My BAP and the result

If you don’t follow me on Twitter (which you should, of course, so click here) then you won’t have heard the news. Before I had even had time to process the BAP enough to put together a blog post about it, I got the result – I’ve been recommended!!

To keep in chronological order, I’ll tell the full story of hearing the news after telling you about my BAP.

Now, for good reason, candidates are advised not to go into too much detail about exactly what we were asked etc so I wrote some notes as I went about how I was feeling.

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Thoughts from the BAP:

Monday 26th June 2017

12.30pm – D-Day

About to head to the station to catch my train. I've given myself a nice easy morning feeling relaxed and a little productive. I'll go over my notes from the last few days on the train. I should have built in enough contingency time if something goes wrong with the transport - otherwise I'll arrive with enough time to unpack and settle before we kick off.

I'm feeling like you do when you wake up at half 2 in the morning to go on holiday - that tension in the stomach that comes from excitement and nerves, even though you know what you're doing and it's all currently going to plan. I'm all jangly with adrenaline, my senses feel heightened, but I think I'm okay.

I've done all I can. I've followed the call and prepared myself for this week. I think I've got a good shot ie I think God has called me as I am and at this time, and I've just got to trust that my judgement on it is accurate. I trust that the outcome will be what it's supposed to.

Monday 26^th June 2017

4.30pm – start of the BAP

Arrived and settled into my room. I can’t believe I’m here, and I can’t believe this is it. I’ve been getting so many messages of support including some arriving to post to the retreat house! I have all the cards lined up on my desk, and I have lots of little messages from St James’ people that I will open throughout the next few days to keep me going.

It’s a lovely little room with a view out onto the garden. My fluttering heart seems out of place in the tranquility of it. But this is the quiet before the storm – I’m always calmer once the storm hits! I’m going to spend a few more minutes going over my notes and then head down.

8.30pm – end of BAP day 1

Only one assessed exercise so far; we’ve been getting to know each other a bit and had supper. I’m relaxed now, which is good. It’s exactly what I thought I would do – I’m a confident person so I’m lucky that it’s been fear of the unknown that's made me most nervous. And it’s just ordinary here. It’s people in a place, it’s rooms and corridors, tea and lanyards, garden, chapel – yes, it’s a holy time that we are spending prayerfully, but that doesn’t mean puritanical monastic discipline and everyone being all serious all the time. Which really helps. So I think so far I have managed the main goal – be myself.

Tuesday 27^th June 2017

5pm – part way through BAP day 2

Meant to write something before lunch but it’s all been quite tiring! It’s only sitting around talking and listening but it’s a lot of concentration. The guys running it are all very good at putting us our ease without losing the sense of being focussed on the task at hand.

Three more assessed tasks down. This morning of presentations was quite fun really, and this afternoon I had my first interview, which went better than I thought, thank you God. It was almost fun too. I felt more relaxed than I thought I would be, I didn’t blank like I thought I would, and I didn’t regret anything I said. I even had something to say at the end when he asked “would you like to add anything?” which I normally blank at as well!

Wednesday 28^th June 2017

9am – start of the last BAP day

My second interview yesterday evening went well too, so here’s hoping that my last one this morning will make a hat trick! A lot of us candidates spent an hour or so after compline having a few drinks in the lounge, which was nice. It’s always good for me to be able to socialise, and for us all to have some completely relaxed time, with people who aren’t judging us.

I can’t believe it’s almost over. This fulcrum point in my life has not felt as profound as it actually is – but then, I’m making the turn at the moment, but the new direction won’t be confirmed until the phone call from the bishop. So really I’m still in suspense even come the end of the BAP.

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Getting the news and how I’ve been since I heard:

I got back home the evening of Wednesday 28^th June, and a week later in the evening of Thursday 6^th July, I was sitting eating beans on toast waiting for Mock the Week to start on TV when an unrecognised number rang my phone. Yes, it was the bishop. When he told me that the assessors had recommended me and he was happy to accept, I made this funny high pitched noise, like a cross between a yelp and a squeal! He very kindly also said "They knew a good thing when they saw one" which made me blush.

And to be utterly honest, after the phone call ended, I turned the sound back on the TV as the opening credits of Mock the Week started and after a few quiet tears, I sat back and laughed at the jokes. I sit here now, several days later, and I’m still a little numb with shock, like my nerves have been fried, overloaded and overwhelmed.

Being a bit of a detailed planner, I had already written a list of people to tell immediately so when the programme ended, I methodically messaged them all, then went to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling. I prayed something incoherent, not able to muster the inner stillness to encounter God, but eventually did get to sleep.

Like a lot of the process, life has gone on around this massive life changing thing without the pause that's needed. I didn’t haven’t time to contemplate on Friday, I had things to do! I had a friend come over for lunch and we baked cakes. It wasPride in London on Saturday, so I had to do preparations, like bake cakes!

Timing went awry. She left about 5pm and I started making two placards (I’ll put Pride pictures at the end of this post). Then half 9 at night my mother called me to try and talk about that oh-yeah-i-forgot-I’m-going-to-be-a-priest thing, and I muffled (incoherently again) at her while I stuffed crisps and biscuits down my throat as ‘dinner’ and said goodbye to set up for the next task. I started painting my nails at 10.10pm, got to bed at 1am, got up at 6am.

Got to St Martin’s at 8.30am with face paint and temporary tattoos done, and set about writing out the liturgy I had figured out with the priest the day before into a service sheet, whilst refugees cooked in the kitchen. 10am, about 25 people gathered in the church for said service, prayers for Pride, and it was very moving.

Can you tell yet that I was fairly well distracted? Saturday was awesome, having lunch with the St Martin’s people and going to march with them in the parade, and the Pride Eucharist was beautiful at St James’. But I was so tired by then, even the mystery of the sacrament didn’t penetrate.

Then back to work Sunday, including pelting across Westminster after leading the children’s club at St Martin’s to arrive in time to give a notice at the end of St James’ service to share my good news. And then getting home exhausted, barely catching my breath, before going on a nostalgia trip of what might have been, going to watch a show that, had I not left theatre, I would have been working on.

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I still feel numb. I need time, and rest, and space, to soften, to settle into the reality of what my life will now be, what has finally been decided. I can say that I was aware of the tension I hadn’t realised was there lifting after that phonecall. I realised my body had relaxed, after a week of subconscious anxiety, waiting for the news.

I'll go see the DDO to look at the report later this week, and see the rector at St James' for a bit of a debrief. And then more paperwork and plans for Durham! Aaiii.

I reckon it’ll hit me in a few weeks, when I’ve got time off work to go to Taize. I’ll let you know. But oh my God you guys, I got through…

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(Pride pics as promised)

Getting crafty making placards

Baking cakes, because we queers need a lot of sugar!

All the colours! Pride is only reason
I own orange nail polish

Not as good as last year,
but gets the point across

Going for a subtle look....

TERRIBLE PUN YEAH

St James' AWESOME altar cloth

St Martin's Rainbow flag on Trafalgar Square

Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: sacrifices for my calling

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session One

A few nights ago I went to the first session of the London Diocese’s ‘Towards Ordained Ministry’ course. DDOs and college chaplains in the diocese refer candidates and potential candidates to this every year; it is another tool within the resources for discernment, but it lies in that in-between world of not quite being BAP prep but also being more intentional and sure than initial exploration events. Talks are based on the vows in the Ordinal in the context of ‘Pursuing your Vocation in the Diocese of London’.

This is how they put it:

“Here is a great opportunity

-to explore and learn more of your vocation to the ordained ministry

-to get to know others from different traditions than your own

-to hear speakers who themselves have been along this road

-to share in discussion and prayer”

I’ve got to be honest, it’s the first time I’ve felt positive about the Diocese’ vocation resources; it’s such a shame that they don’t manage to support people earlier in the process as well as this course supports people who are further along.

Anyway, the first session was a corker. The theme was Authority, based on the vow to “accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority” and we were honoured to be addressed by The Rt Revd and Rt Hon Dr Richard Chartres, outgoing Bishop of London.

All my experiences of Bishop Richard – my confirmation, a drinks reception at his residence, several Easter Vigil services at St Paul’s – have confirmed his reputation as a wise and caring yet competent man, and this session was no exception. It was a privilege to hear him speak, with eloquence, wisdom and humility, and a smattering of humour, as well as get a chance to talk to him in the relaxed mingling beforehand. He asked where I had come from and when I said St Martin’s, his follow-up was “Ah, which part of the empire?” which shows you a little of our reputation within the city.

I knew one other pastoral assistant there, from our Area PA support group, and he and I chatted with three girls sitting next to us, two from slightly higher churches and one from a very much lower church.

He spoke for about an hour, so I’m going to just summarise my notes, but I didn’t write everything down, just the things that struck me, though hopefully I’ll be able to convey a flavour of his talk.

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In his introduction, he talked of balancing a need to ‘listen profoundly to colleagues’ whilst also being aware of the danger that ‘heavy structure’ (like endless committees) can be a huge ‘energy drainer’.

1.

His talk was then structured in three parts. The first was the root of being ‘one holy, catholic, and apostolic church’, and the importance of the Church of England’s identity as part of its authority. We have never denied that there are other parts of the ‘1HCAC’ and often, if not quite adapted to, at least encouraged local expression of faith (subtext being: remember we’re not Catholics, homogenising and exclusivist).

Ecumenism is now framed in a context of looking forward to the ‘great and coming’ church of the Kingdom, but the CofE has the privilege of being able to reach in any direction and touch the whole spectrum of ‘church’.

One of my favourite points he made was that the clergy must not just be collaborative, but instead ‘conjunctive’, not just making joint-efforts but genuinely joining and combining. Because we are fundamentally and intentionally not sectarian, we must look for allies in the mission on the ‘shared passion’ simply for the Lord Jesus Christ.

2.

An ‘assent on worship’. This was an interesting section which touched on the fundamental difference between Christian and Muslim understandings of God. Whilst in Islam they submit to a Supreme Will, Christians reach out to an Almighty Love. The key is the transforming truth of the Trinity, for our communion is not static but dynamic, as God’s true nature is. From ‘Adam where are you?’ through ‘Samuel! Samuel!’ through ‘Mary!’ to the climax of the Incarnation itself, it is into dynamic relationship that we are called. Bishop Richard advocated the BCP as a ‘balanced and simple diet of scripture-based worship’...

3.

…which led nicely into the authority of scripture and the creeds. A wonderful phrase he used about

scripture was the importance of ‘hearing the whole symphony’ rather than extracting ‘bleeding gobbets’ to rely on and 'bash each other over the head' with. ‘Spacious inhabiting of scripture’ is important, within a ‘community of interpretation’. Crucially this includes the writers of the Creeds, that though long-dead, using the Creeds is a way of reading scripture not just with our contemporaries but also our predecessors, who deserve as much respectful deep listening as anyone alive now.

This leads us into being able to, as Common Worship puts it ‘proclaim [the faith] afresh in each generation’. Bishop Richard emphasised the importance of having a presence on modern platforms, and inhabiting the ‘territory of the 92%’ ie. the population of London that does not engage in Christianity. He advocated creativity as crucial to success in this.

After his talk, there was a time for questions. The first was ‘When did you discover your vocation?’ and his immediate response was ‘After I was ordained’. He explained that it was only once he was a deacon working in a parish that he found his vocation in doing the ‘ordinary work and being admitted to the tragedy behind every face’. He also pointed out that it was necessary to have healthy distance between the role and your own person – do not assimilate.

He also returned to ecumenism, which he said works when we look to the whole community and as conjunctive allies, looking in that same direction together. He warned of the trouble in the future (that we will inherit as the next generation of clergy) and condemned schism as ‘obstinately metaphysical’ especially in the context that for the under 30s, church is becoming ‘post-denominational’. He went on to lament the ‘ignorance of Christian grammar’ in the country.

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Future sessions will be:

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Video: first intern meeting

Video: Responsibility in relationships

My new job as Pastoral Assistant

(So yes, as I announced in my last post, I got the job that I mentioned in this post - in the video I talk about it 1:45 til 4:40 - I'm going to assume you've watched that and read the post.)

In September, I am going to start as pastoral assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields, a CofE church on Trafalgar Square, of high worship style, liberal theology, and a great culture of enterprise to get out and help people. It's known for it's charity The Connection at St Martin's, as well as it's Vicar's Relief Fund and almost a century of Christmas Appeals with BBC Radio 4. They also have popular cafes in the Crypt and the Courtyard, and occasionally celebrity/royal events.

The church also has a fantastic music programme, with concerts for free at lunchtime, or by candlelight in the evening, masterclasses, jazz nights, and six in-house choirs. Every time I've been to any service, the first thing I tell people when they ask about it is "well, the music was incredible!" I don't know if I'll be able to join any of the choirs, but I really want to if I can!

I have specific duties in my role in children's ministry, liturgy, and pastoral care; and in general my role will be assisting the clergy, working with all the staff, and experiencing the breadth of the church's work. The job very much has a mutually beneficial dynamic - the PA is a team member who is part of the running of the church's work, but is also there to experience ministry with an eye to going further into it.

As I mentioned in the video, there was some discussion on whether I would be sponsored in discernment through SJP not SMITF, as they have more often sponsored their PAs themselves. As far as I'm aware, it's all okay for me to carry on with St James', so that's good.

I was so nervous before the interview. As I said in the video, I had a gut reaction to this job, and I wanted it BADLY. I've never been so nervous. If I had fucked up and not got it, I really didn't know what I would do - it seemed inconceivable that I would continue being a stage manager. It just made perfect sense that this opportunity came at exactly this moment, but unlike other perfect opportunities in my journey of faith and vocation, this was not just something I had to take. Other people decided whether I could take it.

This has been my first experience of human gate keepers in following my calling from God, and it wasn't pleasant. I had to remain realistic throughout, and whilst I kept a hope and faith alive that what I felt was right would be my path, it ultimately lay in the hands of others, and there was a chance they would say no. That is the same scenario I will encounter at every stage of the official discernment process and this preview has shown me, by gum, it's going to be hard.

But anyway, I did get it. After four days without news, I was so stressed I just upped and walked out the house and stomped out to the fields, and sat on a bench by the river, sighing, crying, and staring into the distance, like I was in an Austen novel, minus lacy hanky. I eventually rang them, but got the answer machine. Despondent, I started back home, and as I walked up church lane, they rang me back. When the good news was imparted, I stopped in my tracks and literally bent over, leaning on my knees, in utter relief. When we finished speaking, I hung up, and thew my hands in the air with an almighty "YEEEESS!" bellowed into the sleepy quiet of the village. When I got back, I told my parents and burst into tears.

I am over the moon. It's going to be an amazing job that I will enjoy, get a lot out of, and also be pretty good at. Only yesterday a friend was congratulating me on managing get paid to spend the majority of my time doing something I love ie being at church! But more seriously, the job is going to put a lot of stuff that I've only thought about in theory to the test ie. ministerial qualities and skills that I need to be a priest - do I have them? We shall see. It's going to be doing ministry, watching clergy at close quarters to see how they do it, be backstage and involved in the liturgy in a depth I just didn't have access to as a lay volunteer, and getting to grips with what it takes to run a church.

To sum up, here's an extract from my application statement:

"I have been involved with various vocations events, like day conferences, and weekends away, as well as attending a variety of services within the Anglican tradition, and going on retreat on Holy Island; but discussing and sharing conversations about my faith, my calling, and myself can only go so far in the exploration of vocation. Actually doing it is the best way to work out how one operates and what one’s gifts are; the difference I saw between talking about being a stage manager and being one at college was tremendous, only overtaken by the difference between training on the job, and doing the job as a professional!

Also being part of a prayerful worship community full-time is a unique context in which to encounter, respond to, and connect with God. I suspect there will be developments in my relationship with God that would only be possible in the opportunity of being a pastoral assistant. The role of service is an integral part of finding freedom in God."

NEWS - why I've been on blog hiatus

Anyone who reads this blog regularly will know that I have not posted in a unusually long time. This is not because nothing has been happening with my vocation, you'll hopefully be glad to hear. There are in fact six different things that have happened since my Spiritual retreat on Holy Island, but because I've basically been under an 'injunction' to refrain from sharing the news about the one BIG thing, and the one-big-thing impacts my entire perspective of basically everything else, I have not wanted to share about the other things whilst dancing around the one-big-thing.

If that makes sense in English.

So in brief, the six things that have happened are

• THE BIG THING - I have been offered and accepted the post of Pastoral Assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields for a year starting in September

• I met with the rector of St James' Piccadilly to discuss this job and where next to take my discernment process
• I went to yet another church to experience a different type of service, and it was my first experience of a conservative, evangelical church, and my outfit made it a little exciting!
• I had a meeting with the vicar of SMITF which was an interesting experience
• I had a second meeting with the curate of SJP
• I went on my first parish weekend away with SJP

As this is quite a lot, and normally I would have blogged each separately as I went (and I appreciate I have let myself down a tad by not writing drafts as I went, ready for the lifting of the 'injunction', as this blog is supposed by an account written as it happens, not in retrospect), I won't write a massive long blog that no one is going to read. I'm not working at the moment so I'll write separate posts for each thing over the next few weeks.

To sum up though...

I AM SO HAPPY AND EXCITED ABOUT MY NEW JOB WHICH IS EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE AAAH!! :D