Being a third year ordinand

Some things are common across any ordinand who is in their final year. We are in a weird limbo where curacy conversations have probably started over the summer, and for many, visits, confirmation, a bit of bureaucracy, then an announcement might actually come before Christmas.

So first term is a lot of extra effort arranging the next step, but by the end, it might all be set up, and you've still got two terms to go before actually taking it. It is one of the most common comments about final year, that one is both now and not yet (yes, that's a theological reference, a-thank you) excited about curacy but having to concentrate on dissertation or ILP, assignments, lectures and placements. Plus still dealing with the infantilisation of being a student, accommodation issues, finance juggling, and trying to actually have a life beyond college.

This week I had a curacy visit, and everything else at college has been an extra effort; my motivation has been seriously affected by the future talk, going round the parish, getting to know the team (and I'll reiterate what I wrote last time, no, I can't tell you where it is yet) and all the exciting details that are triggering my imagination. My mind is time-travelling to next summer, my Pinterest is full of furniture I'll never be able to afford, and wait, what further biblical studies essay?

On the horizon I will be ordering an ordination stole, inviting people to the ordination service, buying other vestments and clerical wear, that day that is coming when I will put on a clerical collar for the first time, and eventually organising moving dates. All that will come with more academic deadlines, leavers events and who knows what else will be thrown at us before we can finally get our teeth into this curacy business.

Other things are singular to third years, who are commonly very much a minority, as more people have two years of ordination training at college than three. I have made several comments this term to the effect that being a third year means pendulum-swinging between cynicism and nostalgia, adding to an already complex long-term relationship with the establishment. In getting to know yet another bunch of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed first years, it is hard not to feel some empathy with the ancient of days (oh my, another reference, this time biblical - that'll be the evangelical influence!) using phrases like some old codger in the nursing home - "back in my first year, it was all very different. You don't know how lucky you are!"

This is probably true of most third or further year students across academia, but I think there is something particular to an ordinand - most of us had a life before this, a first degree, a career, friendship circles and established favourite drinking holes, and now we've moved, we're retraining, and we're going to move again; the world-weariness is deeper, with those extra laters, than a 21yo finishing their economics degree is going to have.

Being a third year ordinand means finally feeling confident on placement but not having the collar of authority and invitation that a lot of friends and peers who have already gotten ordained have in their ministry contexts.

It's being incredibly bored at this point of explaining the discernment and training process to people in your life who, let's be honest, have actually heard it fifteen times already, but unlike the people at college, aren't living it, and therefore it slips from their memory.

It's looking at the four walls of your student accommodation and seeing the ghosts of piles of packing boxes, both as a step back in time to arriving at college, and a glimpse into the future of leaving, finally, getting out, and getting on.

It's being determined within all this nonsense to be present, to not make the mistake of some of the two sets of third years you've seen go before you of checking out early. So yes, get to know the shiny new first years; go to college events as if a party in a lecture hall is still incredibly exciting fifth time around; complain about the food (whilst incredibly grateful that you have it, especially with enough experience to know what is worth having and what is worth avoiding); and yes, make stupid theological jokes in general conversation/blogposts because you're still here.

You're still in this confessing college environment. You're still chained to the academic machine that demands words in chunks of 1500, 2500 and eventually 12,000. You're still living your life, every moment, every breath God gives you, and each of these days is of equal length, and ideally of equal value, to any days coming which are the other side of that line in the sand that is ordination. The line in the sand that was going to theological college is a distance memory, disappeared over the horizon behind you, and it seems like such an age since you crossed it that surely this stage is over. But it is not. It is still going, and you are called into this moment, as with every moment, to be blessed, and to be a blessing, whatever that means in this context, right now.

These lines in the sand are useful reference points; we are but only human after all. But they are not set by us, they are not in our control - what we do between them is.

As a third year, I am constantly reminding myself that I do not want to look back at my time at college with a glumness that it was a grind to get through and thank God I'm out of it. No, I want to look back and remember thanking God that I was here, now, with these people and in this place.

I'm trying, and I'm failing, and I'll keep trying. For one more year.

Video: Holy Land trip 2018

Right, one year down, two to go! I will write or video an update about my third term and how I'm doing come the start of second year, but for now I will be uploading videos of the adventures I've been having over the summer!

Just to give you an idea, I was in the Holy Land for a week, then I went to Taize for five weeks. I spent a week in Scotland with friends, I was at Greenbelt (and talking on a panel of all things!) and soon I will be flying out to Johannesburg for a month long placement!

Hopefully that excuses my lack of updates. You can see I'm busy doing ordinand-y shenanigans. 

So without further ado, the first video of my pilgrimage to the Holy Land!
(It's a tad long, but trust me, stick around for the hilarious ordinand double-act sketch!!)

What is expected of me?

Bear with me on this one - I need to tell an anecdote but it does get to a point eventually!

I had a weird day yesterday (Sunday 10th June 2018). I got up to go to the cathedral to acolyte and I already knew something was wrong. On Friday we had our summer party, and though I did not drink or stay up particularly late, I still had a long day (including taking two classes at placement) and an energetic party. Then on Saturday I got up at 4.45am to catch a train to Cambridge, where I spent a full day reflecting on my trip to Johannesburg in September before getting the return train to Durham, getting back, cooking/eating, and going to bed.

So I already knew Sunday, yesterday, was going to be a bit of a struggle. I was tired, but to start with I only had that odd ache that's not actually painful in my head and face, if you know what I mean. I arrived at the cathedral, and the others in the serving team came in one by one, and we ended up in a different configuration to the plan - I was altar server rather than acolyte, and I was to administer the chalice for the first time.

But my theatre background did me some credit, being able to roll with these punches. But I got a much bigger 'punch' when one of the team came in, sat down, and opened with "You are always so rude". Startled, I asked for clarification, and thus began a strange conversation that I did not really have the spoons for (if you don't know this phrase, see this explanation) but I got through anyway.

It was about my conduct towards this lady, namely not noticing her, such as not responding to her 'Good morning' to the group when she entered, and other times that she listed off when she had seen me at college or in town and I 'had ignored' her. Now, I had met her only once before as far as I could remember, so I tried to point this out - is it not a reasonable thing that I did not notice her when my brain doesn't know her face well enough to recognise it in contexts where it is unexpected? That didn't wash though.

She then tied it to ministry, checking if I was an ordinand at all. At this, I got super nervous. She was tapping into one of my self-doubts that I've have since I decided to become a stage manager, let alone a priest - I have always struggled with a) recognising people and b) being observant, which leads to situations like this where people think I'm 'an arrogant snob' ignoring them, or that I don't care to remember them. Particularly, people expect a priest to be the exact opposite, and this lady expressed real concern that I wasn't the type of person who should be becoming a priest at all.

I defended myself to a certain extent, reassured her that I would never have snubbed her on purpose and it had never been personal (I genuinely don't remember ever seeing her outside the cathedral! Make of that what you will), and thanked her for her feedback which I made sure she knew I appreciated. But I was mortified that I had upset her with my behaviour, intentional or not.

Reeling, I lined up with my candle in formation and by the time we sat down for the reading, I had a nasty headache. I tried to concentrate in the service but I was shaken, seriously disturbed, with all sorts of thoughts swirling like sand stirred on a river bed in my mind. But by communion, I was distracted from my crisis of vocation by increased pain - after the distribution I was almost panting and I realised this was the onset of a migraine, which I have experienced only 3 or 4 times previously.

We got up at the final blessing and I could not stop tears leaking as I gritted my teeth to finish the service. I made it up the aisle, and out into the vestry, and after some curt goodbyes, stumbled home, took some codeine and buried myself in bed, relived from the intolerable pain and falling heavily asleep. I woke hours later, and had a peaceful afternoon and evening.

But as I returned to bed at a more traditional time last night, I was beset with the doubts of the morning. I had resolved in my woozy state in the service that I surely needed to turn my life to be less self-centred and more focussed on others, but how can one become more observant, and better at recognising people? Is that something I have control over, something it is even possible for me to improve?

Being recommended for training gave me a boost of self-confidence, but really, being an ordinand hasn't allayed any of my doubts about my suitability. And I think this encounter shows the high level of expectation laity put on clergy (I actually wrote mine here) and the personal investment even a fleeting relationship leads to. Even of an ordinand, who from my perspective is still laity and a work-in-progress, the capacity to live to this higher standard is expected.

I don't dispute this, I suppose I just had not truly absorbed it, that I am basically already an echelon of clergy. That's weird to digest when I'm not getting ordained until 2020. How much do I give myself some slack and how much do I hold myself to account here?

This is part of a greater discussion about feedback and by whose authority, whose standard should I be held up against, and it's complicated. It's hard to find the balance of judgement of what to take onboard and what to hear with a pinch of salt. Where do I go from here? Do I reassure myself that I am doing the best I can or knuckle down to try and change my behaviour to fit in with this lady's expectations of clergy? How do I reconcile the knowledge that I am called as I am with the gifts that I have to offer, with the understanding that discernment and training is a process of learning/gaining knowledge and skills, both of my innate gifts, and of others that aren't as natural that I need as a priest?

How much of priesthood is shared, and how much is unique I suppose is my question. Who gets to tell me 'a priest should be like this' when I am discerning what kind of priest I will be, and if I am not meeting people's expectations as an ordinand, how much of a warning bell is that for my focus in improving myself for future ministry?

I am grateful for this feedback, for another perspective of my behaviour, and for a glimpse at one of the pressures clergy are under. But it has set me spinning. So all I can say at the moment is - God help me.

Video: This is what discerning feels like/DDO 5

This won't make sense unless you watch the video, which is clips from 5th December and 15th December so make sure you watch it first:

This post was written throughout the following weeks since the video over Christmas.

I will paraphrase the report, as it is a personal document between me, my DDO, and the psychotherapist who wrote it, so I'll try not to break confidence and quote it directly. The part that caused concern was it was felt that my emotional maturity still needed some development; that I didn't let or allow painful experiences affect me ie. I put truly difficult feelings at a distance. This led to doubts that I should go forward for selection at this time. It wasn't a 'no', just a 'not yet'.

Firstly, I'll step back and address why this was flagged; why, if it's true, this is a problem for a potential priest. Lucy was helpful in explaining this context. It has become an important part of the discernment process that as well as assessing whether someone has the call, would be good at the job, and would an asset to the Church and its congregations, etc, there's also an emphasis on assessing whether they will be able to handle the job, and can look after their own health and mental health.

Priests are under so much pressure and encounter so much of the drama of life, so much of other people's suffering, that without the proper tools - eg understanding how they work best, having a support network that is reliable, making good use of that network, having stable strategies to deal with their own emotions in emotional situations - they will probably eventually implode or explode, or 'burn out' as is the common phrase.

This is referencing Criterion D: Personality and Character, which says "Candidates should be sufficiently self-aware, mature and stable to show that they are able to sustain the demanding role of an ordained minister. They should be able to demonstrate how they have faced change and pressure in a balanced and flexible way and how they manage stress." To evidence this to the selectors, candidates "should be able to speak of how they have coped with difficult life experiences, how they have reflected upon them and incorporated them within their life and understanding."

Drawing further from the criteria, I don't think the therapist thought I am completely reconciled to my own vulnerabilities and limitations, and she had worries about my capacity to assimilate and deal appropriately with my own response to negative or difficult life experiences. If I were to be a priest like this, the chances are that it would break me.

Talking with Lucy was tough. I felt like she really jumped on this as a grade A excuse to stop me going forward, making suggestions of what I could do instead in September, like spending a year at a L'Arche community. I was glad I went to her, because she emphasised the importance of not thinking about the timing, not letting the practicalities cloud my thinking about the important stuff, which was in fact discerning something personal. But it was disheartening that she seemed quite so keen to stop me; she did say she would support me if I decided to continue, but with a look that suggested she was already trying to work out how to comfort me when I get rejected. But this could just be bias based on residual resentment from the first part of our exploration, when I was wrongly frustrated at her.

I have since talked to my parents, who have the advantage of coming at this report with a fairly comprehensive understanding of my emotional/psychological history, and I was unsurprised that it was this conversation that has been most helpful. I can now see the grain of truth that the psychotherapist was trying to point out. She didn't get it right, of course not, she met me for only 90minutes, so she over-estimated what she saw. But she did identify something that could be a problem if I went ahead unaware of it.

I do compartmentalise when it comes to crisis or problem-solving or being helpless. And there have been times that I have parked my emotional response to a situation over to one side and not dealt with it as well as I could have. But it's not something I do every time. Most of the time I do deal with it, but up til now it's not been a conscious process - I've been lucky that without realising I needed something, like to do something about the situation, or talk to my boyfriend, or go out with friends, or take a day to myself, or whatever the strategy was, I did it without thinking. So the times I didn't handle it well were the times that I wasn't lucky, that I didn't accidentally sort myself out. Now I'm aware of my lack of strategy, over the next few years I can put conscious thought into what I need and eventually those moments of failing to deal properly will be very rare and not based on accidental luck.

Pausing the discernment process now isn't going to help. Yes, there are things I could do to show I have started addressing the issue raised, and talking to my landlord who is studying to be a priest himself, I understand I can't just give empty reassurance that I will mature in my relationship with my emotions - they need hard evidence, so I will have to do one or two of those things, like work experience with a prison chaplain or volunteering for the Samaritans. Lucy was keen that I get more experience of being in situations where someone is suffering and I cannot fix it, which mean I can't respond with action, and those seem more plausible options than her main suggestion.

Sure I can see her concern that if I was plopped into a job as priest right now, I might not cope so well. That's what the psychotherapist thought as well. But I'm not going forward to be a priest now. I'm going forward to selection for training. Three years of academic study and formation at college, then three to four years of experience and formation in curacy - this will bring me to being a minimum of 31yo before I am officially able to work as an unsupervised priest, and 31yo me will look a lot different to 24yo me. She'll have learnt about herself and gone through years of life, and life generally matures you even if you resist. And now I'm forewarned of one of the issues to put some effort into developing, I'm doing the opposite of resisting!

This report hasn't been given to me to stop me. Like I said in the video, I would know something like that in my gut, in my bones. It's not got the feeling of a change in direction. No, this was handed to me as an opportunity to start digging into myself below the surface, and listen to the people around me. I had a similar experience in the first year at Guildhall, so God has precedent doing this in my life. That time I needed to become more aware of myself and some of my faults to get into the right frame of mind to train as a stage manager; this time I need to do the same and go deeper, building on everything my 8 years in backstage theatre has given me, to begin the second stage of my vocation, and become the priest I'm meant to be.

As Lucy and I discussed, this is what discerning feels like. This is the inward looking journey that I need to go on, because it's not just the Church that needs to get to know me - I need to learn more about myself as well. This has been hard. As you can see, I got this news weeks ago and it's only now that I'm getting a handle on what it means for me. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had issues to resolve - you can see in the video how determined I was in my initial reaction to circumvent the long hard look at myself to which Lucy pushed me. But this is what is needed. Even if I become the Archbishop of Canterbury - first among equals, primate, archbishop, bishop, priest - I am always laity first, a frail human being that is a single part of the body of Christ. If I don't know who I am as a person, I won't come to know myself as a priest.

I want to see Lucy one more time before I go back to the DDO and tell him I want to continue. Hers is always a useful insight and I want to further our conversation with the developments in my own thinking since our last meeting. I've also received a 'write something every day for 365 days' notebook for Christmas, and I've challenged myself to express my emotions in this notebook - not what I think, but how I feel, and it's already proving that I'm not very clear on my own emotions, so hopefully it'll be another useful tool in self-awareness.

Post Script
As for the priest's report, to be honest it was just really nice. He said I seemed to have two sides, a more precise side and a wilder side, and he said that as a compliment, he found me to be engaging; and it's also had quite an impact on me by pointing out that I do in fact have quite a dedicated prayer life, I've just been too perfectionist about it. This was useful to have pointed out, and I'm less anxious now about feeling inadequate vis a vis prayer. Those are the things that have stuck with me, so I'm not going to get it out and analyse further.

Happy New Year! (Next time you see me, I'll be filming on my new camera, wahoo!)

07/09/2016 One year into exploration of vocation

As you can tell from the date, this post is tiny bit late, but the idea behind it is to do an anniversary blog, to look back over my vocation journey. You can see a summary of my progress so far on my page Steps on My Journey (recently nicked as a concept by my antipodes-based-vocation-blogger-turned-friend whose amazing blog you can find here).

I just watched my first, minute long vlog, which I did at 2am, having decided to start logging my journey, and in hindsight, it's bloody prophetic. In it I said that I was excited and whilst "not wanting to sound dramatic", I felt like I was on the verge of quite a big change. Sitting here, two weeks into being pastoral assistant at the church on London's Trafalgar Square, too right it's been dramatic, my life has changed entirely!

My second post was my faith history, and in the video accompanying the blog post, I said how putting it down as a sequence of events brought forth a coherent story. That feeling has been firmed up considerably in the last year. I've actually been aware of the story as it unfolds rather than only when looking back, and I think that's because I've been very slowly opening myself up to God and actually looking for God in my life, which is a big step that I'm still working on. As my last post said, God has been an underlying current in my life and often I've gone along without any awareness of God supporting me, carrying me, surrounding me, and loving me, at the time. This last year, probably more like this last six months, I've started connecting with God in the everyday fabric of life, and so catch glimpses of the pattern God is weaving.

As I said in the other post, it's been a task of submission, and I'm inching my forehead closer to the floor at God's feet, and getting better at looking at my life through heaven's eyes.

Then I watched this video after my third talk with the rector, on the 30th Nov last year, and two things struck me. I said we talked about how my stage management skills and ways of being need to be used outside of the theatre as well, and I didn't know it at the time, but I think this new job is exactly what I need to make that happen. Who I am professionally is being overlaid and interwoven with who I am at church (because I'm now professionally at church!) and that's part of the larger journey of my identity reforming as more in Christ, because I am tangibly serving God everyday. I've always said I'm not wired to be a good 'secular Christian', and sure, I'm only two weeks in, it's too soon to really say, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to prove myself right on this one.

Second thing from the video was the laughable hope I had that Lucy would send me to the ADO in January. Ha ha I laugh at myself. I have audio visual evidence that setting up expectations and deciding my own timeline for the future is utterly pointless and again, I should submit to God, be taken along by the river and just try and keep paddling in the same direction.

So many things are actually happening now. Over the last year, I have had many moments of frustration, feeling like nothing was happening at all. But looking at that list of Steps, I've been rather busy. But I shouldn't be surprised - God and I have a very slow-moving relationship, because it is true that I do better at things in life if I get to work up to it in a thorough and methodical manner. God understands that better than I do when I'm being blinded by my enthusiasm and passion. If I were able to tell my past self from a year ago that by now I would still not have seen an ADO, past-me would have been angry and sad, dismayed that what felt like a real pushing drive to follow God's call is being acted upon on a timescale that doesn't match.

But that's past-me. Present-me has grown an acceptance of the situation. I've pretty much relinquished control to God, though I still get the odd twinge of anxiety when contemplating my future. And now I'm in this job, it's enough to keep my busy and distracted, whilst at the same time obviously itself being God's tool to shape me for that future. Lucy and I are also making headway, and as you'll see in a future vlog, I'm meeting others that will be part of the journey too. Things are moving, I am changing, and I'm just so pleased with where my life has brought me.

Video: Spiritual retreat on Holy Island

I spent five days on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, off the north east coast of England, on retreat. I've never been on retreat before, and I decided to just take myself off to somewhere quiet and remote, pray, walk, and not set myself any goals or schedule. I could have done all sorts of guided retreats, silent retreats, or gone to retreat houses where you can get spiritual direction, but for my first time, I wanted to just give my self space to be with God, and also just have a break.

I wrote a journal, so as to keep track of my activities and musings. I've typed it out here if you want to read it, and I've also summarised my spiritual thoughts and revelations at the bottom of this post with a video of a few snippets of the experience. But you will miss the chronicle of an epic sheep drama!


Tuesday 26th April
3.20pm
Trains were all fine and the taxi driver was lovely. I've booked him to pick me up on Saturday.
Got shown round. My room is small and, like the rest of the house, plain. I am regretting not bringing my slippers. But it shouldn't be too cold. [Famous last words]
I've unpacked and just given myself an hour or so to relax and settle, just playing Tetris, listening to a podcast. I'm going to make a cup of tea.
3.55pm
Sitting in the social lounge (as opposed to the silent one) with my cup of tea, I've been getting to know an elderly couple also staying in the house and helping with the crossword whilst writing out Isaiah 61:1-3 in one of my notebooks.

4.25pm
Just finished reading over my hand written faith story and put a final sentence to end it.
5.15pm
Feeling tired, been reading. Bit like a detox period at the moment, I think.
5.50pm
Just finished evening prayer. It will be good to do it several times to get over the novelty and relax into the actual prayer.
Aiden, the founder of the monastery and school on the island, was a 'gentle Bishop', so hopefully something about his example might bring out the gentleness in my soul, if I let it, and God willing.
7.30pm
Lovely dinner of chicken leg, beautifully tender with tasty, crispy skin; perfect baked potato, soft fluffy and flavourful, almost crackling, salty skin; salad, and coleslaw.
Great conversation - there's 7 of us. Susan (50s?), Avril and Colin (70s), Betty and John (60s?), and Anne (70s) [though at this point of writing, I was still learning names!]
These old, northeast bunch of people, they're a bit of laugh. We're in the lounge, just chatting.
10pm
Just finished talking for over an hour with Colin about how to deal with differences of opinion within faith and the problems of religion, scriptural interpretation, the concept of dogma, all sorts! He prayed for me just before going to bed, and he was really positive about petitioning God that if it be God's will, that God make my path open to the priesthood. So I can't have said anything or had any attitude or manner that made him think I wouldn't be good. It was such a fun conversation.

Wednesday 27th April

7.50am
Well, it's not fun doing morning prayer whilst being able to see my breath whilst inside the church!
It's nice to be able to do it first thing. Though doing it with others, the sensory experience is of droning, not exactly uplifting. Not too bad for evening prayer, but I would hope for morning prayer to be a little more energising, even when solemn.
8.35am
I could barely concentrate on the Eucharist, I was so cold! After breakfast, I have to fill the morning. First day of challenge.
10.10am
Bit of porridge and coffee for breakfast. Bit of chat with the others, then they headed off to the house's morning prayers, at a more civilised time two hours after the parish church's. I headed out. the weather is pretty lovely, so I'm glad I'm out and about.
The key I think is being in the moment. Being just here, on this rock, watching those sheep, and the sea. This is not getting away from my life, this is still my life, God given, blessed, and God is only closer here because of the way I am here. If I could be peaceful, and quiet anywhere, God would be just as close.
11.55am
In some ways it's easier to relax somewhere unfamiliar. If you have no ties, you have no responsibility.
The island has a different feel when the tourists come. I've spent the morning doing all the visitor things - up to the castle (though not in it, not for almost ten quid!), around all the town's shops; got some fudge and indulged in a beautiful silver pendant, St Cuthbert's cross, with a garnet at the centre;

the mead/winery, had a taster, I suppose mead is quite nice, but I wouldn't have a bottle in the house; keep wanting to get a standing cross, but it would only add to the clutter on my desk, or my knick-knack shelf.
I'm currently sitting waiting for the hermit's island to clear of people. I'm not going to pay to go in the priory or museum. I did that last time I was here [whilst on holiday in Northumberland with friends, the summer after A-levels], and I got some great views of the ruins from the lookout tower, first thing after breakfast.
12.50pm
The key to enjoying the outdoors here, in April (apart from getting lucky with the weather, like I have this morning) is finding the sheltered corners. The minute the wind isn't in your face - loud, cold, messing your hair - it's idyllic.
I'm just waiting for lunch. I spent the last 45 minutes sitting on the far side of the hermit island, in the sun, out of the wind, without a single person or dwelling in view.
My thoughts wandered all over the place, and then I did indulge in reading Facebook. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't worrying, and that was pretty blissful!
No divine inspirations yet, though.
3.45pm
Lunch was tomato soup, bread roll, cheese, biscuits, chutney and fruit. It might seem odd that I'm cataloging the food, but I'm trying to take life as a whole experience, rather than seeing certain bits are 'counting' more than others.
After dumping my morning's purchases in my room, I headed straight out. I went down to the castle, and headed round the island's coast. I'm writing this on a break, just before the last leg back into the village, having circumnavigated the whole island!
It was so wonderful, and I've been blessed that shockingly it's been blue skies and sunshine.
I sang most of the way round. I was totally alone, with an occasional sheep, so I blared out a mixture of church and Disney music.
Of course, I wasn't totally alone. God was there. I couldn't see a person, nor even any sign of humanity, just sea, sky, dunes or fields or grassland. But I wasn't alone.
I can't believe I'm sitting here worried about sun burn. I set off in teeshirt, cardigan, big hoody, zip up hoody, and winter coat. Now I'm down to shirt and cardy.
It was a good thing I brought my hiking boots. Well done me.

5.15pm
I suppose I feel a bit like I'm finally starting to set roots down. These last two decades have seen seed planted, shoots appear, small leaves come up, and shoot grow slightly into sapling. This period I'm going to say is the lengthening of roots, becoming more secure a base and reaching for resources.
5.55pm
Lord, let me be worthy to take up the mantle of shepherding your people, your church, your bride, your beloved; worthy to follow in the footsteps of so many before me who have given their lives to you and your gospel.
7.50pm
I am pooped! Barely 8pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Dinner was lovely again. Boiled ham (amazeballs), mash, carrots and parsnips, but I didn't partake of the curly kale; followed by ginger cake with lemon sauce and sorbet.
Sitting in the living room, wondering when is polite to retire. I have less patience with the old folks natter without any energy.

Thursday 25th April
9.30am
Shower, morning prayer, Eucharist (again, too cold to concentrate), porridge and coffee, and then a bit of a rest. Yesterday was energetic, today will be calm. But it does mean I'm a little stumped on how to get going. Hopefully the day will be of prayer, contemplation, reading, and insight.
10.55am
There's basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God.
3.45pm
Started reading a novel I brought - looked in the front and realised that I bought it in Alnwick, just nearby, last time I was in Northumberland! It's funny how my friend recommended I buy it from the gigantic second-hand bookstore, and I've had it six years but not had the impulse to read it. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's not that profound.
Lunch was cream of potato soup, lovely, with same sides and cheese as yesterday.
Afterwards, I popped into one of the gift shops I didn't go to yesterday, and it was good thing too. Last night I'd been getting fed up of the tiny mugs here, you know the ones, white standard that you get cheap in bulk. Serviceable but can't get a proper cuppa.
I had in mind to get a mug today, and the shop had a great selection! I got one with designs from the Lindisfarne Gospels.
I really want the pastoral assistant job I've applied for. I'm going to be bereft if I don't get it. It'll be a consolation if I get one of the other ones, but I really want the original one, the one that sparked.
It's raining at the moment - it was blessed luck that I had such fantastic weather yesterday, though I got a great picture of the castle and priory after morning prayer.

7.10pm
This afternoon, reading the Celtic midday prayer, the sentence "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us" stood out.
Then at evening prayer, the word 'beauty' came up again, in a prayer given by the leader and I suddenly welled up with emotion as an image rose to mind - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches and leaves, thick lead lines, and red shining leaves - and I felt sure and reassured that my tree, the tree whose roots I sensed yesterday, will be beautiful.
Dinner was goats cheese and cheddar tart, with a few tomatoes, accompanied by potato wedges, beetroot, and salad with homemade mayo; followed by fresh fruit salad and cream.
10.16pm
Went to the pub tonight. Had a drink with John, and the chef after he clocked off. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to talk a little Geordie?!
Tomorrow's looking to be another indoors day. I'm hoping I'll be a little less scared to pray, and also a little more connected to the communal morning and evening prayer.

Friday 29th April

7.15am
Last day, I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow. Looks rainy.
10.35am
I had hoped to have a hot breakfast at the nearby cafe, but they hadn't opened by 9.30, I gave up and had a large coffee instead. I've been reading most of the morning.
I stopped to pray, and decided to use one of the exercises I had put together for my Circus Spirit talk on Sunday. I brought them with me, and thank God I did!
I chose the one that just sets out a formula for writing a prayer, and got out my, well I suppose you would call it a prayer diary, of sorts.
It's an old notebook that I used at one time to write my intercessions 3 or 4 years ago, when I first attempted the Daily Offices.
As I started to write, it was a bit of an epiphany moment. The part of prayer that scares me most is thinking my own words to God, but writing them is actually fun! It seems so obvious; I'm always writing, I blog for pity's sake, it's been a natural pastime since I learned my letters as a child.
I think it's going to really help if reincorporate my prayer diary into a routine of prayer.
4.55pm
I've spent most of the day either reading the novel, listening to podcasts, or the radio. Lunch was chicken and veg soup with the usual trimmings. I found out that I had got my wires crossed about where to get a hot breakfast, so I'll try again tomorrow.
This afternoon I also went through my copy of Daily Prayer, going through the notes and writing a summary how-to guide in the cover. I own it so I have no qualms about writing in it, in pencil mind. I also had the great pleasure of spending two hours listening to one of my favourite radio shows live, for the first time in years, because normally I listen to the podcast.
Just been in the sitting room with Betty, John, Anne and Susan (Colin and Avril left yesterday). A banana bread has appeared in the kitchen, as baked goods are wont to do here, every other day or so.
We sat talking about writing novels, cats, Supervet, The Durrells, Home Fires, and then Betty's heartbreaking childhood. Makes me so grateful that I have been blessed and extremely lucky to have a great childhood and wonderful parents.

8.00pm
Dinner was a slight disappointment. I'm not keen on fish or seafood, and it was salmon. I pleaded off having any, and piled my plate with new potatoes, carrots and broccoli, and had the white sauce with parsley. It was alright. Slightly redeemed by two portions of apple crumble and custard!
8.45pm
Just arrived at the pub. Really great folk duo, singers on fiddle and guitar. Beautiful harmonies, she's got a lovely voice, his blends well. I got in as it started to hail.
9.30pm
The third dog just left, leaving two still here. Dogs make a proper pub!
9.35pm
This is a moment of happiness. Cider, book, fire, great music, hubbub of not too many people. Not a care. Maybe a taste of heaven. Got a feel of the eternal, maybe. Music touching my soul, content and on fire.
10.20pm
Nice conversation with a Scottish couple down from Aberdeen, on a whim, for the night, sitting on my table. Actually, I sat at their table.
Do you ever feel that musical talent is inherently attractive?
10.55pm
In bed, about to say (whisper) Compline.
The sky cleared whilst I was whiling away in the pub, so that as I walked back in the crisp, clean air of an island at night (cider jacket keeping me cosy), having said thank you to the Edinburgh duo (I stayed for an extra tune when he cracked out the wooden flute, which was even better when he sang in Gaelic), I gazed up at the perfect sea of stars in the deep blue-black. Bonus of the night was reading the phrase "Jesus cockadoodle Christ!"
O, tonight was indeed rather fabulous.

Saturday 30th April
10.15am
And so it is my last morning. What a glorious morning! Woke up to beautiful sunshine, and now I'm enjoying the great outdoors on this quietly gorgeous island before heading back south.
I'm watching an unfolding drama. A very loud female sheep leading her lamb who stops very often, making mum bleat all the louder. But I'm on the lamb's side - where is she going? She's left the flock behind at this point, totally out on her own.
I'm surrounded by midges, and I'm probably going to catch the sun, again.
10.30am
Can't believe I forgot to mention I got my full English, finally! It was pretty standard, nice enough.
Group of what sound like Germans walking below me, singing.
10.45am
I have solved the sheep drama! Down behind a wall I couldn't see around before, there was another sheep and two lambs. By the reactions when finally the bellow-er and reluctant lamb reached them, one of the new lambs is the twin of the reluctant one.
OMGoodness more drama. They've all moved to the marshy bit and the friend sheep started bleating, and was replied by a fourth lamb on the other side of the water. They've all just raced round to be united; how on earth they all got scattered, heaven knows.
Heading back now, just passed the musicians from last night - he was sporting a marvelous poncho and what I can only describe as a rather suitable minstrel's hat!

11.30am
Parked up in a caf round the corner from the station. Kind of shot myself in the foot with caution. The scheduled time for the causeway to be passable [to get off the island - it's cut off from the mainland at high tide] was 11.15. It's a half hour drive to the station, but I put in some contingency time, and booked a 14.12 train, I suppose thinking I'd grab some lunch.
But because I had a large cooked breakfast at half nine, that does not appeal. So I'm going to nurse a cup of tea here long as I can, then I'll take up residence in the station waiting room.
2.45pm
Thinking of strategies for a new prayer regimen. Last plan was three reminders on my phone at 8.30am every morning - pray, reading, reflection. This meant do one session of some sort of prayer, read the Bible reading for the 'read a Bible in a year' (which I am actually keeping on top of!) and read the reflection on the CofE app.
But there was no schedule, and there couldn't be with my work being so different every day. New plan is be less strict so I don't get as guilty if I don't manage it, and mix up morning/midday/evening/night prayer between CofE and Celtic prayer, and each time I pray I read bible or reflection.
That should work, and can be adapted with different work situations. Have considered putting alarms on my phone, but don't think that'll be good.
4.30pm
Finished the novel.
6.25pm
Just an hour away from home now, so I'll try and wrap up. In some ways, I feel the same way about being on Lindisfarne as I do about being at church. I like the person I am on Lindisfarne, same as I like the person I am at church. It gives me hope that such spiritually motivated settings bring out what I feel is one best in me; maybe that's indicative that that's where I belong in my life.
I've come to terms with a few concerns I had, that were preoccupying me. Staring at the sparkling sea puts you in a useful frame of mind when contemplating tough things in life. Or maybe I was just more open to God's guiding and healing grace.
And I've already talked of my motivation for a routine of prayer. Maybe this is the spark I've been waiting for, the launchpad of the next step in my development.
God knows.

-
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• Gentleness - if I could be peaceful and quiet elsewhere, God would be as close
• Never alone for God is there
• This period of life is deepening my roots for a secure base
• There is basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God
• Beauty vision - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches, thick lead lines, and red leaves - reassured that my tree will be beautiful
• Use my prayer diary to write prayers
• New strategy for prayer
• reassuring that I find spiritually and/or religiously motivated places bring out the best in me - does that indicate it's where I belong?

Video: Living on a prayer

Less vocation-related, but a sharing of only my second experience leading a group religious discussion about prayer. See the video for my presentation, or the full text is below, followed by notes from the discussion.

Prayer is a big topic, but here at Circus Spirit, we decided to concentrate on “What is prayer?” and “Does it work?”

What is prayer? A year ago, I might have been able to give you a simple answer, when actually I didn’t really know.

Does it work? Again, a year ago, I would have shied away from thoughts of ‘the power of prayer’. I knew that I was supposed pray, but I also knew that I was absolutely terrible at it. I chose this topic in no small part to educate and motivate myself.

But improving at prayer is a tricky business. Priest Kevin Scully puts it quite neatly: “How does one learn to pray? By praying. Is there a way to learn more about prayer? Yes, by praying. What does one do if one experiences barrenness in prayer? Pray. How can one deepen a sense of the divine? By prayer.”

It’s a very subjective act, and I would put forward that ‘what is prayer’ and ‘does it work’ are both subjective questions.

That said, as with most human activities, there are a lot of similar experiences. Prayer is a common feature of most religions, and even people who don’t have a religion, pray, often in their own way and for their own reasons. People pray for all sorts of reasons and to all sorts of objects – to one divinity, to many gods, or to gurus, spirits or angels, saints or the dead, or concepts, like ‘Wisdom’, personified in the Psalms for example.

I talk to God. I talk to God with a reverence that I would give a leader and a boldness as if I were talking to a friend. My most common prayer is gratitude. My second most is generally a desperate plea for help.

This echoes a classic structure of prayer from my own religion, Christianity. It is often described as ‘adoration, confession and petition’; I was introduced to it long before I knew such big church words; I was introduced to it by a friend, whose advice was to pray the ‘teaspoon prayer’. TSP = thank you, sorry, please.

This is the way that I and many sustain our connection to God. Like any relationship, it takes time and effort, and whilst good to acknowledge where we know we’ve done wrong and ask forgiveness, the confession, it is also a dynamic of give and take – adoration and petition. As for petition, I ask for things, I do, because it’s not a one sided relationship where only I put in an effort.

And as for adoration, I praise God for the blessings in my life and the wonders in the world. Whilst I do try to show this gratitude in my everyday life, it is important for our relationship to communicate directly and put into words my gratitude.

Note, I did not say it was important for God, but important for our relationship. Often an intellectual barrier to beginning, growing and sustaining a prayer life is, if God, an all-knowing divinity already knows what I’m sorry for, how grateful I am, and what I want or need, why ask? Now, as a religious person, an easy answer for me to give would be ‘because God commands it’.

But that’s not good enough. That’s not enough reason, for me. So I found a few reasons why God might command it. As these are my thoughts, they are inevitably Christian-centric, and they certainly aren’t an exhaustive list. They may not even be right! But here we go.

Why would God command us to pray? If we were blessed without supplication, if we got good things in life having not asked at all, we could be tempted to assume independence. For God and humanity both, that is the opposite of what many feel are our true natures. They would say our natures, God’s and humanities natures, are of relationship; we can see it in humanity, because many agree that it is a base purpose and desire of a person to seek connection and intimacy, and we see it in God, in Christianity anyway, because God is a trinity, a single power in a status of eternal relationship.

Similarly, many would say that God desires communion, like a Father finds an unreadable scribble given by his child precious beyond measure. It cannot be denied that people’s experiences throughout the millennia have been of a divinity that communicates. Now you may not think any of the experiences were supernatural or divine in nature, but you can understand the conclusion of some of those who do think they were divine, that God communicates because God does want to hear from us directly, even though it has no impact on what God knows. It is not the content of, nor even the scribble itself that the Father cherishes; it is the act of giving, and being given the scribble that bonds the child and parent.

As I said, a relationship needs effort, and cooperation on both sides. For a lot of people, prayer opens our hearts so God may work on us; we have to open our end before God can easily get through. This is also a reason we need to pray to an all-powerful God – even an all-powerful God would hope to work with a subject that is willing and open to being worked upon. I’m not saying it’s necessary, but you can understand why God would prefer it that way.

Christianity also has a tradition of meditation, which is attempting to reflect on revelations of God; and a tradition of contemplation, which is simply bathing in God’s love.

An answer to the question ‘what is prayer’, in comparison to these two similar states, meditation and contemplation, might be that prayer is focused time of sometimes monologue, and sometimes dialogue, that we may be aware of grace and blessing, and aware of our own wrongdoing; a time to remember to be grateful, and to be repentant. To my mind, prayer is pure attention, an expression of our response to life and the world.

David Macintrye wrote of prayer in the 1800s, and he quoted someone called John Laidlaw who said “A sense of real want is the very root of prayer”.

But if that’s the case, what’s with all the tat that often surrounds prayer? What’s with prayer beads, mandalas, prayer mats, icons, bells to get God’s attention, using scripture to pray, and all the millions of words of written prayers, whole books of them?

Now this can be answered in two ways, and applied to all props, costume and ritual in religion – firstly, humanity is a bit rubbish left on its own to contemplate the ‘other’ in the world; most of humanity needs tools to help it focus, otherwise ‘pure attention’ is corrupted by the distraction of something shiny, or delicious, or naked, that seems must more important and certainly more interesting. Nothing wrong with shiny, delicious, naked things, but if you want a relationship with God, if you want to connect with that ‘other’ within you and all around you, if you want a chance to see the extraordinary in the ordinary, you have to pay attention.

And secondly, prayer can be a sensual experience, not just about what you say. The words may be intensified by the tactile motion of running prayer beads through your fingers. Or if you’re not speaking but ‘listening to the silence’, an atmosphere enhanced by pungent incense, or an environment with rich beauty for the eyes to feast on, or an icon of a saint whose life story speaks to you of God; even the colourful, embossed cover of a book of holy scripture which glorifies its contents – if you’re listening to the silence, that experience, that living in the moment of stimulated senses, the experience itself of the coming together of beauty, that experience can be a wordless prayer

So the need for ritual is common, even in silent spontaneous prayer.  In Islam, there is an understanding of two areas of prayer, the spontaneous, and the official to be recited. Most rituals offer some form of written prayer.

There’s private written prayer, such as a prayer diary, or prayers written on the prayer boards in churches. There are official prayers, in the aforementioned books of prayers, or prayers of intercession at public acts of worship that are composed in advance for the occasion. Prayers can be danced, said, sung, said in tongues, chanted.

And of course there are religious structures of daily prayer. Official practice, either mandated or not, is for Muslims to pray 5 times a day, Jews to pray 3 times a day, and for some Christians to pray 8 times a day (though most prescribe 2 as a more reasonable practice!).

Prayer does have a spiritual core, but it is often most effective when it has a practical element. That is why it is a practice, and we are often called to incorporate it as part of our lives, not just let it sit isolated and separate from our lives.

I’m going to end by quoting Richard Sibbes, an Anglican theologian from the Elizabethan era, who has a practical answer to why we should pray. He said “It was a rule in ancient times, “Lay thy hand to the plough, and then pray.” No man should pray without ploughing, nor plough without prayer.” Which is a pretty way of saying life is not worth living without attempting to find its meaning, but wrestling with that meaning is pointless without also living.

Amen.

Points raised in discussion afterwards:

- pray to live, live to pray

- change perspective from if I don't get get what I ask for, God isn't listening

- God can still get in if we are closed

- sense of 'in the moment'

- prayer provides refocus, leads to perspective and can have effect

- prayer, meditation and contemplation can be linked and feed into each other

- not just we speak to God and God speaks to us, the conversation can overlap in the 'Spirit praying within us'

- all-powerful God's power is love and love is not coersive

- the act of prayer can generate the words, rather than the reverse

- should not feel guilty about petition

How I've changed in the last 6 months

So I'm not yet on the official diocese discernment process, I've only talked to my rector and my curate about my calling, but I've been on a discernment process since the start of September 2015. It's been six months, and yes, it's frustrating that it's taking what feels like forever to feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I was reflecting recently, and looking at myself, I think I have actually already got somewhere.

Six months ago, I was ball of excitement and impatience, and I've got a handle on that now. God is doing what God always does in my life. My path is a series of steps, and I am given the opportunity to progress to the next step ONLY when I am ready, and almost never when I actually

want it. God gives me the amount of time I need on each step to grow and develop in whatever way that step is for - it's like completing a level on a computer game and going up to the next, except I don't know the aim of the step, or how long it will be for, or how many levels there are (I suspect, from the trend of the last 23 years, I won't ever run out of levels), or how close I am to completing it. But I just have to keep faith, because I'm on God's schedule, not mine. That has always been the path that has served me well, and so unsurprisingly, the last 6 months haven't been the purposeless waiting game that they felt like many times.

I am more confident talking about my calling. In my first conversation with the rector, I talked in vague terms and she had to coax me to even say the word 'ordination'. I had generally been embarrassed to talk about my sense of calling, worried about people thinking less of me for listening to the 'imaginary friend in the sky telling you your destiny'.

But I know what I feel. I am called to do the right thing, be a good person and show others they should be too, for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime.  That's what the story of Jesus Christ, the good news, tells me. I am called to be part of God's church, to have role in helping humanity have a relationship with God and the universe that balances inner truth and outer truth in active and reactive harmony. This discernment process is to explore the interpretation of that call that leads me to believe that I can fulfill that call best in the priesthood.

A big part of these last months has been reading the stories of others on their discernment of ordination (see my blog roll), and being inspired and educated. It's inspiring even reading of people who are rejected at BAP, because they don't give up, they keep going in their journey to serve God. That's so encouraging when I face the prospect that it might one day happen to me. And the stories that reach a 'yes' answer from the BAP fill me with hope and excitement that God willing that is what will happen to me.

As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've been working on prayer, knowing that it needs to become the cornerstone of my life. That in itself is a slow process, God and I are something like sporadic penfriends rather than bosom buddies right now, but that's an improvement on relatives who talk 3 times a year because they have to, which is sort of what it was like before I got the massive kick from my calling and started putting some effort in. My main barrier is I am terrible at getting into habits, especially as freelance stage management doesn't have the same routine for more than 4 weeks max. But over this period, I have stopped worrying so much about 'being bad at prayer' or not praying enough, and taking the pressure off makes it less scary. So that's an improvement.


As well as reading blogs, a huge part of my activity has been reading books (see my reading list). I love reading, which is helpful, but it hasn't just been a case of leisurely interest. It has kept my focus, explained about the priesthood, military chaplaincy, prayer, vocations, the theology of Jesus, being friend's with Christ, and whetted my appetite to keep learning, deepen my understanding, and not stop, forever and ever amen. Whilst reading, I get a touch of what a God centred life is like, because they're good at being a constant reminder to turn back to God, to remember God.


It's been a similar thing reading the Bible everyday - the same as the other books, it's turning my focus back to God, back to the divine within the ordinary. My eyes have also been opened to the narrative structure of the OT; before I was used to hearing the individual extracts of specific episodes, and now I have a much clearer understanding of who Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses were.

I worked a job in September/October/November and then took December off to do Christmas at church. Things weren't too bad during that contract; I was excited about setting up this blog, and meeting the rector several times, and simply getting used to starting the discernment process, finding out what it involves and working out how I was going to come at it. Then I did a job January/February, and this happened. I stressed out to the point that I did break down a week before the job ended, and my beloved had to put the pieces back together so I could hobble to the end. That's not job stress. Yes, the job was more stressful than previous jobs, but I think it got to me because I was stretched, torn between two paths that I was attempting to follow simultaneously. I have been challenged to follow my path whilst also working as a Deputy Stage Manager, and basically I think I failed. I'm not sure yet if it was my failing, or an indication that the two are incompatible, but I lean towards the latter.

It was horrible, but I love my job. Even that bastard of a contract was enjoyable. Here and now, reflecting on both jobs, I can see a comparison of the happiness for myself that I get at work vs the joy inspired in me by the happiness of others when I help at church. And it is the latter that feels the most right, and also the more fulfilling. I'm now taking March and April off to do Easter, some more conferences, and a spiritual retreat, and these last few weeks of first recovering, and then setting out my to-do list for church things, and life things, and discernment things - I feel back on track.

Another gain over the last six months has been affirmation, be it not very much so far. Several people when asked have said they think I'd make a good priest, and a couple have said so without prompting.

A more recent change has been starting to appreciate evangelism. You'll remember from my selection criteria video (which was a bit long, true, here's a link to the relevant section of the video) that I don't like charismatic worship, and have issues with the mission element of ministry (this section of the video). Reading about RainbowGirl's similar problems has helped me work through some of my own, and I'm a lot more open to learn about the positive evangelical worship and ethos, without being worried it'll be all conservative negativity.

Changes galore. Baby steps along the path, but at least heading in the right direction and making progress.

Video: In silence with Love

Video: Seeing myself in Peter

In reference to the video, this is what I wrote this morning:

"At the moment I'm in the middle of reading the book Jesus and Peter: Growing in friendship with God. I've wanted to get to know more about Peter for a while, and this is the book my rector recommended. I've always liked Peter, but it was this past Palm Sunday that it started niggling at me, because I played the part in our dramatic performance of the Passion story.

(Yes, our church doesn't care about casting historically accurate genders in it's dramas - the point of dramatising the story is to make it more affecting, and seeing your pew neighbour up there denying Christ, betraying Christ, or being Christ makes it very effective, regardless of the gender they are.)

Thinking about Peter as I stood next to the person playing Jesus, it struck me, I think for the first time, how real the people in the gospel stories were."

Will ya just calm down Peter?!

I thought about this when standing with the friend I mention in the video; thought of Peter standing next to his friend Jesus just I was standing next to my friend, and both our friends handing out wisdom and trying to calm us down.

Peter in the gospel is a passionate, hell for leather kind of guy. Good intentions, not so much forethought, rushing in confidently but often crashing around a bit. I can SO relate. Calm, helpful Jesus would probably have had conversations similar to the one my friend had with me, getting Peter to slow down enough to think.

I suspect Peter probably had times when he felt overwhelmed and torn as well, trying to balance talking to Jesus, praying, checking with the others, getting supplies, sorting the money, scheduling the travel plans, keeping all the Jewish needs seen to, eating and drinking right, staying out of the sun when it was hot, keeping up with the news locally and from other cities, maybe even contemplating romance, possibly having medical issues, enjoying getting a tad drunk sometimes, doing a heck of a lot of walking, thinking about his fishing days and missing his dad...Anyway.

Just like I talked about Paul in another vlog, Peter had his period of stumbling, but both men became pillars and leaders in the early church, in Acts. I read the outcome of the their stories and think "Oh I want to get there too! How?!" and the answer is the same as for them: through Jesus. Simple and complex at the same time. At the moment, I have Peter's enthusiasm and Paul's clouded vision. My relationship with Jesus and our journey together mirrors theirs as well - through prayer and community; and their example in the NT's pages gives me courage to keep going.

The book about Peter talks of 'mature discipleship'. That's a great phrase for how I see my calling, the end goal, whether that be in the form of ordination or not. I'm like Paul, without Peter's advantage of being the same spacetime as Jesus the incarnation - my relationship is with the ascended Christ, the Son of the Trinity. So my discipleship is not following him around for three years and sorting his travel arrangements. It's moving towards him in prayer, centering my life on his example, and helping others do the same, bringing humanity closer to the coming of the kingdom of heaven.

He will meet me in prayer, and in community. And very much in the meeting of souls when I talk to my friends. Jesus for me is my friend, the person at my shoulder, often with a warm, comforting, rock solid hand on my shoulder, giving me the strength with the Spirit, wisdom from the Word, and a guiding, if not always obviously, path from the Father.