Video: Being an ordinand - settling in

Video: BAP prep for next week!

And just for fun, my Pentecost outfit this year:

Video: DDO 4

Thoughts on the lay person's report:
She very much structured her conversation and her report within the Criteria, which is interesting to see. Her report doesn't give a lot of opinion or judgement but she lays out who she thinks I am by summarising what she heard. So for example under criterion A: vocation, she doesn't say whether she thinks I have one, but puts what I said about it, sometimes couched as 'Georgina recognises this'. Later, she says I am committed to ministry, which is not how I phrased it, that's her interpretation, which is good, I'm glad she got that impression, because it is true, but such a clear statement is in my favour. A really nice and positive sentence is "I found Georgina to be very self aware and perceptive." Whoop! And the end is just great: "I found Georgina open and honest with an enormous amount of enthusiasm...Georgina is willing, articulate and reflective, with an engaging manner." That's encouraging.

My to-do list:
- Revise my enquiry form
- contact the chaplain at a prison
- contact a friend who is a priest in a 'normal' parish about shadowing for a week
- contact the army chaplain I spoke to about visiting her
- start the process of getting a spiritual director
- list examples of leadership that I have done
- go to open days (scary!)

Sidenote: If you in the UK, the Gabriel Collective are having an event in London on December 10th 2016, which should be amazing. We'll be making films about the meaning of Christmas. Sign up on the website.

Video: 3rd chat with curate / 7th chat with rector

Sixth chat with the rector

On 22nd June 2016 I met with the rector again. We talked first of Scotland, as I spent a week staying with friends -

[*Side note about my time in Scotland*

My trip did not involve bagpipes.

The household was one preteen, one teen, mother and father. The latter is a parish priest, so I put my vocation hat on at various points throughout the week. Talking about my vocation to a priest who is a personal friend, more catholic than me, with a very different disposition (read: quiet, composed, academic introvert), a parish priest in Scotland not England (so working for the Scottish Episcopal Church, which is Anglican but not CofE), and not of my hyper-liberal millennial bubble, was a good experience for me. He was very helpful talking about ministry, and let me sit in on a meeting with the pastoral group, and overall it was interesting seeing a priest at close quarters in the home, hearing about and seeing the day-to-day rhythm, and events and tasks involved in the job.]

- but we quickly got down to business. Last time we met, she said she would talk to the curate, talk to my clergy line manager at SMITF, and read some blog posts/watch some vlogs. She also said that she had talked to the ADO (area director of ordinands), the person to whom she will send me when she writes a reference. I was hoping to get that process going this summer, but she put her cards on the table - she doesn't want to, yet.

Disappointed panda is disappointed

So let's address the disappointment here before I continue. Yes, it's disappointing, especially as she doesn't want to refer me for at least another few months probably, bringing my total exploration pre-official discernment process to a year.

Following your calling is often an endurance test against frustration and human gatekeepers, a feature of our chosen paths about which the writer of this blog and I have commiserated each other. It sometimes feels like God is reaching into your life and deliberately putting things in the way of the path you want to take. Apparently, the path you want to take is never the one God wants you to take, even though you're trying to follow God's calling in the first place! I've mentioned God breaking down my expectations before, so really it's my own fault that I built up another plan for the future, another set of expectations to meet, not learning from the past at all. It's just so counter-intuitive to have the level of no control that even includes no expectations, I'm finding it very tricky. Doesn't stop God, God's plans still chug along, it just leads to disappointment for me. So I'm trying not to let the disappointment hang around. I do trust in God ultimately, it's not a crushing defeat, there are no crushing defeats in following God if I listen to what I'm being told to do, so I have confidence that all shall be as it should.

It was really helpful that she expanded her reservations - we engaged in discussion about how I had not given her a sense of my faith. It was in the context of 'resilient faith', an important thing to have but also, crucially, for selectors to see that I have, as it is a serious risk that in the the first few years of ministry, new priests get burnt out without the sustenance of robust faith. So over the time that we've spent talking, she hasn't seen evidence of 'who I am in the light of God' and what my relationship with God is like.

I've got to admit, I was a little astonished. Of the nine criteria, Faith was not on my list of concerns. I suspect that it's such a fundamental part of my life, it's so obvious as a basis for my calling, I've not acknowledged it explicitly in itself, or studied it, instead focusing on the manifestations of my faith, and how to go where it leads me, rather than consider the big picture, the backdrop, the bedrock on which is all stands. "They should demonstrate a personal commitment to Christ and a mature, robust faith which shapes their life and work. Candidates should show an ability to reflect critically on their faith and make connections between faith and contemporary life. They should demonstrate a capacity to communicate their faith engagingly and effectively." I have not demonstrated this, and therefore, quite rightly, my rector does not have confidence to send me to be held up to this measure.

So my homework is to do the daily examen exercise, from which I am to write notes to bring to our next session in two weeks. Apparently she sees hints of what she's looking for in my videos, and when I read out my written notes eg from my spiritual journal, so this exercise is to the wean me into looking for God in my life more consciously, and then get me to talk about it, starting with a medium that I'm better at than the pressured situation of talking one-to-one, 'off the cuff' as it were.

Things are progressing, and though it's not at a pace that is comfortable - apparently seeing her again in two weeks is 'meeting again quickly' - all shall be well. I have faith in that.

Three priests and me

A bit more catch up on the things that have happened over my hiatus, as I explained in this post. If you missed it, the exciting outfit at an evangelical church I mentioned was discussed in this post (with pictures!)

So, what else happened?

One priest

On May 10th I had my fifth meeting with the rector about my vocation. We talked about my retreat, and the St Martin-in-the-Fields job, and referring me to the diocese official discernment process. Last time we met, we delayed to see if I got the job, because SMITF would need to be involved. This time, she wanted to check with them for confirmation that it was all okay, like, officially for SJP to carry on with me whilst working at SMITF; she also wanted to talk with the curate, as he would become my main point of contact with SJP; and the third thing she wanted to do was read this blog (if you're reading this Reverend, hello!) I sent her a list of posts to watch/read, she's talked to SMITF and the curate, and we've got another meeting this week.

Two priest

On May 16th I finally met my new boss, Revd Sam Wells, vicar at SMITF.

Three priest!

On 19th May, I met with St James' curate for the second time. I caught him up on the things I had been up to, and we also talked about the job, and I told him about meeting Sam. He latched onto Sam's question enthusiastically, which isn't a surprise; the discernment process is a case of me turning to the Church and saying 'I want to be a priest' and the Church responding 'And who are you then?' So a bit of focus on my identity will be a very helpful conversation for us to develop. I've put together two documents of questions to answer by myself to bring anything interesting that turns up to my next meeting with him in two weeks. You can find my document of questions from the DDO paperwork here, and a secular identity question sheet here.


I need to catch up on my news a bit faster! I'm going to pause my Going Further series for the moment and hopefully post quite frequently until I catch up with all that's happened/will happen.

Video: First chat with the curate

I covered pretty much everything I wanted to say in this video, which is why it's a bit long.

Video: Update on not much happening

So I managed in this video to totally forget about the volunteering I'm doing at church and all my advent goings on as well! I've done several shifts on the Traidcraft stall, including having a chat with the manager of St James' Piccadilly Market about how he has made the market more of a cohesive part of the church's activity, rather than something separate that just happens to rent the courtyard; I've been singing in various services; 'peopling', which is sitting in the church to say hi to visitors; and I've been cast as Mary for our Christmas Eve children's service! My brother was Joseph in his nativity play at primary school, but I've finally done it! (age 23).

I've contacted the army chaplain I mentioned in my last post, so arranging that meeting is in the works, which is very exciting. I read her book as well, which was interesting, as memoirs generally are, not that I read a lot of them. Vis. other homework, I haven't got to any other services yet, as I thought I might not, but I do need to remember to at some point in the new year get on with that; and I feel like this past Sunday I did reconnect with service as a punter in the pew. Part of this I think is my progress in connecting with prayer, which is obviously a major part of the service. So that's nice.

And our associate rector has suggested pointing this blog out to the diocese. I feel all sorts of things about this. It is terrifying. First, as much as I am aware that I'm writing on the internet and therefore it will be read by strangers, the possibility of exposure, of being publicised, and marketed, is daunting. I worry that it would add pressure, whereas this blog should be an organic outpouring. Second, the possibility of censure. I need to know I can write pretty much anything on here, and if the diocese is anyway want to back this little project, they may want a say in the content. And of course, the very nature of the project is going to involve my opinion of the process I'm about to embark on, which is done by the diocese. How much freedom will I have to criticise the process? This is meant to be an open, honest log of my experience, good and bad.

I may be over-thinking it, it may be fine. I also feel so excited about the prospect. What an opportunity! I would like this blog to survive in posterity, and be available as a resource for people in my position who don't have anything similar, so to have it broadcast by an official branch of vocation that those people might encounter is surely a good thing. I'm also nervous if it affects my prospects. I'm happy my associate rector thinks it's a good blog worth pointing out to the higher-ups. I feel inadequate as a novice blogger. In some ways I want to take up the challenge, as I would be determined to do well and be worthy of the attention. There's also the potential embarrassment of the publicity not attracting any more attention.

Video: Third informal chat with the rector

First, some initial thoughts from the day itself.

I sat on the train home and managed to write down all the other bits of homework that I didn't mention in that video, and I wrote a few more notes to help me remember the meeting. Lucky I did both those things, as it's now over a week later that I've found the time to sit down to do this blog post!

Things feel like they ramp up after each meeting, unsurprisingly. For example, I talked in that video about getting to other church services - I think that's going to be a long term piece of homework, as I'm not sure when I'm going to have time over the next few weeks. It's important, but I'm cataloging it as a task to keep ongoing, rather than worry myself with doing a church crawl and getting to all the denominations within only a month. And that's only one of nine pieces of homework that came out of that meeting! I'm immediately getting a little anxious, as I was in the beginning, about being able to commit to this process whilst still working. This month is alright, but I start my next show in January, and the last thing I want to do is lose the momentum, as Lucy [my rector] likes to call it.

Imagine the man in the suit is a
woman in a dog collar

Anyway, what did we talk about? Well, I told her about this blog. I was a tad nervous, as I wasn't sure if the discernment process had some nondisclosure feature that I hadn't been aware of; but she liked the idea, especially as I explained how useful it is to have to write for an unknown public audience, which means having to think things through a bit slower and more carefully than just telling friends in person. I have to write for other people with a calling, friends and family who know me personally, atheists who don't know the terminology, people new to the blog - I even have to consider that people in the church who will be concerned with the decision to put me forward for training might read what I put here. That means being honest and whole-hearted in this endeavour, as well as clear and articulate, and of course careful of what I say about others!

We also glossed over my reaction to the Selection Criteria (see this post), things like my sexuality (bisexual) might not be the big deal I think it will, and the fact I feel confident that I can "do academic". Something that came up was the joy I feel when I'm at the front, when I'm serving or cantoring, and the value I gain from leading worship. She warned me not to let the value of worship become entirely external, from the use others make of me. A homework assignment was to reconnect with the services from the pews, not as a server, not a cantor, not even as a Lay Singer. The book I'm reading at the moment, The Christian Priest Today by Archbishop Michael Ramsey, makes the point that a priest is still first a lay person, just as vulnerable and seeking as the people they are leading, and even a bishop is still a priest and still a lay person. It's a good point to remember.

Part of the conversation was about the nature of the role of priest. For example, the priest is not a pyschotherapist. There is listening training, because there is an element within the pastoral remit, but a priest should never try and treat somebody - their support is focused on the spiritual needs of the soul. Don't ignore the rest of the person, but know that it is within that realm that you are the expert called to help.

And we explored a bit more what I wrote above, that priests are still people, and Lucy had another warning, that a priest cannot lose their sense of self and still survive. On the flip side, a priest sacrifices having the choice to just talk to the people they want to - I need to remember this as a member of the team that leads our discussion group for people in their 20s and 30s; we're a pretty new group, but now we're starting to get familiar faces turn up each month, and I have to inhabit my role as welcomer and facilitator, rather than just catching up with the people I'm getting to know and like.

A repeating theme of these discussions is that the most important thing: prayer. Lay people expect a priest to pray. I like the way Lucy put it: When you perform the Eucharist, you've got to be inviting people to the table of someone you know. Prayer is the human method of maintaining and deepening our relationship with God, which as a priest should be at the centre of your life. I'm getting there, very slowly. I'm saying some sort of structured prayer once a day, but we talked about the need to explore silent prayer, extempore prayer, just me and God on our own in private. She set me the task of reading books on how to pray, so I've got two lined up in my ever increasing to-read pile.

We briefly talked of my interest in chaplaincy. She did a panel with some other women priests, including an army chaplain, so she's said she'll see if we can get in touch and meet up, which is very exciting. At the same event, she spoke to some military personnel, and they spoke of their chaplain, or Padre as the military chaplains are generally known, who smoked and swore and rode around Camp Bastion on a quad bike! Obviously they also all the serious business of services etc as well. The main thing the personjnel reflected was that the Padre must care; and I thought "I can do that".

Two last things. There is a chance it could be a 'no', which I can't let myself forget; but I think I will do theology degree either way. And as I said in the video, no promises but she is thinking of referring me to the DDO (diocesan director of ordinands, in charge of vocations in the diocese) in January. Exciting!

Summary of the Criteria: My response summed up

I've just spent the afternoon and evening going over my homework, going over the Summary of the Criteria for Selection for Ordained Ministry in the Church of England, including filming some videos.

As it nears late into the night, and I have read through the 9 paragraphs over and over, some of my anxiety has been calmed. Yes, I am worried by some criteria, and this is only the summary, so there will be lots more detail to go through in the full document, but I feel a lot more comfortable about the idea of being scrutinised through this lens. Maybe it is because of the old adage "familiarity breeds disdain", but I suspect not.

I feel confident that there are lot of criteria that I already meet to various degrees, and the ones of which I might fall short have potential, and a potential that can be realistically met in most circumstances. I am ready for that challenge, and eager to accomplish those skills and needs of ordained ministry that I will need to start the life long journey of becoming a better and better priest.

I have really enjoyed looking at "what it means to be a deacon or a priest". I have written a separate blog post here about what I currently think makes a good priest, and what I want out of a priest from a lay person's perspective, before I become too involved in the discernment process to be able to remember. The hope is that as I gain insight into what the Church thinks makes a good priest, I will have that list to hold onto, so as not to lose sight of what the person I am now wanted of the person I will be, when I am her, if that makes any sense.

In order of most confident to least confident, the sections are in this order for me at the moment:
(in brackets in the order in which they appear in the criteria)

1. Vocation (1)
2. Quality of Mind (9)
3. Personality and Character (4)
4. Faith (7)
5. Ministry within the CofE (2)
6. Spirituality (3)
7. Relationships (5)
8. Leadership and Collaboration (6)
9. Mission and Evangelism (8)

I am most confident about Vocation, because I have examined my own sense of vocation thoroughly, and am in an ongoing conversation about it with significant people in my life. I use words like "inevitable" and "inescapable" about my vocation, and it fills me with joy, wonder, and impatience.

Quality of Mind, and Personality and Character are the parts I have most thought about before starting this discernment process, and I am happy to conclude that my opinion is that I am capable, and suited in most areas, with potential for improvement where I might not be as skilled.

Faith is probably the section I feel most articulate about when I talk off the cuff. It's the pillars that sit on the bedrock of trust in God holding up the foundations of my soul on which the building of my heart sits in the infusing cloud of my brain (if I could draw, I would SO sketch that metaphor).

Ministry within the CofE sits in the middle of the list, because I love my Church, and the thought of being on the inside, being part of the machine, the story of that institution, is desirable, but the responsibility and pressure is unnerving.

It's a serious business, being a priest

Spirituality is less important to me, at the moment, than Faith, but I think because my journey so far has concentrated on faith, first personal then community. Building my spirituality is part of this step, the next step, as I shape my life to be more prayerful in anticipation of answering my calling.

Relationships is not a major concern, but not a confident section. I feel halfway through my process of learning to establish, develop, and maintain relationships of all types, and of course Issues in Human Sexuality needs to be looked at.

Leadership and Collaboration, I am only confident in my potential of leadership qualities. They need work, time and effort to craft and improve. Collaboration is further along than leadership.

Mission and Evangelism I almost want to shy away from. I only feel the tiniest push towards this part of ministry, much rather preferring the subtle elements of showing by example, and providing witness only with provocation or inquiry, rather than proactively.

Videos: Selection Criteria

Shorter video going through Section A of the Summary of the Criteria for Selection for Ordained Ministry in the Church of England

Longer video going through Sections B through I