Above is a vlog of my day at an event called Gabriel Two. I was there working with the Gabriel Collective who were the team that put on the event. Check out more videos and info at gabrielcollective.org.
I got involved in Gabriel Collective because I vlog on this blog, and I caught wind of them on the Church of England podcast I think, or on Twitter maybe, because they encourage and support young people sharing their faith via online video. Now obviously I'm actually just sharing my personal vocation story here, but that is still a vehicle for evangelism I suppose, and at 24, I count as a young person.
It's been good for me, being part of GC, because Criteria H: Mission and Evangelism is one of the bumps I hit when going through the Criteria for Selection to the Ordained Ministry in the Church of England. You can watch the relevant section of one of my oldest vlogs here (link starts at Criteria H at 27:46 - don't judge me, I hadn't started actually editing the videos I put up at that point!) to see where I was on the subject a year ago. I should do another video (shorter and actually edited this time) going through the Criteria again, thinking about it. It's going on the to-do list!
Anyway, I had a great time at Gabriel Two, and I'll plug the Collective's message for a moment - anyone can do this! Get out your phone and put a faith-related video on Youtube - if muggins here can do it, it shows jut how easy it is. Have a go!
And for those following the story of this blog, things are still going well at St Martin's and I'm seeing the rector of St James' on Saturday, so you can expect the next installment some time after that.
In the video, I said the curate asked me to write about the nature of God being the Trinity being mirrored in the human experience of relationship. Below is my attempt to expand this.
--
So in a nutshell, I said that I find it reassuring that the Trinity resolves the tension of unity and individuality in God's very being; that what seems like a paradox of relationship vs self is actually a fundamental part of God and therefore a fundamental part of us as made in God's image - it's not something for us to overcome but to embrace about ourselves and our lives. God is the epitome of cohesive relationship without the loss of separate distinctions, and therefore God is the example we can follow to try to resolve the tension in our lives.
I am reassured that I follow a God whose being is one of simultaneous one-ness and three-ness, because however hard it looks when I'm struggling to find compatibility between being myself - having a unique combination of characteristics, temperament, needs, and desires - and being part of so many relationships - and groups, and the responsibilities towards convergence and consensus that those entail - it is possible find harmony in being both simultaneously.
See if you recognise these scenarios from your own life:
Sometimes I feel totally isolated; I prioritise only my own needs, and do things on only my terms. And that leads to problems. Friends and groups in my life feel abandoned or ignored; I as an extrovert get grumpy, and sometimes a bit melancholic. Days start to feel monotonous, and as if I've unplugged from life, and I wonder where my life is going. I feel like I've forgotten something but all my obvious needs are seen to, and doing anything beyond basic requirements seems like a chore.
Sometimes I lose all sense of self; I priotise only the needs of others, and make decisions without factoring in the consequences of my actions on myself. And that leads to problems. I over-extend myself, running out of mental, physical, and emotional resources. I become exhausted but have promised to do something else so keep going, sometimes feeling like crying just because I feel so terrible. I want to resent people and situations draining my resources, and find it difficult to enjoy all the activities I'm doing because they have now become chores.
These are extremes, but I know I've been in both scenarios multiple times, and I think it comes down to this difficult balancing act. My identity as an individual can sometimes feel at odds with my identity as part of relationships. My sense of difference and distance from 'others' doesn't gel with my sense of belonging and being part of 'us'.
This comes up in the context of talking with the curate because I am foreseeing the tension in my future. I look ahead, look at the impending discernment process, and I get double vision, because there are two paths going at the same time (which I've said before) - one journey with God, and one journey with the Church. Now the former feels more 'real', it's the personal journey where I know I can be entirely genuine and trust completely in it. And that clashes with the latter, which I'm scared will feel contrived, because it involves other fallible people and I don't trust myself or them enough to feel confident we'll get it right.
Desmond Tutu quotes the concept of ubuntu, which officially means "the belief in a universal bond of sharing that connects all humanity" and Tutu explains as: "My humanity is caught up, inextricably bound up, in yours. We belong in a bundle of life. We say a person is a person through other persons." which is a bit like what the curate got out of my analogy with the Trinity. I was looking at that the discernment process has this fundamental dual nature of 'ultimately' being an attempt at following God's calling, but also 'ultimately' being a series of relationships with a very human element. He went further and looked at it as an opportunity for us to experience, see and recognise our faith and ourselves through others.
I think that's what he was saying. We were a tad at cross purposes I fear. But it is true that we aren't often naturally inclined to approach faith through others. It always feels like 'faith' is this internal thing totally separate from outside, just between you and God. And yeah, there is a personal connection, but just like the Trinity, there is a communal connection at the same time as the separate one and they intertwine and inform each other! So my discernment journey with God is simultaneously distinct and intimately connected with my discernment journey with the Church, a constant dance of unity and separation, just like the Trinity. We are both connected in unity and also defined as individuals by our humanity. My relationships with the people on the discernment process will inform my relationship with God as well as vice versa. And its helps to know that God is also in a similar dance of relationship as well, so I have a chance of striking a balance. Just as God could not be God without being Trinity, I cannot live my personal truth in the light of God without the feedback loop of faith and identity from relationships with others.
See this post for an intro to this series. What is the heart of [the candidate's] faith: the good news
they would wish to share with others? This is a very well-timed post to write considering my recent conversation with the rector about her reservations concerning my faith - what my relationship with God looks like, and how I express it to others. --
So turning to the question, my immediate response is the heart of my faith is a trust in God, and the the good news I wish to share with others is that they can trust God too. God is for everyone. That doesn't mean everyone should be Christian, be religious, or even put Jesus at the centre of their lives. Jesus is the good news but the Messiah, the Son of God, the Word Made Flesh is so much more than the bloke from Nazareth.
Jesus embodies the right ordering of creation, that God and humankind are in harmonious relationship. That is the good news, that is what Jesus being born into the world and fulfilling the Law shows us. God is for everyone because everyone should have a relationship with God. I like John's gospel best, even though it is dense as a jungle and a bit mind-bendy, because of the emphasis on the Spirit and that beautiful prologue about the Word. To have a relationship with God through Jesus is to know the Word by the power of the Spirit, and I don't think that necessarily means knowing the bloke from Nazareth.
I think our mission is to spread the Word, and the Word is however God best has a relationship with each person. Our Word, our story is a unique back and forth between each of us and God. Sure, I think the Christian church and being a follower of Jesus of Nazareth is probably the best road for the majority of people. But the 'majority' of all humankind that has lived, is living, and will live, still leaves a whopping number of people who are the minority (the minority of a massive number is still a big number).
I like the 'many paths on the mountain' pluralism metaphor. If God is the destination, the top of the mountain, there are many ways up the mountain. There are lots of places to start from, there are paths that intersect, and cross, and converge at points. And the top is big, so when people are looking to it, and reach it, it looks different to each individual. Exclusivists, those that say their path is the only one, imagine the mountain has a fence, and a gate to only one, fenced path. Pluralists think it's a free for all. Inclusivists like me think Christ has cleared one path, without any barriers, but some people want or need to go another way and it's just as legitimate, just maybe not as easy.
Terrible drawing of exclusivism
Terrible drawing of inclusivism
Terrible drawing of pluralism
I feel like the perception that is most pervasive among both religious and non-religious folks is that all religion is inherently exclusivist, and that doesn't sit right with most people in modern western first world culture, AND a lot of people in cultures of eastern religion (eastern theological thought is often a lot more pluralistic). I want to share the good news that it isn't like that! God is vastly more complex and loving than to have a boxed in, one-size-fits-all relationship with humankind, when humankind is beautifully and wonderfully made intrinsically varied and diverse. God has created each us as a unique soul so why would God need uniformity in our relationships with God?
The heart of my faith is a trust in God. Some people have trust issues; their relationship to God looks very different to mine. I rejoice with anyone who has a relationship to God and want to invite others to see the glory of serving the Creator who is at the heart of the world. But I don't want to tell them they have to trust God, or follow Christ, or anything other than what Jesus summed up as the only universal truth that everyone can take to heart is 'love God, love neighbour'. Everything else is up for debate, including what that looks like in different people's lives.
I feel the only evil we have to overcome is human evil, and the how and why are right there in the Great Commandment. I don't like overuse of 'evil' as a concept, which links to the terrible messages most people are getting about religion. I am religious because I want to see a better world, and following God in my way gives me the tools and strength to do my part in bringing about that better world. It's not a dogmatic as 'do what God says and you will receive the kingdom of heaven'. More like 'form a relationship with God and seek the ways of love that bring about the kingdom of heaven on earth'. The Word, and Love, are huge, world-encompassing aspects of the vastly greater reality of God, and for me, they are the aspects on which my trust hangs as the heart of my faith, and the aspects I feel called to express and bring people to, in their own way, by the grace of God partly working through me.
On Saturday 23rd April, I went to Coventry Cathedral for a young women's vocation's conference. There were 87 young women attending and about 20 ordained and lay women organisers, with a handful of husbands helping! It was the first all-women event I've been to, and I was having flashbacks to my school days at a girls school.
I videoed a quick summary of my thoughts as I waited in the train station, and below is a run down of what we did, and the notes I took during the sessions.
I had train issues but still managed to get there in time (go contingency time!) and we were welcomed before sharing in morning prayer. Celtic morning prayer, which was cool (I recently book the Celtic Daily Prayer book, which I'm looking forward to using). The first key note was Bishop Anne talking about vocation as a woman.
Notes from the welcome:
- under 40 and especially under 30 women under-represented as priests
- feeling of sisterhood! Surrounded by others, all have a story
Notes from the first key note
- God's voice is richer for being the living Word as opposed to human words
- what does God trust me with? Trust me to do?
- courage - embrace pain and joy, the risk of trusting the next step
- phrase 'anunciation moment' [useful to describe my moment in September]
- have sense of the potential of who I can be in God
- children and ministy = careful planning
- lifetime of discerning God's call that weaves in and out of the tapestry of our lives [this was an overriding theme and a really good analogy, such as only being able to see the mess at the back rather than the picture God is weaving on the front]
- women reject job descriptions if they don't think they can do 10% of it
- trust God through fear, like fear that you're on the wrong path - you can't fall beyond the reach of God's will and God's love
After a tea break, the second key note was basically a session on how to defend when someone brings up arguments against the ordination of women. I gotta be honest, I started getting uncomfortable at this stage, and realised that being at a targeted event about vocation may be great for young women who might not otherwise look at themselves as potential priests because of their gender, but I did not have that problem. It also rankled that a) I was basically being defined primarily by my gender which is an attitude I don't tolerate in my life and b) it played into the system of the gender binary, which is itself a factor in the patriarchal systems of female oppression, as well as just out of date thinking that I reject.
But speaker Lis did use the phrase 'the Gender Agenda' and sadly, people do have an agenda based on repressing the female gender. I made notes, and it was, I suppose, useful to hear positive interpretations of scripture, but I'm making the decision not to put them here, as a statement of my belief that we need to get past this position of defense; it was needed 20 years ago, but my generation is putting gender aside. It is not relevant to judging my aptitude at ministry, and as much as I love my gender and am proud to be a woman, I will not even give the space for the possibility of argument any more. It is finished.
I enjoyed talking to the young woman who I ended up sitting next to for the morning, but at lunch talked to others who migrated to the appropriate seating area designated by geography (ie south, south east etc). But sadly, because there were so many of us, and we weren't really pushed to stay in one area and talk to the same people, I spent most of the day feeling a tad isolated, and didn't bond with anyone the way I had at all the other, smaller, events I've been to.
Like in Kettering and York, we took seats at tables, and stayed there for most of the sessions, and lunch, which meant we had motivation to get to know our neighbours. Without the anchoring of a consistent place, I was really lucky to talk to anyone, and even luckier that I bumped into the woman I sat next to in the morning, at the train station, which was great.
After lunch, we split into smaller groups to attend short seminars that we had picked in advance. My first was 'Young and Ordained' and two women, a new curate, and a vicar, introduced themselves, told their stories, and asked us to talk to the person next to us about a person in the Bible that we related to.
My notes from this first half:
- hard to leave settled life - calling is not static, God 'sends'
- ordination is not peak of calling
- I related to Peter; the start and end of his calling by Jesus 'Follow me' and 'Do you love me?' - that's what Jesus is saying to me too
- but what can I, and only I, do in answer?
Then they talked about the challenges and joys of ordination.
Challenges
- 'Wisdom beyond your years' - expectation that clergy know what to say. Not necessarily 'the right quote', 'the right psalm' - no formula. God gives us words, just be yourself.
- 'Making and maintaining friendships' - friends spread out as you move around, especially young people move more. Be intentional - use holiday, make effort to go and to host. Who is important to make time to see?
- 'People taking you seriously' - not as bad as you might expect. Blagging it so people feel calm and reassured. People expect to see a representative of God. God equips.
- 'What people expect of the Vicar' - afraid to tell vicar that they [the vicar] are wrong as the priest should know. Can be asked about ethical and moral decisions.
- 'Being true to yourself' - look like self in dog collar. At first very aware of the collar. Feel judged. Alright to have friends in the parish. Rise to the challenge and adapt. Blurred lines especially for ordained with big personalities [!!] in different situations. Still forming in 20s/30s, getting to know yourself now in a public space.
Joys
- meet lots of different people
- feel right place, time and doing. Not what people expect lead to opening conversations.
Straight into the next seminar, it was really great to have sessions on other callings that parochial ministry, but uniquely in my experience led by actual practitioners of those other callings. I listened to three chaplains talk about school, prison and university chaplaincy.
Notes:
- spontaneous, holy spirit-led ministry
- broad, in every sector
- "religious/spiritual care in an organisation"
- finding God at work
- can volunteer to get experience, go through vicar or DDO
- multi-faith model, for the world
- creative, opportunities
- round peg, square hole in parochial ministry
- God also calls to stop
- drop in income doesn't matter if happy in position
- not imagine self in parish
- [thought to self, could there be an LGBT chaplain, rather than a place chaplain?]
- chaplains are on the edge
- prison - intense and emotionally demanding
- large capacity to love, love those otehrs would find difficult, and can't loveselves
- gift of love to loveless place, and bring hope that anyone's broken life can have meaning
- structured expectations - visit new prisoners within 24hrs, visit segregated, visit hospital
- paid by prison service, but critical friend eg on policy
- uni - students have less baggage
- Christian community
- wider community - all faiths and none, generous
- element of mission but not priority
- religious literacy - prepare students for a world that is 85% people of faith
- 'friar' in community [I like this image]
- "be you, there"
- school - welcome and hospitality, mental health
- resources for worship
- put on services for organisation
- "be a good guest"
- not of the organisation whilst in it
- talk to anyone, full access
- earn trust and show integrity
- lovely, a privilege
- transience, let people go
- listening
Bumped into a familiar face from CPAS!
More tea and coffee, then a final session for a panel Q&A.
Notes:
- have to be recommended by vicar
- know where you could engage the debates, and where you can't - trust each other to be under scripture and under God, and walk together in prayer
- mental health difficult in church context
- at first, revisit feelings of incompetency
- it will cost for family
- look at all college options - not straightforward - what experience do you want, needs in academic theology, time, community, tradition, somewhere you can come alive
- official discernment process comes under Equality Act
- call is complicated - follow and obey but also life does happen and can change course - God works through strange ways
- husbands not so hot on clergy spouse support as wives - careful of boundaries with your spouse - are they called to be part of ministry
- take ordination vows seriously eg obedience - can be part of the Church's own discernment - Issue of Human Sexuality "content to live within these guidelines" - have to accept to be put forward for ordination
- BAP - vulnerability of being 100% convinced whilst also knowing that you're coming into the possibility of being told you're wrong
After one more cup of tea, we have a lovely Eucharist, and as I said, I had a lovely chat with one of the other attendees at the train station, just after I filmed the video.
Below I have outlined in more detail the events in the video, and have included the notes I made at various sessions.
FRIDAY
After arriving at the accommodation and checking in, we gathered in the chapel for tea, biscuits and cake (which was soon to become a theme of the weekend!) to mingle and awkwardly try and get to know each other. We were a mixed group - late teens, 20s, 40s and 50s, 6 men and 4 women, from all over the UK and a couple of other countries as well, on a variety of places on our journeys of faith and vocation.
Our three guides for the next couple of days were a curate at a local church from the Society, an ordinand and parish assistant from another local church, and a member of the Community of the Resurrection, a religious community nearby. They gathered us, and the curate promptly introduced everyone to the "not an icebreaker" exercise of giving one's name, and the story of one's shoe. Vespers were said before dinner, after which we re-congregated in the chapel.
We spent the evening together, first with the curate telling us her story of vocation, and then breaking into groups to discuss our own. My notes from that session were:
- I was introduced to the term 'altar in the loft' syndrome, which refers to children playing at being priests in the same manner as 'playing house', or 'playing doctors and nurses'
- joy/confidence - sharing gospel
- Time is always an element of our journeys, but crucially it is God's time
- BAPs can be horrible - that can be a sign that it's the wrong time
- I was particularly partial to the imagery that discernment includes mountains to climb and ditches to fall in
Compline followed, and many of us walked to the local 'Spoons, having found the intended pub closed, much to the dismay of the curate.
SATURDAY
After breakfast, we set off in a few cars to the first church of the day, for Eucharist, a cup of tea, and a chat with the parish priest, a lovely woman who had had her calling to priesthood slightly later in life. She told us of the struggles in the area, holding the parish together when two merged, the new building and its cafe, all sorts.
I have notes in this slot, but I'm not sure if they were from this session. Here they are anyway:
- if your path turns from vocation into career building, it'll feel wrong
- we are often called to abandon our nets like the disciples, our nets often being our security
Piling back into the cars (the day's drivers were heroic) we were soon at our next stop, where we met Rachel Mann. Look her up. She's awesome. She spoke so eloquently and passionately, even those in the group who might have taken issue with her transwoman identity spoke of their admiration for her obvious faith. I didn't get my notebook out anywhere near early enough but I did write:
- priests aren't superheroes - ours is a vulnerable God who carries the wounds of the cross forever
- people want to love their priest, and be loved by their priest
Speeding on, we visited what was obviously the prettiest church, as it was the parish of our curate guide. Tea, soup and sandwiches was followed by a chat with our monastic guide, who talked of his calling to religious life.
We were greeted at the next church with, you guessed it, tea and cake. We spend some time in groups reflecting on our day, and what I got strongly was a new appreciation for the importance in most parishes (but not mine, so it was a novelty) of the actual geographical parish
We moved to the side chapel for what was for me the most useful session, with the Bishop. Bishops are the decision makers in the CofE, so getting his perspective, especially on their decisions regarding candidates for ordination, was a real insight. He also spoke wonderfully of calling, and faith.
- making a difference
- thirst for sacred and longing for encounter with God
- our buildings provide space for the 'other', as well as resource and equip a community
- the criteria should be part of my prayer on my vocation
- looking for evidence of real, authentic, lived out friendship with Christ, and a want for others to find the friendship
- not a social club - first duty and joy as a church is worship
- discipline of prayer (an unsurprising theme of everything I have heard or read on vocation)
- how are things between me and God? not how should it be or what state am I working towards, Right Now, even if I'm on a difficult path, is there a sense of peace about that path? if there is, I am where God wants me to be
- how am I the living gospel?
- service - servant community, love in action
"Go into all the world, and preach the gospel, and use words if you have to " - St Francis [yay for subtle evangelism! Must remember this quote]
- being ordained in a privilege
- looks for sense of need for growth - TTI (theological training institute) is place/time for formation
- woundedness is not the barrier - what you do with it can be
- the priestly ministry is distinct within ministry of all believers
- preaching, teaching, sacraments, pastoral care, mission
- the uncomfortable thought "that is what I was born for"
- Is this what Jesus is asking?
- red flag - overconfidence, if the candidate thinks themselves already everything required and God's gift to the church
Vespers followed, and after a brief rest, a fun meal shared on the Curry Mile.
SUNDAY
Breakfast and checking out preceded returning to the church where we talked to the Bisop the night before, for morning prayer with the parish priest. Of course we grabbed tea and biscuits, before sitting in the social room for a chat with him about the process. He gave us the perspective, to add to the Bishop's, of a member of the panels that report back from the BAPs.
- discernment involves listening to others, listening to God
- BAP is not an interview for a job, it is a time and place to get to know you and line you up in the context of the criteria
- in younger candidates, less emphasis on evidence, more on potential
- there's a gap in uptake of women under 30, especially non-evanglicals
Going through the criteria
A - being able to tell your story
- listen but also talk to others including those outside the church
- don't be embarrassed
- priest - sacraments, service, connections, represent and enable others to witness Christ, leader
- can be uncomfortable language, don't be scared of the words
B - asked where you've been to, basically tell your story and understand your own personal tradition including how you got there and which forces have shaped you
- good to experience other churches
- two telling questions - what are your interests outside the church? What do you believe will be the main elements in your future ministry?
C - friends can be part of spiritual direction, not crucial to have official spiritual director, though advised
D/E/F - mostly assessed at the actual BAP rather than preceding paperwork
- being able to talk, and honestly, about difficult times
- be relaxed
- say who you are, assessment is of your calling as you, not the person you think they want you to be
G - not just being a believing Christian - critical, articulate, involvement in your life
- can have nuanced 'coming to Christ' rather than dramatic conversion
- what do I understand Christ to be? can have different expression
H - mission and evangelism = two separate terms!
- look up five marks of mission
I - flexibility of mind, openness to change and challenge
- awareness of others' vulnerability
- breadth of personality eg films, reading etc
TIPS
- talk to people about my calling in and outside church
- diocese vocation fellowship?
- run with what you find interesting
- not too bothered about being on the PCC or synods
- in the group activity, listen to others' views and draw things together
- get involved at parish level but also focus on bigger picture eg Greenbelt
- be informed about the Church
- inform about religious/spiritual interests and explore why inspired by certain people
- PRAY. Discipline is important, regularity is very Anglican
- placements can be good
- red flag - over-assertiveness, though show vulnerability, only in a balanced way
Mass was basically Catholic, which was an novel experience. Not my cup of tea though. Talked to some of the congregation, over tea naturally, and had a fab lunch of cold meat, hard boiled eggs, salad, bread and cheese.
The last session was a bring and share. People brought books that inspired them, Bible verses, a teddy, and I took my children's Bible, because that's where my story always starts, and it reminds me that I am dedicating my life to a story, the telling and sharing of stories, and I should never forget that.
Benediction of the Sacrament and laying on of hands was all new as well, but rather sweet. I had to run to catch my train, but made it in time, and got home. Yes, I cried that night as seen in the video, but I meant what I said.
I would highly recommend a vocations weekend, I got so much more out of it than day conferences, not just as we were able to fit more organised stuff in, but also from learning from my companions as we got to know each other through worship, sharing meals and experiences together.
First of all, I will apologise both for the sunglasses, and the wobbly camera action near the end.
Something I didn't talk about in this video is the continuing theme of my discernment which is going against expectations. My own expectations to be precise. Apparently my pre-existing ideas about myself need to be knocked out of me one by one, until I'm pretty sure anything that I think is going to happen in the future isn't likely to work out the way I currently think it will; and certainly the person that I currently imagine I am going to be will probably never actually exist. Instead, slowly but surely God's will is being done, and my end of the bargain is to the respond, accept, and put the leg work in.
This pastoral assistant job for example. As I said, a few months ago I decided it wasn't going to be for me. A few months ago, had I read a job description that involved a heck of a lot of youth and children's ministry, I would have laughed in the face of anyone idiotic enough to suggest I might do it. But now, it's the right time for this opportunity to come to me, so I didn't reject it out of hand, I didn't sneer and grimace at the thought of running the creche and confirmation classes. It clicked, right into place, for that is how I and the universe are built at this moment in time.
This is not to say that I actually have the job yet, nor that I think it's a certainty that I will. I still have to get to the know the community and enterprise by going to some services and 'pre-production research' as I would normally call it in theatre; and then the Big Interview, going up against two other candidates. This is so unlike my usual mode in job hunting, it scares the bejeesus out of me. So I'm not saying this is *dramatic voice* MY DESTINY or any tosh like that. But it's the direction I've been turned in, and in faith and trust (and imaginary pixie dust) I will step out and do my best.
All disciples are called to serve God; secondary calling is what I'm called to in particular. And my calling is not 'ordained ministry', it's more specific than that
college as an ordinand - formation and academia. Discern with fellow ordinands
show potential for growth and development
encourage others and nurture their gifts
the ministry of an ordained priest is to focus, enable, equip and release others
"Being at home in God"
setting boundaries that are unnatural to an extrovert
the complexity of the CofE is in its diverse experiences
one foot in the world is important
Sacrifices of the ordained - strained/unsure/complicated boundaries, not being able to switch off, loneliness, others' perception, not being able to put down roots
the theological understanding 'ordination' is debated and contested. It's a moment of consecration, that can be viewed on a wide spectrum from sacramental to just authorisation for a function. It is at a base level an affirmation by the church
there could be opportunity to do work experience in a chaplaincy
military chaplaincy is a niche calling and so should be explored
my deeper understanding of myself can summed in
morality
supporting passions
understanding and providing tools to help others understand
TO DO
ask others what my spiritual gifts are
Art at Christ the King, Kettering.
"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6
QUESTIONS FOR ME TO ANSWER (in another blog post)
Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?
What is my leadership style?
What is my heart's desire?
What are my motivations?
How has God used me already?
What is the way God calls me?
OPPORTUNITY right step at right time, with a feeling to back it up
What is the Gospel to me?
How do I know when it is God talking?
What is the church here for?
Emma from CPAS, me, and Jenny the Cranmer ordinand. Great gals!
In reference to the video, this is what I wrote this morning:
"At the moment I'm in the middle of reading the book Jesus and Peter: Growing in friendship with God. I've wanted to get to know more about Peter for a while, and this is the book my rector recommended. I've always liked Peter, but it was this past Palm Sunday that it started niggling at me, because I played the part in our dramatic performance of the Passion story. (Yes, our church doesn't care about casting historically accurate genders in it's dramas - the point of dramatising the story is to make it more affecting, and seeing your pew neighbour up there denying Christ, betraying Christ, or being Christ makes it very effective, regardless of the gender they are.) Thinking about Peter as I stood next to the person playing Jesus, it struck me, I think for the first time, how real the people in the gospel stories were."
Will ya just calm down Peter?!
I thought about this when standing with the friend I mention in the video; thought of Peter standing next to his friend Jesus just I was standing next to my friend, and both our friends handing out wisdom and trying to calm us down.
Peter in the gospel is a passionate, hell for leather kind of guy. Good intentions, not so much forethought, rushing in confidently but often crashing around a bit. I can SO relate. Calm, helpful Jesus would probably have had conversations similar to the one my friend had with me, getting Peter to slow down enough to think.
I suspect Peter probably had times when he felt overwhelmed and torn as well, trying to balance talking to Jesus, praying, checking with the others, getting supplies, sorting the money, scheduling the travel plans, keeping all the Jewish needs seen to, eating and drinking right, staying out of the sun when it was hot, keeping up with the news locally and from other cities, maybe even contemplating romance, possibly having medical issues, enjoying getting a tad drunk sometimes, doing a heck of a lot of walking, thinking about his fishing days and missing his dad...Anyway.
Just like I talked about Paul in another vlog, Peter had his period of stumbling, but both men became pillars and leaders in the early church, in Acts. I read the outcome of the their stories and think "Oh I want to get there too! How?!" and the answer is the same as for them: through Jesus. Simple and complex at the same time. At the moment, I have Peter's enthusiasm and Paul's clouded vision. My relationship with Jesus and our journey together mirrors theirs as well - through prayer and community; and their example in the NT's pages gives me courage to keep going.
The book about Peter talks of 'mature discipleship'. That's a great phrase for how I see my calling, the end goal, whether that be in the form of ordination or not. I'm like Paul, without Peter's advantage of being the same spacetime as Jesus the incarnation - my relationship is with the ascended Christ, the Son of the Trinity. So my discipleship is not following him around for three years and sorting his travel arrangements. It's moving towards him in prayer, centering my life on his example, and helping others do the same, bringing humanity closer to the coming of the kingdom of heaven.
He will meet me in prayer, and in community. And very much in the meeting of souls when I talk to my friends. Jesus for me is my friend, the person at my shoulder, often with a warm, comforting, rock solid hand on my shoulder, giving me the strength with the Spirit, wisdom from the Word, and a guiding, if not always obviously, path from the Father.
(I'm writing this assuming you have watched this video and those videos that are linked in it.)
As hard as it is to think about God's plan for us, it is a very human thing to try and gain a sense of perspective, especially nowadays when we have a greater scientific understanding of the 14 billion years of spacetime, and therefore also of the seeming insignificance of our own 80ish years on one small part of this single planet. Add in millennial issues of what counts as success - as The Circus Spirit are discussing this month, how relevant - and often finding it difficult to deal with failure, either trying too hard or not bothering to try at all, and it's unsurprising that I find it a tough subject.
We want an obvious goal in life. That would make it simple. My rector Lucy likes to tell of someone who told her it was easy - Job House Man Car. Tick all those off, and well done, you've succeeded at life as far as she was concerned. But there is very little that is one size fits all, and so we can't really make it simple.
Do I need to figure out what my list is to tick off for success? On the one hand, having a clearer understanding of what I want out of my life and what I think will make me happy will help guide my decision making, give me something to aim for as a starting point, and who says I can't keep adding things to the list? On the other hand, would I be able to cope with failure, if I were to be so bold as to articulate what I want? It would be hard to shrug off failing at something that I had given the significance of being an official thing to achieve in life.
Have a plan for my life vs. take it as it comes. I suppose I fall into the former camp because I don't just want to wait for opportunity to knock, I want to get out there and be proactive in my own life - "You're supposed to be the leading lady in your own life, for God's sake!" to quote the film The Holiday. If I'm going to do that, then I must have something aim for - proactivity is powerless without direction. If I need something to aim for, doesn't it seem best to - aim for what is most important - aim for what makes me happy - aim for what makes others happy - and aim for what makes the world a better place? That's summarised by the Great Commandment - love God, love your neighbour as yourself. - God is most important, for God is Love and Love is at the centre of all things; so aiming for God is to love God. - If I do that, I'll be aiming for what makes me happy, because I'll be going in the right direction, going with the grain of the universe and living a life of love, which I've always been drawn to. Love gives us connection to the people and world we live with, which is what gives life meaning. - Love your neighbour as yourself is literally aiming for what makes others happy, from a place of love that is based on self-love - and this is the divine game plan that will bring the kingdom of heaven, ie. make the world a better place. My current thinking is that God wants me to a priest, and I agree that this is an opportunity to make me happy, others happy, and the world a better place, in small ways anyway. So it seems like a good plan to direct my decisions over the next few years. Was it what I was born to do? The character who sings this song, Campbell, wants to be the captain of her cheerleading squad, and lead them to victory at the national championships. She sees this as the one achievement she was 'born to do'.
But that opportunity is taken from her. She's moved to a new school that doesn't have a squad. Sadly, she still thinks it's the entire point of her life, so she lies and cheats to make the dance crew into a squad to take them to regionals then nationals, in an attempt to achieve her raison d'etre. She can't accept the failure so she ends up ruining burgeoning friendships when her deception is revealed. But there are two characters with better perspective and more maturity than her, and show her where she went wrong and what is really important. Randall explains how high school is not the be-all-and-end-all of life (shockingly) and there are much bigger dreams to dedicate your life too; and Danielle, seeing that she and her crew have got something out of the cheerleading they've been doing despite the deception it was based on, gives Campbell a second chance, giving her a different reason to compete. They go to compete, but they ignore the rules, forget about winning, and just be themselves, expressive, excited, a crew that loves being with each other and excelling at what they love together. They don't win and Campbell's old team do, but Campbell realises that she won is everything else that matters. It's a daft show, with great music and a lot of comedy, but that story dealing with not getting what you dreamt of, and realising you don't have to be restricted by your own expectations of your life - that's deep, man. How do I know I've succeeded? Do I need to know what I was born to do to do it? Do I need to do it? Campbell's story can say several things. You might be wrong about what you were born to do, and if that's the case, it's not the end of the world. A goal is not bigger than the life you have already, especially the people and relationships in it, and should not take precedence over them. Understanding where your life is going is a process, and it's helpful to gain perspective, so you aren't narrow minded and restricted in where life takes you, which in turn restricts your opportunities for happiness and success. It's counter intuitive, but by not letting the 'goals to succeed in life' that you might have gain too much importance, you will have to greater chance at succeeding in life. For me? I can't let go a vague plan and some ideas of what I want. That plan is based on ideas of who I am, going back to Hank's video. I have labels for myself too, but he's right that really, we can never be sure of who we are. To paraphrase, I am a story I tell myself, which means it's subjective, incomplete and a little bit of a lie; not just what I was born with but the result of many factors, including the expectations from others and myself. The plan can't be sure because who I am is not sure. The plan cannot be consistent, because I am not consistent. So I should give up wanting the plan to be sure and consistent, and give up living like the expectation of how I live my life is the only factor. I want to be doing a good job becoming the kind of person I want to be; but these wants and ideas should just be tools, not boxes.
Doubt is not something I want to put words to. Admitting that I have doubts about my calling is quite painful. But doubt is an important part of faith. I don't think a lot of people really realise that. I know for example I've had an argument with my boyfriend about the nature of faith - he thought is was something you feel and not based on evidence. I countered that he was describing blind faith, and I did not recognise his definition as the faith I have.
Faith is not always blind
Blind faith is 100% convinced, but true faith has real conviction because it constantly doubts. Why have faith in something if you haven't reason to? I have doubted pretty much every part of my faith, including the big ones like do I believe in God. I like going back to the very Jewish idea, which I think Anglicanism embraces very well, of arguing. Arguing with your faith, interrogating your scripture, contemplating other possibilities. Moses (Exodus 4) immediately springs to mind as someone who directly shouted at God, questioned God (Exodus 3), and in the New Testment, the Apostle Peter wavered in faith (Matt 14); even Jesus had moments, eg. at the Mount of Olives (Luke 22), and I considered not even mentioning Doubting Thomas as the obvious choice.
These doubters were all true role models of faith. And so I feel stronger for being able to follow their example, and speak out about my doubts, to face them head on, in the never-ending struggle and journey of faith.
***
I have worried that I am deluded. Most of the time it makes so much sense to think that I am 'destined' to be a priest, then I scold myself for being so arrogant, then I worry that not feeling special is a sign that it's not a true calling, but surely modesty is better than self-grandeur...
It gets a little cyclical, and I end up feeling lost and guilty. Okay, so confront it, what if I am deluded? (Forgetting the possibility of being deluded that there is a God, and concentrating on the possibility of being deluded that I feel a calling from God). I have been getting more and more religious, so is thinking there's a calling just part of my very thorough way of doing things and being a priest seems the obvious way of 'doing religion thoroughly', and that's the real reason I'm doing it? Does it feel right because it feels like the way to do that part of my life 'properly'?
Okay, I might have a calling, but what if I'm called to something else? Being ordained and being a full time priest is just one of many callings for Christians. I might be copping out of the hard reality of juggling Christianity and other parts of my life. Many people, most Christians in fact, live out their faith whilst in full time secular employment, why do I feel I have to put my Christianity as not just my religion but my job, and not just that but a community role, a life vocation?
Surely I'm not the right person to represent the Church and lead an example of Christ-like living. I've never been naturally a 'people person', and a lot of people find me too loud, boisterous, direct and intense. I have very liberal attitudes to things like sex and relationships that many in the Church would probably object to, even though I go about my love life with as much care to Love God as much as Love Neighbour as any other part of my life. But part of me worries that I'm just wrong. I think I'm doing good not evil, that I'm living conscientiously, trying to not sin, but what if I'm wrong? I swear, take Christ's name in vain, get drunk, shout at my family, buy nice things, don't give change to beggars. There are people in the world who genuinely think I'm a bad person; there's at least one I can think of who probably actually hates me. That doesn't sound like a priest.
No one seems as enthusiastic about it as me. Is their support just politeness? There's a lot in the literature about other people affirming your calling - nope. One crazy stranger, that's all I've had. Not my priest, my boyfriend, my family, my friends, no one has positively said they think it's a good idea. I'm not trying to criticise them - if that's how they feel, I certainly want them to be honest. So if they are, if I'm in the minority of one that thinks I could be a priest, how likely is it that I'm the one that's right?
I have no issues with my human sexuality
Let's look at the Criteria again (see also previous post) and what I can't do or haven't got.
Others have not confirmed my inner conviction.
I have barely any spirituality; I generally never sit in prayer to God apart from reading other people's words. Nor have I done any Bible study. I don't see how the world and others have been affected my practice of prayer, and frankly I have serious issues with the notion of 'the power of prayer'. I've never understood how spiritual practice 'sustains and energises'.
I've struggled with maintaining appropriateness in professional relationships - I'm a flirt, blunt, emotional. I'm an out bisexual - whoops, Issues of Human Sexuality.
People don't follow me, my leadership skills leave a lot to be desired. How can I offer an example of faith when I feel culturally compelled to not mention God so as not to make atheists uncomfortable?
I feel anger and fear about mission, a distinct mistrust and aversion to evangelising.
***
So what do I doubt about my calling? I doubt that I'm called at all, I doubt that I'm called specifically to be ordained, I doubt that I'm the right type of person to be ordained, I doubt that I'm right to disagree with my support network, I doubt that I can fit the criteria for being ordained.
And it is terrifying. I hate having doubts. I have so much conviction, assurance and excitement about my calling, it knocks at my core to express doubt. I've used this metaphor before: I have a bedrock of trust in God, on which are pillars of faith, holding up the foundations of my soul, on which the building of my heart sits, in the infusing cloud of my brain. Doubt is lightning spearing from that cloud, and rocking the whole structure. My emotions get knocked about and chaotic, my soul ripples and sends shockwaves through my faith, and my trust is holding firm but not unwobbled.
As it nears late into the night, and I have read through the 9 paragraphs over and over, some of my anxiety has been calmed. Yes, I am worried by some criteria, and this is only the summary, so there will be lots more detail to go through in the full document, but I feel a lot more comfortable about the idea of being scrutinised through this lens. Maybe it is because of the old adage "familiarity breeds disdain", but I suspect not.
I feel confident that there are lot of criteria that I already meet to various degrees, and the ones of which I might fall short have potential, and a potential that can be realistically met in most circumstances. I am ready for that challenge, and eager to accomplish those skills and needs of ordained ministry that I will need to start the life long journey of becoming a better and better priest.
I have really enjoyed looking at "what it means to be a deacon or a priest". I have written a separate blog post here about what I currently think makes a good priest, and what I want out of a priest from a lay person's perspective, before I become too involved in the discernment process to be able to remember. The hope is that as I gain insight into what the Church thinks makes a good priest, I will have that list to hold onto, so as not to lose sight of what the person I am now wanted of the person I will be, when I am her, if that makes any sense.
In order of most confident to least confident, the sections are in this order for me at the moment:
(in brackets in the order in which they appear in the criteria)
1. Vocation (1)
2. Quality of Mind (9)
3. Personality and Character (4)
4. Faith (7)
5. Ministry within the CofE (2)
6. Spirituality (3)
7. Relationships (5)
8. Leadership and Collaboration (6)
9. Mission and Evangelism (8)
I am most confident about Vocation, because I have examined my own sense of vocation thoroughly, and am in an ongoing conversation about it with significant people in my life. I use words like "inevitable" and "inescapable" about my vocation, and it fills me with joy, wonder, and impatience.
Quality of Mind, and Personality and Character are the parts I have most thought about before starting this discernment process, and I am happy to conclude that my opinion is that I am capable, and suited in most areas, with potential for improvement where I might not be as skilled.
Faith is probably the section I feel most articulate about when I talk off the cuff. It's the pillars that sit on the bedrock of trust in God holding up the foundations of my soul on which the building of my heart sits in the infusing cloud of my brain (if I could draw, I would SO sketch that metaphor).
Ministry within the CofE sits in the middle of the list, because I love my Church, and the thought of being on the inside, being part of the machine, the story of that institution, is desirable, but the responsibility and pressure is unnerving.
It's a serious business, being a priest
Spirituality is less important to me, at the moment, than Faith, but I think because my journey so far has concentrated on faith, first personal then community. Building my spirituality is part of this step, the next step, as I shape my life to be more prayerful in anticipation of answering my calling.
Relationships is not a major concern, but not a confident section. I feel halfway through my process of learning to establish, develop, and maintain relationships of all types, and of course Issues in Human Sexuality needs to be looked at.
Leadership and Collaboration, I am only confident in my potential of leadership qualities. They need work, time and effort to craft and improve. Collaboration is further along than leadership.
Mission and Evangelism I almost want to shy away from. I only feel the tiniest push towards this part of ministry, much rather preferring the subtle elements of showing by example, and providing witness only with provocation or inquiry, rather than proactively.
It is 2am in the morning and I have decided to start this project. Possibly not the best time of day to make decisions, but I'm doing it anyway.
I am a 23 year old British woman who feels a calling to ministry, and I am at the absolute beginning of my journey of finding out whether that means life as an ordained priest. I am putting together various strategies and tools to use in this process and in general re-orientating my life in response to my calling, and this blog is hopefully one of them.
I am challenging myself to put up a blog, a vlog, or both, once a month, to try and articulate the process I'm going through, and order my thoughts into coherence. Because I cannot cope without a structure, a plan, and this is one of the most important things in my life so I'm going to try and do right, and damn thoroughly to boot, if I can help it.
