministry seemed restricted, and I don't mean that as a criticism, just an observation of the situation. They provided worship, that was their main mission, and then, where they could, helped those in need within the parish, supported local schools, and were involved in local life - events, charitable initiatives, celebrations etc. It was all very good work, and I admired how the prevailing attitude was can-do, positive, and doing the most that they could with what they had.

It was very different to ministry at SJP. SJP is a gathered community, so the geographical parish has little to no influence on the demographic of the congregation. It has been known for people to visit from the nearby hotels - I was very welcoming of a gentleman who strongly reminded me of the Monopoly man, and as we were chatting, I couldn't help but wonder if the three piece suit, chained pocket watch, bowler hat, and (I kid you not) monocle, as an outfit, might just be worth more than my parents' house - but it's rare. Stephen Fry lives in St James' Sq, and as a parish resident was kind enough to give us an interview for our quarterly magazine, but obviously doesn't come on a Sunday!

Anyway, the community of St James' has chosen itself. The church's main attraction is not it's the one nearest - the church's main attraction is its soul. The vision of the church is a radically inclusive interpretation of what it means to follow Christ, with a large drive to be proactive in creating change which can be seen in their mission statement. And the diversity of the community goes beyond one congregation. There are people who identify as part of the SJP community who have never met; it's a network of groups, and massive, multiple Venn diagram.

So it is deeply impressive that the ministry of St James' is just so good. I have been told over and over that there's nowhere like SJP and good gracious is that true! There is just so much going on - if that's the diagram of the people, imagine what management of it all would be drawn as! The key as I see it has been delegation. Ministry is provided by the clergy certainly, but also the entire team of staff really, like the vergers, and also a dedicated set of long-term volunteers, enthusiastic mid-term volunteers, ad-hoc volunteers, and basically everyone is welcome to pitch in.

It's a way to keep the behemoth running, and it works because of two things. One, the prevailing attitude is of encouragement and a rejection of judgement. And two, people respond to that attitude because they have chosen the church themselves, and if you've actively aligned yourself with a community, you are much more likely to want to support it.

Being a visitor at weekday services has been interesting; I’ve been to seven, three in Cambridge and four in London. I didn’t think about it before I started, but I shouldn’t have been surprised that the churches that are most likely to have actual services during the week – rather than other activities – are Anglo-Catholic, and high Anglican churches. So there hasn’t been the diversity of experience I thought I would get from visiting so many. It has been achingly lovely that the services are so familiar; the theory of Common Worship in practice is wonderfully reassuring for a newcomer.

It didn’t really give me an idea of their ministry though. I occasionally looked round at notice boards and the like, and the priests were varying degrees of welcoming. Some didn’t come up to me at all, some stood by the door and did a basic handshake greeting, and some kept me in conversation about myself, why I was there etc. Obviously the latter was most enjoyable for me (an extrovert). So the only ministry I really experienced was a dedication to keeping up tradition and a regular, frequent schedule of worship and Eucharist. Only two had coffee afterwards, both in Cambridge, and presumably they did so because they were morning services, as opposed to lunchtime or evening. The third morning service, also Cambridge, was nice simply because I was the only person who turned up, which pleased the priest no end. The intimacy of a two-person Eucharist was novel and absolutely great – the feeling of connection and sacredness was totally different to a big Sunday morning congregation affair.

The eighth church I have visited was a Sunday evening service at a conservative, evangelical church. TOTALLY different ministry, jeez. Not a Eucharist service, to my surprise. Millions of young people and students, singing worship songs with a band. A leader in casual normal clothes speaking about the church’s recent activity, and then interviewing one of the young people about their journey from Hindu to atheist to Christian, with very leading questions like “What was it that made atheism just not work for you?” Then a humongous sermon that didn’t really say much except repeat and underline very basic principles of the faith. And it was Pentecost, but was that mentioned? Nope. Which made this outfit I happened to be wearing stick out even more.

The leader came straight up to me and was very insistent in recommending I read the Gospel (as if I haven’t). A small part of me wondered if he thought I was possessed by a fire demon.

So obviously this experience was a very different ministry. The service was simple, singing and talking and reading the Bible. The thinking was minimal, the speaker similarly sticking with simple truths and not going very deep. Doesn’t appeal to me in the slightest, but people want different things out of their communal worship, and their religion itself I suppose. Not everyone responds/finds it useful to have a structured liturgical year, or have a physicality to their ritual of moving around, bowing, call and response, eating and drinking. For some, life is complicated, and religion is a way of having easy answers to big questions, so there is a part of life they don’t need to think or worry about.

It was popular, so the ministry did appeal to a lot of people. And – leaving the conservatism aside – creating a simple space for people’s spiritual life to be a relaxing, easy experience I suppose is a good ministry to provide, and the basic principles extolled were about the same as I’ve experienced elsewhere. I just hope that as the congregants get older, they go further afield to seek deeper wisdom so their journey with God doesn’t get stuck at this surface level beginners stage.

When it comes to mission, I don’t really think I have any experience. It immediately brings to mind “God Hates Fags” signs, and that’s definitely from media intake rather than personal experience.  My reflection on my experience of mission is that I need to get some!