Vocations Sunday

My vocation has been a varied and wonderful thing. It started as a vocation to stage management, which led to taking a vocational degree, but that vocation was part of a larger one, the sense of which I've had slowly but steadily growing since the first time I read the stories in my children's illustrated Bibles.

It led me to explore religion in my studies, it gave me the inspiration to start wearing a cross on a chain; my vocation pointed me in the direction of reading the Bible, it pushed me in the direction of Church, then plonked me without much subtlety in a particular church; my vocation pointed me at confirmation, it found voice in choral music; then my vocation kicked me back in the head and I thought "I should do this now."

As you know if you follow this blog, 'this' was start the process of discerning what my long-term vocation is. My stage management has provided opportunity and tools for personal growth, slowly forming the clay into a basic person shape, and now I am turning to the Church to refine and detail what that shape will look like, to be put into the world and formed into the person God is calling me to be.

I feel I am called to facilitate and inspire God's people to worship and to love. The path ahead of me is concealed, all I am doing is following the directions I am pointed in, but my understanding has been and continues to be that somewhere along the journey, I will be ordained. Why do I want to be a priest? It seems inescapable, inevitable, and wholly desirable.

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Video: Finally visiting the rector again!

First of all, I will apologise both for the sunglasses, and the wobbly camera action near the end.

Something I didn't talk about in this video is the continuing theme of my discernment which is going against expectations. My own expectations to be precise. Apparently my pre-existing ideas about myself need to be knocked out of me one by one, until I'm pretty sure anything that I think is going to happen in the future isn't likely to work out the way I currently think it will; and certainly the person that I currently imagine I am going to be will probably never actually exist. Instead, slowly but surely God's will is being done, and my end of the bargain is to the respond, accept, and put the leg work in.

This pastoral assistant job for example. As I said, a few months ago I decided it wasn't going to be for me. A few months ago, had I read a job description that involved a heck of a lot of youth and children's ministry, I would have laughed in the face of anyone idiotic enough to suggest I might do it. But now, it's the right time for this opportunity to come to me, so I didn't reject it out of hand, I didn't sneer and grimace at the thought of running the creche and confirmation classes. It clicked, right into place, for that is how I and the universe are built at this moment in time.

This is not to say that I actually have the job yet, nor that I think it's a certainty that I will. I still have to get to the know the community and enterprise by going to some services and 'pre-production research' as I would normally call it in theatre; and then the Big Interview, going up against two other candidates. This is so unlike my usual mode in job hunting, it scares the bejeesus out of me. So I'm not saying this is *dramatic voice* MY DESTINY or any tosh like that. But it's the direction I've been turned in, and in faith and trust (and imaginary pixie dust) I will step out and do my best.

Answering some questions

These questions came out of the vocations day I attended a few weeks ago, and I'm finally getting around to trying to answer them.

• Am I willing to submit to God's will if it's not ordination?

Ultimately yes, but emotionally it would be very challenging to process that I had misinterpreted what I feel as a calling to ordained ministry. Intellectually, I trust God and want to do God's will, so the path via which I'm meant to do that will be the right one. I know that, but it was take a long time to accept if the path is not the one I thought it was, a time of confusion, self-reflection, and a sort of grief I think. I'm looking forward to being ordained, so it was would be sad not to be; but I would hope that with the revelation that I am not called to ordination would come a joint revelation of what I am actually called to, as God has always worked in my life in the form of opportunities at the right moment.

• What is my leadership style?

Embryonic. I'm still very much working on my leadership skills. The confidence to lead I have naturally, but the finesse of a style eludes me. What I do in leadership roles is geared around enthusiasm, attention to clarity and detail, and thoroughness. I can be quite good at anticipating issues and planning accordingly. I'm better at planning and executing a plan than I am at thinking on my feet. I know from feedback that I need to work on my personnel interactions as I can lack subtlety and diplomacy sometimes - I find it hard to 'play the game'.

• What is my heart's desire?

Making the most of life

Expressing and facilitating love

To be good and right, to understand

To support passions, and facilitate understanding

To help inspire God's people to worship and to love

• What are my motivations?

Morality. Love. Thorough understanding.

• How has God used me already?

I suppose in the usual ways as an example for people to see a Christian try and live a good life and not use their religion as a weapon, or a defence, or blackmail, or an alibi; I provide conversation, companionship, advice, comfort etc in some people's lives; I am helping a church community that does great social justice, support, and a sensible evangelism.

• What is the way God calls me?

OPPORTUNITY. I am shown the right step at the right time, it all fits into place and only looking back do I see the pattern. Since I realised I believed in Christ and wanted to follow him, I'm always had a sense that it was important, and that included a vague instinct that I would go into the church some day. That instinct grew into a certainty, then a background niggle, and at the right time it sprang to the forefront of my mind as a necessity. Over the years, the priority of my faith has grown stronger but never too strong within the context of my life within each stage.

• What is the Gospel to me?

A story with a nuanced and deep message of love, forgiveness, a harmony of inner and outer truth, and a call to enter into relationship with God at the heart of the universe. It is the starting point from which we can branch out in all humanity's glorious diversity in understanding the world, and a form of truth (ie a story) which unites us in the core truths we all share.

• How do I know when it is God talking?

After the fact by seeing the consequences of following a course of action.

• What is the church here for?

To be a space for humanity to concentrate on the spiritual, but also the place where they experience God to centre the rest of their life around God. That includes discussion, debate, worship and ritual, song and dance, and creating a community that takes common goals and together go out in the world and achieve them. The church should be a reminder to return to the priorities of love, kindness, and interdependence. The church facilitates the development of relationships with God, with tools, encouragement, and wisdom.

Meeting the military chaplain

On March 11th 2016 I had my long awaited chat with a military chaplain. Early as it is in my process, I have a leaning towards chaplaincy; I have been looking at the various options, and out of the big ones (hospital, prison, university, military) for an unknown reason military has pinged on my radar.

I expressed this to my rector back in the mists of time (November) when we had a few meetings about my calling, and she happened to be working on a study guide to a memoir written by a priest who she had met at a conference, who was a military chaplain. So she e-introduced me to her, and I set up a meeting. This was back in January, and we met in March because she lives way out West and only comes to London occasionally.

It was a really nice conversation over a cup of tea. I told her my story of faith and calling (see the first handful of posts on this blog) and she told me about her calling, and then about chaplaincy. A lot of what she said sounded great and really like something I could do and enjoy, and she affirmed a lot of what I said in return.

She was encouraging and said I could email her any time, and she told me a lot about military chaplaincy that I didn't know. I'm trying to keep an open mind and really look at chaplaincy as a whole at this early stage, but nothing she said really put me off. Luckily I probably have at least nine years until I have to start contemplating chaplaincy and job prospects more seriously.

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As weird, embarrassing, and scary as telling people about my calling is (especially clergy) it is by far one of the most productive exercises that helps me understand myself better, gain new insights, and use their feedback and perspective in my own understanding of what God is asking me to do, and how to go about it. It also makes it a lot more personal, less abstract, and is very encouraging, I suppose because it becomes that little bit more tangible, more realistic. It is also always a great relief when no one laughs and tells me the thought of me as a priest is ridiculous.

It's most exciting (and least embarrassing) when the specific purpose of the discussion is specifically for me and my calling. It's hard not to feel egotistical when talking about it in more casual, social conversation. I've stopped talking about it with some people in my life, just because I feel bad for going on about it.

That's one of the many reasons I'm looking forward to being referred to a member of the diocese vocations team; their role is to help me, so I won't feel bad about focusing on my calling when talking to them. I also got another reminder today that I should really get a spiritual director - it's on my to do list, and if I remember, I plan to ask for recommendations from the ADO or whoever I talk to.

Oh, and happy Easter!