I'm in the army! Eight years discernment later

 

Apologies for putting this video on the blog a while after it was published on Youtube. Also many apologies for not realising I had used the camera's audio not my mic's! 

I write this at the Chaplaincy Centre and watching that back, it feels like a million years ago even though it's only a few days since I said goodbye and moved out. It's all going well so far!

My future in the army? Seven years following a call

I am into my third year of curacy, and my second of priesthood. (If you want to see a little of what I've been up to, I have updated my Steps page with some highlights). As I have said throughout this blog, discernment of vocation is a rolling task, and my journey to ordained priest was just one chapter. Okay, may be more like a volume, but one of many in the series of my life. Our calling as Christians is never just one thing, to be figured out, then just keep doing it until you die. Even for clergy, whose calling has this headline to it, the context in which we are a priest changes; either called to the same place and/or people which will inevitably change simply with time, or called to different places and different people at different times.

Third year of curacy takes a turn towards 'the next step', looking ahead and starting to think about 'what's next', because just like the official discernment process looks to BAP, the BAP looks to college, and college looks to curacy, curacy looks to (usually) First Incumbency. This is often framed as the You've Made It ⭐️ stage: discernment and formation is done, the ordinand caterpillar has gone through the goo of the curacy chrysalis and emerged a slightly wet vicar butterfly. The diocese will help you with things like training, supervision, and mentoring (I believe), and eventually you'll be on the hamster wheel of MDRs (Ministerial Development Reviews). 

From what I can tell, the latter can be used brilliantly as a tool for clergy to continue in discernment and formation, but depends entirely on the drive of the individual, so some use it as a tickbox exercise because they are all-consumed by their parish. Any thought of personal development is dismissed or repressed because it is not priority enough to warrant carving time for amongst the day-to-day demands of their current role. Because it is 'personal', it is hard for clergy to see the wood for the trees - their 'ministry' only counts if it is parish-related.

I don't blame clergy who end up in this position one jot, and I will inevitably find myself in that groove at some point. I can only hope that I will manage to climb back out of it before I am irredeemably entrenched.

Theologian Frederick Buechner defines vocation as the place where “your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet.” (See more here.) It is easy to slide from one extreme to the other on that scale, either doing something joyful and purposeless or something worthwhile and soul-sucking. The CofE is built on the parish system; it's the beating heart of this member of the body of Christ on and of this land, and I don't think it is possible to understand oneself to be part of the CofE without some tether into that system. So the majority of the clergy that are ordained into it are rightly called to be parish priests of some variety. I may at some point in the future discern that my calling will take me there, but at the moment, I feel called somewhere else. That is not currently where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet. 

The seed of a calling to chaplaincy was planted in 2014 (God bless the Church Times book tent at Greenbelt!) you can see my post about it in 2015 here, and it has snowballed. From another post, a summary of my calling can be: 

"The main thing the [military] personnel reflected was that the Padre must care; 

and I thought "I can do that". 

I started reading about military chaplaincy. I talked to my first military chaplain in March 2016, see here. I started to grasp that military chaplaincy is a 'niche' calling, and discerning it was going to have to self-directed. At events, I chose to attend anything that discussed chaplaincy (where I got nuggets like thinking of it as a bit like being a friar in a community). Once I got to theological college, I did a placement with a school chaplain, but got excited when an RAF chaplain visited, so signed up to their recruitment stuff and did a visit in the summer of 2019. 

That May, I had talked to an incredible woman. [I love this story so I'll put it in full. A friend of mine from sixth form ended up in Newcastle, so we hung out while I was up in Durham. He invited me to a trip with his uni alpine society that includes alumni, and so we drove down to Cheddar Gorge. Over that weekend, I spoke to another alumni, and the clergy thing came up, and then so did the interest in the army. He said he was a reserves medic and loved their padre, and put me in touch with her.] That conversation not only got me so excited ("Sign me up, I want to do that!") but she put me in touch with the priest running the pilot Chaplain Cadet scheme. So I ended up spending Sep 2019-June 2020 at the NUOTC on placement.

My point is, this idea that I want to sign up as an army chaplain after curacy, rather than be an incumbent, has not come out of the blue, and it's not about running away from something (parish) but towards something (padre). It has been 8 years of discernment as a thread in my wider discernment. I'm looking at my 'next step' fairly early; one usually doesn't look until Christmas in year 3. But the application process means coordinating the behemoth institutions of the Army, the CofE, and the NHS, so I was advised that cracking on in January 2022 meant I would be sorted well in advance of the entry point Sep 2023.

I want to end my curacy with both feet still in the door. It might seem like getting things sorted early is the opposite of that, but doing all the application forms and visits and fitness training (I've joined a gym! WTF?! Follow me on Twitter to keep up with that drama) well in advance means that I won't be doing it in the last six months of being here, so I can really be here up until the last.

Like I said, I am a CofE priest, and that means I be definition can't leave the parish system as such. I am still operating under a bishop's licence as a chaplain, and I might up end up transitioning to be a reservist, where you are much more anchored in a diocese. I don't want to be a chaplain who disconnects, holes up in their institution, and imagines their ordained status as 'absolute' ie unrelated to any place (in the CofE, one cannot be ordained without being ordained into a role), as if their ministry is floating in a bubble. 

Some people suggest chaplaincy as a place for curacy and that is a rather stupid idea in my opinion. Curacy is, as Lucy always says, where you learn your muscle memory as a priest, and a priest in the Church of England is a priest of this Church and of this place, England. The ministry of this member of the body of Christ is defined as on and of this land, most definitively exercised in the parish system. Cof E Chaplains have anything to offer the places they serve because they are rooted in that system, and technically so are all the people they serve. If you are in or of an English diocese, you are under the cure of a bishop, shared to a specific priest in each place. I never want to forget that, and so regardless of my growing call to chaplaincy, this curacy has been my focus for its parochical nature. I am a CofE priest, I cannot pick and choose parts I like and think are 'relevant' to some future role I may have. 

I get that I am sounding a little defensive. I have picked up some very unjust opinions of chaplains from within the parish system, and so it is important to me in my reflections that I do not see them as different and certainly not opposed. Chaplaincy is more important now as less people go to church because it means the church going to where the people are. I see it as a very twenty-first century ministry in that regard, in a similar way to the church waking up to the importance of cathedrals. 

So at the moment, the next chapter looks set to be army chaplaincy. I say looks to be because firm plans are rarely a good idea in discernment; I try to keep to dreams and ideas most of the time, until decisions are needed, and they are not needed yet. The application process is rolling on, but I benefit from the policy that if I am offered a commission, I have five years to take it up. There's a lot of other factors in life to consider in the decisions to be made, and I'm trying not to rush, whilst at the same time sensibly getting on top of things that take time.

My questions are still the same as ever - where am I called to, what am I called to, who am I called to? My prayer always comes back to the verse quoted in this blog's title: "Let me hear of your steadfast love in the morning, for in you I put my trust. Teach me the way I should walk in, for to you I lift up my soul." (Psalm 143). Discernment continues to be hard, which is not what I thought would happen. I thought I would make it through to being a fully qualified priest at the end of curacy and it would let up slightly, that I would have established my sense of purpose so following a path would be easier.

But it is a rolling task, as I said. I feel lucky that I have been gifted the years of groundwork that mean I do not see end of the curacy as a big, scary void that I have to fill with some job somewhere that I'm only starting to think about now. My next step is not decided, but it is slowly being sketched out, a dream of a butterfly with camo wings. I think it will be both worthwhile for the world and joyful for me; I can imagine that I will work to feed a part of the world's deep hunger, and get my own deep gladness. That's what it feels like when I contemplate being a padre. I can do that.

Video: Curacy and Lockdown

07/09/2019 Four years since start of exploration of vocation

Now obviously the date this post is published is not that of the title, but the idea of the post is to mark the date in the title, so I've kept it for the look of the thing!

I've been looking over the past anniversary posts, and whilst I did one after one year and one after two years,  I am shocked that I didn't do one last year, and I can only apologise. 2018 and 19 have been sparse for content here, but that doesn't mean I've not been doing anything - it's just that I've been getting on with college, concentrating on the detail of my vocation rather than contemplating the big picture. Why would I? Once I arrived here, I had three years set out in front of me, a red carpet that I only had to follow.

But the end of the carpet is in sight and suddenly the prospect of stepping off it needs addressing. To be honest, my post a few months ago did a good job of summing up the feeling of second year. Since then, I have spend two weeks in Belgium, and done 4 weeks parish placement, which was lovely - great people, and a fabulous vicar, with loads of experiences and stuff; I was very pleased to reflect that I felt very comfortable being the ordinand, the one alongside the vicar ie. I felt competent.

I have also spent 4 days with RAF chaplains, who were so hospitable and generous; I had a proper holiday which did me a lot of good, as well as a holiday visiting friends who are simply mad and joyful; I had a week's retreat at Pluscarden Abbey, which was okay, though I should have gone to an Anglican one really; I took my motorcycle to Scotland so I've had a lot of experience to make me a better rider; and I have just got back from a two week placement with the army chaplains, which was amazing.

That's a lot to go through in 14 weeks. I'm so glad I have a little bit of time before term starts to reorientate and sort out my life a bit. But also, since then the wheel has been turning on conversations around curacy - in case you don't know, I can't tell anyone anything until a curacy is absolutely confirmed, but I can say I am looking at somewhere. Plus I really need to get cracking on my dissertation. The end of this chapter is nigh and the planning for the next already in motion.

In amongst it all, feeling like one is on a conveyor belt, contemplation of vocation is hard to fit in, though I will say I am very interested in army chaplaincy, and I am very pleased that I will be doing my term time placement with a university officers training corps. I haven't had any doubts that I am supposed to be here and I am called to be an ordained priest in the Church of England, and I've been doing overall pretty well. I'm so happy to have the motorcycle, and I think that will have a significant effect in my third year.

It's still weird to think that this time next year I'll be ordained a deacon. Wearing a collar, ministering in a parish, oh, and have money coming in again! A very different life to the last two years, and a new sense of being - to be ordained itself still seems distant and unimaginable.

Four years later, life has changed completely, several times, and will change completely again. God remains consistent and steadfast, but I am changed, almost completely as well. Some of that is growing up, and some is shifting priorities and wider understandings.

I'm starting to waffle, I'm sorry. Life is pretty full and whilst I am glad about that, I can sometimes lose sight of 'me' in 'my life', so reflecting on the last year is a little hazy. Hopefully it'll get processed in the depths of memory and I'll have figured it out once I look back on it in the future. I think that's a common experience of full time college, even without the priestly formation stuff.

Who knows what third year will bring? I cannot guess, but I'll let you know.

Video: Belgium trip 2019 (and new motorcycle!)

Also, in case anyone is interested, here's a close up of my new tattoo which makes a couple of appearances in the video. I got it in May 2019, a year after my first one (the rainbow on my arm). It is based on a design from the east window of the St John's College chapel of an ancient symbol for Christ called a Chi Rho. So now I carry the New Testament Christ over my heart.

And I am now the owner of my own motorcycle! This is me half way home to Durham having been hanging out with some RAF chaplains down south for a few days. His name is Jimmy, and he is a Suzuki GSF600 Bandit. And yes, hanging out with the chaplains was pretty cool too, but no, me on the motorcycle did not mean it was all like Top Gun.

LGBT ordinand

A sermon by a bisexual ordinand

 in a school chapel, 

speaking on LGBT history month.*

*including my story, bisexual nuns, Peru, Frida Kahlo, and textiles.

Video has no visuals, just the audio, as I was at a school, so cannot show the footage that includes the children. My audio equipment failed, so the sound is just the inbuilt camera mic - I recommend putting on the subtitles (button bottom right of the video) to follow more easily.

First term as an ordinand

My goodness look, she’s put up a text post, huzzah! I know, I know, I’ve been a bit lazy and just put up videos for a while.

But in the wake of my first term as an ordinand, I don’t think I can reflect coherently on how I am and how things are in a video. It’s been a packed 11 weeks, busier than I anticipated. I’ve needed to be easy on myself, and not get guilty about the things that I’ve felt I haven’t done well.

I didn’t know what to expect going in. I didn’t know how to organise myself with an academic degree – ‘doing some reading’, lecture notes, the library, ‘pre-reading’. Foreign territory, all of it. And since my last post about the retreat, we’ve had several deadlines for essays, which has been the real meat of the term, academically speaking. I was totally unprepared for that, and I’ve learnt a lot of lessons which will hopefully mean next term will be better.

Amongst that I’ve been struggling the sustain myself spiritually and socially, plus not been able to do exercise, and I even had to give up cooking in the last few weeks, and only eat in the dining hall. I ended up in a bit of a heap by the end. But I feel overall positive about the whole thing, which seems odd, but like I said, I’m being easy on myself. My first term of nine may not have been smooth but there were no disasters, nothing actually ‘went wrong’, and I’m still happy to be where I am.

I’m making friends, getting good marks back from the essays, getting on with my housemates, connecting with various clergy in the area. I’ve been on placement with a great chaplain and I’ve even given a sermon! I had visitors from the south a couple of weekends, there was a fantastic Christmas party to finish term and say goodbye to the deputy warden – trying to summarise the whole term is pretty tricky, but there are tons of positives.

But life has been very full. I have felt a little dragged along with it, getting on with things when I didn’t understand them 100%, didn’t have time to get to grips with them as fully as I would have liked, which for me is a stressful place to be in. I’ve not really acknowledged my underlying stress, and I should. I’m not ‘stressed out’ but I just have not felt grounded.

My tutor pointed out that one factor is not really having a lot of contact with my home ground kind of church – I’m spending most of my time at either much lower, at college, or higher, at my placement chapel; and I think she’s right that it’s had an impact. I was at St James’ on Sunday for the morning service and Nine Lessons and Carols, and there was a relief to be with people ‘like me’. Now I realise that this is partly an evolutionary hang up that we really must get over, but that doesn’t stop me feeling that way.

At least I have actually enjoyed building relationships with evangelicals and conservatives at college, even if it’s been an effort. And it’s not been as bad as it could have been, because said evangelicals have been very open; the way I put it is they may think I’m going to hell, but if they do they don’t seem to hold it against me.

Like I said, hopefully I’ll have more of a handle on my academic work next term, which means I can schedule in down time, exercise, socialising, and other stress release things. Plus some of this term’s stress sources should be a lot less stressful because I’m now more familiar with everything new, and I'll start seeing a spiritual director.

So, first term as an ordinand. Overall positive, lessons learned, hopeful in moving forward. God is with me.

PS How AWESOME that the new Bishop of London, my sponsoring bishop, is a woman!!

PPS watch out for my next adventure - I'm flying to Switzerland next week!

Video: Young Women - Your Call

On Saturday 23rd April, I went to Coventry Cathedral for a young women's vocation's conference. There were 87 young women attending and about 20 ordained and lay women organisers, with a handful of husbands helping! It was the first all-women event I've been to, and I was having flashbacks to my school days at a girls school.

I videoed a quick summary of my thoughts as I waited in the train station, and below is a run down of what we did, and the notes I took during the sessions.

I had train issues but still managed to get there in time (go contingency time!) and we were welcomed before sharing in morning prayer. Celtic morning prayer, which was cool (I recently book the Celtic Daily Prayer book, which I'm looking forward to using). The first key note was Bishop Anne talking about vocation as a woman.
Notes from the welcome:
- under 40 and especially under 30 women under-represented as priests
- feeling of sisterhood! Surrounded by others, all have a story
Notes from the first key note
- God's voice is richer for being the living Word as opposed to human words
- what does God trust me with? Trust me to do?
- courage - embrace pain and joy, the risk of trusting the next step
- phrase 'anunciation moment' [useful to describe my moment in September]
- have sense of the potential of who I can be in God
- children and ministy = careful planning
- lifetime of discerning God's call that weaves in and out of the tapestry of our lives [this was an overriding theme and a really good analogy, such as only being able to see the mess at the back rather than the picture God is weaving on the front]
- women reject job descriptions if they don't think they can do 10% of it
- trust God through fear, like fear that you're on the wrong path - you can't fall beyond the reach of God's will and God's love

After a tea break, the second key note was basically a session on how to defend when someone brings up arguments against the ordination of women. I gotta be honest, I started getting uncomfortable at this stage, and realised that being at a targeted event about vocation may be great for young women who might not otherwise look at themselves as potential priests because of their gender, but I did not have that problem. It also rankled that a) I was basically being defined primarily by my gender which is an attitude I don't tolerate in my life and b) it played into the system of the gender binary, which is itself a factor in the patriarchal systems of female oppression, as well as just out of date thinking that I reject.

But speaker Lis did use the phrase 'the Gender Agenda' and sadly, people do have an agenda based on repressing the female gender. I made notes, and it was, I suppose, useful to hear positive interpretations of scripture, but I'm making the decision not to put them here, as a statement of my belief that we need to get past this position of defense; it was needed 20 years ago, but my generation is putting gender aside. It is not relevant to judging my aptitude at ministry, and as much as I love my gender and am proud to be a woman, I will not even give the space for the possibility of argument any more. It is finished.

I enjoyed talking to the young woman who I ended up sitting next to for the morning, but at lunch talked to others who migrated to the appropriate seating area designated by geography (ie south, south east etc). But sadly, because there were so many of us, and we weren't really pushed to stay in one area and talk to the same people, I spent most of the day feeling a tad isolated, and didn't bond with anyone the way I had at all the other, smaller, events I've been to.

Like in Kettering and York, we took seats at tables, and stayed there for most of the sessions, and lunch, which meant we had motivation to get to know our neighbours. Without the anchoring of a consistent place, I was really lucky to talk to anyone, and even luckier that I bumped into the woman I sat next to in the morning, at the train station, which was great.

After lunch, we split into smaller groups to attend short seminars that we had picked in advance. My first was 'Young and Ordained' and two women, a new curate, and a vicar, introduced themselves, told their stories, and asked us to talk to the person next to us about a person in the Bible that we related to.
My notes from this first half:
- hard to leave settled life - calling is not static, God 'sends'
- ordination is not peak of calling
- I related to Peter; the start and end of his calling by Jesus 'Follow me' and 'Do you love me?' - that's what Jesus is saying to me too
- but what can I, and only I, do in answer?

Then they talked about the challenges and joys of ordination.
Challenges
- 'Wisdom beyond your years' - expectation that clergy know what to say. Not necessarily 'the right quote', 'the right psalm' - no formula. God gives us words, just be yourself.
- 'Making and maintaining friendships' - friends spread out as you move around, especially young people move more. Be intentional - use holiday, make effort to go and to host. Who is important to make time to see?
- 'People taking you seriously' - not as bad as you might expect. Blagging it so people feel calm and reassured. People expect to see a representative of God. God equips.
- 'What people expect of the Vicar' - afraid to tell vicar that they [the vicar] are wrong as the priest should know. Can be asked about ethical and moral decisions.
- 'Being true to yourself' - look like self in dog collar. At first very aware of the collar. Feel judged. Alright to have friends in the parish. Rise to the challenge and adapt. Blurred lines especially for ordained with big personalities [!!] in different situations. Still forming in 20s/30s, getting to know yourself now in a public space.

Joys
- meet lots of different people
- feel right place, time and doing. Not what people expect lead to opening conversations.

Straight into the next seminar, it was really great to have sessions on other callings that parochial ministry, but uniquely in my experience led by actual practitioners of those other callings. I listened to three chaplains talk about school, prison and university chaplaincy.
Notes:
- spontaneous, holy spirit-led ministry
- broad, in every sector
- "religious/spiritual care in an organisation"
- finding God at work
- can volunteer to get experience, go through vicar or DDO
- multi-faith model, for the world
- creative, opportunities
- round peg, square hole in parochial ministry
- God also calls to stop
- drop in income doesn't matter if happy in position
- not imagine self in parish
- [thought to self, could there be an LGBT chaplain, rather than a place chaplain?]
- chaplains are on the edge
- prison - intense and emotionally demanding
   - large capacity to love, love those otehrs would find difficult, and can't loveselves
   - gift of love to loveless place, and bring hope that anyone's broken life can have meaning
   - structured expectations - visit new prisoners within 24hrs, visit segregated, visit hospital
   - paid by prison service, but critical friend eg on policy
- uni - students have less baggage
   - Christian community
   - wider community - all faiths and none, generous
   - element of mission but not priority
   - religious literacy - prepare students for a world that is 85% people of faith
- 'friar' in community [I like this image]
- "be you, there"
- school - welcome and hospitality, mental health
- resources for worship
- put on services for organisation
- "be a good guest"
- not of the organisation whilst in it
- talk to anyone, full access
- earn trust and show integrity
- lovely, a privilege
- transience, let people go
- listening

Bumped into a familiar face from CPAS!

More tea and coffee, then a final session for a panel Q&A.
Notes:
- have to be recommended by vicar
- know where you could engage the debates, and where you can't
- trust each other to be under scripture and under God, and walk together in prayer
- mental health difficult in church context
- at first, revisit feelings of incompetency
- it will cost for family
- look at all college options - not straightforward - what experience do you want, needs in academic theology, time, community, tradition, somewhere you can come alive
- official discernment process comes under Equality Act
- call is complicated - follow and obey but also life does happen and can change course - God works through strange ways
- husbands not so hot on clergy spouse support as wives - careful of boundaries with your spouse - are they called to be part of ministry
- take ordination vows seriously eg obedience - can be part of the Church's own discernment - Issue of Human Sexuality "content to live within these guidelines" - have to accept to be put forward for ordination
- BAP - vulnerability of being 100% convinced whilst also knowing that you're coming into the possibility of being told you're wrong

After one more cup of tea, we have a lovely Eucharist, and as I said, I had a lovely chat with one of the other attendees at the train station, just after I filmed the video.

Meeting the military chaplain

On March 11th 2016 I had my long awaited chat with a military chaplain. Early as it is in my process, I have a leaning towards chaplaincy; I have been looking at the various options, and out of the big ones (hospital, prison, university, military) for an unknown reason military has pinged on my radar.

I expressed this to my rector back in the mists of time (November) when we had a few meetings about my calling, and she happened to be working on a study guide to a memoir written by a priest who she had met at a conference, who was a military chaplain. So she e-introduced me to her, and I set up a meeting. This was back in January, and we met in March because she lives way out West and only comes to London occasionally.

It was a really nice conversation over a cup of tea. I told her my story of faith and calling (see the first handful of posts on this blog) and she told me about her calling, and then about chaplaincy. A lot of what she said sounded great and really like something I could do and enjoy, and she affirmed a lot of what I said in return.

She was encouraging and said I could email her any time, and she told me a lot about military chaplaincy that I didn't know. I'm trying to keep an open mind and really look at chaplaincy as a whole at this early stage, but nothing she said really put me off. Luckily I probably have at least nine years until I have to start contemplating chaplaincy and job prospects more seriously.

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As weird, embarrassing, and scary as telling people about my calling is (especially clergy) it is by far one of the most productive exercises that helps me understand myself better, gain new insights, and use their feedback and perspective in my own understanding of what God is asking me to do, and how to go about it. It also makes it a lot more personal, less abstract, and is very encouraging, I suppose because it becomes that little bit more tangible, more realistic. It is also always a great relief when no one laughs and tells me the thought of me as a priest is ridiculous.

It's most exciting (and least embarrassing) when the specific purpose of the discussion is specifically for me and my calling. It's hard not to feel egotistical when talking about it in more casual, social conversation. I've stopped talking about it with some people in my life, just because I feel bad for going on about it.

That's one of the many reasons I'm looking forward to being referred to a member of the diocese vocations team; their role is to help me, so I won't feel bad about focusing on my calling when talking to them. I also got another reminder today that I should really get a spiritual director - it's on my to do list, and if I remember, I plan to ask for recommendations from the ADO or whoever I talk to.

Oh, and happy Easter!

Video: 3 chaplains in day!

Video: Step Forward 2016

Step Forward is the Church of England's big annual conference day for people aged 18-30 considering ordination. It was held this year on March 12th (last Saturday as I write) at Bishopthorpe Palace outside York. The Archbishop of York was supposed to attend but was called away.

Entrance hall

The programme looked like this:

10:30 Registration and Refreshments
11.00 Opening Worship – Preacher: the Rt. Revd. Alison White, Bishop of Hull
11:30 “Calling”
12:15 “Discerning” Break into diocesan groups to meet Diocesan Directors of Ordinands (DDOs) and hear about discernment process.
13:00 Lunch
13:45 “Forming” A chance to hear what training is like (with Mark Tanner, Warden of Cranmer Hall, Durham and Father Peter Allen, College of the Resurrection, Mirfield, West Yorkshire.
14:30 “Serving” Stories from a variety of people serving as ordained ministers in very diverse settings.
15:30 “Worshipping” Closing worship including sermon, and opportunity to receive prayer, laying on of hands and anointing.
16:00 Tea and Depart

"Calling" was spent in partners doing some exercises to explore/describe our calling. We filled in a worksheet with 'stepping stones'  to lay out the major steps on our faith journey up to now. Mine looked like this:

• Part One (age 0-13) Children's Bible - Christingles - The Lord's Prayer - Mrs Currie - Do I believe this?
• Part Two (age 14-19) I want to wear a cross - You should own a Bible - St Michael le Belfry - I'm going to church tomorrow
• Part Three (age 19-23) I'm home - I want to get confirmed - Singing with God - I'm going to end up being a priest - Psalm 143:8 - I think I'm going to be a chaplain

(details in my blog posts first, second, third and fourth).

The steps in bold are the ones I think are the biggest turning points, and what I originally put in the five stones on the sheet before drawing in a million other ones to fit the other points of the journey. Then we did a classic discernment exercise called SHAPE - CPAS have a great online tool to do this exercise here. I've done this in the past, but as the leader pointed out, it's good to go over and see if anything new pops up. Mine looked like:

Spiritual gifts - Mercy and forgiveness, Faith, Hospitality

Heart - Doing right; Understanding and creating understanding; Storytelling

Abilities - Communication, Organisation, Energy

Personality - Confident, Generous, Focus, Love, Cheer, Honesty, Passion

Experience - Stage management; Sixth Form graduation Student of the Year; Different churches in Oz/NZ

Next we looked through God calling in scripture, and I connected with three - Jeremiah 1:4-9 "I am too young"; Peter in John 21:15-19 "Do you love me?"; and Paul in Acts 9:1-22 because he was blinded by his call (obviously I have only been metaphorically blinded).

Window in the main conference room

"Discerning" was great, mostly because I haven't met a DDO yet, and hearing the process from their perspective was really interesting, plus it was a lot more comfortable grilling them knowing they weren't your own DDO.

After lunch was "Forming", which was definitely my favourite part. Introducing themselves as a 'double act', the heads of the two theological colleges gave two very inspiring talks, not about grades, essays and course structure, but about the nature of the formation that goes alongside the academia, the spiritual and personal development that, at a more fundamental level, makes a priest a priest. Notes I made during this bit were:

• hold the presence of Christ in the church and in the world
• non-negotiable icons of Christ
• burden of non-stop priesthood
• learn who I am, who God is, and to be attentive
• Both in the world and in God's world
• Become the person I didn't think I could be, incl. a theologian, and a person who can pray
• Imperfections can lead to positive surprises
• Live from within my heart

Gives me goosebumps just reading it back.

Lastly was "Serving", the stories of four priests is different circumstances about their work. It wasn't the most diverse group - a catholic, male, village curate; a young, female, rural curate; a female, village vicar; and a male urban vicar - but I supposed it's always interesting hearing different stories.

Another note that I don't remember where it came from says simply "There is a cost to following the love of Christ." I think it might have been the urban vicar or the female, village vicar.

Two to-do things I got out of the day were arranging some chaplaincy 'placements' or whatever experience I can get, and be a calmer person, which will take more time and effort than the former task!

Overall it was a really lovely day with really interesting, inspiring and lovely people. I got to talk with Bishop Alison over lunch, and empathise with other delegates over the terrible state of online vocation resources, or at least the difficulty in finding them. They also gave out contact details of DDOs so I now know who the London DDO is and who the Two Cities Area Director of Ordinands is, who I presume will be involved in my case, when it finally gets that far.

I had dinner at the pub with these two lovely delegates

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On that point, the rector said last Friday we could set up a meeting, so that'll hopefully happen after Easter next week. I've put up the quick vlog I did about meeting with the uni chaplain today - as I said in that, I'm meeting another uni chaplain, and a uni college/police chaplain next week, and hoping to meet with a prison chaplain as well, though that's not bearing fruit as yet. They're being very nice and helpful, I've only contacted them this week and already filling the diary. I'm going to shadow the guy I talked to today for a day in April!

Next week will be great, being Holy Week. Sadly because I'm not living in London, I won't be going to the daily reflections, but I'll go to Maundy Thursday, and the Three Hours Good Friday which is always one of my favouites. I don't know when I'll get into London on Easter Saturday; I normally go to the St Paul's Cathedral service but that might be a pipe dream. I'll at least end up at church for Compline and the over night vigil; there'll be a dawn service (which is also one of my favourite), then Mum and Dad are bringing American guests to Easter Sunday, and some of us 'youth' going to the pub in the evening for the young people's monthly group, because sod organising a session at the end of all that. I'll sing at all the services, including the audience-participation-flashmob Hallelujah Chorus from Handel's Messiah, which is always fun! Including trumpet, obvs.

I'll stop rambling now. Future blogposts plan is I'll write something about my meeting with the military chaplain separately, and finally get round to answering the questions that came out of the CPAS conference day.

Video: first uni chaplain

Video: LifeCall - a CPAS day conference on Young Vocations

NOTES FROM THE DAY

• It is fundamental to call others to God.
• All disciples are called to serve God; secondary calling is what I'm called to in particular. And my calling is not 'ordained ministry', it's more specific than that
• college as an ordinand - formation and academia. Discern with fellow ordinands
• show potential for growth and development
• encourage others and nurture their gifts
• the ministry of an ordained priest is to focus, enable, equip and release others
• "Being at home in God"
• setting boundaries that are unnatural to an extrovert
• the complexity of the CofE is in its diverse experiences
• one foot in the world is important
• Sacrifices of the ordained - strained/unsure/complicated boundaries, not being able to switch off, loneliness, others' perception, not being able to put down roots
• the theological understanding 'ordination' is debated and contested. It's a moment of consecration, that can be viewed on a wide spectrum from sacramental to just authorisation for a function. It is at a base level an affirmation by the church
• there could be opportunity to do work experience in a chaplaincy
• military chaplaincy is a niche calling and so should be explored
• my deeper understanding of myself can summed in
• morality
• supporting passions
• understanding and providing tools to help others understand

TO DO

• ask others what my spiritual gifts are

Art at Christ the King, Kettering.
"Whoever claims to live in him must walk as Jesus did." 1 John 2:6

QUESTIONS FOR ME TO ANSWER (in another blog post)

• Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?
• What is my leadership style?
• What is my heart's desire?
• What are my motivations?
• How has God used me already?
• What is the way God calls me?
• OPPORTUNITY right step at right time, with a feeling to back it up
• What is the Gospel to me?
• How do I know when it is God talking?
• What is the church here for?

Emma from CPAS, me, and Jenny the Cranmer ordinand. Great gals!

Why I don't think I'm called to be a Lay Reader

Won't be in my wardrobe

The discernment process is not a series of tests and interviews for me to convince the church that I should be a priest, or at least it should not be seen as such. It is not just the hoops I have to go though to attain a dog collar as the end goal. No, the goal is the discernment what I am being called to. The doctrine is that everyone has a vocation, all Christians have a calling (see 1 Corinthians 12), so when someone like me gets the urge to consciously put the effort in the reorientate my life to follow God's will for me, it is key not to just assume that ordination and the priesthood is part of God's plan.

A question amongst the many in this process is "If not ordained ministry, then what?" and it's a question I am rather terrified at looking at. Obviously there's the angle that if I even dare contemplate living my discipleship in another way, it feels like I'm undermining my desire and pull towards the priesthood, like I have to be 100% otherwise I'm a fraud. This is nonsense, but it is my response, irrational as it is, nonetheless.

It's also scary because it throws the net so much wider, and I feel like I'm 15 again in PSHE class, looking at career options. The vastness is daunting, in a murky way, for I know not where to begin and certainly have limited understanding of what my other options actually are.

But there is a clear option top of the list when given alternatives to being priest. Lay Reader, or just Reader I think is the official term. Writing this post was inspired by reading the excellent discernment process blog The Pilgrim Explorer. I've been reading his story in order, and I've just reached 17th Feb 2014, weirdly exactly two years ago last week, when he met an Examining Chaplain who asked him "So why do you want to be an ordained priest and not a Lay Reader?"

Now defining a Lay Reader is tough. I just read through this short but thorough piece, but it is still hard (as the pilgrim explorer himself discusses) to work out a concrete difference between them and non-stipendiary priests. They have some training in theology, and preach/teach, and step in when a parish doesn't have an incumbent. There's a pastoral element to their ministry, and they are often the quiet face of the church, having authority but without the baggage that comes with a dog collar that can put some people off. They also have a job and a secular life. A good blog post by a Reader who contemplated ordained ministry can be found here.

Basically, I get the impression that a priest lives the theology of Sunday, and a reader is involved with the theology of Monday. I think I am the former.

I definitely want to be sacramental, be a direct conduit and facilitator for people's relationship with God. My focus when I think about helping people like that is towards the spiritual within people's lives, not spiritual within the wider world, if that makes sense. I think about serving God, and there's less of the every day - I'm built for the crisis stuff, the stress and emotion including big transitions like marriage and death, and I am drawn to live in the the world of story where people understand their lives, not necessarily in the day to day living of their lives.

ASMing, not what I'm built for

It's very similar to my feelings on being a deputy stage manager not an assistant stage manager. An ASM is on ground level within the cast, just like a Lay Reader operates within a congregation. In stage management, I prefer to work on the behalf of the cast with authority and distance, even though we do create a bond, and know and trust each other. I'm not the voice from on high, but I'm not one of them either.

That's linked to my aversion to the fact that they are most often based in a parish. Yes, there are Reader chaplains, and I'm interested in chaplaincy, but I relate to the clarity that a dog collar provides - being identified as a disciple of God as a defining part of who I am and my role resonates more than just doing the job as a lay person.

It's that focus, that full time lifestyle that suits me better than fitting my ministry around another job. And I also want to operate within the formal structure of the church.

I wonder if I'll remember all that if I get asked the same question in an interview...

Video: Third informal chat with the rector

First, some initial thoughts from the day itself.

I sat on the train home and managed to write down all the other bits of homework that I didn't mention in that video, and I wrote a few more notes to help me remember the meeting. Lucky I did both those things, as it's now over a week later that I've found the time to sit down to do this blog post!

Things feel like they ramp up after each meeting, unsurprisingly. For example, I talked in that video about getting to other church services - I think that's going to be a long term piece of homework, as I'm not sure when I'm going to have time over the next few weeks. It's important, but I'm cataloging it as a task to keep ongoing, rather than worry myself with doing a church crawl and getting to all the denominations within only a month. And that's only one of nine pieces of homework that came out of that meeting! I'm immediately getting a little anxious, as I was in the beginning, about being able to commit to this process whilst still working. This month is alright, but I start my next show in January, and the last thing I want to do is lose the momentum, as Lucy [my rector] likes to call it.

Imagine the man in the suit is a
woman in a dog collar

Anyway, what did we talk about? Well, I told her about this blog. I was a tad nervous, as I wasn't sure if the discernment process had some nondisclosure feature that I hadn't been aware of; but she liked the idea, especially as I explained how useful it is to have to write for an unknown public audience, which means having to think things through a bit slower and more carefully than just telling friends in person. I have to write for other people with a calling, friends and family who know me personally, atheists who don't know the terminology, people new to the blog - I even have to consider that people in the church who will be concerned with the decision to put me forward for training might read what I put here. That means being honest and whole-hearted in this endeavour, as well as clear and articulate, and of course careful of what I say about others!

We also glossed over my reaction to the Selection Criteria (see this post), things like my sexuality (bisexual) might not be the big deal I think it will, and the fact I feel confident that I can "do academic". Something that came up was the joy I feel when I'm at the front, when I'm serving or cantoring, and the value I gain from leading worship. She warned me not to let the value of worship become entirely external, from the use others make of me. A homework assignment was to reconnect with the services from the pews, not as a server, not a cantor, not even as a Lay Singer. The book I'm reading at the moment, The Christian Priest Today by Archbishop Michael Ramsey, makes the point that a priest is still first a lay person, just as vulnerable and seeking as the people they are leading, and even a bishop is still a priest and still a lay person. It's a good point to remember.

Part of the conversation was about the nature of the role of priest. For example, the priest is not a pyschotherapist. There is listening training, because there is an element within the pastoral remit, but a priest should never try and treat somebody - their support is focused on the spiritual needs of the soul. Don't ignore the rest of the person, but know that it is within that realm that you are the expert called to help.

And we explored a bit more what I wrote above, that priests are still people, and Lucy had another warning, that a priest cannot lose their sense of self and still survive. On the flip side, a priest sacrifices having the choice to just talk to the people they want to - I need to remember this as a member of the team that leads our discussion group for people in their 20s and 30s; we're a pretty new group, but now we're starting to get familiar faces turn up each month, and I have to inhabit my role as welcomer and facilitator, rather than just catching up with the people I'm getting to know and like.

A repeating theme of these discussions is that the most important thing: prayer. Lay people expect a priest to pray. I like the way Lucy put it: When you perform the Eucharist, you've got to be inviting people to the table of someone you know. Prayer is the human method of maintaining and deepening our relationship with God, which as a priest should be at the centre of your life. I'm getting there, very slowly. I'm saying some sort of structured prayer once a day, but we talked about the need to explore silent prayer, extempore prayer, just me and God on our own in private. She set me the task of reading books on how to pray, so I've got two lined up in my ever increasing to-read pile.

We briefly talked of my interest in chaplaincy. She did a panel with some other women priests, including an army chaplain, so she's said she'll see if we can get in touch and meet up, which is very exciting. At the same event, she spoke to some military personnel, and they spoke of their chaplain, or Padre as the military chaplains are generally known, who smoked and swore and rode around Camp Bastion on a quad bike! Obviously they also all the serious business of services etc as well. The main thing the personjnel reflected was that the Padre must care; and I thought "I can do that".

Two last things. There is a chance it could be a 'no', which I can't let myself forget; but I think I will do theology degree either way. And as I said in the video, no promises but she is thinking of referring me to the DDO (diocesan director of ordinands, in charge of vocations in the diocese) in January. Exciting!

A few books from Church House

After I made this video, I went back to my friend to give her her keys, and I popped into the Church House bookshop because it was nearby. I should not be allowed in bookshops, it's just as dangerous as browsing the Kindle store; my poor bank account suffers terribly. (Previous books I've been reading in response to my calling are listed at the bottom of this post*, and discussed in this post).

Having some hard copy books as well as ebooks is useful to me at the moment, as I'm taking

December off from working in stage management, which means I won't be regularly commuting, the time I usually use to read and therefore suited to a Kindle; reading at home I feel is more suited to a paper and ink copy. I'll try to remember to post every time I get a new book. It will be useful simply for me to keep track!

I bought 4 books at Church House. Two classics that are often on vocation reading lists, and two more specific books. The two classics are Being A Priest Today, and Called or Collared?. The latter has prompted me to draft a new post about my doubts of my calling, which should be up soon.

The first specific book is Military Chaplaincy in Contention, because I've got an interest in chaplaincy, but I'm more interested in military/prison work, rather than hospitals or universities (though an airport sounds quite interesting too, and of course theatre chaplaincy would suit me perfectly, as a professional stage manager). So I'm hoping to get an insight into what military chaplaincy is, because I am woefully ignorant at the moment.

The second is I Think It's God Calling. I liked the look of this because it's a personal account of discernment, going to theological college, and being ordained a deacon, and it started out as a blog. It was nice to read a modern and young experience, though there was more detail about life at theological college than the discernment process.



*Previous books I've read as part of exploring my vocation
The Little Book of Prayers
Religion for Atheists
Hearing the Call: Stories of Young Vocation
What Anglicans Believe
Jesus and Peter: Growing in Friendship with God

An interest in chaplaincy

Over the last couple of years, as my calling has come in stages to the forefront of my mind, the specifics of what that will mean in my life have gained sharper focus. It's all very well that I 'feel a calling to ordained ministry', but what does that look like?

My rector asked me this in our last meeting. Something like "If you could stop working, give up stage management and 'concentrate on this' [she was quoting me complaining about having to go through the discernment process and still keep working in a career I was planning on leaving] what would that be? What would you be doing?"

Initially, I wanted to respond, 'well that's why I'm here, sitting in your office, I don't know what to do with this nagging in the back of my head, help me woman, YOU tell ME!' But I quickly  realised the point of her question was that I do need to start working on the specifics, I need to actually think about this process as real life.

We can't all have a spinning arrow like Pocahontas

It's very easy to imagine a whole new life and pretend to set goals, but actually be creating a fantasy, writing the story you want rather than living the story you have. That way lies failure.

The discernment process is not some fairy tale spell to gain insight and magically get pointed in the right direction. I'm looking at a process that will be measured in months and years. So I need to get over the delusion that it's going to be handed to me on a plate and actually get my hands dirty.

What do I see when I think about myself as an ordained priest? The first thought is the most obvious - that of myself in a chasuble at the front of a church behind a lectern. Sure, the thought of preaching to a familiar congregation and performing the sacraments of baptism and Eucharist (Holy Communion) are nice, but with the aid of second thoughts, the responsibilities of a parish priest don't look like they suit me all that well.

Last year at Greenbelt, I was browsing the books tent and a small book called 'Being A Chaplain' popped out at me. I bought it, and read about chaplaincy in hospitals, universities, airports, football clubs, the military, and prisons, and the idea of chaplaincy really appeals.

I'm good at focus, rather than the big picture thinking of a whole parish; I'm good at creating both fleeting relationships with strangers and supportive relationships long term; I've been told I'm a good listener, I enjoying listening to people; one of the reasons I want to be a priest is to help people - I love in stage management being a resource that crew and cast can come to for anything, and being good at providing or facilitating what they need - a stage manager's agenda is not their own; it really feeds into what I was saying about stories in this post; and as a liberal inclusivist, it would be a joy to minister to people of all faiths and none.

I can't imagine lay chaplaincy. What do I see what I think about myself as a chaplain? A dog collar. I think chaplaincy will be part of my life in ordained ministry, but not the entirety,