Three assessments

No video today. Not just because I didn't remember to get my camera out before and after each one of the three meetings I've had, but also I've needed time to collect my thoughts on these meetings. Before each one I was flustered and nervous, scared even. And after, my mind was mostly white noise, digesting the 90 minutes of my life that were pretty important that had just happened.

Assessment one - the priest
This one was pretty fun. I met him at his work where he's a chaplain, and he was wonderful at putting me at my ease. It felt relaxed, which was a nice atmosphere when there was also a threatening undercurrent of assessment. We drank tea from dainty tea cups that he had been amused to find in the kitchen.

Regarding the things I had discussed with the rector, I did remember most of the time to 'answer the question', though I got more chatty towards to last half hour; and I remembered to make eye contact and smile. I only managed to cover 3 out of the 7 important points I had wanted to mention, but at least I got a few in there.

Here are some of the questions I could remember whilst on the bus on my way home, some based on the form I filled in that he had been sent - with timelines of my life, my faith, my church life, my calling, questions like "why do you feel you've been called to be ordained", "what is your greatest failure/your greatest success", employment history, and hobbies - and some based on things he'd read on this blog, which he had found because I mentioned it on the form; and some of the questions are basically based on the Criteria, and the sort of things that are important to cover when considering an application to ordination.

- would you be proud to represent the CofE
- how do you deal with stress
- when has your trust in God been shaken
- what have you learnt from the pastoral assistant job so far
- why did you choose what you did on your form under 'your greatest failure'
- why does being a good stage manager mean you think you'll be a good priest
- what has made you doubt your application to be ordained
- where do you find your stillness
- how do others perceive you
- do you have a life eg what do you do outside work/church
- what does your boyfriend think of your calling
- why did you start your blog
- what do you mean when you say that doing this job feels like 'homecoming'

I think I did okay. We seemed to 'connect' as the rector put it, and I didn't say anything that made me wince or regret opening my mouth. It was nice that he'd shared a bit about himself as well, and I even found myself asking him a question or two, which made it feel much more conversational than interrogative.

But it's impossible to really know how well I did, because whilst the fact that it was a nice conversation is surely a good thing, you can really get on with someone, and still not think they're called to be a priest, or wouldn't be a good priest, and that's ultimately what he was assessing.

Assessment two - the psychotherapist
This was terrifying. Honestly, she was fine and nice but she did her job very well, which meant she was ruthless at digging into what I was saying. Now, I felt with this one that I had an obligation to be completely genuine, a tad less guarded so that it could be a true assessment. I'm still debating whether being so unfiltered was a good idea, but that's what I did.

It was a bad start as I was late getting there. I didn't have the space that I did with the first one to build up to it and prepare my mind with how I would come across and what I wanted to say. But it was very different conversation than the first, which was to be expected. It was a purely psychological assessment rather than anything to do with God or the church. It was almost clichéd that she started with 'tell me about your childhood' and at various points in later conversation seemed a little obsessed with sexuality, grilling me about my teenage romances which was probably the only point that I made the decision to keep some things private, which I don't think was unreasonable. I gave her answers enough without laying bear all the details.

I did cry once during the conversation. I had been giving a description of a part of my past and when she fed back I was overcome with fear that I had made the stupid mistake that I had been worried I would make ie. concentrating on the details and thereby risking her getting the wrong impression of me. At least I did remember to make eye contact, and I did manage to realise I was waffling and shut up on occasion.

Things we talked about included - incompetent managers, crisis, my family, my first memories, my friends, my boyfriend, coming out, previous partners, being bullied, self-development, anger, and change.

90 minutes was not enough time. There seemed vast swathes of who I am and what I've gone through that we didn't cover, which worries me. Again, I have no idea what the report is going to conclude. At a guess, if there were any issues to be raised these are my suspicions - authority, control, self-worth, pride, empathy. Now I'm not saying that these are issues I definitely have or definitely not have, they're just possible things that might get flagged, and only a rough guess. I'm not a professional psychologist, I don't know if these things were issues or not! We all have issues, it's whether they are big enough to be a problem that will be the stumbling block.

Assessment three - the lay person

For the last one, we met on Sunday evening, so I was a little tired after a day's work and I hadn't had a lot of time of switch gears. But overall I think it went well. She was very nice, made us tea, and she had prepared a set of questions, again based on the form and the criteria. A nice moment was when she said that she read my form and she felt that rather than it being just being a bunch of facts, it was written in such an open way that a "real person" was in there.

Again, I remembered eye contact and to just answer the question (mostly) but I definitely waffled more than I had with the chaplain. We talked about:

- my personal development through training and being a stage manager
- the parallels of stage managers and priests
- singing in worship
- leadership
- children's work
- the Gabriel Collective
- this blog
- dealing with difficult people at church
- my brother, parents, and boyfriend
- the rector's role in my journey
- God working in my life through opportunity and bolt-out-the-blue moments
- St James' Piccadilly
- my first children's Bible
- looking after one's physical and mental well-being

*

Blimey Charlie, they've whizzed by. I'm seeing the DDO again this week; he should have at least one report, if not two or even all three. I feel like I used to after exams - as if I should be nervous, but knowing that there's nothing I can do, so I'm suspended, hanging motionless waiting for the next step, the consequences of my actions.

I hope I've done okay. I hope I listened to the small voice of God in my heart and followed where God willed.

I won't be posting the full reports, but I will summarise them for you. So stay tuned!

Three priests and me

A bit more catch up on the things that have happened over my hiatus, as I explained in this post. If you missed it, the exciting outfit at an evangelical church I mentioned was discussed in this post (with pictures!)

So, what else happened?

One priest

On May 10th I had my fifth meeting with the rector about my vocation. We talked about my retreat, and the St Martin-in-the-Fields job, and referring me to the diocese official discernment process. Last time we met, we delayed to see if I got the job, because SMITF would need to be involved. This time, she wanted to check with them for confirmation that it was all okay, like, officially for SJP to carry on with me whilst working at SMITF; she also wanted to talk with the curate, as he would become my main point of contact with SJP; and the third thing she wanted to do was read this blog (if you're reading this Reverend, hello!) I sent her a list of posts to watch/read, she's talked to SMITF and the curate, and we've got another meeting this week.

Two priest

On May 16th I finally met my new boss, Revd Sam Wells, vicar at SMITF.

Three priest!

On 19th May, I met with St James' curate for the second time. I caught him up on the things I had been up to, and we also talked about the job, and I told him about meeting Sam. He latched onto Sam's question enthusiastically, which isn't a surprise; the discernment process is a case of me turning to the Church and saying 'I want to be a priest' and the Church responding 'And who are you then?' So a bit of focus on my identity will be a very helpful conversation for us to develop. I've put together two documents of questions to answer by myself to bring anything interesting that turns up to my next meeting with him in two weeks. You can find my document of questions from the DDO paperwork here, and a secular identity question sheet here.


I need to catch up on my news a bit faster! I'm going to pause my Going Further series for the moment and hopefully post quite frequently until I catch up with all that's happened/will happen.

My new job as Pastoral Assistant

(So yes, as I announced in my last post, I got the job that I mentioned in this post - in the video I talk about it 1:45 til 4:40 - I'm going to assume you've watched that and read the post.)

In September, I am going to start as pastoral assistant at St Martin-in-the-Fields, a CofE church on Trafalgar Square, of high worship style, liberal theology, and a great culture of enterprise to get out and help people. It's known for it's charity The Connection at St Martin's, as well as it's Vicar's Relief Fund and almost a century of Christmas Appeals with BBC Radio 4. They also have popular cafes in the Crypt and the Courtyard, and occasionally celebrity/royal events.

The church also has a fantastic music programme, with concerts for free at lunchtime, or by candlelight in the evening, masterclasses, jazz nights, and six in-house choirs. Every time I've been to any service, the first thing I tell people when they ask about it is "well, the music was incredible!" I don't know if I'll be able to join any of the choirs, but I really want to if I can!

I have specific duties in my role in children's ministry, liturgy, and pastoral care; and in general my role will be assisting the clergy, working with all the staff, and experiencing the breadth of the church's work. The job very much has a mutually beneficial dynamic - the PA is a team member who is part of the running of the church's work, but is also there to experience ministry with an eye to going further into it.

As I mentioned in the video, there was some discussion on whether I would be sponsored in discernment through SJP not SMITF, as they have more often sponsored their PAs themselves. As far as I'm aware, it's all okay for me to carry on with St James', so that's good.

I was so nervous before the interview. As I said in the video, I had a gut reaction to this job, and I wanted it BADLY. I've never been so nervous. If I had fucked up and not got it, I really didn't know what I would do - it seemed inconceivable that I would continue being a stage manager. It just made perfect sense that this opportunity came at exactly this moment, but unlike other perfect opportunities in my journey of faith and vocation, this was not just something I had to take. Other people decided whether I could take it.

This has been my first experience of human gate keepers in following my calling from God, and it wasn't pleasant. I had to remain realistic throughout, and whilst I kept a hope and faith alive that what I felt was right would be my path, it ultimately lay in the hands of others, and there was a chance they would say no. That is the same scenario I will encounter at every stage of the official discernment process and this preview has shown me, by gum, it's going to be hard.

But anyway, I did get it. After four days without news, I was so stressed I just upped and walked out the house and stomped out to the fields, and sat on a bench by the river, sighing, crying, and staring into the distance, like I was in an Austen novel, minus lacy hanky. I eventually rang them, but got the answer machine. Despondent, I started back home, and as I walked up church lane, they rang me back. When the good news was imparted, I stopped in my tracks and literally bent over, leaning on my knees, in utter relief. When we finished speaking, I hung up, and thew my hands in the air with an almighty "YEEEESS!" bellowed into the sleepy quiet of the village. When I got back, I told my parents and burst into tears.

I am over the moon. It's going to be an amazing job that I will enjoy, get a lot out of, and also be pretty good at. Only yesterday a friend was congratulating me on managing get paid to spend the majority of my time doing something I love ie being at church! But more seriously, the job is going to put a lot of stuff that I've only thought about in theory to the test ie. ministerial qualities and skills that I need to be a priest - do I have them? We shall see. It's going to be doing ministry, watching clergy at close quarters to see how they do it, be backstage and involved in the liturgy in a depth I just didn't have access to as a lay volunteer, and getting to grips with what it takes to run a church.

To sum up, here's an extract from my application statement:

"I have been involved with various vocations events, like day conferences, and weekends away, as well as attending a variety of services within the Anglican tradition, and going on retreat on Holy Island; but discussing and sharing conversations about my faith, my calling, and myself can only go so far in the exploration of vocation. Actually doing it is the best way to work out how one operates and what one’s gifts are; the difference I saw between talking about being a stage manager and being one at college was tremendous, only overtaken by the difference between training on the job, and doing the job as a professional!

Also being part of a prayerful worship community full-time is a unique context in which to encounter, respond to, and connect with God. I suspect there will be developments in my relationship with God that would only be possible in the opportunity of being a pastoral assistant. The role of service is an integral part of finding freedom in God."