Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Showing posts with label books. Show all posts
Friday, 20 October 2017
Wednesday, 11 May 2016
Video: Spiritual retreat on Holy Island
I spent five days on the Holy Island of Lindisfarne, off the north east coast of England, on retreat. I've never been on retreat before, and I decided to just take myself off to somewhere quiet and remote, pray, walk, and not set myself any goals or schedule. I could have done all sorts of guided retreats, silent retreats, or gone to retreat houses where you can get spiritual direction, but for my first time, I wanted to just give my self space to be with God, and also just have a break.
I wrote a journal, so as to keep track of my activities and musings. I've typed it out here if you want to read it, and I've also summarised my spiritual thoughts and revelations at the bottom of this post with a video of a few snippets of the experience. But you will miss the chronicle of an epic sheep drama!
Tuesday 26th April
3.20pm
Trains were all fine and the taxi driver was lovely. I've booked him to pick me up on Saturday.
Got shown round. My room is small and, like the rest of the house, plain. I am regretting not bringing my slippers. But it shouldn't be too cold. [Famous last words]
I've unpacked and just given myself an hour or so to relax and settle, just playing Tetris, listening to a podcast. I'm going to make a cup of tea.
3.55pm
Sitting in the social lounge (as opposed to the silent one) with my cup of tea, I've been getting to know an elderly couple also staying in the house and helping with the crossword whilst writing out Isaiah 61:1-3 in one of my notebooks.
4.25pm
Just finished reading over my hand written faith story and put a final sentence to end it.
5.15pm
Feeling tired, been reading. Bit like a detox period at the moment, I think.
5.50pm
Just finished evening prayer. It will be good to do it several times to get over the novelty and relax into the actual prayer.
Aiden, the founder of the monastery and school on the island, was a 'gentle Bishop', so hopefully something about his example might bring out the gentleness in my soul, if I let it, and God willing.
7.30pm
Lovely dinner of chicken leg, beautifully tender with tasty, crispy skin; perfect baked potato, soft fluffy and flavourful, almost crackling, salty skin; salad, and coleslaw.
Great conversation - there's 7 of us. Susan (50s?), Avril and Colin (70s), Betty and John (60s?), and Anne (70s) [though at this point of writing, I was still learning names!]
These old, northeast bunch of people, they're a bit of laugh. We're in the lounge, just chatting.
10pm
Just finished talking for over an hour with Colin about how to deal with differences of opinion within faith and the problems of religion, scriptural interpretation, the concept of dogma, all sorts! He prayed for me just before going to bed, and he was really positive about petitioning God that if it be God's will, that God make my path open to the priesthood. So I can't have said anything or had any attitude or manner that made him think I wouldn't be good. It was such a fun conversation.
Wednesday 27th April
7.50am
Well, it's not fun doing morning prayer whilst being able to see my breath whilst inside the church!
It's nice to be able to do it first thing. Though doing it with others, the sensory experience is of droning, not exactly uplifting. Not too bad for evening prayer, but I would hope for morning prayer to be a little more energising, even when solemn.
8.35am
I could barely concentrate on the Eucharist, I was so cold! After breakfast, I have to fill the morning. First day of challenge.
10.10am
Bit of porridge and coffee for breakfast. Bit of chat with the others, then they headed off to the house's morning prayers, at a more civilised time two hours after the parish church's. I headed out. the weather is pretty lovely, so I'm glad I'm out and about.
The key I think is being in the moment. Being just here, on this rock, watching those sheep, and the sea. This is not getting away from my life, this is still my life, God given, blessed, and God is only closer here because of the way I am here. If I could be peaceful, and quiet anywhere, God would be just as close.
11.55am
In some ways it's easier to relax somewhere unfamiliar. If you have no ties, you have no responsibility.
The island has a different feel when the tourists come. I've spent the morning doing all the visitor things - up to the castle (though not in it, not for almost ten quid!), around all the town's shops; got some fudge and indulged in a beautiful silver pendant, St Cuthbert's cross, with a garnet at the centre;
the mead/winery, had a taster, I suppose mead is quite nice, but I wouldn't have a bottle in the house; keep wanting to get a standing cross, but it would only add to the clutter on my desk, or my knick-knack shelf.
I'm currently sitting waiting for the hermit's island to clear of people. I'm not going to pay to go in the priory or museum. I did that last time I was here [whilst on holiday in Northumberland with friends, the summer after A-levels], and I got some great views of the ruins from the lookout tower, first thing after breakfast.
12.50pm
The key to enjoying the outdoors here, in April (apart from getting lucky with the weather, like I have this morning) is finding the sheltered corners. The minute the wind isn't in your face - loud, cold, messing your hair - it's idyllic.
I'm just waiting for lunch. I spent the last 45 minutes sitting on the far side of the hermit island, in the sun, out of the wind, without a single person or dwelling in view.
My thoughts wandered all over the place, and then I did indulge in reading Facebook. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't worrying, and that was pretty blissful!
No divine inspirations yet, though.
3.45pm
Lunch was tomato soup, bread roll, cheese, biscuits, chutney and fruit. It might seem odd that I'm cataloging the food, but I'm trying to take life as a whole experience, rather than seeing certain bits are 'counting' more than others.
After dumping my morning's purchases in my room, I headed straight out. I went down to the castle, and headed round the island's coast. I'm writing this on a break, just before the last leg back into the village, having circumnavigated the whole island!
It was so wonderful, and I've been blessed that shockingly it's been blue skies and sunshine.
I sang most of the way round. I was totally alone, with an occasional sheep, so I blared out a mixture of church and Disney music.
Of course, I wasn't totally alone. God was there. I couldn't see a person, nor even any sign of humanity, just sea, sky, dunes or fields or grassland. But I wasn't alone.
I can't believe I'm sitting here worried about sun burn. I set off in teeshirt, cardigan, big hoody, zip up hoody, and winter coat. Now I'm down to shirt and cardy.
It was a good thing I brought my hiking boots. Well done me.
5.15pm
I suppose I feel a bit like I'm finally starting to set roots down. These last two decades have seen seed planted, shoots appear, small leaves come up, and shoot grow slightly into sapling. This period I'm going to say is the lengthening of roots, becoming more secure a base and reaching for resources.
5.55pm
Lord, let me be worthy to take up the mantle of shepherding your people, your church, your bride, your beloved; worthy to follow in the footsteps of so many before me who have given their lives to you and your gospel.
7.50pm
I am pooped! Barely 8pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Dinner was lovely again. Boiled ham (amazeballs), mash, carrots and parsnips, but I didn't partake of the curly kale; followed by ginger cake with lemon sauce and sorbet.
Sitting in the living room, wondering when is polite to retire. I have less patience with the old folks natter without any energy.
Thursday 25th April
9.30am
Shower, morning prayer, Eucharist (again, too cold to concentrate), porridge and coffee, and then a bit of a rest. Yesterday was energetic, today will be calm. But it does mean I'm a little stumped on how to get going. Hopefully the day will be of prayer, contemplation, reading, and insight.
10.55am
There's basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God.
3.45pm
Started reading a novel I brought - looked in the front and realised that I bought it in Alnwick, just nearby, last time I was in Northumberland! It's funny how my friend recommended I buy it from the gigantic second-hand bookstore, and I've had it six years but not had the impulse to read it. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's not that profound.
Lunch was cream of potato soup, lovely, with same sides and cheese as yesterday.
Afterwards, I popped into one of the gift shops I didn't go to yesterday, and it was good thing too. Last night I'd been getting fed up of the tiny mugs here, you know the ones, white standard that you get cheap in bulk. Serviceable but can't get a proper cuppa.
I had in mind to get a mug today, and the shop had a great selection! I got one with designs from the Lindisfarne Gospels.
I really want the pastoral assistant job I've applied for. I'm going to be bereft if I don't get it. It'll be a consolation if I get one of the other ones, but I really want the original one, the one that sparked.
It's raining at the moment - it was blessed luck that I had such fantastic weather yesterday, though I got a great picture of the castle and priory after morning prayer.
7.10pm
This afternoon, reading the Celtic midday prayer, the sentence "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us" stood out.
Then at evening prayer, the word 'beauty' came up again, in a prayer given by the leader and I suddenly welled up with emotion as an image rose to mind - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches and leaves, thick lead lines, and red shining leaves - and I felt sure and reassured that my tree, the tree whose roots I sensed yesterday, will be beautiful.
Dinner was goats cheese and cheddar tart, with a few tomatoes, accompanied by potato wedges, beetroot, and salad with homemade mayo; followed by fresh fruit salad and cream.
10.16pm
Went to the pub tonight. Had a drink with John, and the chef after he clocked off. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to talk a little Geordie?!
Tomorrow's looking to be another indoors day. I'm hoping I'll be a little less scared to pray, and also a little more connected to the communal morning and evening prayer.
Friday 29th April
7.15am
Last day, I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow. Looks rainy.
10.35am
I had hoped to have a hot breakfast at the nearby cafe, but they hadn't opened by 9.30, I gave up and had a large coffee instead. I've been reading most of the morning.
I stopped to pray, and decided to use one of the exercises I had put together for my Circus Spirit talk on Sunday. I brought them with me, and thank God I did!
I chose the one that just sets out a formula for writing a prayer, and got out my, well I suppose you would call it a prayer diary, of sorts.
It's an old notebook that I used at one time to write my intercessions 3 or 4 years ago, when I first attempted the Daily Offices.
As I started to write, it was a bit of an epiphany moment. The part of prayer that scares me most is thinking my own words to God, but writing them is actually fun! It seems so obvious; I'm always writing, I blog for pity's sake, it's been a natural pastime since I learned my letters as a child.
I think it's going to really help if reincorporate my prayer diary into a routine of prayer.
4.55pm
I've spent most of the day either reading the novel, listening to podcasts, or the radio. Lunch was chicken and veg soup with the usual trimmings. I found out that I had got my wires crossed about where to get a hot breakfast, so I'll try again tomorrow.
This afternoon I also went through my copy of Daily Prayer, going through the notes and writing a summary how-to guide in the cover. I own it so I have no qualms about writing in it, in pencil mind. I also had the great pleasure of spending two hours listening to one of my favourite radio shows live, for the first time in years, because normally I listen to the podcast.
Just been in the sitting room with Betty, John, Anne and Susan (Colin and Avril left yesterday). A banana bread has appeared in the kitchen, as baked goods are wont to do here, every other day or so.
We sat talking about writing novels, cats, Supervet, The Durrells, Home Fires, and then Betty's heartbreaking childhood. Makes me so grateful that I have been blessed and extremely lucky to have a great childhood and wonderful parents.
8.00pm
Dinner was a slight disappointment. I'm not keen on fish or seafood, and it was salmon. I pleaded off having any, and piled my plate with new potatoes, carrots and broccoli, and had the white sauce with parsley. It was alright. Slightly redeemed by two portions of apple crumble and custard!
8.45pm
Just arrived at the pub. Really great folk duo, singers on fiddle and guitar. Beautiful harmonies, she's got a lovely voice, his blends well. I got in as it started to hail.
9.30pm
The third dog just left, leaving two still here. Dogs make a proper pub!
9.35pm
This is a moment of happiness. Cider, book, fire, great music, hubbub of not too many people. Not a care. Maybe a taste of heaven. Got a feel of the eternal, maybe. Music touching my soul, content and on fire.
10.20pm
Nice conversation with a Scottish couple down from Aberdeen, on a whim, for the night, sitting on my table. Actually, I sat at their table.
Do you ever feel that musical talent is inherently attractive?
10.55pm
In bed, about to say (whisper) Compline.
The sky cleared whilst I was whiling away in the pub, so that as I walked back in the crisp, clean air of an island at night (cider jacket keeping me cosy), having said thank you to the Edinburgh duo (I stayed for an extra tune when he cracked out the wooden flute, which was even better when he sang in Gaelic), I gazed up at the perfect sea of stars in the deep blue-black. Bonus of the night was reading the phrase "Jesus cockadoodle Christ!"
O, tonight was indeed rather fabulous.
Saturday 30th April
10.15am
And so it is my last morning. What a glorious morning! Woke up to beautiful sunshine, and now I'm enjoying the great outdoors on this quietly gorgeous island before heading back south.
I'm watching an unfolding drama. A very loud female sheep leading her lamb who stops very often, making mum bleat all the louder. But I'm on the lamb's side - where is she going? She's left the flock behind at this point, totally out on her own.
I'm surrounded by midges, and I'm probably going to catch the sun, again.
10.30am
Can't believe I forgot to mention I got my full English, finally! It was pretty standard, nice enough.
Group of what sound like Germans walking below me, singing.
10.45am
I have solved the sheep drama! Down behind a wall I couldn't see around before, there was another sheep and two lambs. By the reactions when finally the bellow-er and reluctant lamb reached them, one of the new lambs is the twin of the reluctant one.
OMGoodness more drama. They've all moved to the marshy bit and the friend sheep started bleating, and was replied by a fourth lamb on the other side of the water. They've all just raced round to be united; how on earth they all got scattered, heaven knows.
Heading back now, just passed the musicians from last night - he was sporting a marvelous poncho and what I can only describe as a rather suitable minstrel's hat!
11.30am
Parked up in a caf round the corner from the station. Kind of shot myself in the foot with caution. The scheduled time for the causeway to be passable [to get off the island - it's cut off from the mainland at high tide] was 11.15. It's a half hour drive to the station, but I put in some contingency time, and booked a 14.12 train, I suppose thinking I'd grab some lunch.
But because I had a large cooked breakfast at half nine, that does not appeal. So I'm going to nurse a cup of tea here long as I can, then I'll take up residence in the station waiting room.
2.45pm
Thinking of strategies for a new prayer regimen. Last plan was three reminders on my phone at 8.30am every morning - pray, reading, reflection. This meant do one session of some sort of prayer, read the Bible reading for the 'read a Bible in a year' (which I am actually keeping on top of!) and read the reflection on the CofE app.
But there was no schedule, and there couldn't be with my work being so different every day. New plan is be less strict so I don't get as guilty if I don't manage it, and mix up morning/midday/evening/night prayer between CofE and Celtic prayer, and each time I pray I read bible or reflection.
That should work, and can be adapted with different work situations. Have considered putting alarms on my phone, but don't think that'll be good.
4.30pm
Finished the novel.
6.25pm
Just an hour away from home now, so I'll try and wrap up. In some ways, I feel the same way about being on Lindisfarne as I do about being at church. I like the person I am on Lindisfarne, same as I like the person I am at church. It gives me hope that such spiritually motivated settings bring out what I feel is one best in me; maybe that's indicative that that's where I belong in my life.
I've come to terms with a few concerns I had, that were preoccupying me. Staring at the sparkling sea puts you in a useful frame of mind when contemplating tough things in life. Or maybe I was just more open to God's guiding and healing grace.
And I've already talked of my motivation for a routine of prayer. Maybe this is the spark I've been waiting for, the launchpad of the next step in my development.
God knows.
-
-
I wrote a journal, so as to keep track of my activities and musings. I've typed it out here if you want to read it, and I've also summarised my spiritual thoughts and revelations at the bottom of this post with a video of a few snippets of the experience. But you will miss the chronicle of an epic sheep drama!
Tuesday 26th April
3.20pm
Trains were all fine and the taxi driver was lovely. I've booked him to pick me up on Saturday.
Got shown round. My room is small and, like the rest of the house, plain. I am regretting not bringing my slippers. But it shouldn't be too cold. [Famous last words]
I've unpacked and just given myself an hour or so to relax and settle, just playing Tetris, listening to a podcast. I'm going to make a cup of tea.
3.55pm
Sitting in the social lounge (as opposed to the silent one) with my cup of tea, I've been getting to know an elderly couple also staying in the house and helping with the crossword whilst writing out Isaiah 61:1-3 in one of my notebooks.
4.25pm
Just finished reading over my hand written faith story and put a final sentence to end it.
5.15pm
Feeling tired, been reading. Bit like a detox period at the moment, I think.
5.50pm
Just finished evening prayer. It will be good to do it several times to get over the novelty and relax into the actual prayer.
Aiden, the founder of the monastery and school on the island, was a 'gentle Bishop', so hopefully something about his example might bring out the gentleness in my soul, if I let it, and God willing.
7.30pm
Lovely dinner of chicken leg, beautifully tender with tasty, crispy skin; perfect baked potato, soft fluffy and flavourful, almost crackling, salty skin; salad, and coleslaw.
Great conversation - there's 7 of us. Susan (50s?), Avril and Colin (70s), Betty and John (60s?), and Anne (70s) [though at this point of writing, I was still learning names!]
These old, northeast bunch of people, they're a bit of laugh. We're in the lounge, just chatting.
10pm
Just finished talking for over an hour with Colin about how to deal with differences of opinion within faith and the problems of religion, scriptural interpretation, the concept of dogma, all sorts! He prayed for me just before going to bed, and he was really positive about petitioning God that if it be God's will, that God make my path open to the priesthood. So I can't have said anything or had any attitude or manner that made him think I wouldn't be good. It was such a fun conversation.
Wednesday 27th April
7.50am
Well, it's not fun doing morning prayer whilst being able to see my breath whilst inside the church!
It's nice to be able to do it first thing. Though doing it with others, the sensory experience is of droning, not exactly uplifting. Not too bad for evening prayer, but I would hope for morning prayer to be a little more energising, even when solemn.
8.35am
I could barely concentrate on the Eucharist, I was so cold! After breakfast, I have to fill the morning. First day of challenge.
10.10am
Bit of porridge and coffee for breakfast. Bit of chat with the others, then they headed off to the house's morning prayers, at a more civilised time two hours after the parish church's. I headed out. the weather is pretty lovely, so I'm glad I'm out and about.
The key I think is being in the moment. Being just here, on this rock, watching those sheep, and the sea. This is not getting away from my life, this is still my life, God given, blessed, and God is only closer here because of the way I am here. If I could be peaceful, and quiet anywhere, God would be just as close.
11.55am
In some ways it's easier to relax somewhere unfamiliar. If you have no ties, you have no responsibility.
The island has a different feel when the tourists come. I've spent the morning doing all the visitor things - up to the castle (though not in it, not for almost ten quid!), around all the town's shops; got some fudge and indulged in a beautiful silver pendant, St Cuthbert's cross, with a garnet at the centre;
I'm currently sitting waiting for the hermit's island to clear of people. I'm not going to pay to go in the priory or museum. I did that last time I was here [whilst on holiday in Northumberland with friends, the summer after A-levels], and I got some great views of the ruins from the lookout tower, first thing after breakfast.
12.50pm
The key to enjoying the outdoors here, in April (apart from getting lucky with the weather, like I have this morning) is finding the sheltered corners. The minute the wind isn't in your face - loud, cold, messing your hair - it's idyllic.
I'm just waiting for lunch. I spent the last 45 minutes sitting on the far side of the hermit island, in the sun, out of the wind, without a single person or dwelling in view.
My thoughts wandered all over the place, and then I did indulge in reading Facebook. It was the first time in a long time that I wasn't worrying, and that was pretty blissful!No divine inspirations yet, though.
3.45pm
Lunch was tomato soup, bread roll, cheese, biscuits, chutney and fruit. It might seem odd that I'm cataloging the food, but I'm trying to take life as a whole experience, rather than seeing certain bits are 'counting' more than others.
After dumping my morning's purchases in my room, I headed straight out. I went down to the castle, and headed round the island's coast. I'm writing this on a break, just before the last leg back into the village, having circumnavigated the whole island!
It was so wonderful, and I've been blessed that shockingly it's been blue skies and sunshine.
I sang most of the way round. I was totally alone, with an occasional sheep, so I blared out a mixture of church and Disney music.
Of course, I wasn't totally alone. God was there. I couldn't see a person, nor even any sign of humanity, just sea, sky, dunes or fields or grassland. But I wasn't alone.
I can't believe I'm sitting here worried about sun burn. I set off in teeshirt, cardigan, big hoody, zip up hoody, and winter coat. Now I'm down to shirt and cardy.
It was a good thing I brought my hiking boots. Well done me.
5.15pm
I suppose I feel a bit like I'm finally starting to set roots down. These last two decades have seen seed planted, shoots appear, small leaves come up, and shoot grow slightly into sapling. This period I'm going to say is the lengthening of roots, becoming more secure a base and reaching for resources.
5.55pm
Lord, let me be worthy to take up the mantle of shepherding your people, your church, your bride, your beloved; worthy to follow in the footsteps of so many before me who have given their lives to you and your gospel.
7.50pm
I am pooped! Barely 8pm and I'm having trouble keeping my eyes open. Dinner was lovely again. Boiled ham (amazeballs), mash, carrots and parsnips, but I didn't partake of the curly kale; followed by ginger cake with lemon sauce and sorbet.
Sitting in the living room, wondering when is polite to retire. I have less patience with the old folks natter without any energy.
Thursday 25th April
9.30am
Shower, morning prayer, Eucharist (again, too cold to concentrate), porridge and coffee, and then a bit of a rest. Yesterday was energetic, today will be calm. But it does mean I'm a little stumped on how to get going. Hopefully the day will be of prayer, contemplation, reading, and insight.
10.55amThere's basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God.
3.45pm
Started reading a novel I brought - looked in the front and realised that I bought it in Alnwick, just nearby, last time I was in Northumberland! It's funny how my friend recommended I buy it from the gigantic second-hand bookstore, and I've had it six years but not had the impulse to read it. Maybe it's the right time, maybe it's not that profound.
Lunch was cream of potato soup, lovely, with same sides and cheese as yesterday.
Afterwards, I popped into one of the gift shops I didn't go to yesterday, and it was good thing too. Last night I'd been getting fed up of the tiny mugs here, you know the ones, white standard that you get cheap in bulk. Serviceable but can't get a proper cuppa.
I had in mind to get a mug today, and the shop had a great selection! I got one with designs from the Lindisfarne Gospels.
I really want the pastoral assistant job I've applied for. I'm going to be bereft if I don't get it. It'll be a consolation if I get one of the other ones, but I really want the original one, the one that sparked.
It's raining at the moment - it was blessed luck that I had such fantastic weather yesterday, though I got a great picture of the castle and priory after morning prayer.
This afternoon, reading the Celtic midday prayer, the sentence "Let the beauty of the Lord our God be upon us" stood out.
Then at evening prayer, the word 'beauty' came up again, in a prayer given by the leader and I suddenly welled up with emotion as an image rose to mind - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches and leaves, thick lead lines, and red shining leaves - and I felt sure and reassured that my tree, the tree whose roots I sensed yesterday, will be beautiful.
Dinner was goats cheese and cheddar tart, with a few tomatoes, accompanied by potato wedges, beetroot, and salad with homemade mayo; followed by fresh fruit salad and cream.
10.16pm
Went to the pub tonight. Had a drink with John, and the chef after he clocked off. Have I mentioned that I'm starting to talk a little Geordie?!
Tomorrow's looking to be another indoors day. I'm hoping I'll be a little less scared to pray, and also a little more connected to the communal morning and evening prayer.
Friday 29th April
7.15am
Last day, I'm sad that I'm leaving tomorrow. Looks rainy.
10.35am
I had hoped to have a hot breakfast at the nearby cafe, but they hadn't opened by 9.30, I gave up and had a large coffee instead. I've been reading most of the morning.
I stopped to pray, and decided to use one of the exercises I had put together for my Circus Spirit talk on Sunday. I brought them with me, and thank God I did!
I chose the one that just sets out a formula for writing a prayer, and got out my, well I suppose you would call it a prayer diary, of sorts.
It's an old notebook that I used at one time to write my intercessions 3 or 4 years ago, when I first attempted the Daily Offices.
As I started to write, it was a bit of an epiphany moment. The part of prayer that scares me most is thinking my own words to God, but writing them is actually fun! It seems so obvious; I'm always writing, I blog for pity's sake, it's been a natural pastime since I learned my letters as a child.
I think it's going to really help if reincorporate my prayer diary into a routine of prayer.
4.55pm
I've spent most of the day either reading the novel, listening to podcasts, or the radio. Lunch was chicken and veg soup with the usual trimmings. I found out that I had got my wires crossed about where to get a hot breakfast, so I'll try again tomorrow.
This afternoon I also went through my copy of Daily Prayer, going through the notes and writing a summary how-to guide in the cover. I own it so I have no qualms about writing in it, in pencil mind. I also had the great pleasure of spending two hours listening to one of my favourite radio shows live, for the first time in years, because normally I listen to the podcast.
Just been in the sitting room with Betty, John, Anne and Susan (Colin and Avril left yesterday). A banana bread has appeared in the kitchen, as baked goods are wont to do here, every other day or so.
We sat talking about writing novels, cats, Supervet, The Durrells, Home Fires, and then Betty's heartbreaking childhood. Makes me so grateful that I have been blessed and extremely lucky to have a great childhood and wonderful parents.
Dinner was a slight disappointment. I'm not keen on fish or seafood, and it was salmon. I pleaded off having any, and piled my plate with new potatoes, carrots and broccoli, and had the white sauce with parsley. It was alright. Slightly redeemed by two portions of apple crumble and custard!
8.45pm
Just arrived at the pub. Really great folk duo, singers on fiddle and guitar. Beautiful harmonies, she's got a lovely voice, his blends well. I got in as it started to hail.
9.30pm
The third dog just left, leaving two still here. Dogs make a proper pub!
9.35pm
This is a moment of happiness. Cider, book, fire, great music, hubbub of not too many people. Not a care. Maybe a taste of heaven. Got a feel of the eternal, maybe. Music touching my soul, content and on fire.
10.20pm
Nice conversation with a Scottish couple down from Aberdeen, on a whim, for the night, sitting on my table. Actually, I sat at their table.
Do you ever feel that musical talent is inherently attractive?
10.55pm
In bed, about to say (whisper) Compline.
The sky cleared whilst I was whiling away in the pub, so that as I walked back in the crisp, clean air of an island at night (cider jacket keeping me cosy), having said thank you to the Edinburgh duo (I stayed for an extra tune when he cracked out the wooden flute, which was even better when he sang in Gaelic), I gazed up at the perfect sea of stars in the deep blue-black. Bonus of the night was reading the phrase "Jesus cockadoodle Christ!"
O, tonight was indeed rather fabulous.
Saturday 30th April
10.15am
And so it is my last morning. What a glorious morning! Woke up to beautiful sunshine, and now I'm enjoying the great outdoors on this quietly gorgeous island before heading back south.
I'm watching an unfolding drama. A very loud female sheep leading her lamb who stops very often, making mum bleat all the louder. But I'm on the lamb's side - where is she going? She's left the flock behind at this point, totally out on her own.
I'm surrounded by midges, and I'm probably going to catch the sun, again.
10.30am
Can't believe I forgot to mention I got my full English, finally! It was pretty standard, nice enough.
Group of what sound like Germans walking below me, singing.
10.45am
I have solved the sheep drama! Down behind a wall I couldn't see around before, there was another sheep and two lambs. By the reactions when finally the bellow-er and reluctant lamb reached them, one of the new lambs is the twin of the reluctant one.
OMGoodness more drama. They've all moved to the marshy bit and the friend sheep started bleating, and was replied by a fourth lamb on the other side of the water. They've all just raced round to be united; how on earth they all got scattered, heaven knows.
Heading back now, just passed the musicians from last night - he was sporting a marvelous poncho and what I can only describe as a rather suitable minstrel's hat!
Parked up in a caf round the corner from the station. Kind of shot myself in the foot with caution. The scheduled time for the causeway to be passable [to get off the island - it's cut off from the mainland at high tide] was 11.15. It's a half hour drive to the station, but I put in some contingency time, and booked a 14.12 train, I suppose thinking I'd grab some lunch.
But because I had a large cooked breakfast at half nine, that does not appeal. So I'm going to nurse a cup of tea here long as I can, then I'll take up residence in the station waiting room.
2.45pm
Thinking of strategies for a new prayer regimen. Last plan was three reminders on my phone at 8.30am every morning - pray, reading, reflection. This meant do one session of some sort of prayer, read the Bible reading for the 'read a Bible in a year' (which I am actually keeping on top of!) and read the reflection on the CofE app.
But there was no schedule, and there couldn't be with my work being so different every day. New plan is be less strict so I don't get as guilty if I don't manage it, and mix up morning/midday/evening/night prayer between CofE and Celtic prayer, and each time I pray I read bible or reflection.
That should work, and can be adapted with different work situations. Have considered putting alarms on my phone, but don't think that'll be good.
4.30pm
Finished the novel.
6.25pm
Just an hour away from home now, so I'll try and wrap up. In some ways, I feel the same way about being on Lindisfarne as I do about being at church. I like the person I am on Lindisfarne, same as I like the person I am at church. It gives me hope that such spiritually motivated settings bring out what I feel is one best in me; maybe that's indicative that that's where I belong in my life.
I've come to terms with a few concerns I had, that were preoccupying me. Staring at the sparkling sea puts you in a useful frame of mind when contemplating tough things in life. Or maybe I was just more open to God's guiding and healing grace.
And I've already talked of my motivation for a routine of prayer. Maybe this is the spark I've been waiting for, the launchpad of the next step in my development.
God knows.
-
-
- Gentleness - if I could be peaceful and quiet elsewhere, God would be as close
- Never alone for God is there
- This period of life is deepening my roots for a secure base
- There is basically no way of knowing if coincidence is random or contrived by God
- Beauty vision - a fragile, stained glass tree, with stylised branches, thick lead lines, and red leaves - reassured that my tree will be beautiful
- Use my prayer diary to write prayers
- New strategy for prayer
- reassuring that I find spiritually and/or religiously motivated places bring out the best in me - does that indicate it's where I belong?
Tuesday, 8 March 2016
How I've changed in the last 6 months
So I'm not yet on the official diocese discernment process, I've only talked to my rector and my curate about my calling, but I've been on a discernment process since the start of September 2015. It's been six months, and yes, it's frustrating that it's taking what feels like forever to feel like I'm getting anywhere, but I was reflecting recently, and looking at myself, I think I have actually already got somewhere.
Six months ago, I was ball of excitement and impatience, and I've got a handle on that now. God is doing what God always does in my life. My path is a series of steps, and I am given the opportunity to progress to the next step ONLY when I am ready, and almost never when I actually
want it. God gives me the amount of time I need on each step to grow and develop in whatever way that step is for - it's like completing a level on a computer game and going up to the next, except I don't know the aim of the step, or how long it will be for, or how many levels there are (I suspect, from the trend of the last 23 years, I won't ever run out of levels), or how close I am to completing it. But I just have to keep faith, because I'm on God's schedule, not mine. That has always been the path that has served me well, and so unsurprisingly, the last 6 months haven't been the purposeless waiting game that they felt like many times.
I am more confident talking about my calling. In my first conversation with the rector, I talked in vague terms and she had to coax me to even say the word 'ordination'. I had generally been embarrassed to talk about my sense of calling, worried about people thinking less of me for listening to the 'imaginary friend in the sky telling you your destiny'.
But I know what I feel. I am called to do the right thing, be a good person and show others they should be too, for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime. That's what the story of Jesus Christ, the good news, tells me. I am called to be part of God's church, to have role in helping humanity have a relationship with God and the universe that balances inner truth and outer truth in active and reactive harmony. This discernment process is to explore the interpretation of that call that leads me to believe that I can fulfill that call best in the priesthood.
A big part of these last months has been reading the stories of others on their discernment of ordination (see my blog roll), and being inspired and educated. It's inspiring even reading of people who are rejected at BAP, because they don't give up, they keep going in their journey to serve God. That's so encouraging when I face the prospect that it might one day happen to me. And the stories that reach a 'yes' answer from the BAP fill me with hope and excitement that God willing that is what will happen to me.
As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've been working on prayer, knowing that it needs to become the cornerstone of my life. That in itself is a slow process, God and I are something like sporadic penfriends rather than bosom buddies right now, but that's an improvement on relatives who talk 3 times a year because they have to, which is sort of what it was like before I got the massive kick from my calling and started putting some effort in. My main barrier is I am terrible at getting into habits, especially as freelance stage management doesn't have the same routine for more than 4 weeks max. But over this period, I have stopped worrying so much about 'being bad at prayer' or not praying enough, and taking the pressure off makes it less scary. So that's an improvement.
As well as reading blogs, a huge part of my activity has been reading books (see my reading list). I love reading, which is helpful, but it hasn't just been a case of leisurely interest. It has kept my focus, explained about the priesthood, military chaplaincy, prayer, vocations, the theology of Jesus, being friend's with Christ, and whetted my appetite to keep learning, deepen my understanding, and not stop, forever and ever amen. Whilst reading, I get a touch of what a God centred life is like, because they're good at being a constant reminder to turn back to God, to remember God.
It's been a similar thing reading the Bible everyday - the same as the other books, it's turning my focus back to God, back to the divine within the ordinary. My eyes have also been opened to the narrative structure of the OT; before I was used to hearing the individual extracts of specific episodes, and now I have a much clearer understanding of who Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses were.
I worked a job in September/October/November and then took December off to do Christmas at church. Things weren't too bad during that contract; I was excited about setting up this blog, and meeting the rector several times, and simply getting used to starting the discernment process, finding out what it involves and working out how I was going to come at it. Then I did a job January/February, and this happened. I stressed out to the point that I did break down a week before the job ended, and my beloved had to put the pieces back together so I could hobble to the end. That's not job stress. Yes, the job was more stressful than previous jobs, but I think it got to me because I was stretched, torn between two paths that I was attempting to follow simultaneously. I have been challenged to follow my path whilst also working as a Deputy Stage Manager, and basically I think I failed. I'm not sure yet if it was my failing, or an indication that the two are incompatible, but I lean towards the latter.
It was horrible, but I love my job. Even that bastard of a contract was enjoyable. Here and now, reflecting on both jobs, I can see a comparison of the happiness for myself that I get at work vs the joy inspired in me by the happiness of others when I help at church. And it is the latter that feels the most right, and also the more fulfilling. I'm now taking March and April off to do Easter, some more conferences, and a spiritual retreat, and these last few weeks of first recovering, and then setting out my to-do list for church things, and life things, and discernment things - I feel back on track.
Another gain over the last six months has been affirmation, be it not very much so far. Several people when asked have said they think I'd make a good priest, and a couple have said so without prompting.
A more recent change has been starting to appreciate evangelism. You'll remember from my selection criteria video (which was a bit long, true, here's a link to the relevant section of the video) that I don't like charismatic worship, and have issues with the mission element of ministry (this section of the video). Reading about RainbowGirl's similar problems has helped me work through some of my own, and I'm a lot more open to learn about the positive evangelical worship and ethos, without being worried it'll be all conservative negativity.
Changes galore. Baby steps along the path, but at least heading in the right direction and making progress.
Six months ago, I was ball of excitement and impatience, and I've got a handle on that now. God is doing what God always does in my life. My path is a series of steps, and I am given the opportunity to progress to the next step ONLY when I am ready, and almost never when I actually
I am more confident talking about my calling. In my first conversation with the rector, I talked in vague terms and she had to coax me to even say the word 'ordination'. I had generally been embarrassed to talk about my sense of calling, worried about people thinking less of me for listening to the 'imaginary friend in the sky telling you your destiny'.
But I know what I feel. I am called to do the right thing, be a good person and show others they should be too, for many reasons, but ultimately in response to the universe and the love of God that permeates every place and moment in spacetime. That's what the story of Jesus Christ, the good news, tells me. I am called to be part of God's church, to have role in helping humanity have a relationship with God and the universe that balances inner truth and outer truth in active and reactive harmony. This discernment process is to explore the interpretation of that call that leads me to believe that I can fulfill that call best in the priesthood.
As you know, if you've been reading my blog, I've been working on prayer, knowing that it needs to become the cornerstone of my life. That in itself is a slow process, God and I are something like sporadic penfriends rather than bosom buddies right now, but that's an improvement on relatives who talk 3 times a year because they have to, which is sort of what it was like before I got the massive kick from my calling and started putting some effort in. My main barrier is I am terrible at getting into habits, especially as freelance stage management doesn't have the same routine for more than 4 weeks max. But over this period, I have stopped worrying so much about 'being bad at prayer' or not praying enough, and taking the pressure off makes it less scary. So that's an improvement.
As well as reading blogs, a huge part of my activity has been reading books (see my reading list). I love reading, which is helpful, but it hasn't just been a case of leisurely interest. It has kept my focus, explained about the priesthood, military chaplaincy, prayer, vocations, the theology of Jesus, being friend's with Christ, and whetted my appetite to keep learning, deepen my understanding, and not stop, forever and ever amen. Whilst reading, I get a touch of what a God centred life is like, because they're good at being a constant reminder to turn back to God, to remember God.
It's been a similar thing reading the Bible everyday - the same as the other books, it's turning my focus back to God, back to the divine within the ordinary. My eyes have also been opened to the narrative structure of the OT; before I was used to hearing the individual extracts of specific episodes, and now I have a much clearer understanding of who Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Moses were.
I worked a job in September/October/November and then took December off to do Christmas at church. Things weren't too bad during that contract; I was excited about setting up this blog, and meeting the rector several times, and simply getting used to starting the discernment process, finding out what it involves and working out how I was going to come at it. Then I did a job January/February, and this happened. I stressed out to the point that I did break down a week before the job ended, and my beloved had to put the pieces back together so I could hobble to the end. That's not job stress. Yes, the job was more stressful than previous jobs, but I think it got to me because I was stretched, torn between two paths that I was attempting to follow simultaneously. I have been challenged to follow my path whilst also working as a Deputy Stage Manager, and basically I think I failed. I'm not sure yet if it was my failing, or an indication that the two are incompatible, but I lean towards the latter.
It was horrible, but I love my job. Even that bastard of a contract was enjoyable. Here and now, reflecting on both jobs, I can see a comparison of the happiness for myself that I get at work vs the joy inspired in me by the happiness of others when I help at church. And it is the latter that feels the most right, and also the more fulfilling. I'm now taking March and April off to do Easter, some more conferences, and a spiritual retreat, and these last few weeks of first recovering, and then setting out my to-do list for church things, and life things, and discernment things - I feel back on track.
Another gain over the last six months has been affirmation, be it not very much so far. Several people when asked have said they think I'd make a good priest, and a couple have said so without prompting.
A more recent change has been starting to appreciate evangelism. You'll remember from my selection criteria video (which was a bit long, true, here's a link to the relevant section of the video) that I don't like charismatic worship, and have issues with the mission element of ministry (this section of the video). Reading about RainbowGirl's similar problems has helped me work through some of my own, and I'm a lot more open to learn about the positive evangelical worship and ethos, without being worried it'll be all conservative negativity.
Changes galore. Baby steps along the path, but at least heading in the right direction and making progress.
Tuesday, 29 December 2015
Being 'religious'
In the last few months I have realised that I am religious. It may sound weird, that I have only just realised this, looking at my life:
- I've identified as Christian since I was 6
- I have worn a crucifix 24/7 since I was 14, so for almost a decade
- I have been going to church every week for over 4 years
- I'm baptised and, more importantly, confirmed
- I've been increasingly involved in church life, including
- singing in the choir
- reading the gospel
- being a server
- running the Circus Spirit
- substituting for the cantor
- I pray daily
- I use prayer beads
- I get ashed and wear it for the rest of the day
- I plan on reading the Bible in a year in 2016
- I keep a spiritual journal
- I stay overnight and sleep in the church for the Easter Vigil
- I even took a month off work to volunteer in Advent
To other people, I am obviously religious. I, and others, find it odd if I don't wear a cross, and I get angsty if I miss a Sunday morning for whatever reason. In such a precarious career as freelance theatre stage manager, church is one of the anchors in my life, alongside my family, my boyfriend, and my friends. My aims in life include living by the Great Commandment, and the Golden Rule; being a disciple to Jesus; centering and orientating my life around my relationship with God.
I'm obviously religious. But if you had asked me last year what I identified as, the list would not have included 'religious'. It was only when someone asked me if one of my friends at church was religious that I said "well, yeah, he is, but he only goes to church as much as I do...oh..." and the penny dropped.
I was taken aback. I almost wanted to defend myself against the accusation. And it's this reaction that has made me think about it a bit deeper. Why did I not want to be called 'religious', when it is true? I'm not claiming the "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual" thing, but I would much rather be 'a person of faith'.
'Faith' has a better rep than religion. I think it's definitely a generational thing; there's a feeling of peer pressure to avoid the 'religious' label, and in many ways, a common issue young Christians have is an instinct to hide their religion. Easier to come out as bisexual than Christian! Millennials pride themselves of being progressive, and liberal, and reasonable, and that leads to a rejection of all things seen as not based on reason, including any spirituality or, and especially, a belief in God. Believing in God is often seen as an indication of inferiority, and so going as far as to be religious itself implies an
irrational adherence to dogma. Modern Western mainstream culture seems to take the view that, alongside gender and race equality, freedom of sexuality, and freedom of speech, the conclusion that there is no God is the obvious, and basically only acceptable, conclusion. It's fashionable to hate religion.
One cannot be religious and considered reasonable, rational, even maybe intelligent. So I think my initial instinct to reject the term comes from a fear that it will class me in the same category as religious fundamentalists, religious nutters, religious terrorists, religious indoctrination, conservatism, creationism, zealots, the judgmental, the out of touch. Calling people religious is often a way of excluding them based on assumptions about their views or behaviour ie. it's a label, so in narrow minds leads to prejudice.
But I am religious. Not because I have been indoctrinated, not because I think everyone should live their lives the way I do, and not because it's easier. I am religious because I practice religion, but I
practice good religion. Bad religion is exactly what Jesus railed against when arguing with the Pharisees etc. Good religion is a structure, a set of tools to sustain the faith, the relationship with Jesus, God, the universe. The practices, the actions and works are not the important bit, but I need them, flawed human being as I am, to keep up my end of the relationship. I use the combined wisdom of the tradition and scripture to give me a head start, rather than starting at the beginning on my own. I wouldn't get anywhere! It's also a useful motivation to do things that, even though reason and experience tell me I should, I probably wouldn't end up doing if on my own.
This is if I get it right, and I do fail, of course I do. When I fail, my religiosity is just as insubstantial and a distortion as it was when Jesus threw his wobbly in the Temple. And that's where the negativity of 'religious' catches me, and makes me squirm. It's a reminder that though I am aware of good religion, and I try my best, religion gets in my way sometimes, making me no better than the fundamentalists I so desperately do not want to be.
But my hope is that I get it right enough to outweigh when I get it wrong. I hope I can live a life that is, yes, religious, but in a way that makes people rethink their assumption that being religious is necessarily a negative thing. I find so much that is good, and useful, and wonderful, in religion, and somehow, I hope I can show that to others.
PS a good book to show more of the good in religion than the "religions do good stuff" argument, I recommend Religion for Atheists by Alain de Botton.
- I've identified as Christian since I was 6
- I have worn a crucifix 24/7 since I was 14, so for almost a decade
- I have been going to church every week for over 4 years
- I've been increasingly involved in church life, including
- singing in the choir
- reading the gospel
- being a server
- running the Circus Spirit
- substituting for the cantor
- I pray daily
- I use prayer beads
- I get ashed and wear it for the rest of the day
- I plan on reading the Bible in a year in 2016
- I keep a spiritual journal
- I stay overnight and sleep in the church for the Easter Vigil
- I even took a month off work to volunteer in Advent
I'm obviously religious. But if you had asked me last year what I identified as, the list would not have included 'religious'. It was only when someone asked me if one of my friends at church was religious that I said "well, yeah, he is, but he only goes to church as much as I do...oh..." and the penny dropped.
I was taken aback. I almost wanted to defend myself against the accusation. And it's this reaction that has made me think about it a bit deeper. Why did I not want to be called 'religious', when it is true? I'm not claiming the "I'm not religious, I'm spiritual" thing, but I would much rather be 'a person of faith'.
'Faith' has a better rep than religion. I think it's definitely a generational thing; there's a feeling of peer pressure to avoid the 'religious' label, and in many ways, a common issue young Christians have is an instinct to hide their religion. Easier to come out as bisexual than Christian! Millennials pride themselves of being progressive, and liberal, and reasonable, and that leads to a rejection of all things seen as not based on reason, including any spirituality or, and especially, a belief in God. Believing in God is often seen as an indication of inferiority, and so going as far as to be religious itself implies an
One cannot be religious and considered reasonable, rational, even maybe intelligent. So I think my initial instinct to reject the term comes from a fear that it will class me in the same category as religious fundamentalists, religious nutters, religious terrorists, religious indoctrination, conservatism, creationism, zealots, the judgmental, the out of touch. Calling people religious is often a way of excluding them based on assumptions about their views or behaviour ie. it's a label, so in narrow minds leads to prejudice.
But I am religious. Not because I have been indoctrinated, not because I think everyone should live their lives the way I do, and not because it's easier. I am religious because I practice religion, but I
This is if I get it right, and I do fail, of course I do. When I fail, my religiosity is just as insubstantial and a distortion as it was when Jesus threw his wobbly in the Temple. And that's where the negativity of 'religious' catches me, and makes me squirm. It's a reminder that though I am aware of good religion, and I try my best, religion gets in my way sometimes, making me no better than the fundamentalists I so desperately do not want to be.
But my hope is that I get it right enough to outweigh when I get it wrong. I hope I can live a life that is, yes, religious, but in a way that makes people rethink their assumption that being religious is necessarily a negative thing. I find so much that is good, and useful, and wonderful, in religion, and somehow, I hope I can show that to others.PS a good book to show more of the good in religion than the "religions do good stuff" argument, I recommend Religion for Atheists by Alain de Botton.
Friday, 18 December 2015
Video: Update on not much happening
I've contacted the army chaplain I mentioned in my last post, so arranging that meeting is in the works, which is very exciting. I read her book as well, which was interesting, as memoirs generally are, not that I read a lot of them. Vis. other homework, I haven't got to any other services yet, as I thought I might not, but I do need to remember to at some point in the new year get on with that; and I feel like this past Sunday I did reconnect with service as a punter in the pew. Part of this I think is my progress in connecting with prayer, which is obviously a major part of the service. So that's nice.
And our associate rector has suggested pointing this blog out to the diocese. I feel all sorts of things about this. It is terrifying. First, as much as I am aware that I'm writing on the internet and therefore it will be read by strangers, the possibility of exposure, of being publicised, and marketed, is daunting. I worry that it would add pressure, whereas this blog should be an organic outpouring. Second, the possibility of censure. I need to know I can write pretty much anything on here, and if the diocese is anyway want to back this little project, they may want a say in the content. And of course, the very nature of the project is going to involve my opinion of the process I'm about to embark on, which is done by the diocese. How much freedom will I have to criticise the process? This is meant to be an open, honest log of my experience, good and bad.
I may be over-thinking it, it may be fine. I also feel so excited about the prospect. What an opportunity! I would like this blog to survive in posterity, and be available as a resource for people in my position who don't have anything similar, so to have it broadcast by an official branch of vocation that those people might encounter is surely a good thing. I'm also nervous if it affects my prospects. I'm happy my associate rector thinks it's a good blog worth pointing out to the higher-ups. I feel inadequate as a novice blogger. In some ways I want to take up the challenge, as I would be determined to do well and be worthy of the attention. There's also the potential embarrassment of the publicity not attracting any more attention.
Thursday, 26 November 2015
A few books from Church House
After I made this video, I went back to my friend to give her her keys, and I popped into the Church House bookshop because it was nearby. I should not be allowed in bookshops, it's just as dangerous as browsing the Kindle store; my poor bank account suffers terribly. (Previous books I've been reading in response to my calling are listed at the bottom of this post*, and discussed in this post).
Having some hard copy books as well as ebooks is useful to me at the moment, as I'm taking
December off from working in stage management, which means I won't be regularly commuting, the time I usually use to read and therefore suited to a Kindle; reading at home I feel is more suited to a paper and ink copy. I'll try to remember to post every time I get a new book. It will be useful simply for me to keep track!
I bought 4 books at Church House. Two classics that are often on vocation reading lists, and two more specific books. The two classics are Being A Priest Today, and Called or Collared?. The latter has prompted me to draft a new post about my doubts of my calling, which should be up soon.
The first specific book is Military Chaplaincy in Contention, because I've got an interest in chaplaincy, but I'm more interested in military/prison work, rather than hospitals or universities (though an airport sounds quite interesting too, and of course theatre chaplaincy would suit me perfectly, as a professional stage manager). So I'm hoping to get an insight into what military chaplaincy is, because I am woefully ignorant at the moment.
The second is I Think It's God Calling. I liked the look of this because it's a personal account of discernment, going to theological college, and being ordained a deacon, and it started out as a blog. It was nice to read a modern and young experience, though there was more detail about life at theological college than the discernment process.
*Previous books I've read as part of exploring my vocation
The Little Book of Prayers
Religion for Atheists
Hearing the Call: Stories of Young Vocation
What Anglicans Believe
Jesus and Peter: Growing in Friendship with God
Having some hard copy books as well as ebooks is useful to me at the moment, as I'm taking
I bought 4 books at Church House. Two classics that are often on vocation reading lists, and two more specific books. The two classics are Being A Priest Today, and Called or Collared?. The latter has prompted me to draft a new post about my doubts of my calling, which should be up soon.
The first specific book is Military Chaplaincy in Contention, because I've got an interest in chaplaincy, but I'm more interested in military/prison work, rather than hospitals or universities (though an airport sounds quite interesting too, and of course theatre chaplaincy would suit me perfectly, as a professional stage manager). So I'm hoping to get an insight into what military chaplaincy is, because I am woefully ignorant at the moment.
The second is I Think It's God Calling. I liked the look of this because it's a personal account of discernment, going to theological college, and being ordained a deacon, and it started out as a blog. It was nice to read a modern and young experience, though there was more detail about life at theological college than the discernment process.
*Previous books I've read as part of exploring my vocation
The Little Book of Prayers
Religion for Atheists
Hearing the Call: Stories of Young Vocation
What Anglicans Believe
Jesus and Peter: Growing in Friendship with God
Friday, 13 November 2015
What I've managed in the last couple of months
I am almost caught up on my journey so far (see previous blog posts: history of my faith part one and two, history of my calling, and my first steps exploring it).
Between the two meetings with my rector, what I did most was think. Getting the big kick in response to contemplating the Camino revved the engines, but talking to someone 'on the inside', someone I trusted knew what they were doing and would help me do something about it, put the process into gear. I spent the month or so between meetings getting used to the idea that my calling was going to be addressed starting now, age 23, rather than in the future like I had always thought. The initial excitement didn't die down but it became more contained and focused, and I didn't realise it at the time, but I sought out tools and strategies to get started, even though I didn't really know consciously 'how to get started'.
When I was deciding to be a stage manager, the one thing everyone said was a stage manager is a 'people person'. I was not a people person. I knew that but it didn't put me off. I was determined that I was suited to everything else about stage management, why give up without trying first? And you know what, in the 8 years since then, I have put a lot of energy into becoming better at gauging my relationships with people, things like cutting down on how much I explicitly complain, and putting others' needs first, and doing so without compromising on who I am. I'm still not a natural people person, but I have trained my thinking into better patterns to become more like a people person. Which I am really glad about.
One of the many things people often say about priests is it is a 'life of prayer'. I have historically been terrible at prayer. It has previously been very low down on my list. But again, I am not going to let that put me off. I'll write another post about why I think I'm suited to being ordained (edit: I did, it's here), but basically I think it's generally a good idea; so if I can change the way I relate to people, surely with the same effort and perseverance I can re-orientate my habits and thinking to be more prayerful. Just the mere fact that I want to is an important part of that.
I have owned a hard copy of 'Daily Prayer' the official C of E book for maybe a year, maybe two. I've off and on managed to do morning prayer here and there, maybe compline, but never with any consistency. So in the last month I have got three things.
One: the C of E Daily Prayer app. YES, the good ol' Church of England actually has apps, being all hip and 21st century. You can get morning, evening and night prayer, with all the right readings and collects there on the one screen rather than sitting with two or three books, flipping between bookmarks. My schedule keeps changing due to my job, but when I was getting up and going to work for 9.30am in rehearsals, I was able to read morning prayer everyday, silently on the train. And if I get to bed and realise I haven't done any structured prayer that day, I can reach for my phone and quickly whisper night prayer.
Two: another app! The C of E Reflections for Daily Prayer app. This one's great, because even if you don't do morning prayer, it'll give the reading and a few short paragraphs of reflection, from a variety of wise contributors. I read it every day, which also has the bonus of meaning that I get an extract of scripture every day.
Three: an unofficial book of prayers, The Little Book of Prayers. I picked this up when browsing in Waterstones. It's a collection of a variety of prayers from all walks of life and religions and philosophies. I love it for two reasons; one, it's tiny, so it fits in my handbag easily, and two, it has an index for when you want to pray about or for something specific, like gratitude, strength, guidance, grief.
So this means that if I don't manage to do official prayer - like at the moment I work 5.30pm-10pm on performances, so the morning is pretty much gone when I get up, and evening prayer is focused on a quiet end to the day rather than what I'm doing which is starting work - I can pull this little dude out of my handbag and read a short prayer a few times.
I've also started reading around. Every resource for discernment and ministry mentions reading books, and to be honest, it has been daunting. I did a practical degree course without any assigned reading, or textbooks, or any need to reference literature in essays or whatever. And when I see the lists and lists of recommended reading, I am at a loss as to where to start.
But I have managed to have a stab at it. Oddly, one of the books I first read in this process was Religion for Atheists, which was great to get a very different perspective on religion. Then I read, and mean to read again, Hearing the Call: Stories of Young Vocation, which was a very reassuring experience, hearing from someone who has dealt with young people in my situation and finding that I'm saying very similar things to them. I'm currently reading What Anglicans Believe, ie. what am I supposed to be signing up for (I also have a hard copy somewhere of a book, I can't remember the name, that sets out how the Church of England operates practically, which I should look over again). And I'm lucky that it's near the end of the year, so I've got myself one of those 'read the bible in a year' books, to start on January 1st. We'll see how that goes. Plus, I've always loved gospel stories about Peter, so the next book I'll read is a recommendation off my rector, Jesus and Peter: Growing in Friendship with God.
It was only in my second meeting with the rector when I said I had done all this that I realised I was actually doing something. I had been under the impression that I wasn't doing anything, that things had been on pause since my last meeting, and I was just waiting for the next to be told what to do. But my rector keeps talking about "keeping up the momentum" and that doesn't mean speed. It means things are progressing, slowly, so that I have time to really understand what's happening.
I've been worried that I haven't been doing enough, that my work and social lives aren't giving me enough time to dedicate to exploring my calling. But the momentum is there. This sense of moving towards a greater part of my life is with me all the time. And it doesn't come from me. All I can do is respond, and that's not always a proactive and obvious thing. Not at this stage. Not yet.
Anyway, so I'll mention three things from the second meeting with the rector.
Who am I? I mentioned
this in an earlier post, but essentially she started teasing out answers to that question, because I am going to go up to the Church and say "God is calling me, here I am" and the response from the Church is going to come down to "So who are you then?" And part of the discernment process is self-awareness, and learning to articulate an answer to that question that is comprehensible, and comprehensive. The church need to get to know you, and I realised I'm not very good at that. Not many people are without practice. The person sitting behind my eyes feels like it has a good sense of who I am, I feel like I know myself. But try and say it out loud, and it's really difficult! To put it into words that someone who is not inside your head can understand and get a true impression of who you are? That's a surprisingly tough challenge.
Another thing was an unexpected insight into myself. I have cried in that kind and patient woman's office the majority of times I have been there, and that day was no exception. In just the same way I was worried in the past when people said I wasn't a people person, I am terrified that someone is going to turn around and tell me "this is a bad idea. You're not suited to be a priest. You're wrong if you think you should be. You'd be terrible at it. I don't want people like you as priests." No one has come even close to saying anything like that. Everyone has been quite supportive. I suppose the fear hasn't gone away because no one has yet to hear me say "I feel a calling to ministry, possibly to be ordained" and shouted "oh yeah! I can see that. I think that's a great idea. You'd suit that."
I don't want my rector to do that. I'd be surprised and find it unhelpful if she was definitive and gave me black and white answers. It's like a therapist, their job is to help you understand what's going on in your head and in your life and then work out for yourself with coaxing and suggestions what to do about it. But if someone did, if someone genuinely said "Go for it", that would be... just awesome.
The third thing was very exciting, because it's the first time there's been talk of doing something official, and even though I am working to get over my impatience, it is gratifying to take a small step that is explicit. I took the decision back in September to take December off. All people in theatre do a Christmas show, but it takes up your life more than a usual show, and would mean I just wouldn't get to church, none of the Advent services, carol service, midnight mass, nothing. So I didn't want to do one, I chose church instead. I told my rector, and she brightened up as I asked if I could be useful to the church with all this free time, to help out, and in light of our conversations, get a bit more experience of church life beyond the Sunday services. She was all in favour, and said it could be a sort of 'mini-placement', and by gum, that made me want to fist pump.
A placement is a classic part of the discernment process. There is what appears to be a lot of resources out there for people in my position, but they're actually all very vague. However, 'placement' is one of the few specifics that are mentioned, so YIPPEE!
Finally (sorry for waffling a rather long post) a few days after this conversation, I saw my best friend and it was one of the things we talked about. When I told her about the whole more prayerful thing, she left the room and came back with a rosary. Bit Catholic, I thought, I'm not saying any Hail Marys thank you! But she explained it was an Anglican rosary, shorter and with different prayers (see pic).
She's lent it to me, and it's a great addition to my choice of prayer each day. I suspect I might be getting one for Christmas...
So there we are. That's where I am now. I'm seeing the rector again in a few weeks, after I've finished the show I'm working on at the moment, going into my church-centred December. My homework was to think about how the Criteria for Selection make me feel, so I'm working on that. (edit: I spoke about it in these videos and wrote about it here.)
God bless.
Between the two meetings with my rector, what I did most was think. Getting the big kick in response to contemplating the Camino revved the engines, but talking to someone 'on the inside', someone I trusted knew what they were doing and would help me do something about it, put the process into gear. I spent the month or so between meetings getting used to the idea that my calling was going to be addressed starting now, age 23, rather than in the future like I had always thought. The initial excitement didn't die down but it became more contained and focused, and I didn't realise it at the time, but I sought out tools and strategies to get started, even though I didn't really know consciously 'how to get started'.
When I was deciding to be a stage manager, the one thing everyone said was a stage manager is a 'people person'. I was not a people person. I knew that but it didn't put me off. I was determined that I was suited to everything else about stage management, why give up without trying first? And you know what, in the 8 years since then, I have put a lot of energy into becoming better at gauging my relationships with people, things like cutting down on how much I explicitly complain, and putting others' needs first, and doing so without compromising on who I am. I'm still not a natural people person, but I have trained my thinking into better patterns to become more like a people person. Which I am really glad about.
I have owned a hard copy of 'Daily Prayer' the official C of E book for maybe a year, maybe two. I've off and on managed to do morning prayer here and there, maybe compline, but never with any consistency. So in the last month I have got three things.
One: the C of E Daily Prayer app. YES, the good ol' Church of England actually has apps, being all hip and 21st century. You can get morning, evening and night prayer, with all the right readings and collects there on the one screen rather than sitting with two or three books, flipping between bookmarks. My schedule keeps changing due to my job, but when I was getting up and going to work for 9.30am in rehearsals, I was able to read morning prayer everyday, silently on the train. And if I get to bed and realise I haven't done any structured prayer that day, I can reach for my phone and quickly whisper night prayer.
Two: another app! The C of E Reflections for Daily Prayer app. This one's great, because even if you don't do morning prayer, it'll give the reading and a few short paragraphs of reflection, from a variety of wise contributors. I read it every day, which also has the bonus of meaning that I get an extract of scripture every day.
 |
| So small! |
Three: an unofficial book of prayers, The Little Book of Prayers. I picked this up when browsing in Waterstones. It's a collection of a variety of prayers from all walks of life and religions and philosophies. I love it for two reasons; one, it's tiny, so it fits in my handbag easily, and two, it has an index for when you want to pray about or for something specific, like gratitude, strength, guidance, grief.
So this means that if I don't manage to do official prayer - like at the moment I work 5.30pm-10pm on performances, so the morning is pretty much gone when I get up, and evening prayer is focused on a quiet end to the day rather than what I'm doing which is starting work - I can pull this little dude out of my handbag and read a short prayer a few times.
I've also started reading around. Every resource for discernment and ministry mentions reading books, and to be honest, it has been daunting. I did a practical degree course without any assigned reading, or textbooks, or any need to reference literature in essays or whatever. And when I see the lists and lists of recommended reading, I am at a loss as to where to start.
 |
| I am an unashamed Disney fan... |
It was only in my second meeting with the rector when I said I had done all this that I realised I was actually doing something. I had been under the impression that I wasn't doing anything, that things had been on pause since my last meeting, and I was just waiting for the next to be told what to do. But my rector keeps talking about "keeping up the momentum" and that doesn't mean speed. It means things are progressing, slowly, so that I have time to really understand what's happening.
I've been worried that I haven't been doing enough, that my work and social lives aren't giving me enough time to dedicate to exploring my calling. But the momentum is there. This sense of moving towards a greater part of my life is with me all the time. And it doesn't come from me. All I can do is respond, and that's not always a proactive and obvious thing. Not at this stage. Not yet.
Anyway, so I'll mention three things from the second meeting with the rector.
Who am I? I mentioned
 |
| More Disney, yes! |
Another thing was an unexpected insight into myself. I have cried in that kind and patient woman's office the majority of times I have been there, and that day was no exception. In just the same way I was worried in the past when people said I wasn't a people person, I am terrified that someone is going to turn around and tell me "this is a bad idea. You're not suited to be a priest. You're wrong if you think you should be. You'd be terrible at it. I don't want people like you as priests." No one has come even close to saying anything like that. Everyone has been quite supportive. I suppose the fear hasn't gone away because no one has yet to hear me say "I feel a calling to ministry, possibly to be ordained" and shouted "oh yeah! I can see that. I think that's a great idea. You'd suit that."
I don't want my rector to do that. I'd be surprised and find it unhelpful if she was definitive and gave me black and white answers. It's like a therapist, their job is to help you understand what's going on in your head and in your life and then work out for yourself with coaxing and suggestions what to do about it. But if someone did, if someone genuinely said "Go for it", that would be... just awesome.
The third thing was very exciting, because it's the first time there's been talk of doing something official, and even though I am working to get over my impatience, it is gratifying to take a small step that is explicit. I took the decision back in September to take December off. All people in theatre do a Christmas show, but it takes up your life more than a usual show, and would mean I just wouldn't get to church, none of the Advent services, carol service, midnight mass, nothing. So I didn't want to do one, I chose church instead. I told my rector, and she brightened up as I asked if I could be useful to the church with all this free time, to help out, and in light of our conversations, get a bit more experience of church life beyond the Sunday services. She was all in favour, and said it could be a sort of 'mini-placement', and by gum, that made me want to fist pump.
A placement is a classic part of the discernment process. There is what appears to be a lot of resources out there for people in my position, but they're actually all very vague. However, 'placement' is one of the few specifics that are mentioned, so YIPPEE!
Finally (sorry for waffling a rather long post) a few days after this conversation, I saw my best friend and it was one of the things we talked about. When I told her about the whole more prayerful thing, she left the room and came back with a rosary. Bit Catholic, I thought, I'm not saying any Hail Marys thank you! But she explained it was an Anglican rosary, shorter and with different prayers (see pic).She's lent it to me, and it's a great addition to my choice of prayer each day. I suspect I might be getting one for Christmas...
So there we are. That's where I am now. I'm seeing the rector again in a few weeks, after I've finished the show I'm working on at the moment, going into my church-centred December. My homework was to think about how the Criteria for Selection make me feel, so I'm working on that. (edit: I spoke about it in these videos and wrote about it here.)
God bless.
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