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| Won't be in my wardrobe |
The discernment process is not a series of tests and interviews for me to convince the church that I should be a priest, or at least it should not be seen as such. It is not just the hoops I have to go though to attain a dog collar as the end goal. No, the goal is the discernment what I am being called to. The doctrine is that everyone has a vocation, all Christians have a calling (see
1 Corinthians 12), so when someone like me gets the urge to consciously put the effort in the reorientate my life to follow God's will for me, it is key not to just assume that ordination and the priesthood is part of God's plan.
A question amongst the many in this process is "If not ordained ministry, then what?" and it's a question I am rather terrified at looking at. Obviously there's the angle that if I even dare contemplate living my discipleship in another way, it feels like I'm undermining my desire and pull towards the priesthood, like I have to be 100% otherwise I'm a fraud. This is nonsense, but it is my response, irrational as it is, nonetheless.
It's also scary because it throws the net so much wider, and I feel like I'm 15 again in
PSHE class, looking at career options. The vastness is daunting, in a murky way, for I know not where to begin and certainly have limited understanding of what my other options actually are.
But there is a clear option top of the list when given alternatives to being priest. Lay Reader, or just Reader I think is the official term. Writing this post was inspired by reading the excellent discernment process blog
The Pilgrim Explorer. I've been reading his story in order, and I've just reached 17th Feb 2014, weirdly exactly two years ago last week, when he met an Examining Chaplain who asked him "So why do you want to be an ordained priest and not a Lay Reader?"
Now defining a Lay Reader is tough. I just read through
this short but thorough piece, but it is still hard (as the pilgrim explorer himself discusses) to work out a concrete difference between them and
non-stipendiary priests. They have some training in theology, and preach/teach, and step in when a parish doesn't have an incumbent. There's a pastoral element to their ministry, and they are often the quiet face of the church, having authority but without the baggage that comes with a dog collar that can put some people off. They also have a job and a secular life. A good blog post by a Reader who contemplated ordained ministry can be found
here.
Basically, I get the impression that a priest lives the theology of Sunday, and a reader is involved with the theology of Monday. I think I am the former.
I definitely want to be sacramental, be a direct conduit and facilitator for people's relationship with God. My focus when I think about helping people like that is towards the spiritual within people's lives, not spiritual within the wider world, if that makes sense. I think about serving God, and there's less of the every day - I'm built for the crisis stuff, the stress and emotion including big transitions like marriage and death, and I am drawn to live in the the world of story where people understand their lives, not necessarily in the day to day living of their lives.
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| ASMing, not what I'm built for |
It's very similar to my feelings on being a deputy stage manager not an assistant stage manager. An ASM is on ground level within the cast, just like a Lay Reader operates within a congregation. In stage management, I prefer to work on the behalf of the cast with authority and distance, even though we do create a bond, and know and trust each other. I'm not the voice from on high, but I'm not one of them either.
That's linked to my aversion to the fact that they are most often based in a parish. Yes, there are Reader chaplains, and I'm interested in chaplaincy, but I relate to the clarity that a dog collar provides - being identified as a disciple of God as a defining part of who I am and my role resonates more than just doing the job as a lay person.
It's that focus, that full time lifestyle that suits me better than fitting my ministry around another job. And I also want to operate within the formal structure of the church.
I wonder if I'll remember all that if I get asked the same question in an interview...
