Video: I went to a liberal evangelism conference

Check out #LibEvangelism to hear other people's experiences of the day, and lots of great quotes from the speakers.

Video: Named, Known, and Called 2017

Video: Young Women - Your Call

On Saturday 23rd April, I went to Coventry Cathedral for a young women's vocation's conference. There were 87 young women attending and about 20 ordained and lay women organisers, with a handful of husbands helping! It was the first all-women event I've been to, and I was having flashbacks to my school days at a girls school.

I videoed a quick summary of my thoughts as I waited in the train station, and below is a run down of what we did, and the notes I took during the sessions.

I had train issues but still managed to get there in time (go contingency time!) and we were welcomed before sharing in morning prayer. Celtic morning prayer, which was cool (I recently book the Celtic Daily Prayer book, which I'm looking forward to using). The first key note was Bishop Anne talking about vocation as a woman.
Notes from the welcome:
- under 40 and especially under 30 women under-represented as priests
- feeling of sisterhood! Surrounded by others, all have a story
Notes from the first key note
- God's voice is richer for being the living Word as opposed to human words
- what does God trust me with? Trust me to do?
- courage - embrace pain and joy, the risk of trusting the next step
- phrase 'anunciation moment' [useful to describe my moment in September]
- have sense of the potential of who I can be in God
- children and ministy = careful planning
- lifetime of discerning God's call that weaves in and out of the tapestry of our lives [this was an overriding theme and a really good analogy, such as only being able to see the mess at the back rather than the picture God is weaving on the front]
- women reject job descriptions if they don't think they can do 10% of it
- trust God through fear, like fear that you're on the wrong path - you can't fall beyond the reach of God's will and God's love

After a tea break, the second key note was basically a session on how to defend when someone brings up arguments against the ordination of women. I gotta be honest, I started getting uncomfortable at this stage, and realised that being at a targeted event about vocation may be great for young women who might not otherwise look at themselves as potential priests because of their gender, but I did not have that problem. It also rankled that a) I was basically being defined primarily by my gender which is an attitude I don't tolerate in my life and b) it played into the system of the gender binary, which is itself a factor in the patriarchal systems of female oppression, as well as just out of date thinking that I reject.

But speaker Lis did use the phrase 'the Gender Agenda' and sadly, people do have an agenda based on repressing the female gender. I made notes, and it was, I suppose, useful to hear positive interpretations of scripture, but I'm making the decision not to put them here, as a statement of my belief that we need to get past this position of defense; it was needed 20 years ago, but my generation is putting gender aside. It is not relevant to judging my aptitude at ministry, and as much as I love my gender and am proud to be a woman, I will not even give the space for the possibility of argument any more. It is finished.

I enjoyed talking to the young woman who I ended up sitting next to for the morning, but at lunch talked to others who migrated to the appropriate seating area designated by geography (ie south, south east etc). But sadly, because there were so many of us, and we weren't really pushed to stay in one area and talk to the same people, I spent most of the day feeling a tad isolated, and didn't bond with anyone the way I had at all the other, smaller, events I've been to.

Like in Kettering and York, we took seats at tables, and stayed there for most of the sessions, and lunch, which meant we had motivation to get to know our neighbours. Without the anchoring of a consistent place, I was really lucky to talk to anyone, and even luckier that I bumped into the woman I sat next to in the morning, at the train station, which was great.

After lunch, we split into smaller groups to attend short seminars that we had picked in advance. My first was 'Young and Ordained' and two women, a new curate, and a vicar, introduced themselves, told their stories, and asked us to talk to the person next to us about a person in the Bible that we related to.
My notes from this first half:
- hard to leave settled life - calling is not static, God 'sends'
- ordination is not peak of calling
- I related to Peter; the start and end of his calling by Jesus 'Follow me' and 'Do you love me?' - that's what Jesus is saying to me too
- but what can I, and only I, do in answer?

Then they talked about the challenges and joys of ordination.
Challenges
- 'Wisdom beyond your years' - expectation that clergy know what to say. Not necessarily 'the right quote', 'the right psalm' - no formula. God gives us words, just be yourself.
- 'Making and maintaining friendships' - friends spread out as you move around, especially young people move more. Be intentional - use holiday, make effort to go and to host. Who is important to make time to see?
- 'People taking you seriously' - not as bad as you might expect. Blagging it so people feel calm and reassured. People expect to see a representative of God. God equips.
- 'What people expect of the Vicar' - afraid to tell vicar that they [the vicar] are wrong as the priest should know. Can be asked about ethical and moral decisions.
- 'Being true to yourself' - look like self in dog collar. At first very aware of the collar. Feel judged. Alright to have friends in the parish. Rise to the challenge and adapt. Blurred lines especially for ordained with big personalities [!!] in different situations. Still forming in 20s/30s, getting to know yourself now in a public space.

Joys
- meet lots of different people
- feel right place, time and doing. Not what people expect lead to opening conversations.

Straight into the next seminar, it was really great to have sessions on other callings that parochial ministry, but uniquely in my experience led by actual practitioners of those other callings. I listened to three chaplains talk about school, prison and university chaplaincy.
Notes:
- spontaneous, holy spirit-led ministry
- broad, in every sector
- "religious/spiritual care in an organisation"
- finding God at work
- can volunteer to get experience, go through vicar or DDO
- multi-faith model, for the world
- creative, opportunities
- round peg, square hole in parochial ministry
- God also calls to stop
- drop in income doesn't matter if happy in position
- not imagine self in parish
- [thought to self, could there be an LGBT chaplain, rather than a place chaplain?]
- chaplains are on the edge
- prison - intense and emotionally demanding
   - large capacity to love, love those otehrs would find difficult, and can't loveselves
   - gift of love to loveless place, and bring hope that anyone's broken life can have meaning
   - structured expectations - visit new prisoners within 24hrs, visit segregated, visit hospital
   - paid by prison service, but critical friend eg on policy
- uni - students have less baggage
   - Christian community
   - wider community - all faiths and none, generous
   - element of mission but not priority
   - religious literacy - prepare students for a world that is 85% people of faith
- 'friar' in community [I like this image]
- "be you, there"
- school - welcome and hospitality, mental health
- resources for worship
- put on services for organisation
- "be a good guest"
- not of the organisation whilst in it
- talk to anyone, full access
- earn trust and show integrity
- lovely, a privilege
- transience, let people go
- listening

Bumped into a familiar face from CPAS!

More tea and coffee, then a final session for a panel Q&A.
Notes:
- have to be recommended by vicar
- know where you could engage the debates, and where you can't
- trust each other to be under scripture and under God, and walk together in prayer
- mental health difficult in church context
- at first, revisit feelings of incompetency
- it will cost for family
- look at all college options - not straightforward - what experience do you want, needs in academic theology, time, community, tradition, somewhere you can come alive
- official discernment process comes under Equality Act
- call is complicated - follow and obey but also life does happen and can change course - God works through strange ways
- husbands not so hot on clergy spouse support as wives - careful of boundaries with your spouse - are they called to be part of ministry
- take ordination vows seriously eg obedience - can be part of the Church's own discernment - Issue of Human Sexuality "content to live within these guidelines" - have to accept to be put forward for ordination
- BAP - vulnerability of being 100% convinced whilst also knowing that you're coming into the possibility of being told you're wrong

After one more cup of tea, we have a lovely Eucharist, and as I said, I had a lovely chat with one of the other attendees at the train station, just after I filmed the video.

Video: Vocations Weekend with the Society of Catholic Priests 2016

Below I have outlined in more detail the events in the video, and have included the notes I made at various sessions.

FRIDAY
After arriving at the accommodation and checking in, we gathered in the chapel for tea, biscuits and cake (which was soon to become a theme of the weekend!) to mingle and awkwardly try and get to know each other. We were a mixed group - late teens, 20s, 40s and 50s, 6 men and 4 women, from all over the UK and a couple of other countries as well, on a variety of places on our journeys of faith and vocation.

Our three guides for the next couple of days were a curate at a local church from the Society, an ordinand and parish assistant from another local church, and a member of the Community of the Resurrection, a religious community nearby. They gathered us, and the curate promptly introduced everyone to the "not an icebreaker" exercise of giving one's name, and the story of one's shoe. Vespers were said before dinner, after which we re-congregated in the chapel.

We spent the evening together, first with the curate telling us her story of vocation, and then breaking into groups to discuss our own. My notes from that session were:
- I was introduced to the term 'altar in the loft' syndrome, which refers to children playing at being priests in the same manner as 'playing house', or 'playing doctors and nurses'
- joy/confidence - sharing gospel
- Time is always an element of our journeys, but crucially it is God's time
- BAPs can be horrible - that can be a sign that it's the wrong time
- I was particularly partial to the imagery that discernment includes mountains to climb and ditches to fall in

Compline followed, and many of us walked to the local 'Spoons, having found the intended pub closed, much to the dismay of the curate.

SATURDAY
After breakfast, we set off in a few cars to the first church of the day, for Eucharist, a cup of tea, and a chat with the parish priest, a lovely woman who had had her calling to priesthood slightly later in life. She told us of the struggles in the area, holding the parish together when two merged, the new building and its cafe, all sorts.
I have notes in this slot, but I'm not sure if they were from this session. Here they are anyway:
- if your path turns from vocation into career building, it'll feel wrong
- we are often called to abandon our nets like the disciples, our nets often being our security

Piling back into the cars (the day's drivers were heroic) we were soon at our next stop, where we met Rachel Mann. Look her up. She's awesome. She spoke so eloquently and passionately, even those in the group who might have taken issue with her transwoman identity spoke of their admiration for her obvious faith. I didn't get my notebook out anywhere near early enough but I did write:
- priests aren't superheroes - ours is a vulnerable God who carries the wounds of the cross forever
- people want to love their priest, and be loved by their priest

Speeding on, we visited what was obviously the prettiest church, as it was the parish of our curate guide. Tea, soup and sandwiches was followed by a chat with our monastic guide, who talked of his calling to religious life.

We were greeted at the next church with, you guessed it, tea and cake. We spend some time in groups reflecting on our day, and what I got strongly was a new appreciation for the importance in most parishes (but not mine, so it was a novelty) of the actual geographical parish

We moved to the side chapel for what was for me the most useful session, with the Bishop. Bishops are the decision makers in the CofE, so getting his perspective, especially on their decisions regarding candidates for ordination, was a real insight. He also spoke wonderfully of calling, and faith.
- making a difference
- thirst for sacred and longing for encounter with God
- our buildings provide space for the 'other', as well as resource and equip a community
- the criteria should be part of my prayer on my vocation
- looking for evidence of real, authentic, lived out friendship with Christ, and a want for others to find the friendship
- not a social club - first duty and joy as a church is worship
- discipline of prayer (an unsurprising theme of everything I have heard or read on vocation)
- how are things between me and God? not how should it be or what state am I working towards, Right Now, even if I'm on a difficult path, is there a sense of peace about that path? if there is, I am where God wants me to be
- how am I the living gospel?
- service - servant community, love in action
"Go into all the world, and preach the gospel, and use words if you have to " - St Francis [yay for subtle evangelism! Must remember this quote]
- being ordained in a privilege
- looks for sense of need for growth - TTI (theological training institute) is place/time for formation
- woundedness is not the barrier - what you do with it can be
- the priestly ministry is distinct within ministry of all believers
- preaching, teaching, sacraments, pastoral care, mission
- the uncomfortable thought "that is what I was born for"
- Is this what Jesus is asking?
- red flag - overconfidence, if the candidate thinks themselves already everything required and God's gift to the church

Vespers followed, and after a brief rest, a fun meal shared on the Curry Mile.

SUNDAY
Breakfast and checking out preceded returning to the church where we talked to the Bisop the night before, for morning prayer with the parish priest. Of course we grabbed tea and biscuits, before sitting in the social room for a chat with him about the process. He gave us the perspective, to add to the Bishop's, of a member of the panels that report back from the BAPs.
- discernment involves listening to others, listening to God
- BAP is not an interview for a job, it is a time and place to get to know you and line you up in the context of the criteria
- in younger candidates, less emphasis on evidence, more on potential
- there's a gap in uptake of women under 30, especially non-evanglicals

Going through the criteria
A - being able to tell your story
- listen but also talk to others including those outside the church
- don't be embarrassed
- priest - sacraments, service, connections, represent and enable others to witness Christ, leader
- can be uncomfortable language, don't be scared of the words
B - asked where you've been to, basically tell your story and understand your own personal tradition including how you got there and which forces have shaped you
- good to experience other churches
- two telling questions - what are your interests outside the church? What do you believe will be the main elements in your future ministry?
C - friends can be part of spiritual direction, not crucial to have official spiritual director, though advised
D/E/F - mostly assessed at the actual BAP rather than preceding paperwork
- being able to talk, and honestly, about difficult times
- be relaxed
- say who  you are, assessment is of your calling as you, not the person you think they want you to be
G - not just being a believing Christian - critical, articulate, involvement in your life
- can have nuanced 'coming to Christ' rather than dramatic conversion
- what do I understand Christ to be? can have different expression
H - mission and evangelism = two separate terms!
- look up five marks of mission
I - flexibility of mind, openness to change and challenge
 - awareness of others' vulnerability
- breadth of personality eg films, reading etc

TIPS
- talk to people about my calling in and outside church
- diocese vocation fellowship?
- run with what you find interesting
- not too bothered about being on the PCC or synods
- in the group activity, listen to others' views and draw things together
- get involved at parish level but also focus on bigger picture eg Greenbelt
- be informed about the Church
- inform about religious/spiritual interests and explore why inspired by certain people
- PRAY. Discipline is important, regularity is very Anglican
- placements can be good
- red flag - over-assertiveness, though show vulnerability, only in a balanced way

Mass was basically Catholic, which was an novel experience. Not my cup of tea though. Talked to some of the congregation, over tea naturally, and had a fab lunch of cold meat, hard boiled eggs, salad, bread and cheese.

The last session was a bring and share. People brought books that inspired them, Bible verses, a teddy, and I took my children's Bible, because that's where my story always starts, and it reminds me that I am dedicating my life to a story, the telling and sharing of stories, and I should never forget that.

Benediction of the Sacrament and laying on of hands was all new as well, but rather sweet. I had to run to catch my train, but made it in time, and got home. Yes, I cried that night as seen in the video, but I meant what I said.

I would highly recommend a vocations weekend, I got so much more out of it than day conferences, not just as we were able to fit more organised stuff in, but also from learning from my companions as we got to know each other through worship, sharing meals and experiences together.

Answering some questions

These questions came out of the vocations day I attended a few weeks ago, and I'm finally getting around to trying to answer them.

• Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?

Ultimately yes, but emotionally it would be very challenging to process that I had misinterpreted what I feel as a calling to ordained ministry. Intellectually, I trust God and want to do God's will, so the path via which I'm meant to do that will be the right one. I know that, but it was take a long time to accept if the path is not the one I thought it was, a time of confusion, self-reflection, and a sort of grief I think. I'm looking forward to being ordained, so it was would be sad not to be; but I would hope that with the revelation that I am not called to ordination would come a joint revelation of what I am actually called to, as God has always worked in my life in the form of opportunities at the right moment.

• What is my leadership style?

Embryonic. I'm still very much working on my leadership skills. The confidence to lead I have naturally, but the finesse of a style eludes me. What I do in leadership roles is geared around enthusiasm, attention to clarity and detail, and thoroughness. I can be quite good at anticipating issues and planning accordingly. I'm better at planning and executing a plan than I am at thinking on my feet. I know from feedback that I need to work on my personnel interactions as I can lack subtlety and diplomacy sometimes - I find it hard to 'play the game'.

• What is my heart's desire?

Making the most of life

Expressing and facilitating love

To be good and right, to understand

To support passions, and facilitate understanding

To help inspire God's people to worship and to love

• What are my motivations?

Morality. Love. Thorough understanding.

• How has God used me already?

I suppose in the usual ways as an example for people to see a Christian try and live a good life and not use their religion as a weapon, or a defence, or blackmail, or an alibi; I provide conversation, companionship, advice, comfort etc in some people's lives; I am helping a church community that does great social justice, support, and a sensible evangelism.

• What is the way God calls me?

OPPORTUNITY. I am shown the right step at the right time, it all fits into place and only looking back do I see the pattern. Since I realised I believed in Christ and wanted to follow him, I'm always had a sense that it was important, and that included a vague instinct that I would go into the church some day. That instinct grew into a certainty, then a background niggle, and at the right time it sprang to the forefront of my mind as a necessity. Over the years, the priority of my faith has grown stronger but never too strong within the context of my life within each stage.

• What is the Gospel to me?

A story with a nuanced and deep message of love, forgiveness, a harmony of inner and outer truth, and a call to enter into relationship with God at the heart of the universe. It is the starting point from which we can branch out in all humanity's glorious diversity in understanding the world, and a form of truth (ie a story) which unites us in the core truths we all share.

• How do I know when it is God talking?

After the fact by seeing the consequences of following a course of action.

• What is the church here for?

To be a space for humanity to concentrate on the spiritual, but also the place where they experience God to centre the rest of their life around God. That includes discussion, debate, worship and ritual, song and dance, and creating a community that takes common goals and together go out in the world and achieve them. The church should be a reminder to return to the priorities of love, kindness, and interdependence. The church facilitates the development of relationships with God, with tools, encouragement, and wisdom.

Video: Step Forward 2016

Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.

Entrance hall

The programme looked like this:

10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart

"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones'  to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:

• Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
• Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
• Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain

(details in my blog posts first, second, third and fourth).

The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:

Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality

Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling

Abilities - Communication, Organisation, Energy

Personality - Confident, Generous, Focus, Love, Cheer, Honesty, Passion

Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ

Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).

Window in the main conference room

"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.

After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:

• hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
• non-negotiable icons of Christ
• burden of non-stop priesthood
• learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
• Both in the world and in God's world
• Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
• Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
• Live from within my heart

Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.

Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.

Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.

Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!

Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.

I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates

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On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!

Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.

I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.