Video: Open Days at Theological Training Institutes

Video: This is what discerning feels like/DDO 5

This won't make sense unless you watch the video, which is clips from 5th December and 15th December so make sure you watch it first:

This post was written throughout the following weeks since the video over Christmas.

I will paraphrase the report, as it is a personal document between me, my DDO, and the psychotherapist who wrote it, so I'll try not to break confidence and quote it directly. The part that caused concern was it was felt that my emotional maturity still needed some development; that I didn't let or allow painful experiences affect me ie. I put truly difficult feelings at a distance. This led to doubts that I should go forward for selection at this time. It wasn't a 'no', just a 'not yet'.

Firstly, I'll step back and address why this was flagged; why, if it's true, this is a problem for a potential priest. Lucy was helpful in explaining this context. It has become an important part of the discernment process that as well as assessing whether someone has the call, would be good at the job, and would an asset to the Church and its congregations, etc, there's also an emphasis on assessing whether they will be able to handle the job, and can look after their own health and mental health.

Priests are under so much pressure and encounter so much of the drama of life, so much of other people's suffering, that without the proper tools - eg understanding how they work best, having a support network that is reliable, making good use of that network, having stable strategies to deal with their own emotions in emotional situations - they will probably eventually implode or explode, or 'burn out' as is the common phrase.

This is referencing Criterion D: Personality and Character, which says "Candidates should be sufficiently self-aware, mature and stable to show that they are able to sustain the demanding role of an ordained minister. They should be able to demonstrate how they have faced change and pressure in a balanced and flexible way and how they manage stress." To evidence this to the selectors, candidates "should be able to speak of how they have coped with difficult life experiences, how they have reflected upon them and incorporated them within their life and understanding."

Drawing further from the criteria, I don't think the therapist thought I am completely reconciled to my own vulnerabilities and limitations, and she had worries about my capacity to assimilate and deal appropriately with my own response to negative or difficult life experiences. If I were to be a priest like this, the chances are that it would break me.

Talking with Lucy was tough. I felt like she really jumped on this as a grade A excuse to stop me going forward, making suggestions of what I could do instead in September, like spending a year at a L'Arche community. I was glad I went to her, because she emphasised the importance of not thinking about the timing, not letting the practicalities cloud my thinking about the important stuff, which was in fact discerning something personal. But it was disheartening that she seemed quite so keen to stop me; she did say she would support me if I decided to continue, but with a look that suggested she was already trying to work out how to comfort me when I get rejected. But this could just be bias based on residual resentment from the first part of our exploration, when I was wrongly frustrated at her.

I have since talked to my parents, who have the advantage of coming at this report with a fairly comprehensive understanding of my emotional/psychological history, and I was unsurprised that it was this conversation that has been most helpful. I can now see the grain of truth that the psychotherapist was trying to point out. She didn't get it right, of course not, she met me for only 90minutes, so she over-estimated what she saw. But she did identify something that could be a problem if I went ahead unaware of it.

I do compartmentalise when it comes to crisis or problem-solving or being helpless. And there have been times that I have parked my emotional response to a situation over to one side and not dealt with it as well as I could have. But it's not something I do every time. Most of the time I do deal with it, but up til now it's not been a conscious process - I've been lucky that without realising I needed something, like to do something about the situation, or talk to my boyfriend, or go out with friends, or take a day to myself, or whatever the strategy was, I did it without thinking. So the times I didn't handle it well were the times that I wasn't lucky, that I didn't accidentally sort myself out. Now I'm aware of my lack of strategy, over the next few years I can put conscious thought into what I need and eventually those moments of failing to deal properly will be very rare and not based on accidental luck.

Pausing the discernment process now isn't going to help. Yes, there are things I could do to show I have started addressing the issue raised, and talking to my landlord who is studying to be a priest himself, I understand I can't just give empty reassurance that I will mature in my relationship with my emotions - they need hard evidence, so I will have to do one or two of those things, like work experience with a prison chaplain or volunteering for the Samaritans. Lucy was keen that I get more experience of being in situations where someone is suffering and I cannot fix it, which mean I can't respond with action, and those seem more plausible options than her main suggestion.

Sure I can see her concern that if I was plopped into a job as priest right now, I might not cope so well. That's what the psychotherapist thought as well. But I'm not going forward to be a priest now. I'm going forward to selection for training. Three years of academic study and formation at college, then three to four years of experience and formation in curacy - this will bring me to being a minimum of 31yo before I am officially able to work as an unsupervised priest, and 31yo me will look a lot different to 24yo me. She'll have learnt about herself and gone through years of life, and life generally matures you even if you resist. And now I'm forewarned of one of the issues to put some effort into developing, I'm doing the opposite of resisting!

This report hasn't been given to me to stop me. Like I said in the video, I would know something like that in my gut, in my bones. It's not got the feeling of a change in direction. No, this was handed to me as an opportunity to start digging into myself below the surface, and listen to the people around me. I had a similar experience in the first year at Guildhall, so God has precedent doing this in my life. That time I needed to become more aware of myself and some of my faults to get into the right frame of mind to train as a stage manager; this time I need to do the same and go deeper, building on everything my 8 years in backstage theatre has given me, to begin the second stage of my vocation, and become the priest I'm meant to be.

As Lucy and I discussed, this is what discerning feels like. This is the inward looking journey that I need to go on, because it's not just the Church that needs to get to know me - I need to learn more about myself as well. This has been hard. As you can see, I got this news weeks ago and it's only now that I'm getting a handle on what it means for me. I didn't want to acknowledge that I had issues to resolve - you can see in the video how determined I was in my initial reaction to circumvent the long hard look at myself to which Lucy pushed me. But this is what is needed. Even if I become the Archbishop of Canterbury - first among equals, primate, archbishop, bishop, priest - I am always laity first, a frail human being that is a single part of the body of Christ. If I don't know who I am as a person, I won't come to know myself as a priest.

I want to see Lucy one more time before I go back to the DDO and tell him I want to continue. Hers is always a useful insight and I want to further our conversation with the developments in my own thinking since our last meeting. I've also received a 'write something every day for 365 days' notebook for Christmas, and I've challenged myself to express my emotions in this notebook - not what I think, but how I feel, and it's already proving that I'm not very clear on my own emotions, so hopefully it'll be another useful tool in self-awareness.

Post Script
As for the priest's report, to be honest it was just really nice. He said I seemed to have two sides, a more precise side and a wilder side, and he said that as a compliment, he found me to be engaging; and it's also had quite an impact on me by pointing out that I do in fact have quite a dedicated prayer life, I've just been too perfectionist about it. This was useful to have pointed out, and I'm less anxious now about feeling inadequate vis a vis prayer. Those are the things that have stuck with me, so I'm not going to get it out and analyse further.

Happy New Year! (Next time you see me, I'll be filming on my new camera, wahoo!)

Video: first intern meeting

Going Further: why are you here and why now?

See this post for an intro to this series.

During their meeting with enquirers, DDOs and Vocations Advisers will want to listen carefully to the vocational stories of the enquirers and to tease out from the enquirers their response to two key questions: ‘why are you here?’ and ‘why now?’  

Why are you here?
My life has been leading towards an inexorable future, and I fully embrace it. I am meant to be a priest, and I want to be a priest. Church is where I belong, and I want to continue the tradition, and also improve it, and provide humanity with the tools for living their lives as God's children; give them liturgy, show them wisdom, encourage dialogue and thinking about divine, philosophical, and ethical matters. I'm not wired to be able to prioritise my relationship with God without having it tangibly at the centre of my life ie. as my job, and my very identity, but it has become my priority to serve God in the best way that I can do, so I must arrange my life accordingly.

I feel such a desire to be a priest, but my calling is more than that. There is a resonance, a rightness to it, like my soul has finally been plugged into the universe and powered up. I think I would be good at it, with the right training, practice, and focus. I've always thought I would become a priest, and when the time came to put my feet on the path, I was overjoyed, terrified, unsure of the exact path ahead of me but sure that ordination was on it somewhere along the line. I think it would suit me, and be the best way for me live to the fullest - "The glory of God is a human being fully alive" (Iranaeus).

I want to nourish people's souls, even if they don't realise it. This is my part of the Church's mission to a tangible expression of God's love to the world, and becoming a priest is the best way for me to do that - it's the only way I'll fully realise it. A constant theme in my life has been stories, and I am called to use stories, listen to stories, be in stories, tell stories, spread stories, explain stories, absorb stories, nudge stories. It is by changing the stories in and the story of the world that we end suffering and bring about the next chapter - the kingdom of God.

Being a priest is the best way for me to do that in the most important context, in people's spiritual lives, their most intimate and personal relationships - with God, others, and the world. A priest has that place in people's lives. People expect you to hear their stories, you're allowed to tell stories, it's not surprising for a priest to get stuck in and change the story; your life is dedicated to the greatest story ever told, you represent that story, people look to you to get to heart of stories, and share the stories that matter. The epitome of that is reenacting the story of the Last Supper in the Eucharist, and meeting Christ at the very human setting of a shared meal. It would be amazing to have authority and duty to introduce people to Christ. It is one of my greatest joys to learn, discuss, teach, and expand my and others' horizons.

It's also important to me to express my identity, and the most important part of who I am is being a disciple of Christ. We are called to evanglise, and I think I am best suited to convey that by my unapologetic identity in devotion to following Jesus. I want to communicate the mission of spreading the good news in people's lives by trusting God to work through me, and being a priest gives me the context to do that. My gift is focus, so it makes sense that my job, and beyond that, my full-time identity, is a religious context, to put my focus to God's work. I want to have the licence to be truly enthusiastic about God and Christ, to really let my geek flag fly. I love God, and if my life can be spent in God's company, doing God's work, spreading God's love, being used by God, every day all day, in my favourite place or with lots of different people, challenged, tested, and maybe in the end doing something that has meaning - that sounds like true happiness.

Why now?
God has always been in my life. When I was a child, it was just obvious, a definite truth I didn't think about. My parents didn't tell me God existed or didn't. But when I read my children's illustrated Bible, I loved it. When I went to a CofE primary school, I learnt the Lord's prayer, said grace, went to church for harvest and Christingles; and it was great, and I wasn't really thinking about God but the worship was positive, and I wanted to keep going to Christingles after I left that school.

I realised as a teenager that I needed to start thinking about things a bit more clearly because we were studying different religions. I came to understand that I had a relationship with God through Christianity as a default setting rather than conscious belief, and that wouldn't do. At that point I actually acknowledged my faith in Christ specifically, rather than as just the version of a story of God that I went along with. I learnt about the variety of beliefs and worship styles and built a picture in my head of what sort of Christian I was, and out of the blue decided to wear a cross to publicly express that. 

God has been working my life in this step by step way the entire time, starting as the distant Father. When I started at SJP, I really started to get to know God in Christ, in fellowship and discipleship. Now I think I'm getting to know God the Spirit, a much longer, deeper process that is wakening my spirit within me. 2015 was a tough year in my spiritual life because I was building my stage management career and kept missing things at church, kept failing to develop a prayer life, and the worst point was not going to Holy Week, and feeling no sense of jubilation Easter morning.

It was at the point at which I tried to buckle down in my SM career that the heavens moved. I was not meant to establish a secular career. One day in September, I got a spiritual kick up the backside, the doors opened, and boom, NOW IS THE TIME.

I had always known this would happen. I recognised my sense of calling at 16, very clearly understanding and instantly accepting that I would end up a priest, eventually, one day. But God's schedule was not the one I had anticipated. The call, the kick, the moment that now, NOW I was to seek out my second and ultimate vocation, came much earlier than I thought. But in the grand scheme, it makes perfect sense that I drop everything and begin the next part of my journey.

My spirituality is blossoming. I've gained 8 years of personal development from my first vocation as a stage manager. I've received 5 years of parish experience and religious development. Continuing in theatre would have pushed my faith to the sidelines. And now the perfect opportunity to begin in ministry itself as plopped into my lap, to be the PA at SMITF. The reason I'm here now is because God has called me now, and God has called my now because it is the right time in my life.

Video: Spiritual retreat on Holy Island

I spent five days on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, off the north east coast of England, on retreat. I've never been on retreat before, and I decided to just take myself off to somewhere quiet and remote, pray, walk, and not set myself any goals or schedule. I could have done all sorts of guided retreats, silent retreats, or gone to retreat houses where you can get spiritual direction, but for my first time, I wanted to just give my self space to be with God, and also just have a break.

I wrote a journal, so as to keep track of my activities and musings. I've typed it out here if you want to read it, and I've also summarised my spiritual thoughts and revelations at the bottom of this post with a video of a few snippets of the experience. But you will miss the chronicle of an epic sheep drama!


Tuesday 26th April
3.20pm
Trains were all fine and the taxi driver was lovely. I've booked him to pick me up on Saturday.
Got shown round. My room is small and, like the rest of the house, plain. I am regretting not bringing my slippers. But it shouldn't be too cold. [Famous last words]
I've unpacked and just given myself an hour or so to relax and settle, just playing Tetris, listening to a podcast. I'm going to make a cup of tea.
3.55pm
Sitting in the social lounge (as opposed to the silent one) with my cup of tea, I've been getting to know an elderly couple also staying in the house and helping with the crossword whilst writing out Isaiah 61:1-3 in one of my notebooks.

4.25pm
Just finished reading over my hand written faith story and put a final sentence to end it.
5.15pm
Feeling tired, been reading. Bit like a detox period at the moment, I think.
5.50pm
Just finished evening prayer. It will be good to do it several times to get over the novelty and relax into the actual prayer.
Aiden, the founder of the monastery and school on the island, was a 'gentle Bishop', so hopefully something about his example might bring out the gentleness in my soul, if I let it, and God willing.
7.30pm
Lovely dinner of chicken leg, beautifully tender with tasty, crispy skin; perfect baked potato, soft fluffy and flavourful, almost crackling, salty skin; salad, and coleslaw.
Great conversation - there's 7 of us. Susan (50s?), Avril and Colin (70s), Betty and John (60s?), and Anne (70s) [though at this point of writing, I was still learning names!]
These old, northeast bunch of people, they're a bit of laugh. We're in the lounge, just chatting.
10pm
Just finished talking for over an hour with Colin about how to deal with differences of opinion within faith and the problems of religion, scriptural interpretation, the concept of dogma, all sorts! He prayed for me just before going to bed, and he was really positive about petitioning God that if it be God's will, that God make my path open to the priesthood. So I can't have said anything or had any attitude or manner that made him think I wouldn't be good. It was such a fun conversation.

Wednesday 27th April

7.50am
Well, it's not fun doing morning prayer whilst being able to see my breath whilst inside the church!
It's nice to be able to do it first thing. Though doing it with others, the sensory experience is of droning, not exactly uplifting. Not too bad for evening prayer, but I would hope for morning prayer to be a little more energising, even when solemn.
8.35am
I could barely concentrate on the Eucharist, I was so cold! After breakfast, I have to fill the morning. First day of challenge.
10.10am
Bit of porridge and coffee for breakfast. Bit of chat with the others, then they headed off to the house's morning prayers, at a more civilised time two hours after the parish church's. I headed out. the weather is pretty lovely, so I'm glad I'm out and about.
The key I think is being in the moment. Being just here, on this rock, watching those sheep, and the sea. This is not getting away from my life, this is still my life, God given, blessed, and God is only closer here because of the way I am here. If I could be peaceful, and quiet anywhere, God would be just as close.
11.55am
In some ways it's easier to relax somewhere unfamiliar. If you have no ties, you have no responsibility.
The island has a different feel when the tourists come. I've spent the morning doing all the visitor things - up to the castle (though not in it, not for almost ten quid!), around all the town's shops; got some fudge and indulged in a beautiful silver pendant, St Cuthbert's cross, with a garnet at the centre;

the mead/winery, had a taster, I suppose mead is quite nice, but I wouldn't have a bottle in the house; keep wanting to get a standing cross, but it would only add to the clutter on my desk, or my knick-knack shelf.
I'm currently sitting waiting for the hermit's island to clear of people. I'm not going to pay to go in the priory or museum. I did that last time I was here [whilst on holiday in Northumberland with friends, the summer after A-levels], and I got some great views of the ruins from the lookout tower, first thing after breakfast.
12.50pm
The key to enjoying the outdoors here, in April (apart from getting lucky with the weather, like I have this morning) is finding the sheltered corners. The minute the wind isn't in your face - loud, cold, messing your hair - it's idyllic.
I'm just waiting for lunch. I spent the last 45 minutes sitting on the far side of the hermit island, in the sun, out of the wind, without a single person or dwelling in view.
My thoughts wandered all over the place, and then I did indulge in reading Facebook. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't worrying, and that was pretty blissful!
No divine inspirations yet, though.
3.45pm
Lunch was tomato soup, bread roll, cheese, biscuits, chutney and fruit. It might seem odd that I'm cataloging the food, but I'm trying to take life as a whole experience, rather than seeing certain bits are 'counting' more than others.
After dumping my morning's purchases in my room, I headed straight out. I went down to the castle, and headed round the island's coast. I'm writing this on a break, just before the last leg back into the village, having circumnavigated the whole island!
It was so wonderful, and I've been blessed that shockingly it's been blue skies and sunshine.
I sang most of the way round. I was totally alone, with an occasional sheep, so I blared out a mixture of church and Disney music.
Of course, I wasn't totally alone. God was there. I couldn't see a person, nor even any sign of humanity, just sea, sky, dunes or fields or grassland. But I wasn't alone.
I can't believe I'm sitting here worried about sun burn. I set off in teeshirt, cardigan, big hoody, zip up hoody, and winter coat. Now I'm down to shirt and cardy.
It was a good thing I brought my hiking boots. Well done me.

5.15pm
I suppose I feel a bit like I'm finally starting to set roots down. These last two decades have seen seed planted, shoots appear, small leaves come up, and shoot grow slightly into sapling. This period I'm going to say is the lengthening of roots, becoming more secure a base and reaching for resources.
5.55pm
Lord, let me be worthy to take up the mantle of shepherding your people, your church, your bride, your beloved; worthy to follow in the footsteps of so many before me who have given their lives to you and your gospel.
7.50pm
I am pooped! Barely 8pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Dinner was lovely again. Boiled ham (amazeballs), mash, carrots and parsnips, but I didn't partake of the curly kale; followed by ginger cake with lemon sauce and sorbet.
Sitting in the living room, wondering when is polite to retire. I have less patience with the old folks natter without any energy.

Thursday 25th April
9.30am
Shower, morning prayer, Eucharist (again, too cold to concentrate), porridge and coffee, and then a bit of a rest. Yesterday was energetic, today will be calm. But it does mean I'm a little stumped on how to get going. Hopefully the day will be of prayer, contemplation, reading, and insight.
10.55am
There's basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God.
3.45pm
Started reading a novel I brought - looked in the front and realised that I bought it in Alnwick, just nearby, last time I was in Northumberland! It's funny how my friend recommended I buy it from the gigantic second-hand bookstore, and I've had it six years but not had the impulse to read it. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's not that profound.
Lunch was cream of potato soup, lovely, with same sides and cheese as yesterday.
Afterwards, I popped into one of the gift shops I didn't go to yesterday, and it was good thing too. Last night I'd been getting fed up of the tiny mugs here, you know the ones, white standard that you get cheap in bulk. Serviceable but can't get a proper cuppa.
I had in mind to get a mug today, and the shop had a great selection! I got one with designs from the Lindisfarne Gospels.
I really want the pastoral assistant job I've applied for. I'm going to be bereft if I don't get it. It'll be a consolation if I get one of the other ones, but I really want the original one, the one that sparked.
It's raining at the moment - it was blessed luck that I had such fantastic weather yesterday, though I got a great picture of the castle and priory after morning prayer.

7.10pm
This afternoon, reading the Celtic midday prayer, the sentence "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us" stood out.
Then at evening prayer, the word 'beauty' came up again, in a prayer given by the leader and I suddenly welled up with emotion as an image rose to mind - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches and leaves, thick lead lines, and red shining leaves - and I felt sure and reassured that my tree, the tree whose roots I sensed yesterday, will be beautiful.
Dinner was goats cheese and cheddar tart, with a few tomatoes, accompanied by potato wedges, beetroot, and salad with homemade mayo; followed by fresh fruit salad and cream.
10.16pm
Went to the pub tonight. Had a drink with John, and the chef after he clocked off. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to talk a little Geordie?!
Tomorrow's looking to be another indoors day. I'm hoping I'll be a little less scared to pray, and also a little more connected to the communal morning and evening prayer.

Friday 29th April

7.15am
Last day, I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow. Looks rainy.
10.35am
I had hoped to have a hot breakfast at the nearby cafe, but they hadn't opened by 9.30, I gave up and had a large coffee instead. I've been reading most of the morning.
I stopped to pray, and decided to use one of the exercises I had put together for my Circus Spirit talk on Sunday. I brought them with me, and thank God I did!
I chose the one that just sets out a formula for writing a prayer, and got out my, well I suppose you would call it a prayer diary, of sorts.
It's an old notebook that I used at one time to write my intercessions 3 or 4 years ago, when I first attempted the Daily Offices.
As I started to write, it was a bit of an epiphany moment. The part of prayer that scares me most is thinking my own words to God, but writing them is actually fun! It seems so obvious; I'm always writing, I blog for pity's sake, it's been a natural pastime since I learned my letters as a child.
I think it's going to really help if reincorporate my prayer diary into a routine of prayer.
4.55pm
I've spent most of the day either reading the novel, listening to podcasts, or the radio. Lunch was chicken and veg soup with the usual trimmings. I found out that I had got my wires crossed about where to get a hot breakfast, so I'll try again tomorrow.
This afternoon I also went through my copy of Daily Prayer, going through the notes and writing a summary how-to guide in the cover. I own it so I have no qualms about writing in it, in pencil mind. I also had the great pleasure of spending two hours listening to one of my favourite radio shows live, for the first time in years, because normally I listen to the podcast.
Just been in the sitting room with Betty, John, Anne and Susan (Colin and Avril left yesterday). A banana bread has appeared in the kitchen, as baked goods are wont to do here, every other day or so.
We sat talking about writing novels, cats, Supervet, The Durrells, Home Fires, and then Betty's heartbreaking childhood. Makes me so grateful that I have been blessed and extremely lucky to have a great childhood and wonderful parents.

8.00pm
Dinner was a slight disappointment. I'm not keen on fish or seafood, and it was salmon. I pleaded off having any, and piled my plate with new potatoes, carrots and broccoli, and had the white sauce with parsley. It was alright. Slightly redeemed by two portions of apple crumble and custard!
8.45pm
Just arrived at the pub. Really great folk duo, singers on fiddle and guitar. Beautiful harmonies, she's got a lovely voice, his blends well. I got in as it started to hail.
9.30pm
The third dog just left, leaving two still here. Dogs make a proper pub!
9.35pm
This is a moment of happiness. Cider, book, fire, great music, hubbub of not too many people. Not a care. Maybe a taste of heaven. Got a feel of the eternal, maybe. Music touching my soul, content and on fire.
10.20pm
Nice conversation with a Scottish couple down from Aberdeen, on a whim, for the night, sitting on my table. Actually, I sat at their table.
Do you ever feel that musical talent is inherently attractive?
10.55pm
In bed, about to say (whisper) Compline.
The sky cleared whilst I was whiling away in the pub, so that as I walked back in the crisp, clean air of an island at night (cider jacket keeping me cosy), having said thank you to the Edinburgh duo (I stayed for an extra tune when he cracked out the wooden flute, which was even better when he sang in Gaelic), I gazed up at the perfect sea of stars in the deep blue-black. Bonus of the night was reading the phrase "Jesus cockadoodle Christ!"
O, tonight was indeed rather fabulous.

Saturday 30th April
10.15am
And so it is my last morning. What a glorious morning! Woke up to beautiful sunshine, and now I'm enjoying the great outdoors on this quietly gorgeous island before heading back south.
I'm watching an unfolding drama. A very loud female sheep leading her lamb who stops very often, making mum bleat all the louder. But I'm on the lamb's side - where is she going? She's left the flock behind at this point, totally out on her own.
I'm surrounded by midges, and I'm probably going to catch the sun, again.
10.30am
Can't believe I forgot to mention I got my full English, finally! It was pretty standard, nice enough.
Group of what sound like Germans walking below me, singing.
10.45am
I have solved the sheep drama! Down behind a wall I couldn't see around before, there was another sheep and two lambs. By the reactions when finally the bellow-er and reluctant lamb reached them, one of the new lambs is the twin of the reluctant one.
OMGoodness more drama. They've all moved to the marshy bit and the friend sheep started bleating, and was replied by a fourth lamb on the other side of the water. They've all just raced round to be united; how on earth they all got scattered, heaven knows.
Heading back now, just passed the musicians from last night - he was sporting a marvelous poncho and what I can only describe as a rather suitable minstrel's hat!

11.30am
Parked up in a caf round the corner from the station. Kind of shot myself in the foot with caution. The scheduled time for the causeway to be passable [to get off the island - it's cut off from the mainland at high tide] was 11.15. It's a half hour drive to the station, but I put in some contingency time, and booked a 14.12 train, I suppose thinking I'd grab some lunch.
But because I had a large cooked breakfast at half nine, that does not appeal. So I'm going to nurse a cup of tea here long as I can, then I'll take up residence in the station waiting room.
2.45pm
Thinking of strategies for a new prayer regimen. Last plan was three reminders on my phone at 8.30am every morning - pray, reading, reflection. This meant do one session of some sort of prayer, read the Bible reading for the 'read a Bible in a year' (which I am actually keeping on top of!) and read the reflection on the CofE app.
But there was no schedule, and there couldn't be with my work being so different every day. New plan is be less strict so I don't get as guilty if I don't manage it, and mix up morning/midday/evening/night prayer between CofE and Celtic prayer, and each time I pray I read bible or reflection.
That should work, and can be adapted with different work situations. Have considered putting alarms on my phone, but don't think that'll be good.
4.30pm
Finished the novel.
6.25pm
Just an hour away from home now, so I'll try and wrap up. In some ways, I feel the same way about being on Lindisfarne as I do about being at church. I like the person I am on Lindisfarne, same as I like the person I am at church. It gives me hope that such spiritually motivated settings bring out what I feel is one best in me; maybe that's indicative that that's where I belong in my life.
I've come to terms with a few concerns I had, that were preoccupying me. Staring at the sparkling sea puts you in a useful frame of mind when contemplating tough things in life. Or maybe I was just more open to God's guiding and healing grace.
And I've already talked of my motivation for a routine of prayer. Maybe this is the spark I've been waiting for, the launchpad of the next step in my development.
God knows.

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• Gentleness - if I could be peaceful and quiet elsewhere, God would be as close
• Never alone for God is there
• This period of life is deepening my roots for a secure base
• There is basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God
• Beauty vision - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches, thick lead lines, and red leaves - reassured that my tree will be beautiful
• Use my prayer diary to write prayers
• New strategy for prayer
• reassuring that I find spiritually and/or religiously motivated places bring out the best in me - does that indicate it's where I belong?

Vocations Sunday

My vocation has been a varied and wonderful thing. It started as a vocation to stage management, which led to taking a vocational degree, but that vocation was part of a larger one, the sense of which I've had slowly but steadily growing since the first time I read the stories in my children's illustrated Bibles.

It led me to explore religion in my studies, it gave me the inspiration to start wearing a cross on a chain; my vocation pointed me in the direction of reading the Bible, it pushed me in the direction of Church, then plonked me without much subtlety in a particular church; my vocation pointed me at confirmation, it found voice in choral music; then my vocation kicked me back in the head and I thought "I should do this now."

As you know if you follow this blog, 'this' was start the process of discerning what my long-term vocation is. My stage management has provided opportunity and tools for personal growth, slowly forming the clay into a basic person shape, and now I am turning to the Church to refine and detail what that shape will look like, to be put into the world and formed into the person God is calling me to be.

I feel I am called to facilitate and inspire God's people to worship and to love. The path ahead of me is concealed, all I am doing is following the directions I am pointed in, but my understanding has been and continues to be that somewhere along the journey, I will be ordained. Why do I want to be a priest? It seems inescapable, inevitable, and wholly desirable.

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