Video: Curacy and Lockdown

First term as an ordinand

My goodness look, she’s put up a text post, huzzah! I know, I know, I’ve been a bit lazy and just put up videos for a while.

But in the wake of my first term as an ordinand, I don’t think I can reflect coherently on how I am and how things are in a video. It’s been a packed 11 weeks, busier than I anticipated. I’ve needed to be easy on myself, and not get guilty about the things that I’ve felt I haven’t done well.

I didn’t know what to expect going in. I didn’t know how to organise myself with an academic degree – ‘doing some reading’, lecture notes, the library, ‘pre-reading’. Foreign territory, all of it. And since my last post about the retreat, we’ve had several deadlines for essays, which has been the real meat of the term, academically speaking. I was totally unprepared for that, and I’ve learnt a lot of lessons which will hopefully mean next term will be better.

Amongst that I’ve been struggling the sustain myself spiritually and socially, plus not been able to do exercise, and I even had to give up cooking in the last few weeks, and only eat in the dining hall. I ended up in a bit of a heap by the end. But I feel overall positive about the whole thing, which seems odd, but like I said, I’m being easy on myself. My first term of nine may not have been smooth but there were no disasters, nothing actually ‘went wrong’, and I’m still happy to be where I am.

I’m making friends, getting good marks back from the essays, getting on with my housemates, connecting with various clergy in the area. I’ve been on placement with a great chaplain and I’ve even given a sermon! I had visitors from the south a couple of weekends, there was a fantastic Christmas party to finish term and say goodbye to the deputy warden – trying to summarise the whole term is pretty tricky, but there are tons of positives.

But life has been very full. I have felt a little dragged along with it, getting on with things when I didn’t understand them 100%, didn’t have time to get to grips with them as fully as I would have liked, which for me is a stressful place to be in. I’ve not really acknowledged my underlying stress, and I should. I’m not ‘stressed out’ but I just have not felt grounded.

My tutor pointed out that one factor is not really having a lot of contact with my home ground kind of church – I’m spending most of my time at either much lower, at college, or higher, at my placement chapel; and I think she’s right that it’s had an impact. I was at St James’ on Sunday for the morning service and Nine Lessons and Carols, and there was a relief to be with people ‘like me’. Now I realise that this is partly an evolutionary hang up that we really must get over, but that doesn’t stop me feeling that way.

At least I have actually enjoyed building relationships with evangelicals and conservatives at college, even if it’s been an effort. And it’s not been as bad as it could have been, because said evangelicals have been very open; the way I put it is they may think I’m going to hell, but if they do they don’t seem to hold it against me.

Like I said, hopefully I’ll have more of a handle on my academic work next term, which means I can schedule in down time, exercise, socialising, and other stress release things. Plus some of this term’s stress sources should be a lot less stressful because I’m now more familiar with everything new, and I'll start seeing a spiritual director.

So, first term as an ordinand. Overall positive, lessons learned, hopeful in moving forward. God is with me.

PS How AWESOME that the new Bishop of London, my sponsoring bishop, is a woman!!

PPS watch out for my next adventure - I'm flying to Switzerland next week!

Towards Ordained Ministry: Session Six

This post details my experience of Session Six of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one, two, four and five to find out what the TOM course is.

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Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

It was our final session, and although this was a great course, I was looking forward to having my Monday nights back! The odd thing about this last session was it was run by none other than Bishop Pete Broadbent! So having met the man for an all important interview the previous Wednesday, there he is again at the front of the lecture room. A bizarre amount of times to see a bishop in the space of a week, especially in the wake of my rector Lucy also doing a session! I half expected my DDO to walk through the door, to complete the set of priests involved in my discernment.

Pete was talking about mission. He said it was appropriate for a bishop, as "leading the church in mission" is one of the things for which we have bishops.

He started by describing the sort of context that we're working in for mission, which is one of non-traditional sacredness, "believing without belonging"; and also of course "more pluralist" within a diversity of faiths, especially in London. Our inheritance as future priests in the church is a trajectory of secular pluralism. At the local level, the common good can benefit from contributions from all faiths, but how it will go in the UK as a whole, what the future of the pluralism will look like, we can't know.

The rest of the session was based on Capital Vision 2020, which is the London Diocese's mission statement/strategy/idea/movement/premise...thing which is trying to innovate, create and support mission in the diocese but without reinventing the wheel so to speak.

A lot of my notes you can get from just browsing through the material available online about CV2020 itself, so here are few choice thoughts from +Pete as he went through.

• He quipped that church planting was "not just HTB clones!"
• He posed the question "are we a post-Christian society?" 
• 'Growth' is not just numbers but the growth of individuals' discipleship, and community impact
• The parochial system is odd but it still works; different in London of course
• 'Church' = "baptism, Bible, Eucharist, prayer, fellowship" but community might not be called to be 'church'
• London isn't very good at ecumenism
• CofE isn't very good at lay ministries such as evangelism, healing and teaching
• "The DNA of believing that God is going to make thing happen is crucial"
• He posed the question "is 'mega-church' good for us and is it working?"

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

Towards Ordained Ministry: Session Five

This post details my experience of Session Five of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one, two and four to find out what the TOM course is.

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Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

The person who was supposed to take this session phoned the organiser an hour beforehand to say they were ill and wouldn't make it; so Neil himself had to do it. Revd Neil Evans is the Director of Ministry for the London Diocese, and it was encouraging that 20 years of ministry stood him in good stead to cover the entire topic of spirituality in ministry with only an hour's notice!

He started with the classic reassurance that we all struggle and wrestle with prayer, and there is no such thing as a expert in prayer, followed by the hackneyed but true "pray as you can, not as you can't".

A bit of background on him and his experience of prayer started with his training at Mirfield, where he learnt monastic prayer, which is regular, communal and supportive. Once he left the community, he had to find a new way to pray, and he explained three ways he has found useful.







One is apostolic, or 'on the go', which is living in a prayerful way, going out in the world but always being firmly based in an underlying spirituality.



The second is the daily office which is tool that you can hold onto, and he has found it has rooted him; morning prayer is a great place to start the day and go out from; and not being able to choose favourite chunks of scripture is good, being given them means you engage more thoroughly.




And the third is an annual retreat, always finding space for it every year.


He asked us to discuss with our neighbours "What does prayer mean to you?" and the answers that were fed back included
- liturgical vs charismatic prayer has a difference for each of us
- the acronym PACTS is useful - Pause, Adore, Confess, Thank, Supplicate
- there are examples to follow in the Bible
- working in a church really cements the difference of private vs corporate
- pastoral, with people in the moment
- discipline as there is no substitute
- bring everything to God including the mess
- we don't have to pretend and yet we are still loved
- there is space for spiritual gifts as different expressions of awe
- not just speaking to God as Father but also approach as Creator
- counter to common perception, it is not just asking but more being in the presence

There are very different ways to pray but one can't disagree with somebody's else's way - it's not wrong. just not right for me. Church buildings soak up prayer and cathedrals are saturated with it, but the key to any type is 'is God being honoured'? The "gift of the CofE" is that that can be done in many traditions! If God is worshipped, disagreeing with a tradition is meaningless.

So what works for somebody comes from who they are; the sort of person I am invites me to pray in a certain way. All personality preferences are valid (though you can take it too far) as God will not desert us where ever we are. We are entering into the presence of God, putting ourselves in the way of God, by and for finding ourselves in that presence.

There are dangers in praying, pitfalls we can easily fall into, such as telling God what to do, avoiding getting things done ourselves, and also in such environments like prayer groups, falling into gossiping. There's also a lot of complexity around prayers for healing, and Neil only touched briefly on the subject, basically saying that miracles do happen but there are no simple answers and ultimately it boils down to "Thy will be done".

He moved on to 'ministerial development review' and the question of how one went about judging a priest's prayer life, but basically, in an intangible way, people do just 'know' if their priest is praying. More tangible measurements are questions like 'who supports you in your prayer life?' which he posed to us and some answers that came back included:
- spiritual director
- having a day off
- I said my agnostic/atheist boyfriend and a woman across the room empathised that her similar husband had also helped her
- tools eg emails, apps - structure
- other broken people you can't fix
- room mates who are also 'bad at prayer', collectively providing accountability
- church prayer ministry team
- being around someone who is themselves disciplined, by example or 'osmosis' as it were
- social media - both friends and strangers

We finished with as form of praying scripture (Mark 9.2-29) which wasn't really for me but I did get an interesting moment or two out of it.

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

The last one will be:

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Video: Going to see the bishop

For those who are astute, you'll notice that this meeting and video took place on Ash Wednesday and I am posting this quite a way into Lent. Apologies for that; I'll lay no excuses.

But it does mean I can tell you the good news that I have a BAP date! I'm all set to go in June, so these last few weeks have setting off on the epic adventure of the paperwork involved, which I might cover in a later post. I'm also arranging to go see colleges, so it's feeling really  real!

So watching this video several weeks later in the knowledge of the certainty of my BAP, here are the points I want to remind myself of:

• Remember that BAP examiners are real people rather than the 2D constructs in my head
• I should probably practice one-on-ones a bit more
• Make sure I prep reading my paperwork beforehand
• Reacquaint myself with 'what a priest is'
• Work on my answer to 'where are you ecclesiastically'

I'll hopefully be catching up with a few more posts soon.

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session Four

(Yes, I missed the third one!)

This post details my experience of Session Four of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous posts about session one and two to find out what the TOM course is.

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Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

This was a slightly odd session for me because it was taken by Revd. Lucy Winkett, who is my sponsoring priest. She was talking about ministry, what it is, how she goes about it, what is expected of us and what is important. I was reflecting on the bus home that it was like reading an essay breaking down a piece of music and explaining all the component parts, but I recognised it, I knew what it sounded like because I had seen it played out for years.

I was also once again bowled over by my luck that I know her and have been able to learn from her, let alone work closely with her on my discernment journey. People were queuing up to talk to her at the end and I was completely unsurprised. 

She introduced herself and explained that she would "do theology the way I know how to do theology" which is in a relational way, so she had stories and props. a bit about herself include the struggle of training for ministry at a time when women couldn't be priests, making the point that even if things look impossible, "you just have to start". "Discerning my vocation has never stopped" as it's a life long task and we "never stop learning".

The phrase "exercising" ministry was rejected. The important starting point is that our greatest calling, our deepest calling is to be a human being made in the image of God - "to be you as God made you" and "relate to other people as Jesus did". The Holy Spirit "is a dynamic and live Spirit" which sometimes the institution can confine; the balance needs to be struck between necessary competency and freedom of that fundamental calling.

Lucy's didn't quite look like this
 but you get the idea

Her first prop made me smile when she took it out of the bag. It was a scallop shell; specifically The scallop shell on a string that she wore during her cycled pilgrimage down the Camino de Santiago, which is the Way of St James, and a symbol of that saint, so very much an image within the life of St James' Piccadilly, my and Lucy's church. She gave this backstory and made the connection that pilgrimage is to "make a faithful journey with a purpose" is also a description of life.

The shell reminded her  that she doesn't know what is going to happen tomorrow, so she can't lose her sense of adventure. There's a danger that it can lost in the church's repetition, which leads to the disillusion quest for control.


Second out of the bag came a stole, a red one she was given in Jerusalem. She covered its practical symbolism, that of the towel Jesus wrapped around himself to wash the disciples feet, putting it on in the fashion of a deacon - "look a bit like Miss World" -  and then as the 'yoke' of a priest, 'my yoke is easy, and my burden is light' - of the life of a priest, "deep, deep down it's a life you're asked to love". Following your calling can be hard but God works like satnav, so even you divert off-course, the path is just recalculated so you still end up where God wants you to be. Lucy reassured of this gentle "movement of the Spirit."


The third prop was a Bible. This must infuse our lives, but it gets"tribalised" and that must be resisted. Ministers must know, read, love, and be instructed by scripture. "Encounter it every day" and it will make you counter-cultural, making sure the encounter is a conversation, even if it's an interrogation, where you wrestle with it like Jacob and the angel [at this point she grabbed hold of the pages in demonstration, gripping them in her fists, which was quite effective for being so startling]. And the encounter should be with your head, your heart, and your feet, getting out and being with people to meet Jesus.



Next was the topic of Holy Communion, combining the Bible and the stole in the importance of being rooted and grounded in Word and Sacrament; that's what it means to be a priest in the CofE. It's the one true thing that defines and separates a priest, being the only one who presides at the Eucharist. Being called to be a priest is to be called to stand at a crossroads, at the boundary "between time and eternity" as well as going to the edge, to the margins.

Mary Poppins-like, the props bag produced another item, this time a tennis ball, which Lucy proceeded to chuck back and forth amongst the bemused candidates. Don't forget to play was her point. "I realised that 'church fun' isn't actual fun" was met with much hilarity. Do things that you enjoy, and when you're in a position of leadership, bring those ideas to planning church events, get 'actual fun' into church life. One of Lucy's common sayings is "warm white wine and Twiglet just don't do it for me".

In a more serious vein, we are called to emulate what Paul calls kinosis, the emptying of God. But if we are to give ourselves away, play "insures there is a self to empty". Jesus was emptied on the cross but was also resurrected, so we're not called to be completely laid waste. And your misery as a minister could cause havoc. "As a basic, you do have to like people," she said, which means you need to know yourself and how you connect best and find that balance. Extroverts [like me] need to learn to not always be with people all the time. It's not necessarily a goal of 'emotional harmony' in a community; to build an apostolic church is to have a outward-looking community of combined celebration and forgiveness.

Our last prop was an air raid helmet. The obvious is true, that priests need a bit of a thick skin, but beyond that "I think priests should get into trouble...good trouble." Conflict isn't inherently bad; the creative possibility it creates should be moved towards rather than avoided. There's a strand of ministry to be prophetic ie see what others overlook, and developing a "theology of your own mistakes" can help build that creative environment where all "feel equal enough to disagree".

Moving away from the visuals, Lucy reclaimed a maligned Biblical character as a model for priesthood - Martha. She's known for being practical, and being a priest is a practical job - you've got to roll your sleeves up sometimes. And after Lazarus died, she was proactive, confronting Jesus and showing an example we should follow in prayer, in being honest when speaking to God. That speaking up, that "naming what is stinking", that harks back to the prophetic, passion for justice, and getting into trouble for it. And she also "names the truth", contemplative in a way Peter isn't (Peter ends up having a row with Jesus).
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So cleverly, I have made notes from the Q&A but did not write down the questions, some of which I cannot remember. For the first question I wrote down "miraculous God - the reality is so far away, obviously fear but need to trust, then can accept that."

Next I wrote the Yiddish saying "Man plans. God laughs" which I rather like and resonates with my own story.

I do remember that the next question was something like 'which is more important, Scripture or Sacrament?' and I wrote "in the end, scripture and eucharist are inseparable - cannot dispense with either - confidence vs rigidity" that last bit referring to the argument in the church over the relative importances, and you should have confidence in your own spirituality and tradition without being rigid about it."priests - narrators, "keep saying what you believe and try and live it."

Then came a question about boundaries. Priests should be "seen to be open and fair" - boundaries are important but difficult. There is a restlessnesss in relationships with congregation members that you don't have with friends, and that comes from your responsibility as a leader/
Sidenote about friends from before your ordination - keep hold of them! You will end up reworking them but you need them, even if they say things like "don't you put your vicar face on!"

This segued into a conversation about being visibly a priest in public, such as "people love watching what vicars buy" and her anecdote about being mistaken for a strippergram. She brought it round to the serious point that you don't actually have to be this glorified and unrealistic ideal people expect of you being 'holy'. Jesus is a visceral example of not being 'holy' in the expected way. Don't worry about what people think.

The last question was a candidates fear about his lack of musical ability. Lucy connected this with the previous question, opening it up to encourage everyone to have an opportunity to not be good at something, as omnipotent priests discourage volunteers!

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The previous sessions were:

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - [I missed this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

Future sessions will be:

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session Two

This post details my experience of Session Two of the Towards Ordained Ministry course. See my previous post about session one to find out what the TOM course is.

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I googled the speaker before this event, the Rector of St Bride's Fleet St, and I was looking forward to hearing from her as she seemed pretty awesome. Plus getting our teeth into the topic 'The Bible' from a priest's perspective was quite a fun prospect.

I wasn’t disappointed. She tackled what could have been quite a controversial topic very well, imparting wisdom without opinion in a very down to earth manner.

There were lots of anecdotes and five minute pauses for us to turn to our neighbours and discuss something before feeding back to the group.

Intro

She laid her cards down from the beginning, encouraging that diversity is good for our understanding, and we all need to engage with the Bible for ourselves. She also told us a little about herself and her church, including the titbit that the first newspaper was founded by a woman.

Her story

When she got into it, she started by taking us through the place scripture has had in her own journey. It started with Anglo-Catholic Sunday school and RE lessons being simply Bible stories, using the KJV, the version that is “like, what God actually said”, which of course was tough to read, especially without help. She “didn’t know how to read” the Bible.

She eventually went to evangelical bible studies “because they did them better.” Then in her first year of theological college, the academic biblical study was “dislocating” and exploded her assumptions of scripture and informed her use of it in worship. She said she was “so grateful to go through that process”, and though she had to rethink a lot, it “all came back together”, meaning the initial loss turned into a profound understanding of scripture.

“Critical engagement” is key, because the power of scripture is in its “complexity” so ask the hard questions! And don’t skirt round the difficult bits.

“Living Word of God”

At this point she gave three examples of how scripture can be to us the ‘living word’.

One, having a “verse collide with your life” which can do things like make you realise your own emotion, and “unlock a situation”, effecting the external circumstances.

Two, reading something can give new perspective to overcome an internal struggle or a new direction after the resolution of an internal struggle.

Three, for 29 years she had to give between 4 and 7 addresses a week, and only extremely rarely did not speak to the lectionary texts. Of course she came across the same texts over and over, but they “always spoke to me in new ways”, and the texts she had to work, pray and engage with most led to “cracking” sermons.

The Bible is “gloriously subversive”, like the fact that it tells us it’s always the least suitable, the least capable person who is chosen to do God’s work - the ancient Abram, the argumentative and stammering Moses, the persecuting Pharisee Paul. When she went on a tour of Paul’s route through Greece, it “hit me like a ton of bricks” that his experience had, at the time, felt like a failure, and only God could see the big picture that we now see, of the success story.

The subversive-ness is in the call to humanity in all our brokenness and frailty, and that like Paul we should rejoice even if all we see currently is bad – we follow the crucified Christ, so we know that suffering is part of ultimate success. The Bible shows us we  have to think differently about what results look like”.

“Scripture is baffling”

Here she briefly touched on the stuff a lot of us don’t like, such as God obliterating whole nations in the OT, or being told we must hate our families and no one is good, in the NT. Her advice on how to engage was to inhabit the challenging texts in our prayer life, which might shed some light; and she reiterated that academic engagement can inform scripture in liturgy.

Interpretation

Following on from that, she did point out that the Bible does need to be interpreted, because when reading it, we’re “juggling” lots of factors, and it can have a big impact – just look at women’s ministry. But we can’t be blinded by the divisions over scripture that are currently fashionable, because they have changed radically over time.

For example, in the 1590s, weddings rings were a passionate issue of contention because they weren’t in the Bible. She’s a very keen fan of Richard Hooker, often cited as the author of Anglican morality, and alongside Cranmer and BCP, is the closest we have to a founding father – point being when he was writing his defence of Anglicanism, it included a huge amount on the use of wedding rings.

Another debate ran around the use of anaesthesia in childbirth, as ‘the Bible clearly states’ that the pain is our punishment handed own from Eve. You see, the engagement with scripture is not and will not ever be static.

But that begs the question, who do you decide to listen to? Who has the authority to interpret the Bible? It is personal and one must have a direct relationship with it, but there is a risk that we aren’t always well-balanced and it’s not always the Spirit that inspires interpretation! It is crucial to experience scripture in community and share and listen to reflections with others.

What is it

In a rather backwards way, she ended with how to define the Bible. It’s has two parts and an apocrypha, it’s made up of many genres, it’s the story of a promise and its fulfilment, written by many authors over a period of more than 1000 years.

We need a balance of acknowledging the process of a “fluid collection” of scrolls being shaped into the book we now have vs the reality that we acknowledge it as the Word.

It’s also a “very, very dangerous” book, look at poor Tyndale and result of his translation into English.

Looking at the Gospels in particular – we need them all!:

Matthew – set pieces, Messianic, polished

Mark – reader does the work, rough edges

Luke – tabloid, about people, engaging, Holy Spirit, the poor

John – like stained glass– need to see it from inside, mysticism, Christ’s divinity

The actual question

Finally she turned to the vow that was the title given to her for this talk, from the Ordinal – “Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?” Going back to her favourite author Hooker, the Anglican understanding is not Catholic, who believe it is “not enough” for salvation, nor Puritan, who believe that it is the only source of guidance for everything not just salvation.

Its authority for an individual must come in two stages; first, one must simply trust, based on one’s heritage of tradition that acknowledges its authority; and then second, one must pray and study to discover its innate authority for oneself.

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The previous session was 

- Authority - Do you accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority?

Future sessions will be:

- Doctrine - [I will miss this one] Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Towards Ordained Ministry course: Session One

A few nights ago I went to the first session of the London Diocese’s ‘Towards Ordained Ministry’ course. DDOs and college chaplains in the diocese refer candidates and potential candidates to this every year; it is another tool within the resources for discernment, but it lies in that in-between world of not quite being BAP prep but also being more intentional and sure than initial exploration events. Talks are based on the vows in the Ordinal in the context of ‘Pursuing your Vocation in the Diocese of London’.

This is how they put it:

“Here is a great opportunity

-to explore and learn more of your vocation to the ordained ministry

-to get to know others from different traditions than your own

-to hear speakers who themselves have been along this road

-to share in discussion and prayer”

I’ve got to be honest, it’s the first time I’ve felt positive about the Diocese’ vocation resources; it’s such a shame that they don’t manage to support people earlier in the process as well as this course supports people who are further along.

Anyway, the first session was a corker. The theme was Authority, based on the vow to “accept the discipline of this Church and give due respect to those in authority” and we were honoured to be addressed by The Rt Revd and Rt Hon Dr Richard Chartres, outgoing Bishop of London.

All my experiences of Bishop Richard – my confirmation, a drinks reception at his residence, several Easter Vigil services at St Paul’s – have confirmed his reputation as a wise and caring yet competent man, and this session was no exception. It was a privilege to hear him speak, with eloquence, wisdom and humility, and a smattering of humour, as well as get a chance to talk to him in the relaxed mingling beforehand. He asked where I had come from and when I said St Martin’s, his follow-up was “Ah, which part of the empire?” which shows you a little of our reputation within the city.

I knew one other pastoral assistant there, from our Area PA support group, and he and I chatted with three girls sitting next to us, two from slightly higher churches and one from a very much lower church.

He spoke for about an hour, so I’m going to just summarise my notes, but I didn’t write everything down, just the things that struck me, though hopefully I’ll be able to convey a flavour of his talk.

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In his introduction, he talked of balancing a need to ‘listen profoundly to colleagues’ whilst also being aware of the danger that ‘heavy structure’ (like endless committees) can be a huge ‘energy drainer’.

1.

His talk was then structured in three parts. The first was the root of being ‘one holy, catholic, and apostolic church’, and the importance of the Church of England’s identity as part of its authority. We have never denied that there are other parts of the ‘1HCAC’ and often, if not quite adapted to, at least encouraged local expression of faith (subtext being: remember we’re not Catholics, homogenising and exclusivist).

Ecumenism is now framed in a context of looking forward to the ‘great and coming’ church of the Kingdom, but the CofE has the privilege of being able to reach in any direction and touch the whole spectrum of ‘church’.

One of my favourite points he made was that the clergy must not just be collaborative, but instead ‘conjunctive’, not just making joint-efforts but genuinely joining and combining. Because we are fundamentally and intentionally not sectarian, we must look for allies in the mission on the ‘shared passion’ simply for the Lord Jesus Christ.

2.

An ‘assent on worship’. This was an interesting section which touched on the fundamental difference between Christian and Muslim understandings of God. Whilst in Islam they submit to a Supreme Will, Christians reach out to an Almighty Love. The key is the transforming truth of the Trinity, for our communion is not static but dynamic, as God’s true nature is. From ‘Adam where are you?’ through ‘Samuel! Samuel!’ through ‘Mary!’ to the climax of the Incarnation itself, it is into dynamic relationship that we are called. Bishop Richard advocated the BCP as a ‘balanced and simple diet of scripture-based worship’...

3.

…which led nicely into the authority of scripture and the creeds. A wonderful phrase he used about

scripture was the importance of ‘hearing the whole symphony’ rather than extracting ‘bleeding gobbets’ to rely on and 'bash each other over the head' with. ‘Spacious inhabiting of scripture’ is important, within a ‘community of interpretation’. Crucially this includes the writers of the Creeds, that though long-dead, using the Creeds is a way of reading scripture not just with our contemporaries but also our predecessors, who deserve as much respectful deep listening as anyone alive now.

This leads us into being able to, as Common Worship puts it ‘proclaim [the faith] afresh in each generation’. Bishop Richard emphasised the importance of having a presence on modern platforms, and inhabiting the ‘territory of the 92%’ ie. the population of London that does not engage in Christianity. He advocated creativity as crucial to success in this.

After his talk, there was a time for questions. The first was ‘When did you discover your vocation?’ and his immediate response was ‘After I was ordained’. He explained that it was only once he was a deacon working in a parish that he found his vocation in doing the ‘ordinary work and being admitted to the tragedy behind every face’. He also pointed out that it was necessary to have healthy distance between the role and your own person – do not assimilate.

He also returned to ecumenism, which he said works when we look to the whole community and as conjunctive allies, looking in that same direction together. He warned of the trouble in the future (that we will inherit as the next generation of clergy) and condemned schism as ‘obstinately metaphysical’ especially in the context that for the under 30s, church is becoming ‘post-denominational’. He went on to lament the ‘ignorance of Christian grammar’ in the country.

--

Future sessions will be:

- The Bible - Do you accept the holy Scriptures as revealing all things necessary for eternal salvation through faith in Jesus Christ?

- Doctrine - Do you believe the doctrine of the Christian faith as the Church of England has received it, and in your ministry will you expound and teach it?

- Ministry - Will you be a faithful servant in the household of God, after the example of Christ, who came not to be served but to serve?

- Spirituality - Will you be diligent in prayer, in reading holy Scripture, and in all studies that will deepen your faith, and fit you to bear witness to the truth of the Gospel?

- Mission - Will you lead Christ’s people in proclaiming his glorious gospel, so that the good news of salvation may be heard in every place?

Three assessments

No video today. Not just because I didn't remember to get my camera out before and after each one of the three meetings I've had, but also I've needed time to collect my thoughts on these meetings. Before each one I was flustered and nervous, scared even. And after, my mind was mostly white noise, digesting the 90 minutes of my life that were pretty important that had just happened.

Assessment one - the priest
This one was pretty fun. I met him at his work where he's a chaplain, and he was wonderful at putting me at my ease. It felt relaxed, which was a nice atmosphere when there was also a threatening undercurrent of assessment. We drank tea from dainty tea cups that he had been amused to find in the kitchen.

Regarding the things I had discussed with the rector, I did remember most of the time to 'answer the question', though I got more chatty towards to last half hour; and I remembered to make eye contact and smile. I only managed to cover 3 out of the 7 important points I had wanted to mention, but at least I got a few in there.

Here are some of the questions I could remember whilst on the bus on my way home, some based on the form I filled in that he had been sent - with timelines of my life, my faith, my church life, my calling, questions like "why do you feel you've been called to be ordained", "what is your greatest failure/your greatest success", employment history, and hobbies - and some based on things he'd read on this blog, which he had found because I mentioned it on the form; and some of the questions are basically based on the Criteria, and the sort of things that are important to cover when considering an application to ordination.

- would you be proud to represent the CofE
- how do you deal with stress
- when has your trust in God been shaken
- what have you learnt from the pastoral assistant job so far
- why did you choose what you did on your form under 'your greatest failure'
- why does being a good stage manager mean you think you'll be a good priest
- what has made you doubt your application to be ordained
- where do you find your stillness
- how do others perceive you
- do you have a life eg what do you do outside work/church
- what does your boyfriend think of your calling
- why did you start your blog
- what do you mean when you say that doing this job feels like 'homecoming'

I think I did okay. We seemed to 'connect' as the rector put it, and I didn't say anything that made me wince or regret opening my mouth. It was nice that he'd shared a bit about himself as well, and I even found myself asking him a question or two, which made it feel much more conversational than interrogative.

But it's impossible to really know how well I did, because whilst the fact that it was a nice conversation is surely a good thing, you can really get on with someone, and still not think they're called to be a priest, or wouldn't be a good priest, and that's ultimately what he was assessing.

Assessment two - the psychotherapist
This was terrifying. Honestly, she was fine and nice but she did her job very well, which meant she was ruthless at digging into what I was saying. Now, I felt with this one that I had an obligation to be completely genuine, a tad less guarded so that it could be a true assessment. I'm still debating whether being so unfiltered was a good idea, but that's what I did.

It was a bad start as I was late getting there. I didn't have the space that I did with the first one to build up to it and prepare my mind with how I would come across and what I wanted to say. But it was very different conversation than the first, which was to be expected. It was a purely psychological assessment rather than anything to do with God or the church. It was almost clichéd that she started with 'tell me about your childhood' and at various points in later conversation seemed a little obsessed with sexuality, grilling me about my teenage romances which was probably the only point that I made the decision to keep some things private, which I don't think was unreasonable. I gave her answers enough without laying bear all the details.

I did cry once during the conversation. I had been giving a description of a part of my past and when she fed back I was overcome with fear that I had made the stupid mistake that I had been worried I would make ie. concentrating on the details and thereby risking her getting the wrong impression of me. At least I did remember to make eye contact, and I did manage to realise I was waffling and shut up on occasion.

Things we talked about included - incompetent managers, crisis, my family, my first memories, my friends, my boyfriend, coming out, previous partners, being bullied, self-development, anger, and change.

90 minutes was not enough time. There seemed vast swathes of who I am and what I've gone through that we didn't cover, which worries me. Again, I have no idea what the report is going to conclude. At a guess, if there were any issues to be raised these are my suspicions - authority, control, self-worth, pride, empathy. Now I'm not saying that these are issues I definitely have or definitely not have, they're just possible things that might get flagged, and only a rough guess. I'm not a professional psychologist, I don't know if these things were issues or not! We all have issues, it's whether they are big enough to be a problem that will be the stumbling block.

Assessment three - the lay person

For the last one, we met on Sunday evening, so I was a little tired after a day's work and I hadn't had a lot of time of switch gears. But overall I think it went well. She was very nice, made us tea, and she had prepared a set of questions, again based on the form and the criteria. A nice moment was when she said that she read my form and she felt that rather than it being just being a bunch of facts, it was written in such an open way that a "real person" was in there.

Again, I remembered eye contact and to just answer the question (mostly) but I definitely waffled more than I had with the chaplain. We talked about:

- my personal development through training and being a stage manager
- the parallels of stage managers and priests
- singing in worship
- leadership
- children's work
- the Gabriel Collective
- this blog
- dealing with difficult people at church
- my brother, parents, and boyfriend
- the rector's role in my journey
- God working in my life through opportunity and bolt-out-the-blue moments
- St James' Piccadilly
- my first children's Bible
- looking after one's physical and mental well-being

*

Blimey Charlie, they've whizzed by. I'm seeing the DDO again this week; he should have at least one report, if not two or even all three. I feel like I used to after exams - as if I should be nervous, but knowing that there's nothing I can do, so I'm suspended, hanging motionless waiting for the next step, the consequences of my actions.

I hope I've done okay. I hope I listened to the small voice of God in my heart and followed where God willed.

I won't be posting the full reports, but I will summarise them for you. So stay tuned!

Video: DDO 2

I said at the end of this video that I'd put 'everything else' in the blogpost, but there's not much more to tell really. The meeting happened last week, so since then I've filled in the form and the DDO has said that he himself will be my DO for discernment, so we're going to meet again to go over the form and he can get to know my story. He'll request references, and soon he wants to start setting up 3 assessors, a lay person, a priest, and a psychology professional, with whom I will have 3 hour long conversations on which they will write a report each. I've also registered for the London Diocese Towards Ordained Ministry 'course' which is six Monday evening talks/events in Jan/Feb. And I spent an afternoon this week with a lot of other interns and PAs from the diocese, doing a safeguarding overview.
That's all there is for the moment! It's all quite smooth really, I'm just carrying on, doing my job, filling in forms. It's a feeling of forward motion that's like when you're on a train, where you feel simultaneously like you're sitting still.

Video: DDO 1

I went to see the Area Director of Ordinands for Two Cities Area in the Diocese of London. We spent an hour talking, and like I said in the video, it was mostly going over what The Process will look like. There wasn't any expectation that I would actually contribute or say much beyond a little bit about myself, which was quite a relief to be honest.

In the last clip, because it was the end of the day and I was genuinely about to go to bed, I totally forgot to mention the one exciting part of the conversation.

If you've followed this blog for a while, you'll know that I was originally very eager to get going and went through a period of severe frustration before coming to terms with the slow nature of exploration and discernment of vocation. In the last few months I have become content with letting go of planning and just being led without knowing the long term timetable, only expecting that it would be rather a long time.

So imagine my surprise, when I was asked about a time frame, and I replied that I understood that starting the process October 2016 gave too short a time to aim to go for theological training September 2017, that the response was that, in fact, that is exactly what he would recommend! So going forward, that's what my assigned DO and I will be aiming for! See below for the terrifying details.

Scary new information:
- this part of discernment is in two clear cut phases. Phase One is the part I'm in now, first meeting with the DDO, through the conversations with my assigned DO. Eventually, the DO will set up a meeting with the Archdeacon (on behalf of the Bishop, because in London, the Bishop is understandably busy!) who will then recommend or not to the Bishop that I be put forward for selection, and if yes, the Bishop's office will send a letter authorising moving forward. Once I have that letter in my hand, Phase Two starts - getting a BAP date, then putting together the application paperwork, submitting the paperwork, preparing for the BAP, and then of course going on the BAP. Phase Two is a minimum 12 week period

Looking at the BAP dates 2017, the latest one I could go to with the plan to start college Sep 2017, is Jun 26 - 29, so I would have start Phase Two by Apr 3, and submit paperwork by May 15. Holy smokes, that's so soon! Just 6 months away!!

Other new information:
- the DO is well beyond their own doubts about a candidate when they decide to start proceedings to register them on a BAP; they don't make that decision if they are unsure, and they become an advocate on behalf of the candidate, helping them best present themselves to others
- Evangelical churches, certainly in London, have their own circles of support
- after being recommended for training, you don't have to go immediately. The recommendation has a 3 year use-by date.

I'm going to fill in my form, and meet with the DDO again next week. OMG THIS IS HAPPENING. And breathe.

Video: first intern meeting

Video: Step Forward 2016

Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.

Entrance hall

The programme looked like this:

10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart

"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones'  to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:

• Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
• Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
• Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain

(details in my blog posts first, second, third and fourth).

The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:

Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality

Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling

Abilities - Communication, Organisation, Energy

Personality - Confident, Generous, Focus, Love, Cheer, Honesty, Passion

Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ

Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).

Window in the main conference room

"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.

After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:

• hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
• non-negotiable icons of Christ
• burden of non-stop priesthood
• learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
• Both in the world and in God's world
• Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
• Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
• Live from within my heart

Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.

Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.

Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.

Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!

Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.

I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates

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-

On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!

Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.

I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.

Video: Update on not much happening

So I managed in this video to totally forget about the volunteering I'm doing at church and all my advent goings on as well! I've done several shifts on the Traidcraft stall, including having a chat with the manager of St James' Piccadilly Market about how he has made the market more of a cohesive part of the church's activity, rather than something separate that just happens to rent the courtyard; I've been singing in various services; 'peopling', which is sitting in the church to say hi to visitors; and I've been cast as Mary for our Christmas Eve children's service! My brother was Joseph in his nativity play at primary school, but I've finally done it! (age 23).

I've contacted the army chaplain I mentioned in my last post, so arranging that meeting is in the works, which is very exciting. I read her book as well, which was interesting, as memoirs generally are, not that I read a lot of them. Vis. other homework, I haven't got to any other services yet, as I thought I might not, but I do need to remember to at some point in the new year get on with that; and I feel like this past Sunday I did reconnect with service as a punter in the pew. Part of this I think is my progress in connecting with prayer, which is obviously a major part of the service. So that's nice.

And our associate rector has suggested pointing this blog out to the diocese. I feel all sorts of things about this. It is terrifying. First, as much as I am aware that I'm writing on the internet and therefore it will be read by strangers, the possibility of exposure, of being publicised, and marketed, is daunting. I worry that it would add pressure, whereas this blog should be an organic outpouring. Second, the possibility of censure. I need to know I can write pretty much anything on here, and if the diocese is anyway want to back this little project, they may want a say in the content. And of course, the very nature of the project is going to involve my opinion of the process I'm about to embark on, which is done by the diocese. How much freedom will I have to criticise the process? This is meant to be an open, honest log of my experience, good and bad.

I may be over-thinking it, it may be fine. I also feel so excited about the prospect. What an opportunity! I would like this blog to survive in posterity, and be available as a resource for people in my position who don't have anything similar, so to have it broadcast by an official branch of vocation that those people might encounter is surely a good thing. I'm also nervous if it affects my prospects. I'm happy my associate rector thinks it's a good blog worth pointing out to the higher-ups. I feel inadequate as a novice blogger. In some ways I want to take up the challenge, as I would be determined to do well and be worthy of the attention. There's also the potential embarrassment of the publicity not attracting any more attention.